Close your legs, woman!

Let me get this straight. Juliet has been terrorizing the Upper East Side in her outlet mall dresses for months because Lily WhateverHerLastNameIs wanted Serena to get into a good high school? SERIOUSLY?

For a minute there I thought the whole Juliet saga was merely a way to provide more opportunities for Bing and RentTheRunway product placements, but that’s just silly! High school…now it’s all making so much more sense.

And to think, I used to get mad at my mom for making me clean my room before the cleaning ladies came over. (But really, why should I have to clean my room if we’re paying someone to do it?!) Lily definitely outdid her. Sending someone to jail so her daughter could have a good high school education and go on to do great things? Obviously that’s some good mothering. If only that plan didn’t totally backfire, right Lil? First Serena opts out of college for a year to do PR, then she sleeps with a married man who happens to be her ex-boyfriend’s cousin, and then she ends up in The Ostroff Center (where they might as well have a van der Woodsen special) in a necklace that could easily double as a weapon.

Brava, Lily! You really care about your children! They should honor you with the “Worse Than Dina Lohan” award!

I think the most disturbing thing about all of this is not that the relationship between Serena and Ben was totally cliche and rather uncomfortable (flirting, getting caught in the rain, “You’re not gonna quote your way out of this one,” batting eyelashes) or that Damien – a too cool for school drug dealer – used to be a total loser, but that Lily has no remorse. The woman falsely accused a man of statutory rape and put him in jail and she still insists she did the right thing and pleads with her family to see it that way.

I used to like Lily. Sure, she wasn’t the best wife, having cheated on Bart Bass the night he died and all, but she always seemed to be the most grounded mother on the show. And she’s also always had impeccable taste in accessories. Love or hate her, the bitch knows her diamonds. But how can you stand by a woman – ridonkulous earrings or not -  who is so clearly delusional that she’d lie to a judge and cross Chuck Bass?

Hello, Ostroff Center? I’ve got another one for ya!

Does she understand what that boy is capable of? What he does to people who wrong him? What his beautiful little face looks like when he’s sad? Is she suffering a stroke or DOES THIS WOMAN HAVE NO HEART?! She does NOT deserve Rufus’s waffles. Not even the leftover ones that inevitably exist every time he makes them and no one eats them. You hear that, Lily? YOU HEAR THAT?!

Look, I’m all about doing what is right for your family but I tend to draw the line at perjuring myself and incarcerating an innocent and pretty adorable man. (Not that it’s ever come down to that. Although I did once throw a pencil at a girl who was being mean to my brother….)  The problem here is that even after discovering that nothing ever did happen between Serena and Ben and getting Rufus’s famous look of disappointment (and general dishevelment), Lily still thinks she did no wrong.

I can’t believe I waited 3 months for this sh*t.

Of course, Lily’s transgressions and terrible decision making skills aren’t the biggest issue facing us Gossip Girl viewers. And no I’m not talking about the lack of new episodes in the pipeline or the fact that Blair had very few memorable quotes last night. I’m talking about the storylines. Are we going to have to endure more Damien now that he’s back in the picture? And are Juliet and her Bump-Its going to be sticking around now that Serena has been vindicated? And what about Serena and Ben?

For the love of god, please don’t tell me they are going to start having conjugal visits. Please.

Until next time…whenever that is.

XOXO,
GGRG
(Gossip Girl Recap Girl)

But we finally reached the climax and despite my expectations that it just wouldn’t happen (and I’d have to channel my inner Meg Ryan a la ‘When Harry Met Sally’), we had a toe curling, fireworks extravaganza last night that left me jonesing for a cigarette. (Not that I smoke, but it just seemed appropriate after that hot, hot Blair/Chuck sexy sesh. DAYUMMM.)

I knew Serena was going down, but whew, girl didn’t even get a chance to go down with a fight!  Like they say on the Upper East Side, the possibilities are endless.

Since we are on the precipice of one of my favorite holidays of the year (Thanksgiving!), I thought it would only be appropriate to create the perfect recipe for every Gossip Girl episode.  Even though this particular Monday evening run had a few more twists, turns and ingriedents than normal, I feel like I’ve seen all of this before.  So here we go, let’s cook up some GG casserole, shall we?

A Spoonful of Lily Trying to Fix Serena’s Reputation By Writing a Check
Poor Serena, the scheming efforts of Team Brooklyn have led S’s flesh and blood mother to assume the worst. And weird, Lily is stuck writing another check to buy Serena a mended reputation. Well, pshh, that’s never happened before.

Two Teaspoons of Blair Trying to be an Empowering Women
Since Mr. Chuck isn’t a blurter and meant what he said when he let intense sexual pleasures dull his senses thus voicing the three one-syllable words, Blair and Chuck announce they are back together. Well, they’re forced to announce it when Serena’s Doppelganger exposes them, but whatev. It happened. Unfortunately for Chuck (and every single viewer who has only hung on this season because of those two) it didn’t last long. Blair wants to be her own woman. You know, like Hillary Clinton, but with better hair. “I have to be Blair Waldorf before I’m Chuck Bass’ girlfriend.” Awww.

Can you guys still have brainstorming sessions while in bed, please?  That is a beautiful relationship.  Nothing’s wrong with a lobster pot pie between friends! And since when was there an episode without it?

Crack an Egg and Mix it With in Someone’s Jealousy Problem with Serena
I don’t care what it is, someone is always jealous of S.  In this case, it’s me (I just want her freaking wardrobe, OK?), Juliet and the two Brooklyn b*tches. These girls want everyone against Serena so she can finally feel like an outsider like them.  So go ahead, Juliet – steal Serena’s Sim Card and continue to spend your days trying to ruin her life and pull her out of Columbia.  We get it, you weren’t born (in 1965) with a silver spoon in your mouth. But just know, you aren’t the first person to try to do this and you definitely won’t be the last. With that hair, that beauty, that body, and all that money, there’s always someone trying to steal Serena’s thunder. Wouldn’t be a tasty GG pie without it.

Sprinkle in Some Man Competition Between Lonely Boy and Golden Boy
These dudes have been competing for S since day one. Blah blah blah but they’re still friends blah blah blah. Blah blah blah let the best man win blah blah blah.  Nate wins. Blah blah blah. Dan wins. This is the ongoing love triangle and without it, what would Gossip Girl do with all her live video?? (The bigger question is, how does no one notice when someone is shooting live video of them?)

Let Ingredients Set for Three Hours and Go Shopping
Because Ducks and Dorota don’t compare to the Zen of shopping, right S?  When isn’t someone buying a new couture dress on Gossip Girl?

Add One Cup of Nate Saying Someone Thick
Like, “That doesn’t mean I love you, that means I love having sex with you.”

Mix All Current Ingredients With a Party in a Hotel
It wouldn’t be the perfect Gossip Girl without mixing together all of our lovely ingredients with a creative party at an expensive hotel.  Seriously, this is where the good shiz goes down.  Like figuring out what Little J looks like without all that eyeliner, who’s a saint or a sinner, a liar or a loyal friend, a good kisser or a bad kisser.  Hey J, don’t accidently kiss Lonely Boy!  No joke, I was nervous for a moment there and after the season we’ve had, I was pretty sure the GG writing team was going to let that happen.

Let Bake
Cook that freaky dish until it comes out with Serena’s life ruined, the entire Upper East Side against her, Nate and Dan besties with testies, Vanessa showing zero initiative, and Lily continuing to slam Rufus’ cooking.

Pleasant dreams sweet angels.

Until next time (in 2 [!!] weeks),
XOXO
GGRG
(Gossip Girl Recap Girl)

I want to be that robe. Or that cookie. Or that duvet.

Like most people, after seeing the commercials for Gossip Girl promising loads of Blair and Chuck hate sex, I was beyond excited. While I usually DVR the episode and watch it later in the evening to avoid those pesky commercial breaks, I couldn’t stand to wait another minute so I <gasp> watched it live (with many of you!).

….and I was more disappointed than that time I hooked up with my high school crush and he kept saying “baseball, baseball, baseball” for the duration of the (3 minute) dalliance.

I don’t know what those Gossip Girl writers are smoking over there at CW HQ but it must be laced with something bad because this show has turned into the worst piece of crap in TV history. Seriously, I think I’d rather watch a Hoarders marathon than this dribble. This episode just makes me so angry. When it finally ended and I finished picking popcorn kernels out of my teeth, I hated everyone. Everyone! (Especially Orville Redenbacher.)

Rufus:
There are starving children in Africa. Must you waste so many waffles when it’s just you and Dan eating breakfast?

Serena:
I’m pretty sure the song “Quit Playing Games With My Heart” was written with Serena van der Woodsen in mind. I mean, the girl manages to string along every single guy on the Upper East Side. I know, she’s freaking gorgeous and can make anything, even a dress that is missing the front part of the skirt, look good, but what is it about her that has guys quitting their jobs or hopping in cabs from Brooklyn to kiss their step-sibling?!

MAKE UP YOUR MIND, Serena. I’m getting really sick of you juggling all these incredibly good looking men. And if you really love Dan, then having Nate show up on the sidewalk shouldn’t change that. Grrrr.

Nate:
Could there be anyone on this planet who is more gullible and dense than Nathanial Archibald? It’s infuriating. How many times does Cougar Juliet have to get caught in a lie before you finally kick that biznatch to the curb, Nate? Like the wise President Bush once said: “Fool me once shame on….you. You fool me you can’t get fooled again.” Or something like that.

Juliet:
I resent the fact that shopping at outlet malls and having Ikea furniture in your 5th floor walk-up is something to be ashamed of [says the girl sitting at an Ikea desk on an Ikea chair wearing sweats from the Old Navy outlet]. Also, stop letting other people control you and learn to stand on your own two feet, woman. Oh, and please explain to me how you can just constantly call your brother in jail. Aren’t there rules against that?

Vanessa:
What did Jessica Szohr do to the writers that made them hate her so much to give her the worst character of all time? I used to like V back in the day when she was a little Brooklyn hipstery thing trying to save the world. But much like her most recent hair-do, revenge and scheming do not look good on her. Especially when it’s for such a dumb reason. “I’ve been losing to Serena for 3 years, watching her get away with everything and anything and I’m over it.” Is she really so pathetic that she’ll go to such great lengths, sneak into the ballet and totally isolate herself from the 5 people she knows in NYC just to get Serena back for being so damn perfect? I get it, I hate Serena too, but this little inferiority complex is embarrassing and if she doesn’t get it in line soon, I fear we’ll have a little drug addiction on our hands soon.

…but then maybe she’ll go to rehab?

Dan:
Serena is your step-sister. If that’s not enough to get you to wake up and smell the girl who is going to break your heart again, well, godspeed. (P.S. Telling her a man should quit his job to be with her? What world do you live in?)

Chuck and Blair:
OK, so I can’t hate these two, no matter how hard I try. All that hate/love sex. All those pastries in the bathtub. That purple velvet robe. It’s these two (and possibly Dorota) that are going to make me come back and watch more sh*t go down next week.

Get them back together or I’m out, GG. There are plenty other crappy shows, like Real World/Road Rules 47,  I can watch on Monday nights.

XOXO,
GGRG
(Gossip Girl Recap Girl)

OH THE HORROR.

Speaking of horror, can we talk about this week’s episode of Gossip Girl? Wait, of course we can, that’s why you’re here, right? I mean, it’s been two weeks since the last installment, so you can pretty much say I’m STILL hyperventilating from all that goodness.  The CW Network was so right – waiting for next week’s episode is going to make me very uncomfortable. Even if I plan on being drunk in a tutu for 72 hours straight this week.

But back to last night.  First of all, let’s state the obvious, shall we?  Little J is back with her atrocious uni-braided horse’s mane …. and I couldn’t be more happy about it.

Welcome back, Jenny Humphrey! I’ve missed you more than I miss my 3rd grade metabolism.
OK, almost.

The little blonde freakshow truly lit up this episode and made quite a scene both in Blair’s “Chuck nightmare” and real life.  Speaking of nightmares, since it’s getting so close to Halloween (and since this episode was such a hot mess of amazingness), I thought it would be a great idea to to highlight the Upper East Side elites’ all-time worst nightmares, one richy rich kid at a time. 

Serena
Her Psychology of Business Prof./Her Roots
They say waking up is hard to do, especially when wake up after spending an entire night shooting the shiz with your professor and need a major root touch up.  Seriously Serena, fix those things!  Anyway, why is Serena’s prof her worst nightmare? Well, he’s in cahoots with our nightmare, Juliet.  Unfortunately, Colin’s “You’re not one of my conquests because you refused to be conquered” line wins Serena over.  Lily’s comment (and reverse psychology) about Serena’s good looks conflicting with her education will pump the breaks on this relationship momentarily, but we all know it’s only a matter of time until Serena does something stupid and everyone is somehow worse off because of it.

And we all know whether Colin was a bad guy or not.

Nate
Juliet/Her Broskie, Ben
Oh weird, Juliet is being super sketch-tasticle again.  Poor Nate.  Not because he’s being played by Juliet, but because he’s too love sick to figure it out. (He did always have a thing for cougars…)  And because his ignorance led to his own father getting jumped in jail by Juliet’s shady brother Ben, who used a dictionary for some batting practice against the poor guy’s face. Oh, and then old lady Juliet broke up with Nate at the end of the episode. Bummer.

Dan
Chuck
OK, the “Daniel, that seems dramatic.  You should be a writer,” was just too good of a low blow to pass up.

Jenny
Blair/Herself/Her Uni-Braid
Obviously, I will go ahead and say Blair has a starring and recurring role in Jenny Humphrey’s nightmares.  Good lord, as Jenny so eloquently stated (from behind that rat’s nest on her head), Blair is the wicked witch of the Upper East side. Sure, Jenny sorta provoked her by sleeping with Chuck and all, but ruining her meeting with the one and only Tim Gunn by painting the word “WHORE” on Jenni’s boring innovative line? That’s a low blow, even for Blair Waldorf.

But even Blair isn’t Jenny’s worst nightmare. That award might actually go to Jenny herself. (Editor’s Note: Weird. She’s my worst nightmare too!)

In Jenny’s attempt not to go back to her old conniving ways, she tries to follow the day pass rules Blair gives her but ultimately fails (miserably) when she is invited by Chuck to the Observer party and breaks some pretty serious news on Gossip Girl. We’ll get to that in a second.  But for now, it looks like in a personal struggle to find herself, Jenny can’t seem to kick her UES habits of backstabbing, cheating, and getting revenge. She’s become Blair….and that’s her worst nightmare.

Though we all know it should be that ‘do. Seriously, girl, ignoring the fact that it looks like a horse tail, the color is just all wrong for your skin tone. Get it together, Humphrey!

Blair
Chuck/Jenny

At first I wanted to say Blair’s worst nightmare was most definitely Chuck.  After all, he’s the one who got Jenny her “interview” with Tim Gunn and invited her to the Observer event to ruin Blair’s life.  But, like most GG episodes, the producers threw us a curve ball and it hit us in the face.  Jenny’s confession about losing her virginity to Chuck fooled us all. Looks like the joke is on Chuck and Blair, and J’s got the last laugh (insert evil giggle).

Chuck
Blair/Jenny

While Chuck receives pleasure from Blair’s pain, he eventually figures out what it’s like when the tables are turned.  The surprise blast on Gossip Girl about Jenny losing her V-Card to Chuck himself causes Chuck to wave the white flag and request a truce with Blair. (By the way, this part in the episode and the Eminem/Rihanna parody made me want to cry. And only partly because Blair was wearing some atrocious pajama outfit with high heeled slippers.)  It. Was. Epic. A truce between the biggest hellions on the show? Who happen to be former lovers? Who still seem to love each other long time?

We’ll see how this shakes out, because you know what they say: if you want peace, always be prepared for war.  It’s just a matter of time before the mutual destruction of Blair and Chuck. Who knew Little J was going to be the skanky ho to point that out!?

Lily: Rufus’ Chili

Because the smell of that creation lingers, people.

Alright disciples, it’s time to finish up the homework you’ve been procrastinating.  Come on, Blair said it herself – this isn’t congress, accomplish something!

XOXO,
GGRG
(Gossip Girl Recap Girl)

Do Columbia students not carry books?

Have you ever been so excited for something – counting down the minutes, planning your day around it, fantasizing about how amazingly awesome it is going to be, turning off your cell phone so you won’t be interrupted – only to be totally disappointed? Yeah, welcome to the day I lost my virginity my Monday night.

So thanks for nothing, Gossip Girl.

After Chuck’s brazen (and dare I say super sexy) declaration of war during last week’s episode, I was chomping at the bit to see how things would go down. As each day passed, I got more and more excited for my Monday night date with Chuck and the rest of the UES crew. I had dreams (that are too inappropriate to divulge here) about me, Chuck and his private plane. I had visions of a Chuck and Blair reunion. I wrote aggressive emails to the GG writing staff to push Juliet out of a window at the top of the Empire….

And then, 60 boring minutes and a bag of pretzel M&Ms later, I was bitter and angry…and really thirsty (seriously, what is it with those M&Ms?). What was it that was getting my granny panties in a bunch?

Dan and Vanessa Fight:
SHOCKER! It’s been, what, 10 minutes and they’re already having another relationship-altering altercation? About Serena?! And Rufus is trying to give advice? NO. NO WAY. SAY IT AIN’T SO! THIS COUPLE NEVER FIGHTS!

OK so, yes, this one was a bit more exciting because it wasn’t about some boring NYU writing program or an illegitimate child. And it was the result of some serious scheming on Juliet’s part. But still. It’s another fight. And another break up. And…zzzzzzz.

Chuck and Blair Battle:
I’ll admit, seeing Chuck’s sexy evil face was the highlight of my night. And his whole “I’m not trying to make a point, Blair. This is just a warm up. Whatever you want, wherever you want it, I’m going to be there to take it away from you. I wont stop until you have nothing” speech was sexy as hell. But Blair trying to impress a feminist professor by SETTING HER UP ON A DATE WITH A MAN? And Chuck swapping out that man for a lesbian with a great scarf?

Really? That’s the best you people can do? This is Chuck Effing Bass and Blair Waldorf (creator of ‘Blair Waldorfing’)! To say I’m disappointed in both of their performances is like saying that I only kinda like Dorota. Yeah, major understatement.

Serena has an STD:
First, what a lame ass GG rumor. Second, was this an episode of Gossip Girl or an after-school special about safe sex? (Or an add for Tiffany and Co.’s key collection?) And, on a completely unrelated note, this is New York City; how hard is it for Serena to hail another cab when that man-whore keeps stealing hers every morning?!

Every Girl in NY is More Pathetic Than The Other:
Blair’s minion is willing to turn on her and sell her out to Chuck Bass. Vanessa doesn’t trust her boyfriend, no matter how many times he explains himself, so she agrees to steal Serena’s phone to snoop. Some Columbia professor (who is allegedly a feminist) is willing to accept bribes (in the form of single and rich men) in exchange for a student assistant position. Nate falls for Juliet’s lies every. single. time.

Oh, right. Nate’s not a girl. Although you wouldn’t know it – the guy is such a naive wuss.

It’s enough to make you throw your cell phone. And since I’m on my third iPhone this year, I’m glad mine wasn’t within grabbing/chucking distance. Honestly, the only 30 seconds of last night’s Gossip Girl that was worth watching was the scenes for next week. Did you see it?

The thick, black eyeliner?
The long, straggly hair?
The sourpuss look?

That’s right, kids – J Humph (and the dramz) is BACK. And if that’s not enough, she’s bringing the big guns (like TIM GUNN) with her.

Let’s just hope she also brings Gossip Girl back to it’s former glory. I never thought I’d say this, but I miss the girl.

"I am being an evil biznatch because I still love you and am too proud to admit it."

I was way excited to dig into this week’s Gossip Girl.  Did Juliet finally get Botox and a new wardrobe so she could at least appear five years younger?  Is that french fairy, Eva, going to touch Chuck with her magic wand?  Is Dan going to get the sensation of baby poop out of his nostrils?  How can Eva tell time through all that Cartier sparkly?  Will Serena die refreshing the pages of Gossip Girl?

We have all the answers right here, in your favorite GG recap.

Along with the juicy deets, I thought I would shake things up a little bit (rawr, I’m scandolous.)  Today, in the fashion of Joan Rivers after every. single. award show, I’m breaking down last night’s episode to Bests and Worsts. Because any fan of Gossip Girl knows that as soon as something starts looking great for someone on the UES (or, these days, UWS), it’s not long before it takes a turn for the way, way worse.  Charles Dickens said it himself, people: “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…”

Best/Worst Transformation: Chuck Bass
Because Eva truly fell in love with Chuck when he was Henry, Chuck is a brand new man.  How could he not want to be one, when he’s dating someone who looks as fragile as a 12-year-old?  I don’t know anything else (besides actually being a father) that would inspire someone want to be a better person quite like this. But it doesn’t last long. (Editor’s Note: Ugh, in my eyes, good Chuck lasted an entire episode too long.) Blair’s EVIL scheming eventually leads Chuck to a non-exsistant Eva Foundation with 5 million dollars to spend on stray puppies or something, which outrages Chuck and returns him to his old, vengeful self.

Operation transformation: aborted.
(However, yay for evil Chuck! Missed you, lover.)

Best/Worst Revelation: Eva
Anndddd surprise! Eva has a prostitute past!  Bet you didn’t see that one coming; even Blair had no idea! And this shiz is legit; she’s even on a webpage… with a price list! And she didn’t even cringe when a homeless guy licked her arm, which makes it even more legit. Chuck didn’t seem to mind (lord knows it wasn’t the first hooker he’d hooked), but it did eventually lead to some trust issues, a big blowout at Chuck’s gala and a swift exit.  Bon voyage, Mademoiselle!

Best/Worst Schemer: Blair ‘We need to take that tart down’ Waldorf
Blair gets right down to Blairwaldorfing business in attempts to ruin Chuck and Eva’s surprisingly perfect relationship and, so she says, save Chuck.  Blair even admits to Eva, “You should have known him [Chuck] before he was shot, he sold me for a hotel.” Low blow, woman. Low blow.

Eventually, it begins to work, when Blair finds out about Eva’s prosty past and claims Ms. Perfect truly did know who Chuck Bass was when Blair found his passport in her suitcase.  However, Blair’s plan backfires when Chuck finds out Eva didn’t have the passport and ‘B’ really does stand for betrayal.  Then – like that – Chuck’s fairy has left the country and old Chuck, bad Chuck, new Chuck, good Chuck, bad Chuck. Get all that?

Looks like Blair’s scheming abilities have led to a good ol’ fashioned Blair/Chuck WWII. (And I can’t contain my excitement….)

Best/Worst Dressed: Serena
Serena’s red dress at the Gala? Win. That weird little side braid thing? Well, I get why she ended up alone with Blair crying into her lap that night.

Best/Worst Compulsive Liar: Juliet
Alright, this biotch is just plain sketch.  And Nate isn’t helping our case; he will believe anything she says (like the fact that she’s in college….). Nate, I know you have a lot of skeletons in your Archibald closets (and lots of big closets), but can you get a clue already!? Thank god we’re not all as dense and dumb as Nate Archibald (seriously, how did he get into Columbia??). That Juliet doesn’t fool me!  I know her little secrets: She’s really forty, her “brother” Ben is her secret lover and she has the freakiest vendetta against Serena van der Woodsen I’ve ever seen. This is the makings for a Law and Order ep. Maybe even SVU.

Best/Worst Detective: Dan
First, can I just say that Dan’s military haircut ain’t lookin supa fly.  Sorry dude – I liked your look better when you were changing Milo’s diapers. Anyway, since Dan’s mad browsing skills led him to Googling ‘brothal’ and revealing Eva’s prostituting days, he was a momentarily hero (in Blair’s eyes).  But Dan is not his best personal detective.  He nearly ruined his relationship with Vanessa in attempts to mend things with Serena.  Thank God V has nowhere else to live….otherwise, you woulda lost her, too, brah.

Best/Worst Leave of Absense: Little J
Actually, just best. There is nothing (worse) about Jenny Humphrey keeping her straggly little legs and angry eyeliner out of the Upper East Side and my HD CW Network.

Best/Worst Upgrade: Gossip Girl Live Feed
Gossip Girl has taken a fierce dive into the 21st Century! They are finally using a live (video!) mini-feed on the website!  Kudos GG, I was getting tired of those (extremely teeny) cellphone pictures on your site.  However, the new livefeed is keeping everyone too occupied. Nate, Serena and Blair can’t seem to drop it. I smell cellphone sex tapes in the future….

Until next time,

XOXO,
GGRG (Gossip Girl Recap Girl)

"What do you mean, 'I look like Wilma Flinstone??'"

First of all, who else wants to squint and lip sync “XOXO GOSSIP GIRL” whenever the episode comes to an end?  I know I do, every single time.  Anyway, down to business.  Clearly whoever pitched this inning of GG had a seriously mean side arm.  Between Serena and Dorota’s camera skills, I could barely keep up!

The episode started off stressful enough because Gossip Girl was down (we don’t dig the silent treatment, GG!).  Meanwhile Serena and Blair play besties, milling around Columbia’s rainy campus – Serena way overdressed and Blair way over leoparded – and waltzing into The Hamilton House for a key.  Lucky for Serena, Juliet (her favorite conniving 27-year-old-trying-to-look-like-she’s-19 biznatch) is the key master. She gave Serena one of those “I-just-pooped-sideways” looks and said, “This is why I hate it when best friends come together…” and gives Blair “the only key left.” Oopsie, poopsie.

Later, while B is holding court at the Hamilton House, Juliet milks whatever plan she’s got cookin’ and makes Blair cancel plans with Serena.  This, of course gives Serena the go-ahead to put on her Gucci detective cap.   Thanks to GG’s technological advancements and ability to now stream video, she discovers Blair is lying about her “bubble bath” and really opted to hang out with Juliet.  Come on Serena, didn’t you know Blair hates to disrespect tradition!?  Oh also, (a guilty moment of enjoyment) Serena gets rejected by both Dan and Nate. Don’t worry Serena, you can cry if you want to.

Meanwhile, Rufus breaks it to Dan that “genetics don’t lie, son” and Dan wonders why Georgina isn’t back from her long weekend yet.  Well Dan, I think it has something to do with the mystery love child shackin’ up at your place.  Whatever, Vanessa goes beyond girlfriend duty to help take care of the baby for Dan.

Wait, did I switch over to an episode of Maury?
Oh wait – I see Louboutins. Still watching GG. Moving on….

OK, can we take a break from the dramz to talk about this whole relationship with Chuck and Eva? Adorbs.  She’s so naive and adorable with that accent, I just want to pinch her cheeks!  And when Chuck is around her he says things like “If I answered out loud, I’m afraid I’ll have to leave the store” when she asks him how the designer dress looks on her little European body.  This is also right before he buys it for her. All together now: awwww I want that dress love it!

I have to say the best scene of the show, though, was the next one, where Blair completely rips Eva a new one in the store after Chuck floats out (in total man-candy manner.)  In this verbal bitch slap, Blair triumphantly tells Eva she may want to accessorize with gloves because, “Not even a manicure could mask those peasant hands.” Rawr.  It’s OK, people – no need to worry about the poor and vulnerable Eva.  Chuck sweet talks her later before buttoning up his red nightie and sleeping with her in those 750 thread-count sheets.

Finally, detective Serena confronts Blair about Juliet’s “conspiracy” the next day under a clear umbrella.  In full form, Blair keeps the claws out and hisses, “This isn’t a conspiracy. Hamilton House just didn’t want you.” Ouch. Serena: 0, Blair: 2.  Serena hikes up her skirt and tries to prove a point to Juliet, but Juliet shuts it down by blaming Blair for Serena’s keyless undergrad experience: “Did you ever think Blair was going to let you steal her spotlight?” Boom, roasted. Serena: 0. Juliet: 80 (she gets an extra 79 points for making out with Nate at the end of the episode/fooling people into thinking she’s of college age).

Then, things get totally crazy/unrealistic.

Serena is heated at Blair for stealing her key so she storms into Fashion’s Night Out with perfect boobs in a perfect dress that doesn’t manage to get all dirty dragging on the NYC sidewalks.  All of the Hamilton ladies get all “prepare your cellphones ladies, it’s gonna be a Blair/Serena showdown” and Juliet just happens to find a plug behind the random TVs in the room to project the fight to the entire room. And then she pulls back the zebra curtain where she just happens to know Blair and Serena are fighting a mere 3 feet away.

But joke’s on you, Juliet!  S and B have discovered the joys of film-making!  Yep, they staged a scene (shout out to Dorota!) and wiped that sourpuss look right off of Juliet’s face.  Unfortunately for Juliet, sisterhood is alive and well in the Upper East side and (surprise!) the board members of the Hamilton House are also board members at Bass industries. I mean, of course they are. NYC is a teeny, tiny town.

B and S do a little UES high five and celebrate their victory. Only one person did not find S and B’s joke on Juliet charming.  And that person is Nate Archibald.  He screams some gibberish in Serena’s face and walks off to make out with Juliet.  In other news, Chuck fixes things with Eva with a few eyebrow raises and a discussion about who he really is (Chuck Bass, duh) and they make out in front of Blair.

This is where Blair utters the two best lines in the show:

“One taste of caviar – it baffles me how they [Nate and Chuck] settle for catfish.”
“I thought the only thing Nate got upset about was a badly rolled joint.”

Kudos, girlfriend.  Nothing makes a happy ending better than Blair sass.

Hmmm, I think that’s it but I feel like I’m forgetting something. OH, that’s right – Georgina comes back.  And she tells Dan someones trying to kill her because she slept with a guy in an airplane and now his wife is out to get her.  Soooo, (deep breath) she lied to Dan that Milo was his Cabbage Patch so she could show the psycho wife it’s not her hubby’s baby.  And it case that doesn’t leave you totally stumped, Juliet has a chat with some rando dude in jail in the last scene.  Her famous last words? “Don’t worry, we’ll get it finished.  Just work on not getting killed and butt raped.”

I guess you can say I have that “sideways poop” look on my face right now too.
Who is this old lady?!

You know you love me,

XOXO
-GGRG

(Gossip Girl Recap Girl)

"Oh hey, mom! Yeah, I'm jst having breakfast in my shoulder pads and '90s prom updo!"

Only on Gossip Girl can the episode begin with two beautifully (albeit overdressed) designer clad ladies eating crumpets at a spicy cafe in Paris while discussing Blair’s future date with Louis, whom is (naturally) a Prince.  I’m serious, the Disney Channel couldn’t make this sh*t up. And only on Gossip Girl can that beautiful moment be interrupted by a call from Serena’s mom to scurry on over to the morgue to identify a body that is presumably her former step-brother’s.

Yes, while sporting those chrome shoulder pads…and that squirrel that was residing on the back of her head.  I fully understand it was her hair, but let’s all agree that Serena is lucky she’s so gorge. That sorta business wouldn’t fly on just anyone…especially yours truly.

Whew, let’s dive right in, shall we? After four (long, cold, desolate) months of trying to figure out what happened after Chuck risked his entire life to save Miss Blair’s monstrous rock, Gossip Girl is in full force and here with all the answers.  No need to worry, my minions – Jenny (and her split ends/leggings/eye liner) did not appear on this episode. Rejoice!

OK. Here goes…

While Serena is going to the morgue – “What is that a strip club?” (Quote, unquote. Blair Waldorf, ladies and gentleman) – Nate is back at home in New York sipping coffee with Juliet, a sketchy girl he met in a restaurant.  Juliet is refreshingly charming at first but we all know that’s a surefire sign of a complete nut case. Well, everyone but Nate knows that.

See, Juliet seems to be brewing a screw-Serena-and-Nate-over stew and it’s starting to smell like victory.

Case A: She secretly knows everything about Nate and Serena. Hello, she keeps a bulletin board completely dedicated to Gossip Girl cutouts of the two. (Editor’s Note: Wait, is that not normal?) Call me crazy, but if that doesn’t raise her freak flag, I don’t know what will. (Editor’s Note: Oh….)

Case B: Juliet convinces Nate she should be his ‘life coach’ and she can finally help him win Serena’s recent affections for Dan.  Ugh, does Serena have to be the instigator for everything? Is she what John Mayer would describe as sexual napalm?!

Case C: She tells Vanessa the Baby Whisperer that Dan really has feelings for her so they can “take Dan out of the question using Vanessa” and give Nate a better chance to hone in on Serena and get her back.  Which doesn’t make any sense because doesn’t Juliet like Nate?  Then, to top it off, Dan and Vanessa end up hooking up because Dan tries to apologize and she makes him shut up because, “You don’t need to tell me, Nate already did.”  Then, Dan gets mad at Nate for telling Vanessa he had feelings for her when he really has feelings for Serena, right??

Did you get all that?

Oh. My. Lanta, I feel like I just ran a marathon.  That was a lot of information.  Take a minute to absorb. Eat a cookie. Eat a few more. OK, let’s get back to business.

SO, Dan and Nate have a bro-chat (with manly beer and hot cargo shorts, might I add) and talk Serena.  Want a summary of their conversation? Here it is: “Serena gets back tomorrow… what are we going to do?” Aaaand, end scene! I’m serious, that is about it.  True to nut case fashion, Juliet apologizes to Nate for intruding on him and his bud Danny-Doo and suddenly Nate has a hard-on for Juliet.  And just like she planned, Dan goes back to Vanessa and they kiss and make up.  Nothin an ol’ bro-versation won’t do!

Meanwhile, in Paris-town Blair is trying to feel all sparkly with Louis as he decks her wardrobe and brings her to a ball.  While Detective Serena is trying to find what Henry…er… I mean Chuck is up to with his ‘Dew vee need shots? Vhat dew vee pack?’ new woman, Blair finds carats, clarity and charisma in a jewelery shop that turns out…. houses the ring Chuck Bass owns!  Ugh, Paris is so complicated and beautiful.

So while Chuck is busy limping around Paris reinventing himself, Serena tries to convince Blair that she is the only one who can convince him to come back to New York and not completely give up his Empire to Serena’s mother. Which, would be really awful – duh.   Naturally, Blair rushes after him in a red dress that made my heart stop and they exchange a few, “I’d rather have nothing than be Chuck Bass…You can’t turn your back on who you really are…It wouldn’t be my world without you in its…” and BOOM, Blair is over Chuck and Chuck is flying his lover with him to New York.

“Don’t vee need teekets?” Chuck’s lover pleaded.
“We don’t need tickets. I’m Chuck Bass.”

Seriously, I’m dying.  This line wins the ‘Best Line in the History of Gossip Girl.’  In fact, what is up with all the Emmy slights every year? Have you heard what these people are saying, Academy?! It’s truly stunning. Kudos to you, Gossip Girl screenwriters! (Especially for writing J. Humph out for awhile. High fives!)

Blair on the other hand? She breaks up with her Prince, claiming she can’t live a fairytale.  She exits in true Miss Blair fashion, handing Louis her black pump and closing with, “It’s worth helluva lot more than a glass slipper.”  Oh Blair, you’ve always been one for fairytale endings.

OH and it turns out Milo (Dan’s “love child” with Georgina) has O-negative blood type.  You know what that means, little scientists? I’ll let you Wiki that and get back to me.

Until then, this poll is closed.

You know you love me.
XOXO,

—GGRG
(Gossip Girl Recap Girl)

As you bid adieu to roommates, campus bartenders, and that guy you may or may not have hooked up with last weekend (still waiting for photo evidence), I said goodbye to my favorite Upper East Siders on Gossip Girl (am I saying goodbye to Chuck forever!?) and bawled my eyes out watched in horror as MTV is wrapping up putting The Hills out of it’s misery, one week at a time.

And I know I’m going to be extra cranky as I face three months without Serena’s gravity defying boobs and Miss Blair’s scheming ways.  I feel so abandoned.  What’s that you say?  Retail therapy?  Good thing Victoria’s Secret has a sale!  Also:

-To make room for your new cute things, I suggest you clean out your old tees by making them into stylish and fun bracelets.  You might as well jump-start your reputation as a poolside trendsetter.

-Thinking of transferring schools over the summer?  Have Harvard dreams?  This is how one guy faked his way in.

-If you’re sick of men altogether or thinking of going it alone this season, keep updated on Man Free May.  Think of it as a What to Expect When You’re Not Expecting [Any Action] guide.

-We weigh the pros (there are so many) and the cons of the often complicated relationship we all have with alcohol.

-Turns out being a wino is good for your health!  I propose a toast…

-Start demanding more from your man.  Have something to add to the list?  Leave us a comment!

-For all our graduates: Congratulations!  If you’re feeling a little down about leaving that 10×12 room you’ve called home, we’ve got you covered.  No need to sing the graduation blues alone.

I’d like to start this final GG recap by saying that I am lucky to be alive. Last night’s episode was total dramz from start to finish and not only was my heart racing, but at one point (involving a certain Humphrey and a super special Bass) I accidentally inhaled part of a cookie and had to pause the TV while I choked on it. My life flashed before my eyes and I promised God I’d never eat a sleeve of Chips Ahoy while watching TV again. When that chunky chocolate cookie chunk finally passed, I kept my promise. (The crunching was making it hard to hear the show, anyway.)

WHAT. A. FINALE.

Holy hell, the hits just kept on coming. First we discover Dan and Serena did a little lip-locking, then Jenny sells out her own bro in some evil plot to get Nate to love her perhaps we should send her a copy of “He’s Just Not That Into You”?), then Blair finds Jenny in Brooklyn and does probably the meanest thing she’s ever done.

“Nate loves Serena, Dan loves Vanessa, Chuck loves me, but you, no one loves you.” (Or something like that. I was too busy guffawing to really write the quote down.)

Buuuurn, Jenny.
But we’ll come back to that.

Anyways, Blair realizes she does want to be with Chuck, Dorota goes into labor (I won’t question why the entire UES showed up for that, or why Serena was dressed like a hooker [a gorgeous hooker, mind you] when she did), Blair leaves Dorota and takes Chuck up on his offer to meet at the top of the Empire State Building. In neon green shoes. OK, I get that they were Louboutin but NEON GREEN, Blair? Really?

When she gets to the top, Chuck isn’t there. Cue the tears/sneaking a cookie.

Meanwhile, across town, the biggest, most ridonkulous moment in Gossip Girl history is brewing. Jenny Humphrey and her split ends and Chuck Bass and his glass of scotch sit together on the couch. JENNY HUMPHREY AND CHUCK BASS START KISSING. JENNY HUMPHREY AND CHUCK BASS DO THE DIRTY!!

What. The. F**K? How can it be that anyone can come up with Chuck’s apartment at the hotel without being announced? Jenny did it, Blair did it, Georgina Sparks did it. You’d think homeboy would have more security. But that’s not the point. Back to JENNY AND CHUCK. OMG OMG OMG.

I understand why Chuck did it; he’s Chuck Bass.
I understand why Jenny did it; what Blair said resonated with her, she was lonely and just wanted to be with someone.
I just don’t understand why any of this surprised her. She was losing her virginity to Chuck Bass; was she expecting him to profess his love and invite her to move into the hotel with him?  Was it really finding the ring (the big, perfect, gorgeous ring) that he bought for Blair that made her realize it was just sex?

More importantly, does Jenny have any idea how scary she looks when she’s crying with all that makeup on?

I hate Jenny more than ever now and I can’t wait for her to slum it out in Podunk Town, New York. I’d rather have Georgina and her baby (which I’m sure isn’t Dan’s baby, but is there a real baby in there at all?) than even catch Eric skyping with Jenny. She ruined my perfect Chuck/Blair moment.  She hurt Chuck, the only person who still remotely cared about her. Did you see that look on his face? Yup, the tears started once again. Immediately followed by more cookies.

I think that hurt me more than my own most recent break up. Sad? Probably, but it’s not like I was dating Chuck Bass. It was more like I was dating a Justin Bobby.

And if that wasn’t enough, Chuck gets SHOT? And I’m just supposed to sit with that for four months until the show returns in the fall? Cue the sobs.

Those Gossip Girl writers really know how to pull a finale together. If The Bachelorette wasn’t starting next week, I’d be checking myself into a mental institution right now. Let the countdown to Gossip Girl’s return begin.