Ryan Seacrest is in some serious danger.

Pretty sure this man ate diamonds for lunch.

Jon Gosselin is officially douchier than Speidi.

Did Lady Gaga kill a photographer?!

Chris Martin isn’t such a great guy afterall.

Everyone loves Jimmy Choo for H&M.

Dear (See Below) Bands,

I love your music. Love, love, love. But can you maybe try to be a little less annoying? It makes it so hard to defend you when I tell my friends about my favorite artists. Actually, it makes it hard to admit to anyone that you happen to be one of them.  And I want to make them like you, really, I do. But like that friend who has a minor character flaw that now pisses you off enough that you really can’t see the good in her anymore,  I’m finding it difficult to enjoy your music knowing how annoying you are.

Here are some heart-to-heart tips from your loving (secret) admirer to be a little less annoying and a little more rock and roll.

Fall Out Boy

You always have a spot in my 6-CD player in my car. Sugar, you’ll never go down on the playlist for me if you continue to make some of the sweetest pop punk music out there. But please, Pete Wentz, I’m begging you – cut your hair, lay off the eyeliner and put on a damn shirt when you are on a magazine cover. You need to settle down – you play bass. And, um, you have a kid?

Also, Patrick, can you please enunciate your song lyrics so I can actually sing along and not just randomly open my mouth while humming the tune to look like I know what I’m singing? And what’s up with the weird syntax and bizzare punctuation in the song titles? Thnks Fr Th Confusn. I mean, e.e. Cummings was a legit poet, while you’re just… an antithesis of all semblance of reason. And grammar. My English teacher highly disapproves.

Avril Lavigne

“I’m with you” on how most of your songs are about girl problems to which every teenager can relate. And I love how you have other gigs too, like co-writing “Breakaway” for Kelly Clarkson and even recording The Spongebob Squarepants Movie theme song (my little bro totally agrees).  But I’m pretty sure that hot pink hair, combat boots, and thick-enough eyeliner to paint a mural were out of fashion like 10 years ago. You remind me of the wanna-be punk-rocker chicks at my old high school who stood in their corner by the snack machine and talked about how “complicated” their life was and how their parents didn’t understand them. You’re married now, for goodness sakes, so do your husband a favor and stop wearing pink angel wings and acting like a “sk8er boi.” Oh, and learn how to play the guitar for real. You’re kinda getting “under my skin.”

Coldplay

The first time I heard “Clocks,” it changed my life. And continued to do so for the 100 times I listened to it on repeat afterward. You should even see my wall – there’s a giant banner that shouts, “viva la vida,” my adopted mantra para mi vida. But enough with the same gloomy, sad looks while you play haunting, heart-wrenching melodies on the piano, Chris Martin. I’m wondering if you’re able to play some different chord progressions as well, since you only seem to stick to one particular one on every. single. bloody. song. Can we maybe change it up a bit, with chords and tempos and basically not have the same harmonic patterns last throughout the whole album? Or four? Keep the accent though, please. Oh, and tell Gwyneth to lose the GOOP.

Simple Plan

My friend saw you in concert in Japan, and just like her, I must say: I’m “addicted” to your music. In a “perfect world,” I would hang out with you guys all day and do crazy stuff like dye the neighbor’s pool yellow or something, because, let’s face it, “I’m just a kid.” You seem like a bunch of cool, fun kids just making music because you can, and I love that about you. But unfortunately, you kinda remind me of blink182. But not in a middle-school-memories, emo-phase, dress-like-a-punk, nostalgic sort of way. More like a trying-a-little-too-hard, bad-album-titles, life-is-so-unfair-let’s-cry-about-it sort of way. Skateboarding is a sport, not a prop, and yelling at your parents on a rooftop in the pouring rain? Effective, but kinda cheesy I must say. Maybe there’s a reason you’re “still not getting any”…

Miley Cyrus

My guilty pleasure of all things guilt-full and pleasurable is “See You Again.” It’s on my workout playlist, my clubbing/dance-party playlist, and my blasting-in-the-car playlist. To the point where I’m headbanging and screaming out the lyrics with my girlfriends, and looking like a mad woman to the car next to us. But oh mah gah. There is so much advice and wisdom I wish to impart upon you that’s long enough to last a whole Oprah episode. You’re obviously not as big as a band, but your ego is big enough compete with one. Can you please act your age and stop dating older men that are probably not into you and more into your…assets? And stop taking those trashy MySpace pictures that even my 12 year old cousin knows not to take? You’re probably one of the reasons sexting is such a problem these days among teens. Or maybe just why television shows are going down the drain. Whatever happened to old Disney classics like Even Stevens and Sister, Sister? Dump the TV show and the drama queen act and just behave more like the role model you’re supposed to be for young girls. Then I won’t be so embarrassed when someone sees you on (every single one of) my iPod playlists.

Love,

Your (Not-So-Secret-Anymore) Admirer

I’m not really one discriminate, but there’s something so sexy about a man who takes care of the environment. Just the thought of planting trees together gets me going.  His strong hands covered in dirt, biceps bulging as he lowers the shovel into the ground, his body sweating… Is it hot in here or is it just global warming?

Call me a tree hugger if you want, but I would gladly hug (naked hug?) any of these earth friendly hotties. So reduce, reuse and recycle and then sit back and relax while you admire our Earth Day gift to you. (Click on the image to get see the boys in all their earth-loving splendor.)

You’ve got to understand that this is no ethereal crush. My love for dear ol’ Chris dates waaaay back to the ancient times of the late 1990s, when the music video for Yellow was all over MTV. I was a gangly, frizzy-haired sixth-grader, and he was a poetic, articulate, blue-eyed Brit. Deep in my heart, I knew that the stars were shining for me, as he proclaimed, and there was nothing more I wanted than to soothe his aching heart by lying him down right there on that beach and effing him into submission. Yes, I was a very precocious sixth-grader.

Shortly thereafter, Chris and Coldplay rocketed to superstardom. Over the past nine years, the band has released four studio albums, in conjunction with breathtaking music video release after breathtaking music video release (hello? The Scientist?).  All over the world, people were falling in love with Chris. Men, women, parents, grandparents, teachers–it was Coldplay mania!

I was okay with the world adoring Chris (we had that special “Yellow” connection, after all. Sara + Chris, 2gether 4ever.) – even after that infamous “You know how I know you’re gay?” comment from The 40-Year-Old-Virgin – but I had my heart broken in 2003, when Chris married uber-babe actress Gwyneth Paltrow. I’ve since recovered from my heartache, realizing that just because he’s married doesn’t make Chris any less of a hottie. While he and I may not be riding off into the sunset alone, I’ve begun to realize a couple of reasons why he is the most effable rock star in the world–ones that have nothing to do with how good he looks in a t-shirt.

For one thing, Chris has been lauded for his work with Oxfam International, a network of organizations seeking to end poverty and injustice. He has been widely photographed with the network’s “Make Trade Fair” logo on his hand. He was in Shaun of the Dead and has collaborated with Kanye West and Jay-Z. This week in particular has been a banner week for Mr. Martin – an interview on 60 Minutes and awards at the Grammys…and if I had my way, a nice Valentine’s Day eff. Mmm.

Keep your hands off of him, Paltrow. He’s mine.

And last night was no disappointment. Well, maybe the whole Chris Brown/Rihanna sitch – lord knows I would have loved to see her performing. Coldplay and Jay-Z? Katy Perry? Al Green and Justin Timberlake? Our homegirl, Jennifer Hudson?

I was dancin’ in my living room. Yes, cookie dough in hand.

And the red carpet wasn’t too shabby, either. It definitely kept me on my toes. I don’t know what it is about this particular award show, but people really like to think outside the box with their fashion choices. I saw way too many origami-inspired dresses, not to mention the weird thing that Paris Hilton decided to sport. And the guys weren’t much better. I mean, I know Coldplay was performing but did they have to wear those costumes all night? You didn’t see Katy Perry rocking the sparkley Chiquita Banana outfit on the Red Carpet…

Below are some of the more….er….interesting fashion statements from the Grammys. I mean, who really thinks a giant bow should be placed directly over your lady parts?

I don’t know, friends; I just don’t know. At least it made for some exciting TV, though. (Click on the picture to get a glance at the whole weird-lookin’ ensemble.)

It sounds like this year, people will be tuning in moreso for the hysterical commercials and the halftime entertainment, rather than the actual football. So far, it has been announced that Jennifer Hudson will sing the National Anthem (meh), Faith Hill will perform a pregame show (over it), and Bruce Springsteen has snagged the highly coveted spot as the halftime performer. I’ve got nothing against the Boss, but if you’re going to get people to tune in to watch the Cardinals, you’re going to have to offer them some excitement at some point during the game.

Where’s Janet? Bring in some gratuitous nipple shots if you really want to please the public.

That said, I would like to petition the National Football League to consider taking me on as their halftime party planner. Here are some sample line-ups that I would suggest to really keep the party that is 2009 going strong.

1. Lady Gaga

Now here’s a breakout star that could get all of Ray-J Stadium on their feet. In a Times description of the woman behind the hottest dance track of 2008, Ms. Gaga was given madd props: “In combining music, fashion, art and technology, Lady GaGa evokes Madonna when she was good, Gwen Stefani circa Hollaback Girl, Kylie 2001 or Grace Jones right now.” There you have it, folks. The next Madonna, the drug-free Winehouse, the sane Britney, the non-annoying Fergie. F*ck the pigskin, Tampa. Get off your feet on February 1 and Just Dance.

Not hot enough: Throw in a cameo by the other hot biatch of 2008, Katy Perry. Who said football has to be a “guy thing”?

2.  Coldplay

They might not offer the over-the-top splendor that Lady Gaga could bring (you know home girl would have plenty of pyrotecnics), but Viva la Vida was the most downloaded album on iTunes last year, so they’ve got something going for them.  Wanna make the crowd really go wild? Figure out a way for Joe Satriani to take the stage and intersperse his riffs from “If I Could Fly” with Chris Martin and company’s title song from the album.

3.  Madonna and Janet.

Both of them are fading from the spotlight, but their names remain notorious.  Imagine if we paired up the Queen of Pop and Miss Jackson (if you’re nasty).  Besides, Madge caused quite a stir in 2003 when she locked lips with both Britney Spears and Christina Aquilera, and more recently has made headlines since a 30-year-old Playboy portrait has surfaced and is set for auction.  Meanwhile, Miss J. is probably one of the most memorable performers in Super Bowl history.  Do you see the lines you could draw from this partnership?

Bonus: Throw Justin into the mix.  Have him sing his part of “4 Minutes” and then have Madonna rip Janet’s top off (because Justin doing it again would be way to predictable).

4.  Michael Jackson, with backup dancers from a Filipino prison.

If you haven’t seen this video, you just won’t get it.  But that would be the performance of the century.

5. All of the F*ck Ups from Last Year

It would be like a updated version of “We are the World.” Let Brit-Brit introduce the posse, since (kudos, Brit) she has cleaned up her act, and then throw Wino, LezLo, SaMANtha, and Miley onstage (do I read Perez too much?).  Hey, at least it will be funnier than any commercial they throw at us.  To close the performance, invite the Twilight cast up, make it look like they are going to do something, and then cancel the rest of the halftime show.

6. Beyonce and Jay-Z. A Lover’s Duet.

Beyonce’s single, “Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It)” has been blowing up the charts, and even inspired a satire on SNL.  What’s more, she got music mogul Jay-Z to actually put a ring on it.  The bonus? All the rap stars travel with a posse, so there would be a good chance of other celebs popping up throughout the performance. Hey, Beyonce and Mariah partied with their husbands in St. Bart’s over New Years…

2008 was a fabulous year in music. Which means it will also be a fabulous Christmas (or Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Festivous) for you if you know what to ask for. Here are the top 5 CDs I hope to find under my tree on Christmas morning…or, since it is 2008, the CDs I’ll buy with my iTunes gift card that’s in my Christmas stocking.

Kings of Leon- Only By the Night:

For me, this is the album of the year. I’ve always been a semi-fan of Kings of Leon, but it wasn’t until this most recent album that I became a super fan. I could listen to Only By the Night over and over and not get tired of it. And I probably will throughout the entirety of 2009. The other day, I got in my friend’s car and his radio was turned all the way up. “Having a party?” I asked. “Oh, ‘Sex on Fire’ was on the radio,” he replied. So yes, it was a party. And that about sums the album up.

Coldplay- Viva la Vida:

Every Coldplay album is a hit, so it should be no surprise that Viva la Vida is right up there with the rest of them. Though Chris Martin and the boys have threatened that this is their last album, I have a feeling they’ll keep going, especially after the huge success of this one. Coldplay does have some haters, but even those haters would have a difficult time denying the awesome-ness of the album’s title track. But to me, the standout song on Viva la Vida is “Lost.” It’s right up there with “The Scientist” and “Fix You.”

Girl Talk- Feed the Animals:

I had never heard of Girl Talk or Gregg Gillis until 2008 and now his new album, Feed the Animals, is in my top 5 of the year. The crazy thing is, he doesn’t even write/sing/play his own music. He just mixes (or “mashes”) the music. The album is filled with samples from pretty much every popular artist you’ve ever heard of. Feed the Animals contains clips from Jay-Z, Britney Spears, Rod Stewart, Kanye West, Radiohead, Ben Folds Five, Ace of Base, 50 Cent, and about a billion more. Oh, I almost forgot the best part. You can pay whatever you want for Feed the Animals if you go to Girl Talk’s website. Which also means you can pay nothing if you want. Santa likes that.

Jason Mraz- We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things:

Jason can do no wrong in my book. And his new album is proof that as he gets older, he gets even better. The album includes lots of typical, fun Jason with “Butterfly” and “Dynamo of Volition,” but also some more mellow, absolutely beautiful tunes, like “A Beautiful Mess” and “Details in the Fabric.” Not only should this album be under your tree this year, but you should also ask for concert tickets as well. Nobody puts on a better show than the Mraz.

Frightened Rabbit- The Midnight Organ Fight:

Frightened Rabbit is one of those bands you’ve never heard of, but when you do, you can’t believe you lived without them. The boys in the band have hot Scottish accents and their music is fairly mellow, but also has the kind of beat that will get you moving. Even when the boys in Frightened Rabbit swear (which they tend to do), it sounds endearing. After listening to “Keep Yourself Warm,” I promise you’ll be hooked.