This week our gang of misfit toys journey to Thailand. If free vacations aren’t enough incentive to sign up for this show I don’t know what is. This week’s theme seemed to be “Starting Over” …although girlfriend had a rough time forgetting about Bentley’s charade last week. Every time the camera was on Ash (in the fake confessional footage) she was stressing about how she doesn’t want to put her all into it again if someone is just going to pull a Bentley, she then goes on to mention his name about 100 more times during the next two hours.  It’s a little sad to watch my favorite little dentist struggle again, at least she isn’t whining to the guys asking if they like her…oh wait.

So Ash wasn’t the only one starting over this week, Thailand proved to be a fresh start for all:

1. During Constantine’s one on one he explains to Ashley that this is the new him. Basically he’s had commitment issues in the past so clearly  being on a reality t.v. show is the fresh start that anyone with commitment issues hopes for. Regardless, their date was cute and showed they could both have fun just going with the flow.

2. Ames apparently was going to go home on his one on one date with Ash, until she realized he was more than a reheated ball of wax and actually (surprise) has a lot in common with her. And I hate to say it, but after seeing him in action he’s kind of moving up in the ranks. So technically his one on one day was a total fresh start with Ashley.

3. The orphans in Baan San Fan orphanage, which houses some of the children who lost their parents in the 2004 tsunami, got a fresh start this week thanks to Ash’s group date guys. On their group date this week, they redid the orphanage supplying new mattresses, toys, bikes and provided a fresh start for some amazing kids. Not going to lie it pulled at my icy heart-strings a bit.

4. Since our favorite Masked Man was forced out last week the gang had to start over and find someone new to pick on. And that someone is Ryan P. For good reason too, with ABC’s selective editing we see just how annoying one person can be on t.v. PLUS wanna be Schuester stole Ashley just as she was about to give out the rose on the group date, you would think he would have something important to say right? Nope, just that he enjoys talking with her, joke was on him though because our lady gave the rose to Ben F.

5. West went home, so it truly was a fresh start/new beginning. After being with those fellas for a month boyfriend gets to go back to his empty house having some new reality t.v. dating experience under his belt.

And just a little movie magic:

During the group date JP and Ash snuck away giving him the perfect chance for a romantic kiss on the beach in the rain…you can’t write this stuff! He also, passively, expressed to the little lady that he was a little concerned about his standing. But Ash reassured him that their magical kisses weren’t going anywhere. On a side note, it seems like JP is the new Ashley…aka Whiny and always needing reassurance.

Even though the last Bachelor couple has already split (and dragged each other through the tabloid dirt – you know, just another day at ABC!), I can’t deny that I have been counting down the days to the season premiere of The Bachelorette. Finally, my Mondays are good again.

For those of you who were not glued to your TV sets last season, listening to Brad talk all about his therapy (which totally paid off since rumors are flying that he and Emily broke it off..just sayin’), Ash was third runner-up. After a tearful goodbye in Africa, girlfriend headed back to the states to pick up her life..and dye her hair.

And now Ashley H (or Cupcake ) has returned to our television sets. Although, hopefully this time around we won’t have to deal with a constant barrage of  ”Do you really love me?” “I don’t know if you love me,” and “tell me you love me.” Or impromptu dental exams. Or her overly enthusiastic family (that totally uses emoticons and !!!!!!! in text messages) that makes me need a Xanex.

According to Ms. Ash, she’s “in the ring” and ready to find love..again. She lost the last match but not the entire battle. Blah blah blah cliche blah blah.

Let’s talk about the boys.

I’d just like to start by saying that this selection of men was not all that impressive. Ali had way hotter dudes to choose from. I mean, one guy was named Ames who has run 1,847 marathons and whose face looks like it was sculpted with wax, then melted and redone….by a blind person with a sense of humor. I’m sure he has a really nice personality though… I mean, the guy did get a rose.

But I digress. Despite the general lack of quality men stepping out of those limos, there are a few I fell for….

My Favorites (for a variety of reasons):

West: After a heartwarming video detailing how he lost his wife but now is finally ready to love again, this guy is the new Emily. You know, in that “makes me cry every time he’s on the screen and he’s so nice you can’t help but love him” sorta way. He also gave Ashley a broken compass that was stuck on “West” so she could always find her way back to him. Cue Awwwwwws now.

JP (aka Cupcake): Who wouldn’t love a man who 1. resembles Joseph Gordon Levitt and 2. is nicknamed Cupcake? He also just seems so sweet and down to earth. I’d like to top him off with some cream cheese frosting…

Ben C: Boyfriend asked Ash to talk in private by using poster boards, Love Actually style. Not to mention he also speaks french AND plays the piano. Um…can sign I up? Please? What if I promise to bleach my teeth and dye my hair and skin the same color?

Tim: The guy is a liquor distributor who gets completely smashed. You can’t make this stuff up! I have never laughed so hard during an episode of the Bachelor/Bachelorette. That. was. awesome. And Ashley handled it like a true lady! She was so nice and understanding, even feeling sorry for the guy because she didn’t want him to have any “wasted opportunities.” Unfortunately, this guy was literally a wasted opportunity. I was still sad when he was escorted off the property. Mostly because we didn’t get an interview with him in the van.

Matt: I’m not usually one for mama’s boys who call their mother while on a mini-date with a lady, but Matt’s mom rocks. In fact, after she told Ashley to “use protection” in the fantasy sweet, I can only hope her son is as awesome as she is. And if not, maybe she can at least come along on some group dates?

My Not-So-Favorites:

Bentley: Way to throw in the ringer, ABC! After getting a rose, of course, we see in the preview two things that make me worry a bit:

1. “I Couldn’t give a F*** about her.”
2. “I think I would feel differently if the bachelorette was Emily.”

Since he is in the preview we can assume he gets at least a few episodes (probably more) in. Which is awesome since Ashley was warned about this dude before he even got there. Girlfriend, TAKE A HINT. Like I always say, “never trust a guy who’s hair looks sorta gray sometimes with a daughter named Cozy.” They’ll always hurt you!

Chris M: Sorry, I just can’t handle frosted tips. Unless they are on Justin Timberlake. In 1999.

Jeff (aka “Batman”): So a little better than fangs but not quite, this season’s Madison is Jeff…who wears a mask (and we think this picture shows why..um, murder eyes anyone?) for the entire night, and in all of the previews. Most of the guys aren’t too fond of him. I can’t imagine why. He’s got such a glowing personality behind that quilted, over the top, Mardi Gras mask!

Best Quote of the night:

“If you can’t handle the heat, get out of the oven” – If that doesn’t show the general intelligence of this little crew….

With the promise of concussions, Thailand, Ashley talking to herself in her bed and loads of shirtless men, this seems like it is shaping up to become an overall amazing season. Perhaps the best yet?

What do you think? Who is your fav? And how much do you HATE Bentley?

….And in the end, Dave and Natalie won the $250,000.

The finale of The Bachelor Pad was surprisingly low-key compared to the rest of the season.  Minimal tears, not one drunk person…even the “tell-all” question sesh was less than juicy.  So we found out Dave used to smack talk about the older contestants on the show. Seriously, who cares?

The big excitement came for me not while the couples were dancing (or in Kovacs and Elizabeth’s case, awkwardly looking at each other), when Tenley was baby talking (which was the whole show) or when Kovacs announced he was single (um, call me!), but rather when we got to see Gia and Wes reunited.  Any leftover hatred I had harbored for Wes from Jillian’s Bachelorette season had evaporated early on in the Bachelor Pad.  But, let it be known, tonight I transitioned to full on loving him.  Come on, was the man not totally precious!?

I may be paraphrasing, but do you remember when he said, “What’s $250,000 when I’ve got a million bucks sitting right next to me?” and then looked over at Gia.  Okay- one, two, three…awwwwwwwww!  Please know that right after I write this I’m going to put in The Notebook and cry into big bottle of seltzer (perhaps with a little vodka, just for fun).

All this got me thinking, though.  If you were on the show and had to date these men, who do you think would be the most capable of holding a successful relationship?  The least?  At the beginning of the season, I would have told you there was no way Dave could ever be loyal to one girl, even in a competitive arena.  I also would have told you I’d date Jesse B. in a hot second.  And then we learned Jesse likes to pick other people’s noses and I quickly changed my mind.

Having watched what feels like a hundred hours of these people’s trials and tribulations, I think I know everyone well enough now to formulate a more solid opinion.  We all know Kiptyn is BF material, but frankly he bores me so I’m really not interested.  And putting Wes aside, because that would be too obvious, I think Kovacs and Dave are genuinely decent guys.  Throw them a couple of sane, attractive girls and I have full confidence they’d make it work.  We already saw that Dave has the ability to be quasi-monogamous.  His partner in bromance, Jesse Kovacs, wouldn’t be far behind in the dating arena if he wasn’t hanging around with idiots.

On the other hand, Weatherman and Craig still totally gross me out and I wouldn’t touch them with a ten-foot poll.  Not even if they were holding out Louis Vuitton bags filled with cash, just for me.

What are your thoughts, intelligent CollegeCandy readers?  Which guys were shoveling out the BS and which were down-to-earth this season on The Bachelor Pad?

My fingers are crossed that this show was a wild success and will be coming back for a second season. (Editor’s Note: it should – somehow it has a higher rate of creating successful relationships than the Bachelor and Bachelorette combined….) Until then, I hope I won’t be alone in missing Chris Harrison and lusting for Melissa’s sparkly dresses!

"This is not going to be the most dramatic rose ceremony yet. In fact, it might be the most predeictable."

Monday’s Bachelor Pad finally proved that the popular girls will always win. And homely (relatively speaking, of course), single girls will always go home alone…in stretch limos….to their cats.

After 25 minutes of pacing and pretending that they weren’t going to choose the girls they’ve boned, the guys booted out the extra female stragglers and were forced to commit to one lady for the rest of the season.  There were no surprises.  The juiceheads and Kipytn guys held all the cards.  Gwen finally left.  Elizabeth called her out for being in her 40s (like we couldn’t guess).  I shed a tear because I think poor Gwen was the only normal person there.  You know, minus the copious amounts of plastic surgery and her bejeweled rose tee shirt and whatnot.

While I readily embrace the new dynamic of the game (what? I like watching 120 minutes of sloppy makeout sessions every Monday – it takes me back to my freshman frat party days), I do so with a skeptical eye.  Initially, I had Kiptyn pegged to win this whole thing, as did most people.  But now I’m not so sure.  With next week’s episode being the finale, I figured we should take a look at the odds each duo has for winning the $250k.

Kiptyn & Tenley
Pros: No one would ever have them pegged as the vicious, backstabbing kind.  In a future vote, should one occur, their word would be golden among the other competitors.  Should they decide to switch their votes at the last minute, no one would see it coming and it could seriously work to their advantage.

Additionally, if I recall correctly, Tenley used to be a Disney Princess (no joke) and danced in shows for little kids.  This could give her an edge with next week’s ballroom dancing challenge.

Cons: Tenley referring to them as “Kip-Ten” is the ultimate male ego deflator.  Also, Tenley thinking Dave and Natalie’s date was going to be on a spaceship doesn’t bode well for her IQ, should it be called upon.

Kovacs & Elizabeth
Before I discuss these two, can I just say that their exchanges in this episode were classic.  Let it be noted everywhere, Elizabeth does not want to simply get railed.  The woman would like a little romance, please.  It was called the Fantasy Suite, after all.  Okay, had to get that out.  Moving along.

Pros: They’re the most entertaining people left in the house.  You know watching them learn to dance is going to be Emmy-worthy.  Will they win?  Probably not.  Do I care?  Not really.

Cons: As Kovacs pointed out, dear Liz has a screw loose. She’s one fry short of a Happy Meal. She puts the “crazy” in “crazy girl with bad implants.” See where I’m going with this?

Dave & Natalie
Pros: They’re both kinda whorey.  If this were a blow job contest, Natalie would totally win.  But alas, it’s not, so…

Cons: Dave’s massive temper might trip him up when it comes time for the fancy footwork; Natalie is clearly more emotionally invested in this pairing than Dave….and has said so at least 97 times; She has horrible hair…can that be a con?  I think so.  And lastly, Dave’s bromance with Kovacs is going to end in disaster, you mark my words.

So this is it, you guys!  We’re down to the final sets of idiots who have kissed, puked, and cried their way to the top.  Next week Chris Harrison will be handing over a mighty hefty check to one of these (deserving?) couples.  Who do you think it’s going to be?

Monday’s Bachelor Pad was a lot like prom.  There were tears, there was less sex than was anticipated, and the unpopular kids went home early.

In a low move, even for Chris Harrison, the contestants were asked to select members of the house that best fit various nasty descriptions: Worst Boob Job, Most Shallow, Always a Bridesmaid Never a Bride (ouch!), etc.  Some titles were deserved, others not so much.

In the spirit of the most shameless BP challenge yet, I thought I’d go ahead and revamp the challenge a little.  Here I share with you my votes for…

Biggest Tool
Dave.  The guy really loves himself, right?  Like, excessively.  At first I found his cockiness kinda charming.  You know, in the way that binge eating candy corn seems like a “good idea at the time.”  But much my trials with a certain Halloween treat, David became too much of a good thing and now pretty much just makes me want to barf.

Most Undeserving of a Bad Reputation
Krisily.  She’s outspoken.  That’s about it, but for some reason it’s left the guys terrified and the girls completely in attack mode.  Personally, I think there are bigger bitches who should have left instead. Also, her boobs are fake, right? And if I can’t tell, there’s no way that’s a bad boob job.

Most Disappointing
Jesse B.  Come on, kiddo, what were you thinking?  The burp was one thing; the burp I might have been able to let slide.  But trying to pick Peyton’s nose…that was a bad move.  Then you had to go and mix vodka in with your champagne.  Was it nerves?  Was it disinterest?  Was it a mix of straight-up disrespect and stupidity?  Peyton and I both thought we found a catch with you.  But after seeing your bag of tricks, I’d rather have dinner with Dog the Bounty Hunter.

Class Cry Baby
Tenley.  I don’t care if she sh*ts rainbows and is an ex-Disney Princess, am I the only one who thinks she’s a big faker?  She’s in it to win the money and Kiptyn, no matter what.

The Shocker
KOVACS.  So now he’s in love with Elizabeth.  The girl with the botched boob job.  The girl who was more horrifyingly territorial than a dog pissing on trees.  The girl who has manipulated him like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction.  Okay, so this episode taught me that if you stalk a dude long enough and keep telling him you love him, then eventually it’ll pay off and you’ll ride into the sunset be laughing your way to the bank.

Most Changed
Wes.  If you saw him on Jillian’s season, you didn’t like the guy.  He had a girlfriend, was in it for self-promotion, just wanted to get laid.  Whatever.  But look at him now!  Easily one of the most decent guys on the show, I was totally sad to see him leave.  (And Kiptyn, don’t think I’m buying your Mr. Nice Guy shtick for a minute.)

While I know Chris told us not to cheat and share answers, I’m dying to know on which side of the fence you ladies fall.  Share your thoughts in the comments!

"Everything I tell you is a big, fat lie."

I’m going to resist titling this week’s Bachelorette report “Why I Should Be Selected as the Next Bachelorette” and not proceed into all the reasons why this season is kind of lackluster and how I would really do a better job.  Trust me, it would be a riveting read (much like the season I have planned for myself), but I’ll spare you just this once.

This week’s episode found Justin aka “Rated R” trampling through the hotel bushes with his gimpy leg as he ran away from cameras and Ali’s hysterics.  He hobbled to his ultimate exit from the show (can I get an “amen”?) after she called him out on having not one, but two girlfriends back home. (Thank God a former Bachelor contestant who no one remembers happens to live there, or Ali may never have found out!) As if that wasn’t embarrassing enough, ABC aired Justin’s voicemails to home and even included subtitles so everyone could understand his garbled pleas for affection from Jessica, the other woman.  Hadn’t Rated R learned anything from Tiger Woods?  Cell phones are a player’s worst enemy, bro.  If I were Ali, I would have removed that boot and used it to break his other leg. And then swing it at his perfectly manicured face just for good measure.

But that’s nothing compared to what Kasey’s going to do to him when he gets off that last minute flight he booked to Toronto after last night’s episode aired. Watch your back, Rated D(ouche bag).

Meanwhile, the remaining dudes packed their bags and headed to Istanbul, Turkey.  On a side note, I don’t know why Ali is selecting such random places to visit…was the classic Paris, London, Rome trifecta not good enough?  Maybe the City of Lights would have helped to light a fire under these people’s butts…or in their loins.  Regardless, Istanbul held sexy (not really) bathhouse massages, olive oil wrestling, and shiesty carpet salesmen.  How…romantic?

Let me say, officially, right now that if Ali does not wind up with any of these guys, I won’t be even slightly surprised.  So frequently they all talk about feeling this elusive connection and experiencing so-called sparks.  I don’t buy it.  As a viewer, pretty much every date has looked forced and uncomfortable.  Especially those group dates. Reall, what kind of date involves wrestling? None of them even spoke to Ali; how did that further her relationship with anyone but big ol’ Craig R. (who usually only uses his words to fight…get it?!!?!).

And Ali, girl, you’ve got to stop it with that dead girl stare you put on when someone’s talking to you.  It’s creepy and everyone knows you’re zoning out, formulating a plan to get rid of Vienna and win Jake back.

But back to the show:

The episode came to an abrupt halt when Ali forwent the cocktail party that typically precedes a rose ceremony. (SCANDALOUS!) She claimed she had already made up her mind, and in a huge duh! moment, sent Craig R. packing. I don’t know if it was a lack of a “romantic connection,” the way he looked in those wrestling pants, or the fact that he got really, overly excited by fireworks (what, they don’t have those in Philly?) but Ali just didn’t want him coming to Lisbon.

The award for best quote of the night goes to Kirk, who so eloquently questioned his group date in saying, “they want me to wrestle four guys oiled up in black leather pants with their game faces on?”  It was a bonus that his pronunciation of “game” sounded more like “gay” and that just made the sentiment so much more colorful.  Honorable mention goes to Frank, who lied through his teeth stating, “It’s fun to watch Ali shop…I could do that all day long.”  Nice try, buddy.  Only Chris Harrison is smooth enough to pass off that big of a fib as fact.

Next week the show takes a hiatus for the holiday weekend and is replaced by an interview with Jake and Vienna.  They’ll address the split, which we all saw coming, and separate fact from tabloid fiction.  Will you be tuning in while you nurse a hangover from the 4th of July? You know I will. Nothing says “America” quite like a reality TV show couple discussing their pre-marital divorce.

Share your comments on everything Ali, Jake, and Vienna below.  It’s all a hot mess, but someone’s got to talk about it.

After three glorious days of hopping from the beach to happy hour to the strobe of light of the dance floor, I finally returned last night to reality and reality TV.  What better way to cap off Memorial Day 2010 than with two hours of The Bachelorette?  I was scared I might not make it through the gridlock Jersey shore traffic in time for the show, but stopped to ask myself, “What would Chris Harrison do?”  In a sudden moment of clarity, I added a little height to my poof, hit the gas, and zoomed up the shoulder of the highway making it to my nearest relative’s home in record time.  (Please don’t think I’m joking when I say that because I didn’t have time to make it home to my own TV, I borrowed someone else’s.)

Now that we’re all through with episode two, let’s get down to business and rip this tragedy apart.  Ali wined and dined and made out with her remaining fellas on dates that would never occur in real life.  I believe it was Frank who confessed, somewhat surprised, that his trip to the Hollywood sign was the best date of his life.   Screaming at the TV, I wondered who asked this genius to be on the show in the first place.  Come on buddy, ABC isn’t going to send you to a bad Chinese restaurant and a sappy romantic comedy.  They go big and you go along for the ride, duh!

This week’s group date was a “Sexy Guy Calendar” photo shoot that left me cringing instead of swooning.  I would like to shake my finger in the face of whoever selected the participants for these dates.  They left all the sexiest guys on the sidelines for a photo shoot that was practically named in their honor.  While no one exactly rocked the beach bum look, Jonathan/Weatherman freaked out over wearing a Speedo, almost refusing to put it on at all.  (Perhaps, I wonder, because he has a…little…problem?)

We also saw that that’s not all Weatherman found fault with as he feuded with Craig M./the guy who kinda looks like McDreamy if you squint.  Can I get a weigh in on this?  Who’s the bigger jerk in the situation?  And more importantly, did everyone catch the part when Weatherman let slip that he has a brown belt in karate?  That must be why Ali gave him a rose in the end, because I swear to God I have no idea what else she could have found appealing about him.

One of my pre-season favorites, Jesse, went on the one-on-one Vegas date and – damn – does that man clean up.  The sexy black tie, monogrammed cufflinks, and cherry red Ferrari encouraged me to overlook his frat-tastic tribal tattoo.  I was jumping for joy when he was offered a rose because now we know Ali has at least one solid guy going into round three next week.

Can anyone guess who I missed seeing the most in tonight’s episode?  If you guessed the Snuggle Bear aka Hunter, you’d be correct.  He must have been doing everyone’s laundry in the background because he was nowhere to be seen.  In a miraculous Bachelorette moment, however, Ali called his name during the rose ceremony and invited him to stay on for another week.  I can only assume it’s because she wants to get to know him more intimately before asking if he gets free fabric softener.

My opinion for this season’s front-runners: Jesse, Chris L., Ty, and Roberto (I can’t really read his personality, but Ali literally melts around this guy).

Why the hell didn’t he get a rose? Precious Chris H.!  Come on!  He was really, really, ridiculously good looking!

What were your thoughts for this week’s keepers?  Who would you have liked to see kicked off?  Is there any hope for Ali picking a decent guy?  Why did the Weatherman get a rose?  Sound off in the comments below.

Well, The Bachelorette happened. A whole two hours of it. There was a lot to digest in 120 minutes (and I’m not talking about the entire box of crackers I consumed while watching), so I’m just going to break it down by the numbers. I can’t really remember all those dudes’ names anyway.

So here is how it all went down:

6 shots of guys without shirts
3 shots of guys playing with dogs (awwww)
4 Vicky Gundelson-style “Woohoo!”s coming from inside the limos as they pulled up and spotted Ali.
1 very nice set of extensions for dear Ali
2 billion candles burning throughout the house
2 guys trying to get creative and giving Ali a rose (get it? Because she won’t be getting any this season!)
3 Chris’s
3 Canadians
3 John’s
1 gay guy
1 potential murderer who somehow made it through the screening process even though he is creepy and talks really funny to the point that I thought maybe he was going to tell Ali he was 95% deaf in one ear.
1 terrible first impression: Gay Tyler and that whole “I remember you wearing cowboy boots!” Insert dirty cowboy boot in mouth, son.
1 premature ejaculator (really, Shooter? That’s the story you lead with? That guy from Cape Cod didn’t even want to share that his mother died and you’re gonna tell a girl you just met that you are a one-minute man??)
1 guy using the ol’ “fishing pole” dance move.
2 guys climbing on top of limos.
1 guy who looks sorta like a Gremlin in glasses climbing on top of a limo.
1 scrapbook (OK, so maybe there are two gay guys….)

12 “I can’t believe how well they know The Bacheler/Bachelorette” references.
2 “they totally DVR’d last season and that’s why they’re still single” Jake/Vienna references. One of which was on a ukulele.
3 guys taking the brunt of angry and judgmental (but perfectly coiffed) Craig M. OK, so I know this guy’s a jerk, but he reminds me of Bradley Cooper in The Hangover so I’m totally OK with it.
25 guys acting like bitchy, whiny girls.
1 already addicted twenty-something chowing down on Wheatables and drooling over the scenes from this season: “WHY IS ALI CRYING? WHO IS THAT GUY IN THE HIPSTER HAT WHO STORMS OUT CUZ HE’S GOT A GIRLFRIEND BACK HOME?!”
760 calories worth of crackers consumed without even realizing it.
120 minutes of my life I’ll never get back. And I’m totally OK with that. Even though I never really liked Ali, I find her laugh annoying and I am bothered in my core by someone who would give up her career to find love ON A TV SHOW, I’m hooked. And I’m really curious to see how long crazy Kasey lasts. And if Jake will wake up, realize he married a trashy ho and make an appearance on this season.

I’ve been seeing this guy on and off for the past eight years.  He’s completely perfect- sure, he might be a little short and has been known to show his sassy side on occasion, but he’s really great when it comes to the life chats.  He’s got 1-800-Flowers on speed dial, keeps the champagne flowing, and always sets the mood with a million little candles all over his huge mansion.  We go on overnight dates to exotic locations, spend the day picnicking on the beach…and on top of all this, he’s totally not afraid to meet the parents.

What’s the problem, you ask?  Guys, I think Chris Harrison’s married!

Tonight rings in another season of The Bachelorette and, in a completely new move, it promises to be the Most Dramatic Season Ever.  Ali Fedotowsky, 25, is returning after she ditched (and then got ditched by) country boy and future wife beater, Jake Pavelka, last season.  Wait, am I the only one who sensed a whole bunch of repressed anger under that all-American veneer?  Don’t say I didn’t warn you, Vienna.

Anyway, fan favorite Ali will be selecting from 25 wish-they-were-hotter men.  A quick peek over at ABC.com revels that the casting directors had an interesting sense of humor this time around.  In seasons past, I found myself looking at the contestants asking, “How the hell is he single?”  Let me tell you, I know exactly why this season’s boys are still on the market.  From knobby necks to Adam Lambert look-alikes, the pickings are indeed slim.

Thankfully for you, I have gone over Ali’s pool of contestants with a skilled veteran’s eye and a healthy dose of cutthroat judgment.  I present to you the three best candidates for a shot at love and the three horrors that need to go back to the rocks from under which they came:

The Best

Jesse

Why they would work:
Cue the collective “Awwww”.  He’s a simple guy.  His greatest achievement?  Buying a truck.  Best attribute?  His good work ethic.  The Midwestern, guy next-door stereotype is personified in our friend Jesse.  Don’t you just want to take a hayride and tip some cows with this kid?

The catch:
He’s a year younger than Ali, which might give her a moment’s pause, but I think ultimately she’ll be all right with it.  The real trouble might arise when they run out of things to talk about.  It could be the recipe for a major crash-and-burn.  Yet again, Renée Zellweger and Harry Connick Jr. successfully played out a similar scenario in New In Town.  Perhaps life will imitate art B-List romantic comedies.

Chris L.

Why they would work:
First off, they’re both from Massachusetts.  On a dating game show, having even the smallest thing in common promotes early bonding.  Beyond that, look at him- the guy is totally laid back.  From the periodic table of elements on his t-shirt to his typical Saturday night activity (spending it at the bar with his friends), he’s not some over-coiffed pretty-boy.  Compared to the rest of the pastel shirt wearing, would-be hair models, he seems pretty…normal.

The catch:
He has a hint of Neanderthal forehead.

Chris H.

Why they would work:
Come on, now he’s pretty cute.  If you picture him not in a shiny lavender button down.  Seriously though- he’s 27, has a decent job, plays hockey, enjoys historical and cultural adventures.  What’s not to like?  Did I mention he’s probably the best looking on here?  If Ali has eyes, she’ll keep this guy around.

The catch:

He’s from Canada; she’s living in California.  Pragmatic Ali might see this as an insurmountable roadblock and send him prematurely packing.

Honorable Mention:

Jay.

He’s a lawyer with a dorky past and a skinny neck.  He golfs and skis and finds Donald Trump’s books “interesting and inspirational”.  Basically, mothers will love him.

The Worst (Do I really have to limit myself to three?)

Hunter

Stating the obvious:
He looks like the Snuggle Bear.  As in Snuggle fabric softener.  This guy needs to be put out of his misery, ASAP.

John N. aka The Glambert

Stating the obvious:
Before he gets the boot, maybe he can share with Ali where he gets his eyebrows done.  They really are a work of art.

Justin the “Entertainment Wrestler”

Stating the obvious:
When asked what he would bring to a desert island, he said hair gel.  Need I elaborate?

Tonight as you hunker down for two hours of cheesy pick-up lines and desperately bad jokes, be sure to take notes and get ready to share.  We’ll be tracking the Ali’s ups and downs each week, so sound off in the comments!

Last night’s finale of The Bachelor promised to have “the most shocking twist in Bachelor history,” according to host Chris Harrison. And boy oh boy, he wasn’t kidding.

For those of you who missed last night’s episode, here’s a quick recap: Bachelor Jason took each of the final two ladies competing for his love, Melissa and Molly, on separate day-long dates where they each met (and were grilled by!) his son and his family. Although he said in confessionals that he was torn between both women, the next day in the “final rose ceremony,” Jason tearfully dumped Molly before finally choosing Melissa. He proposed to her, and it seemed like it actually might work out for Melissa and Jason, who’s been saying for months that he’s engaged and how happy he is. Would this season of The Bachelor finally have a successful ending?

Guess not. Minutes after the fairy-tale-like finale, Jason said on the After the Rose special that he’d been having second thoughts about his choice. He explained that things had been different between him and Melissa ever since filming stopped, and revealed that he planned to end things with Melissa that night and ask Molly for a second chance. When Melissa came on stage and he revealed his feelings, she was shocked, called him a “bastard” (you go, girl), and stormed offstage.

No wonder she was pissed: she thought everything was going perfectly between them, and to find out that he didn’t feel the same way is a definite bummer. But to have her embarrassment broadcasted on NATIONAL TV, in front of millions of viewers—that’s beyond devastating, so I don’t blame her reaction.

But there may be another reason for just how upset she was. We’ve heard from a very strong source close to the show (for realz) that the real reason Melissa was so mad was because she lost her virginity to Jason! No wonder she flipped out the way she did, even though she was on TV.

Poor girl!

We all know the saying “you never forget your first,” but with her first being all over the media, Melissa won’t be able to escape him! She’s right: Jason is a total bastard. That whole “I love my son” game is totally a ploy to get into girls’ pants.