This week our gang of misfit toys journey to Thailand. If free vacations aren’t enough incentive to sign up for this show I don’t know what is. This week’s theme seemed to be “Starting Over” …although girlfriend had a rough time forgetting about Bentley’s charade last week. Every time the camera was on Ash (in the fake confessional footage) she was stressing about how she doesn’t want to put her all into it again if someone is just going to pull a Bentley, she then goes on to mention his name about 100 more times during the next two hours.  It’s a little sad to watch my favorite little dentist struggle again, at least she isn’t whining to the guys asking if they like her…oh wait.

So Ash wasn’t the only one starting over this week, Thailand proved to be a fresh start for all:

1. During Constantine’s one on one he explains to Ashley that this is the new him. Basically he’s had commitment issues in the past so clearly  being on a reality t.v. show is the fresh start that anyone with commitment issues hopes for. Regardless, their date was cute and showed they could both have fun just going with the flow.

2. Ames apparently was going to go home on his one on one date with Ash, until she realized he was more than a reheated ball of wax and actually (surprise) has a lot in common with her. And I hate to say it, but after seeing him in action he’s kind of moving up in the ranks. So technically his one on one day was a total fresh start with Ashley.

3. The orphans in Baan San Fan orphanage, which houses some of the children who lost their parents in the 2004 tsunami, got a fresh start this week thanks to Ash’s group date guys. On their group date this week, they redid the orphanage supplying new mattresses, toys, bikes and provided a fresh start for some amazing kids. Not going to lie it pulled at my icy heart-strings a bit.

4. Since our favorite Masked Man was forced out last week the gang had to start over and find someone new to pick on. And that someone is Ryan P. For good reason too, with ABC’s selective editing we see just how annoying one person can be on t.v. PLUS wanna be Schuester stole Ashley just as she was about to give out the rose on the group date, you would think he would have something important to say right? Nope, just that he enjoys talking with her, joke was on him though because our lady gave the rose to Ben F.

5. West went home, so it truly was a fresh start/new beginning. After being with those fellas for a month boyfriend gets to go back to his empty house having some new reality t.v. dating experience under his belt.

And just a little movie magic:

During the group date JP and Ash snuck away giving him the perfect chance for a romantic kiss on the beach in the rain…you can’t write this stuff! He also, passively, expressed to the little lady that he was a little concerned about his standing. But Ash reassured him that their magical kisses weren’t going anywhere. On a side note, it seems like JP is the new Ashley…aka Whiny and always needing reassurance.

Even though the last Bachelor couple has already split (and dragged each other through the tabloid dirt – you know, just another day at ABC!), I can’t deny that I have been counting down the days to the season premiere of The Bachelorette. Finally, my Mondays are good again.

For those of you who were not glued to your TV sets last season, listening to Brad talk all about his therapy (which totally paid off since rumors are flying that he and Emily broke it off..just sayin’), Ash was third runner-up. After a tearful goodbye in Africa, girlfriend headed back to the states to pick up her life..and dye her hair.

And now Ashley H (or Cupcake ) has returned to our television sets. Although, hopefully this time around we won’t have to deal with a constant barrage of  ”Do you really love me?” “I don’t know if you love me,” and “tell me you love me.” Or impromptu dental exams. Or her overly enthusiastic family (that totally uses emoticons and !!!!!!! in text messages) that makes me need a Xanex.

According to Ms. Ash, she’s “in the ring” and ready to find love..again. She lost the last match but not the entire battle. Blah blah blah cliche blah blah.

Let’s talk about the boys. Read More »

….And in the end, Dave and Natalie won the $250,000.

The finale of The Bachelor Pad was surprisingly low-key compared to the rest of the season.  Minimal tears, not one drunk person…even the “tell-all” question sesh was less than juicy.  So we found out Dave used to smack talk about the older contestants on the show. Seriously, who cares?

The big excitement came for me not while the couples were dancing (or in Kovacs and Elizabeth’s case, awkwardly looking at each other), when Tenley was baby talking (which was the whole show) or when Kovacs announced he was single (um, call me!), but rather when we got to see Gia and Wes reunited.  Any leftover hatred I had harbored for Wes from Jillian’s Bachelorette season had evaporated early on in the Bachelor Pad.  But, let it be known, tonight I transitioned to full on loving him.  Come on, was the man not totally precious!?

I may be paraphrasing, but do you remember when he said, “What’s $250,000 when I’ve got a million bucks sitting right next to me?” and then looked over at Gia.  Okay- one, two, three…awwwwwwwww!  Please know that right after I write this I’m going to put in The Notebook and cry into big bottle of seltzer (perhaps with a little vodka, just for fun). Read More »

"This is not going to be the most dramatic rose ceremony yet. In fact, it might be the most predeictable."

Monday’s Bachelor Pad finally proved that the popular girls will always win. And homely (relatively speaking, of course), single girls will always go home alone…in stretch limos….to their cats.

After 25 minutes of pacing and pretending that they weren’t going to choose the girls they’ve boned, the guys booted out the extra female stragglers and were forced to commit to one lady for the rest of the season.  There were no surprises.  The juiceheads and Kipytn guys held all the cards.  Gwen finally left.  Elizabeth called her out for being in her 40s (like we couldn’t guess).  I shed a tear because I think poor Gwen was the only normal person there.  You know, minus the copious amounts of plastic surgery and her bejeweled rose tee shirt and whatnot.

While I readily embrace the new dynamic of the game (what? I like watching 120 minutes of sloppy makeout sessions every Monday – it takes me back to my freshman frat party days), I do so with a skeptical eye.  Initially, I had Kiptyn pegged to win this whole thing, as did most people.  But now I’m not so sure.  With next week’s episode being the finale, I figured we should take a look at the odds each duo has for winning the $250k.

Kiptyn & Tenley
Pros: No one would ever have them pegged as the vicious, backstabbing kind.  In a future vote, should one occur, their word would be golden among the other competitors.  Should they decide to switch their votes at the last minute, no one would see it coming and it could seriously work to their advantage.

Additionally, if I recall correctly, Tenley used to be a Disney Princess (no joke) and danced in shows for little kids.  This could give her an edge with next week’s ballroom dancing challenge. Read More »

Monday’s Bachelor Pad was a lot like prom.  There were tears, there was less sex than was anticipated, and the unpopular kids went home early.

In a low move, even for Chris Harrison, the contestants were asked to select members of the house that best fit various nasty descriptions: Worst Boob Job, Most Shallow, Always a Bridesmaid Never a Bride (ouch!), etc.  Some titles were deserved, others not so much.

In the spirit of the most shameless BP challenge yet, I thought I’d go ahead and revamp the challenge a little.  Here I share with you my votes for…

Biggest Tool
Dave.  The guy really loves himself, right?  Like, excessively.  At first I found his cockiness kinda charming.  You know, in the way that binge eating candy corn seems like a “good idea at the time.”  But much my trials with a certain Halloween treat, David became too much of a good thing and now pretty much just makes me want to barf.

Most Undeserving of a Bad Reputation
Krisily.  She’s outspoken.  That’s about it, but for some reason it’s left the guys terrified and the girls completely in attack mode.  Personally, I think there are bigger bitches who should have left instead. Also, her boobs are fake, right? And if I can’t tell, there’s no way that’s a bad boob job. Read More »

"Everything I tell you is a big, fat lie."

I’m going to resist titling this week’s Bachelorette report “Why I Should Be Selected as the Next Bachelorette” and not proceed into all the reasons why this season is kind of lackluster and how I would really do a better job.  Trust me, it would be a riveting read (much like the season I have planned for myself), but I’ll spare you just this once.

This week’s episode found Justin aka “Rated R” trampling through the hotel bushes with his gimpy leg as he ran away from cameras and Ali’s hysterics.  He hobbled to his ultimate exit from the show (can I get an “amen”?) after she called him out on having not one, but two girlfriends back home. (Thank God a former Bachelor contestant who no one remembers happens to live there, or Ali may never have found out!) As if that wasn’t embarrassing enough, ABC aired Justin’s voicemails to home and even included subtitles so everyone could understand his garbled pleas for affection from Jessica, the other woman.  Hadn’t Rated R learned anything from Tiger Woods?  Cell phones are a player’s worst enemy, bro.  If I were Ali, I would have removed that boot and used it to break his other leg. And then swing it at his perfectly manicured face just for good measure.

But that’s nothing compared to what Kasey’s going to do to him when he gets off that last minute flight he booked to Toronto after last night’s episode aired. Watch your back, Rated D(ouche bag). Read More »

After three glorious days of hopping from the beach to happy hour to the strobe of light of the dance floor, I finally returned last night to reality and reality TV.  What better way to cap off Memorial Day 2010 than with two hours of The Bachelorette?  I was scared I might not make it through the gridlock Jersey shore traffic in time for the show, but stopped to ask myself, “What would Chris Harrison do?”  In a sudden moment of clarity, I added a little height to my poof, hit the gas, and zoomed up the shoulder of the highway making it to my nearest relative’s home in record time.  (Please don’t think I’m joking when I say that because I didn’t have time to make it home to my own TV, I borrowed someone else’s.)

Now that we’re all through with episode two, let’s get down to business and rip this tragedy apart.  Ali wined and dined and made out with her remaining fellas on dates that would never occur in real life.  I believe it was Frank who confessed, somewhat surprised, that his trip to the Hollywood sign was the best date of his life.   Screaming at the TV, I wondered who asked this genius to be on the show in the first place.  Come on buddy, ABC isn’t going to send you to a bad Chinese restaurant and a sappy romantic comedy.  They go big and you go along for the ride, duh! Read More »

Well, The Bachelorette happened. A whole two hours of it. There was a lot to digest in 120 minutes (and I’m not talking about the entire box of crackers I consumed while watching), so I’m just going to break it down by the numbers. I can’t really remember all those dudes’ names anyway.

So here is how it all went down:

6 shots of guys without shirts
3 shots of guys playing with dogs (awwww)
4 Vicky Gundelson-style “Woohoo!”s coming from inside the limos as they pulled up and spotted Ali.
1 very nice set of extensions for dear Ali
2 billion candles burning throughout the house
2 guys trying to get creative and giving Ali a rose (get it? Because she won’t be getting any this season!)
3 Chris’s
3 Canadians
3 John’s Read More »

I’ve been seeing this guy on and off for the past eight years.  He’s completely perfect- sure, he might be a little short and has been known to show his sassy side on occasion, but he’s really great when it comes to the life chats.  He’s got 1-800-Flowers on speed dial, keeps the champagne flowing, and always sets the mood with a million little candles all over his huge mansion.  We go on overnight dates to exotic locations, spend the day picnicking on the beach…and on top of all this, he’s totally not afraid to meet the parents.

What’s the problem, you ask?  Guys, I think Chris Harrison’s married!

Tonight rings in another season of The Bachelorette and, in a completely new move, it promises to be the Most Dramatic Season Ever.  Ali Fedotowsky, 25, is returning after she ditched (and then got ditched by) country boy and future wife beater, Jake Pavelka, last season.  Wait, am I the only one who sensed a whole bunch of repressed anger under that all-American veneer?  Don’t say I didn’t warn you, Vienna.

Anyway, fan favorite Ali will be selecting from 25 wish-they-were-hotter men.  A quick peek over at ABC.com revels that the casting directors had an interesting sense of humor this time around.  In seasons past, I found myself looking at the contestants asking, “How the hell is he single?”  Let me tell you, I know exactly why this season’s boys are still on the market.  From knobby necks to Adam Lambert look-alikes, the pickings are indeed slim.

Thankfully for you, I have gone over Ali’s pool of contestants with a skilled veteran’s eye and a healthy dose of cutthroat judgment.  I present to you the three best candidates for a shot at love and the three horrors that need to go back to the rocks from under which they came: Read More »

Last night’s finale of The Bachelor promised to have “the most shocking twist in Bachelor history,” according to host Chris Harrison. And boy oh boy, he wasn’t kidding.

For those of you who missed last night’s episode, here’s a quick recap: Bachelor Jason took each of the final two ladies competing for his love, Melissa and Molly, on separate day-long dates where they each met (and were grilled by!) his son and his family. Although he said in confessionals that he was torn between both women, the next day in the “final rose ceremony,” Jason tearfully dumped Molly before finally choosing Melissa. He proposed to her, and it seemed like it actually might work out for Melissa and Jason, who’s been saying for months that he’s engaged and how happy he is. Would this season of The Bachelor finally have a successful ending? Read More »