Close your legs, woman!

Let me get this straight. Juliet has been terrorizing the Upper East Side in her outlet mall dresses for months because Lily WhateverHerLastNameIs wanted Serena to get into a good high school? SERIOUSLY?

For a minute there I thought the whole Juliet saga was merely a way to provide more opportunities for Bing and RentTheRunway product placements, but that’s just silly! High school…now it’s all making so much more sense.

And to think, I used to get mad at my mom for making me clean my room before the cleaning ladies came over. (But really, why should I have to clean my room if we’re paying someone to do it?!) Lily definitely outdid her. Sending someone to jail so her daughter could have a good high school education and go on to do great things? Obviously that’s some good mothering. If only that plan didn’t totally backfire, right Lil? First Serena opts out of college for a year to do PR, then she sleeps with a married man who happens to be her ex-boyfriend’s cousin, and then she ends up in The Ostroff Center (where they might as well have a van der Woodsen special) in a necklace that could easily double as a weapon.

Brava, Lily! You really care about your children! They should honor you with the “Worse Than Dina Lohan” award! Read More »

The entire season of Gossip Girl thus far has been the foreplay to the ultimate climax in a brewing ‘Serana take down’ courtesy of Team Brooklyn (i.e. Jenny, Vanessa, and Juliet).  And not the good kind that gets you all hot and bothered. More like ‘what the hell are you doing with your hands, drunken frat pledge?’ foreplay. Read: horrific.

But we finally reached the climax and despite my expectations that it just wouldn’t happen (and I’d have to channel my inner Meg Ryan a la ‘When Harry Met Sally’), we had a toe curling, fireworks extravaganza last night that left me jonesing for a cigarette. (Not that I smoke, but it just seemed appropriate after that hot, hot Blair/Chuck sexy sesh. DAYUMMM.)

I knew Serena was going down, but whew, girl didn’t even get a chance to go down with a fight!  Like they say on the Upper East Side, the possibilities are endless.

Since we are on the precipice of one of my favorite holidays of the year (Thanksgiving!), I thought it would only be appropriate to create the perfect recipe for every Gossip Girl episode.  Even though this particular Monday evening run had a few more twists, turns and ingriedents than normal, I feel like I’ve seen all of this before.  So here we go, let’s cook up some GG casserole, shall we?

A Spoonful of Lily Trying to Fix Serena’s Reputation By Writing a Check
Poor Serena, the scheming efforts of Team Brooklyn have led S’s flesh and blood mother to assume the worst. And weird, Lily is stuck writing another check to buy Serena a mended reputation. Well, pshh, that’s never happened before.

Two Teaspoons of Blair Trying to be an Empowering Women
Since Mr. Chuck isn’t a blurter and meant what he said when he let intense sexual pleasures dull his senses thus voicing the three one-syllable words, Blair and Chuck announce they are back together. Well, they’re forced to announce it when Serena’s Doppelganger exposes them, but whatev. It happened. Unfortunately for Chuck (and every single viewer who has only hung on this season because of those two) it didn’t last long. Blair wants to be her own woman. You know, like Hillary Clinton, but with better hair. “I have to be Blair Waldorf before I’m Chuck Bass’ girlfriend.” Awww. Read More »

I want to be that robe. Or that cookie. Or that duvet.

Like most people, after seeing the commercials for Gossip Girl promising loads of Blair and Chuck hate sex, I was beyond excited. While I usually DVR the episode and watch it later in the evening to avoid those pesky commercial breaks, I couldn’t stand to wait another minute so I <gasp> watched it live (with many of you!).

….and I was more disappointed than that time I hooked up with my high school crush and he kept saying “baseball, baseball, baseball” for the duration of the (3 minute) dalliance.

I don’t know what those Gossip Girl writers are smoking over there at CW HQ but it must be laced with something bad because this show has turned into the worst piece of crap in TV history. Seriously, I think I’d rather watch a Hoarders marathon than this dribble. This episode just makes me so angry. When it finally ended and I finished picking popcorn kernels out of my teeth, I hated everyone. Everyone! (Especially Orville Redenbacher.) Read More »

Alright everyone, take a moment to remain calm.  Is your hair in missionary disarray, just like Serena’s after her night with the “cab stealer?”  Mine is.  I was ready to tear it out during the entire episode.  Then I came to my senses, fearing having to get extensions like Jenny’s.

OH THE HORROR.

Speaking of horror, can we talk about this week’s episode of Gossip Girl? Wait, of course we can, that’s why you’re here, right? I mean, it’s been two weeks since the last installment, so you can pretty much say I’m STILL hyperventilating from all that goodness.  The CW Network was so right – waiting for next week’s episode is going to make me very uncomfortable. Even if I plan on being drunk in a tutu for 72 hours straight this week.

But back to last night.  First of all, let’s state the obvious, shall we?  Little J is back with her atrocious uni-braided horse’s mane …. and I couldn’t be more happy about it.

Welcome back, Jenny Humphrey! I’ve missed you more than I miss my 3rd grade metabolism.
OK, almost.

The little blonde freakshow truly lit up this episode and made quite a scene both in Blair’s “Chuck nightmare” and real life.  Speaking of nightmares, since it’s getting so close to Halloween (and since this episode was such a hot mess of amazingness), I thought it would be a great idea to to highlight the Upper East Side elites’ all-time worst nightmares, one richy rich kid at a time.  Read More »

Do Columbia students not carry books?

Have you ever been so excited for something – counting down the minutes, planning your day around it, fantasizing about how amazingly awesome it is going to be, turning off your cell phone so you won’t be interrupted – only to be totally disappointed? Yeah, welcome to the day I lost my virginity my Monday night.

So thanks for nothing, Gossip Girl.

After Chuck’s brazen (and dare I say super sexy) declaration of war during last week’s episode, I was chomping at the bit to see how things would go down. As each day passed, I got more and more excited for my Monday night date with Chuck and the rest of the UES crew. I had dreams (that are too inappropriate to divulge here) about me, Chuck and his private plane. I had visions of a Chuck and Blair reunion. I wrote aggressive emails to the GG writing staff to push Juliet out of a window at the top of the Empire….

And then, 60 boring minutes and a bag of pretzel M&Ms later, I was bitter and angry…and really thirsty (seriously, what is it with those M&Ms?). What was it that was getting my granny panties in a bunch? Read More »

"I am being an evil biznatch because I still love you and am too proud to admit it."

I was way excited to dig into this week’s Gossip Girl.  Did Juliet finally get Botox and a new wardrobe so she could at least appear five years younger?  Is that french fairy, Eva, going to touch Chuck with her magic wand?  Is Dan going to get the sensation of baby poop out of his nostrils?  How can Eva tell time through all that Cartier sparkly?  Will Serena die refreshing the pages of Gossip Girl?

We have all the answers right here, in your favorite GG recap.

Along with the juicy deets, I thought I would shake things up a little bit (rawr, I’m scandolous.)  Today, in the fashion of Joan Rivers after every. single. award show, I’m breaking down last night’s episode to Bests and Worsts. Because any fan of Gossip Girl knows that as soon as something starts looking great for someone on the UES (or, these days, UWS), it’s not long before it takes a turn for the way, way worse.  Charles Dickens said it himself, people: “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…” Read More »

"What do you mean, 'I look like Wilma Flinstone??'"

First of all, who else wants to squint and lip sync “XOXO GOSSIP GIRL” whenever the episode comes to an end?  I know I do, every single time.  Anyway, down to business.  Clearly whoever pitched this inning of GG had a seriously mean side arm.  Between Serena and Dorota’s camera skills, I could barely keep up!

The episode started off stressful enough because Gossip Girl was down (we don’t dig the silent treatment, GG!).  Meanwhile Serena and Blair play besties, milling around Columbia’s rainy campus – Serena way overdressed and Blair way over leoparded – and waltzing into The Hamilton House for a key.  Lucky for Serena, Juliet (her favorite conniving 27-year-old-trying-to-look-like-she’s-19 biznatch) is the key master. She gave Serena one of those “I-just-pooped-sideways” looks and said, “This is why I hate it when best friends come together…” and gives Blair “the only key left.” Oopsie, poopsie.

Later, while B is holding court at the Hamilton House, Juliet milks whatever plan she’s got cookin’ and makes Blair cancel plans with Serena.  This, of course gives Serena the go-ahead to put on her Gucci detective cap.   Thanks to GG’s technological advancements and ability to now stream video, she discovers Blair is lying about her “bubble bath” and really opted to hang out with Juliet.  Come on Serena, didn’t you know Blair hates to disrespect tradition!?  Oh also, (a guilty moment of enjoyment) Serena gets rejected by both Dan and Nate. Don’t worry Serena, you can cry if you want to.

Meanwhile, Rufus breaks it to Dan that “genetics don’t lie, son” and Dan wonders why Georgina isn’t back from her long weekend yet.  Well Dan, I think it has something to do with the mystery love child shackin’ up at your place.  Whatever, Vanessa goes beyond girlfriend duty to help take care of the baby for Dan.

Wait, did I switch over to an episode of Maury?
Oh wait – I see Louboutins. Still watching GG. Moving on…. Read More »

"Oh hey, mom! Yeah, I'm jst having breakfast in my shoulder pads and '90s prom updo!"

Only on Gossip Girl can the episode begin with two beautifully (albeit overdressed) designer clad ladies eating crumpets at a spicy cafe in Paris while discussing Blair’s future date with Louis, whom is (naturally) a Prince.  I’m serious, the Disney Channel couldn’t make this sh*t up. And only on Gossip Girl can that beautiful moment be interrupted by a call from Serena’s mom to scurry on over to the morgue to identify a body that is presumably her former step-brother’s.

Yes, while sporting those chrome shoulder pads…and that squirrel that was residing on the back of her head.  I fully understand it was her hair, but let’s all agree that Serena is lucky she’s so gorge. That sorta business wouldn’t fly on just anyone…especially yours truly.

Whew, let’s dive right in, shall we? After four (long, cold, desolate) months of trying to figure out what happened after Chuck risked his entire life to save Miss Blair’s monstrous rock, Gossip Girl is in full force and here with all the answers.  No need to worry, my minions – Jenny (and her split ends/leggings/eye liner) did not appear on this episode. Rejoice!

OK. Here goes…

While Serena is going to the morgue – “What is that a strip club?” (Quote, unquote. Blair Waldorf, ladies and gentleman) – Nate is back at home in New York sipping coffee with Juliet, a sketchy girl he met in a restaurant.  Juliet is refreshingly charming at first but we all know that’s a surefire sign of a complete nut case. Well, everyone but Nate knows that.

See, Juliet seems to be brewing a screw-Serena-and-Nate-over stew and it’s starting to smell like victory. Read More »

Classes are out, exams are over, and I am thrilled to announce that outside my window it is a blissful 78 degrees.  Dearest readers- the summer season is within reach.  With the heat comes a breezy wardrobe, new flings, and a fresh excuse to document all the places you get drunk with those arm-out pictures that crop off half your face.

As you bid adieu to roommates, campus bartenders, and that guy you may or may not have hooked up with last weekend (still waiting for photo evidence), I said goodbye to my favorite Upper East Siders on Gossip Girl (am I saying goodbye to Chuck forever!?) and bawled my eyes out watched in horror as MTV is wrapping up putting The Hills out of it’s misery, one week at a time.

And I know I’m going to be extra cranky as I face three months without Serena’s gravity defying boobs and Miss Blair’s scheming ways.  I feel so abandoned.  What’s that you say?  Retail therapy?  Good thing Victoria’s Secret has a sale!  Also:

-To make room for your new cute things, I suggest you clean out your old tees by making them into stylish and fun bracelets.  You might as well jump-start your reputation as a poolside trendsetter.

-Thinking of transferring schools over the summer?  Have Harvard dreams?  This is how one guy faked his way in. Read More »

I’d like to start this final GG recap by saying that I am lucky to be alive. Last night’s episode was total dramz from start to finish and not only was my heart racing, but at one point (involving a certain Humphrey and a super special Bass) I accidentally inhaled part of a cookie and had to pause the TV while I choked on it. My life flashed before my eyes and I promised God I’d never eat a sleeve of Chips Ahoy while watching TV again. When that chunky chocolate cookie chunk finally passed, I kept my promise. (The crunching was making it hard to hear the show, anyway.)

WHAT. A. FINALE.

Holy hell, the hits just kept on coming. First we discover Dan and Serena did a little lip-locking, then Jenny sells out her own bro in some evil plot to get Nate to love her perhaps we should send her a copy of “He’s Just Not That Into You”?), then Blair finds Jenny in Brooklyn and does probably the meanest thing she’s ever done.

“Nate loves Serena, Dan loves Vanessa, Chuck loves me, but you, no one loves you.” (Or something like that. I was too busy guffawing to really write the quote down.) Read More »