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Christina Aguilera is a hot mess and we love it

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On Saturday, Christina Aguilera performed a tribute at Etta James’s funeral in Los Angeles. She sang “At Last,” Etta’s most famous song. But even though she sounded great, the crowd was distracted by something. Christina had some kind of weird, brownish fluid dripping down her legs.

Lots of theories are going around about what that strange stuff might have been. One of the latest rumors is that Christina had an “accident” on stage. No, people don’t think she peed her pants. They think she had her period and forgot to put in a tampon. Come on, people. This isn’t middle school. Christina’s a big girl, and we’re sure she has her lady problems under control. Besides, that’s not what it would have looked like if she had gotten her period on stage. Her are a few of our suggestions about what might have really gone wrong.

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Now that Oprah’s off the air (well, not really– she just decided to start her own TV network instead), I’m starting to wonder who will take her place as an overwhelming wealthy woman who uses her resources and media presence for good. Sure, no one will ever replace Ms. Winfrey, but I sure hope she’s not the last woman to inspire and help the world to the extent that Oprah did. Even if they don’t land their own talk show, there’s a handful of well-known women who I know I’d have no problem sitting across from and telling my life story to.

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Who inspires you? Who would you like to see take a shot at the Oprah empire?

So I think we all know what this post is going to be about.

On Sunday I sat down with my plate of nachos to watch the opening of the best commercials of the year the Super Bowl, only to find Christina Aguilera messing up the words to the national anthem. I had a good chuckle, and then went to get some potato skins. By half time, I was over it. But the rest of the world, apparently, was not. So I’m just going to say what needs to be said.

LEAVE. THE. GIRL. ALONE. AND. GET. OVER. IT.

Christina is not the first public figure to mess up the Star Spangled Banner, and she won’t be the last, either. In 1990 at a Padres’ game, Roseann spit and grabbed her crotch as she sang. R. Kelly butchered this sacred song at a boxing match. And in 2003 at Fenway Park, Michael Bolton actually stopped singing to consult his notes during the very same part that Christina messed up.

And at least she can sing! Her voice is awesome. Remember what happened when the mic picked up Hilary Clinton’s rendition of the Star Spangled banner during her presidential campaign in 2008? Politicians everywhere learned it’s better to just mouth the words than actually sing. With her very public divorce from Jordan Bratman and all the crazy rumors surrounding that (she puts them to rest here), plus the fact that she has been dragged through the mud for her role in this year’s biggest flop, Burlesque, the girl’s had a pretty tough year, and it’s time to let this go.

I mean, the poor girl is terrified to take the stage at the Grammys. And why? Because in her long, successful career this superstar with one of the best voices in the business messed up once?!

So let’s just put this whole mess is behind us and focus on the bigger issues here. Like her hair. You think she would have brushed it before singing at the Super Bowl…

I’ll admit it, I’m (extremely) jealous of the Hollywood A-Listers’ lives. They have perfect bodies, perfect teeth, skin, boyfriends/girlfriends, houses and careers! Not to mention the loads of money they have from all of their hit movies/TV shows/albums/random endorsements (Proactive, anyone?). They get to live in exotic places, travel to even more exotic places, and never have to wear anything twice. Plus, they have people waiting on them hand and foot. Come on, just once I’d love to pass off doing my laundry to someone else.

But I’m beginning to see that maybe their lives aren’t total perfection. Yes, like Us Weekly tells us every Wednesday, stars really are just like us, and that means that they can have rough weeks too. In fact, their bad weeks make my “OMG, I have 3 tests and Gossip Girl isn’t on and I just tore my Sevens when I was doing my post-laundry lunges!” week seem like a walk in the park.

Leave it to our favorite celebrities to keep giving us more. It seems everything happens at the same time after a dull week and frankly we were overwhelmed just going through it all. This week we’ve had some break ups, an engagement, and a possible escape. We can always rely on Hollywood to give us something to talk about. But what else is new?

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1. Is Perez Hilton changing his ways? It certainly looks like it! After all of the suicide incidents we’ve been reading about due to bullying, Perez has decided to make some changes to the way he blogs. Perez posted a video this week explaining that he has been a bully to people like Jennifer Aniston, and he feels it’s time for him to be a more positive blogger. This doesn’t mean he won’t say some snarky things every now and then, but he’s going to clean it up a bit.

2. Courtney Cox and David Arquette are separated, and David talked too much about it on Howard Stern’s radio show. He explained that he and Courtney weren’t having sex and she wanted him to “do whatever [he] had to do,” which is why he slept with a waitress named Jasmine Waltz. The couple isn’t getting divorced yet and are trying to work on things through separation for the sake of their six-year-old daughter Coco. Hopefully Courtney missed his radio interview.

3. Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman were separated, now she has filed for divorce. The couple separated in September and are citing irreconcilible differences. They will share custody of their son Max, and Christina requested that both her and Jordan pay their own legal fees and that she pay no spousal support. They did sign a pre-nup, which means Jordan won’t be getting any moolah. Rumors are flying around that Christina may have cheated on the music exec, but nothing has been confirmed.

4. True Blood’s Joe Manganiello is engaged to actress Audra Marie! Sorry ladies, Alcide is unavailable! The two took a trip to Italy where he proposed! They’ve only been dating for a short while since they met in early 2009, but they are super cute together. Congrats!

5. Did Lindsay Lohan try to escape from rehab? No, but that would’ve been a great story! Reports are saying that LiLo tried to escape from the Betty Ford Center to get a soda. Ha! Shawshank Coke Redemption? It could be her comeback! Don’t worry though, her lawyer says this isn’t true, and Lindsay is making great progress. Keep it up lady!

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1. T.I. talked down a suicidal man! The rapper was in Atlanta and heard about a man trying to jump on the radio, so he went over there to help. T.I. said if the guy came down, he’d talk to him in person and it worked!

2. Don’t worry Gleeks, Mark Salling is coming back! Reports were saying that Mark was getting the boot. False! That hottie isn’t going anywhere and he’ll be back after the Rocky Horror episode.

3. Johnny Depp visited an elementary school in England as Captain Jack Sparrow to help some kids with a mutiny! A nine-year-old girl wrote Captain Sparrow a letter asking for his help, and he showed up! Cool!

4. Robert Redford got knighted into France’s Legion of Honor. So now that’s Sir Robert Redford to you!

5. Check out Zach Galifinakis in Vanity Fair! Seriously. Best thing you’ll see all week.

[Welcome to Celebrity Chic on the Cheap in which our style guru takes a celebrity look and breaks it down for you, our poor college fashionista. What does that mean? It means that while the celebrities are spending $5,000 on an ensemble, you don’t have to. All you have to do is click on the goods and - boom - you can buy the entire ensemble. Yes, we know - there is a spot for her in heaven.]

I’m an unabashed Xtina lover. She snagged me with “Reflections” (yes, I took it all the way back to Mulan), and I’ve stuck with her through her various musical and aesthetic reinventions, from the dirty to the vintage to the futuristic.

What I’ve always admired about Christina, besides her stellar voice and her ability to redefine catty and alienate her peers is her personal style. She is not one of those celebs we’re likely to catch bumming around in slouchy sweats and stained shirts (I still love you, Britney!). Even when she’s strolling around L.A., she’ll elevate a casual tank top + leggings look with interesting accessories and sky-high heels.

T-shirt, Jeggings, Sunglasses, Hat, Heels

What I love most about this look is that its perfectly casual for your daily activities, but – thanks to the funky fedora and oversize sunglasses – still totally chic. (Plus, the fedora provides ample coverage for that “I woke up late and didn’t have time to wash my greasy hair” issue we often encounter.) The outfit is perfectly balanced with the loose-fitting tee over a pair of ultra-skinny jeans, and the fire red heels add an extra touch of rock star. Of course, if sporting heels to 6 hours of class isn’t your idea of fun, you can replace the heels with a more comfortable patent leather flat and still maintain a look that is fresh, fun and the antithesis of college sloppy. The best part of this look? Layering on a loose cardigan for those frigid campus buildings only makes it better.

I hate to say this, but there should be a rule against speaking enforced for celebrities that are still in their teens. Really, it’s not for anyone else’s benefit than their own. Think about it: When you were 13 or 14, how many dumb and stupid things did you say before you realized you sounded like an immature brat? We’ve all been there, but luckily for us, the limelight wasn’t shining on us like a menacing stage-light monster.

Our teenage years are all about making and learning mistakes, but  teenage celebrities always seem like they’re suffering from long-term mouth diarrhea. Whether they’re talking about saving themselves before marriage….Hello, Ms. Britney, or comparing getting photographed by the paparazzi to getting raped, some of these celebrities teens should just apply duct tape to their mouths until they’re 21.

Don’t believe me? CollegeCandy has compiled a quality list of quotes from teen celebs.  And sadly these are the most intelligent things they’ve said so far:

1. Miley Cyrus: “I have a problem with people who are wearing board shorts when they aren’t going to the beach and Liam is constantly in surf trunks. He just wears trunks all the time. My best friend is gay, so it doesn’t help. He’s always decked out and really hot and then I see my boyfriend and I’m like, ‘I kinda want that one. Even though you don’t like me, I really like you!”

CC Says: Miley’s BFF is gay so now her BF Liam is not hot. Girl, I’ll have him.

2. Justin Bieber: “It’s kind of hard to balance school and work sometimes. But sometimes, like, if I’m going to the White House and I’m in there doing a tour and stuff, that’s like school.”

CC Says: Totes Magotes Justin. I know what you mean, sometimes I have to do homework AFTER I meet Malia and Sasha Obama.

3. Taylor Momsen: “I’m an artist; I’m not going to use trigonometry.”

CC Says: Taylor is so right. Being an artist is way more important than getting a college education. Who needs trig?!

4. Kristen Stewart: “The photos are so … I feel like I’m looking at someone being raped. A lot of the time I can’t handle it. It’s f—ed. I never expected that this would be my life.”

CC Says: Boo hoo Kristen. My life is so hard. I get to make out with Rob Pattinson and make loads of money. Paparazzi are ruining my life.

5. Britney Spears: “I’ve never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don’t like eating fish. And I know it’s very popular out there in Africa.”

CC Says: Hey Brit, brit, what kind of fish do they eat in Africa?

6. Lourdes (Lola) Leon: “So I want to know what you guys think about rompers… is that like a hit or miss, ‘cause I’m not sure. If you comment, be sure to tell me what you think. OK but no joke gladiator sandals are OUT. They came out in summer 2008 and I was like, ok those are really cute. Then 2009 comes around and people are still wearing them so I’m like, ok whatever it’s just a phase. BUT NOOOOO. Because good old 2010 is now coming along and people are STILL wearing them, and then I was just like OK NO! It’s been three years people COME ON!!!!!!!!! I’m just like what????”

CC Says: Lola is such a fashionista, she’s allowed to blog like disz. Okay? No1 h8te on her.

7. Bristol Palin:

CC Says: Yes, what if you weren’t Sarah Palin’s daughter? You probably be normal. Just sayin’

Young girls sobbing, clawing out at a stray shirttail, an errant sleeve, or maybe a baggy pant leg.  They shake with excitement and shout “I love you!” at the top of their lungs as the object of their affection passes by.  They are eternally grateful for even the smallest sign of acknowledgement, clinging to a wink or nod as a shipwrecked sailor might to floating debris.  Think I’m exaggerating?

As you read this, hundreds of Twilight fans are camping outside the Nokia Theatre in L.A. waiting for the red carpet premiere tomorrow…but most of them have been there since Monday!  Clad in Team Edward/Jacob t-shirts and waving blankets that depict the stars emerging from moody shadows, these loyal vamp lovers are holding their ground only to maybe score a wristband that allows them inside.  What happens if they’re denied?  Sadly, it’s back into their cars and on to home where they’ll have to wait for the nationwide premiere like everyone else.

Or what about the Christina Aguilera fan who just purchased 250 copies of the singer’s CDs?  In an effort to simultaneously “save Christina’s career” and take down Perez Hilton, who has lately been badmouthing the diva more than usual, the title of crazy superfan has found a new owner.  What makes this one person think they can actually have an effect on a huge star’s career?  Why would he even want to spend all that money on a favor that will never be returned?  Oh, and don’t give me that, “Her music is a favor I can never repay” type crap.  Xtina doesn’t care about you.

And who can forget Britney Spears’ most loyal fan?  Chris Crocker’s infamous “Leave Britney Alone” plea garnered nearly 32 million YouTube hits and became a sensation almost larger than Brit herself.  He sobs, wipes his running eye makeup, and yanks his frosted tips out of his enraged eyes as he chastises America from under the privacy of his bed sheet.

Sure, these are extreme cases of Superfanitis, but this heightened awareness of celebrity culture and the undying need to be absorbed in the action is getting more and more common.  Look at what happened when Twitter “un-trended” Justin Bieber or even when we here at CollegeCandy said Taylor Swift was overrated! (Editor’s Note: we seriously feared for our lives.)

People, why are you doing this?  Are you completely off your rocker, or is there some justification for patiently and happily waiting in the rain just to catch a glimpse of someone who would never do the same for you?  I must be missing something, because this unwavering devotion has become so common, it’s almost accepted as the norm.  Do you feel more a part of these stars’ lives when you obsessively know their favorite food, color, and most private stories?  If someone approached you on the street and recited the story of how that one time in the third grade you got pantsed in gym class, would you be a little horrified or would you want to marry that creeper and have a thousand babies?

Now, don’t think I’m above the fray.  I love a good celebrity break-up or unplanned pregnancy just as much as the next Us Weekly subscriber, but I think there is a difference between peeking into celebs lives and throwing yourself at their feet begging for an autograph or picture.  But such is life as a fan, and if you’re not willing to put your heart (and your dignity) on the line, you might as well step aside and make room for the truly crazy devoted.

Christina Aguilera is used to applause. A performer since childhood, Aguilera has sold nearly 50 million albums worldwide and won four Grammys — one for each of her three studio albums and a group performance prize for her participation in the hit ‘Lady Marmalade.’

Of late, however, Aguilera has been the subject of some rather vicious criticism. Her fourth album, ‘Bionic,’ hit store yesterday, and the record and Aguilera’s promotion of it have put the 29-year-old singer in the media cross-hairs. It seems she can’t do much of anything right; early reviews for ‘Bionic’ have been mostly tepid, her first single tanked and she can’t even get dressed without being accused of ripping off other artists — Lady Gaga and Madonna, in particular.

(While media critics aren’t too keen on it, fans who have already heard the album are giving it a 7.6 rating out of 10 on Metacritic.)

The contempt has been so intense that when Aguilera canceled her summer tour, citing her commitments to promoting the album and her forthcoming film, ‘Burlesque,’ critics immediately called foul. Though tickets had barely gone on sale, the blogosphere lit up with speculation that sales had been weak, causing Aguilera and Live Nation, the tour’s promoter, to pull the plug before things got embarrassing.

Bad performances, bad reviews, and a bad comeback for Christina. Read the rest at PopEater.