Needy. Ugh. That one word can make any guy run for miles, and being labeled as such is every girl’s worst nightmare. It’s funny in the movies; we can all ROTFL when a character leaves a guy seventeen voicemails in a row (“How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days”) or assumes that an invite to a party is a declaration of love (“He’s Just Not That Into You”), but the reason it is so funny is because it’s based in some very real, very painful truth.

But being that needy in real life, is not funny.

The problem is that so many girls in our generation are so terrified that some boy might call them needy that the line between being needy and having respect for oneself has blurred. A friend, let’s call her Laura, currently has those two confused, and she is driving me insane. Laura has been kind of in a thing (i.e. the college version of dating) with this guy, we’ll call him Brad, since some time in April. Brad is, to put it nicely, not the world’s most considerate guy. He’ll make plans with her and bail at the last minute, say he’ll talk to her tomorrow and disappear for a week with no communication, hell, he almost forgot to even say “Happy Birthday!” to her.

It is painful to watch Laura let this guy treat her like that, and we’ve all tried to help her see how poorly he’s treating her on her own. The problem is that she has been a little needy in the past, and she is so terrified of being labeled ‘needy’ again that she won’t even stand up for herself!

The poor girl just doesn’t see the difference between being needy and getting a the respect she deserves.

Needy is expecting to hang out with the person you’re dating all the time.
Needy is being mad that he won’t skip boys’ night to try a new sushi place with you.

Needy is not expecting the guy you’re dating to call when he says he will.
It is not needy to expect him to follow through on what he says he is going to do, or call him out on it if it happens frequently.
It is not needy to want a defined relationship status so you know what’s going on.

There is a gray area somewhere between being WAY too needy and having no self respect, and it is in that area that real, healthy relationships lie. Where there’s some give and take, some compromise and some mutual respect. Laura and Brad are not in that area and I just need to find a way to show her that it exists and that it’s not “needy” to want to be there.

[Got a Dude itch you just can't scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Hey dude,
So I met a guy at a party three weeks ago and that night we just danced and kissed a little.  He seemed really sweet and asked me to go to lunch the next day, but I was unfortunately working so I just gave him my number and said he should text or call me…which he did…like fifteen minutes after we left the party.  Nothing too clingy, just really cute.

The next weekend he came over and stayed overnight.  He said he wanted to wait to have sex because we didn’t know each other that well so we talked/fooled around all night.  The next morning he wished me a happy Valentine’s day and said all kinds of sweet things.

We didn’t talk much during the week but he came over the next weekend and we hooked up, just fooling around at night then had sex in the morning.  He left being all cute and stuff, saying nice things again.

I asked him to come over this weekend but he said he was too drunk and I got a little upset and may have texted him quite a few more times.  Now I’m worried he thinks I’m stage-five clinger, but I actually really like him.  What can I do to reverse stage-five clinger situation?

Sincerely,
Cling-erella

Dear Cling-erella,

Ah, Wedding Crashers, you’ve contributed so many wonderful assets to our culture: the motor boat, Isla Fisher, Vince Vaughn’s last great performance, eerie foreshadowing of Owen Wilson’s suicide attempt, and the infamous stage-five clinger. Stage-five clingers, according to the book of Crashers are to be avoided like the Black Plague. However, could the clinger herself be cured of her affliction? That really depends if the diagnosis is correct in the first place.

The person who decides if you’re a clingers isn’t the clinger but the clung to. The problem with self-diagnoses is the lack of objectivity. This is why psychology students automatically proclaim they have 8 different mood disorders as soon as they read their textbook. Most of them don’t and the one who does becomes the next Hunter S. Thompson. The scary part in your situation is that you could become a victim of a self-fulfilling prophecy. You think you are a clinger and therefore you become a clinger. STOP THINKING!

One of the most unattractive qualities to either gender is lack of confidence (not a groundbreaking thought but probably a priori knowledge [if you don’t know the term “a priori” then you should have taken your 11^th grade philosophy course]). You’ve got to believe in yourself! You can’t define your worth by whether or not the guy is returning your phone calls or takes a weekend off from hooking up with you. In the grand scheme of things it’s just one night off from getting off, odds are you’ll have a ton more opportunities – IF YOU DON’T BLOW EVERYTHING OUT OF PROPORTION!

You have to approach this situation on two fronts: attitude and action. First of all, stop calling yourself a clinger if he hasn’t actually said you’re giving him a stalker vibe. Secondly, pump the brakes a bit and take a few days off from texting/calling. This simple step, once taken, will alleviate any possible fears of his and the ones you’ve overloaded your brain with. The truth is, sometimes we guys get too drunk to function and finding our way over to someone’s house (where we’d most likely pass out or ruin your carpet within the first minutes of being there) is an impossible task. Trust me, in the morning we usually regret not having gone over.

Stop defining yourself by whether or not this guy came over for one night out of the 365. Sure, it was disappointing, but it was one night. Take a step back and gain a handle on the actual situation rather ran revving yourself up into an obsessive fit. You’re not a clinger (based on the limited facts you’ve given me) but you are putting too much of your worth in his reaction rather than your actions. Take a personal day, watch some TV, turn off your phone (oh no, I’ve suggested the 8^th Deadly Sin!), and bask in the glory of you.

Lock it up!
The Dude

I had him. And I pushed him away.

I moved to New York City for an internship a few months ago, completely unattached for the first time in what felt like forever. I was so happy to be living in one of the most exhilarating places on earth, independent and ready to have the best time of my life. I didn’t come to the city looking for anyone or anything, just to experience NYC in it’s fullest. I had no intention of dating. In fact, after the year I’d had, it was the last thing on my mind.

Of course, it’s always when you’re not looking that you find someone.

He was ideal in every way. Ivy league grad, held a great job, sweet, very athletic, great looking and he even liked decent music. Not to mention he took me out on real dates (not just guest swiping me into a dining hall), tried to kiss me in public, held my hand… he did everything right. Hell, he even extended his texting plan because I told him I preferred texting to phone calls.

But no matter what, I just couldn’t put my guard down. I flinched when he tried to kiss me in front of people and cringed when he started referring to us as “in a relationship.” I was still single on Facebook; didn’t that mean anything?

The more time we spent together, the further I pulled away. Maybe it was a function of our age difference, but I started to question if there was something wrong with me. I liked spending time with him and everything, but I wasn’t ready to be his girlfriend. After all the a-holes I’d been with who cheated on me, lied to me, used and under-appreciated me, you’d think I’d be jumping for joy for this guy. On the contrary, I was terrified. I didn’t and do not want a boyfriend and I’m not interested in experiencing committal at age 21. Words like “girlfriend” and “relationship” strike fear into my heart.

A few months of dating and he began to notice that I wasn’t breaking down and tried to convince me to be more “mushy.” I’m not mushy. I’m a sweet girl, I laugh and smile a lot. I love hugging people and I enjoy doing nice things. However, I’m far from romantic at this juncture in my life. Even the flowers he got me made me barf a little in my mouth.  He continued to refer to us being “in a relationship” and implying that we were boyfriend/girlfriend.

Finally, after realizing that I was simply leading this poor guy on, we had the talk. And it was weird. Not only because we did it at my favorite bar while sipping on overpriced martinis (that he paid for), but because it was total role reversal. I was telling him things that guys normally tell girls when they want them to stop being clingy or assume that they’re girlfriend material. I told him I wasn’t ready for a commitment, I wasn’t looking to be a girlfriend and I wanted to slow down and maybe make things on a more “as needed” basis. You know, the “we can still be friends…I’m emotionally challenged” speech. I’m sure you’ve heard it before, lord knows I have.

He said he wanted to think about it, that he wasn’t sure if a laid back thing was in his best interests. He left me a note in the morning on my bed (yes, I stupidly brought him home with me…) detailing that “dating without romance doesn’t come naturally to me” and that he was more interested in a relationship. Goodbye. Good luck. Etc.

And there I was, alone in my bed, totally confused.

Did I seriously just end things with an awesome guy just because he wanted to be romantic and be my boyfriend? Isn’t that what I’ve always wanted – someone who liked me and wasn’t afraid of showing it?

What’s wrong with me? How could I pass up something great? Am I shell-shocked from the ghost of relationships past? Am I destined to die completely alone (not even as a crazy cat lady because I just hate cats way too much)? Did I just pass on the last good guy on earth? And what do I do now?

How do I fix this?

Question for Tuffaleh?! Email her at TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com and get that shiz answered!

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I have a wonderful, sweet boyfriend who I’ve been with for over a year. We were friends at first, and I always liked him from the moment we met freshman year (I’m a junior now) when we hooked up a few times casually but then seriously got together a year later. Things have been great so far but there’s one big problem: I’m very dependent on him. I try to spend as much time as I can with him, and although I have a close group of friends and get good grades, I put him as my number one priority. He doesn’t do that. He is involved in a lot of stuff outside of me, and even his friends have expressed that they want him to spend less time with me and more with them.

But Tuffy, I get anxious when he leaves me. We sleep together every night and I have gotten upset to the point of crying when I have to say goodbye to him in the morning. If he goes on vacation with his family or is away for long periods of time, I miss him terribly. I’m seriously attached, and I know it’s unhealthy. Help!

Separation Anxiety Girl

Dear SAP,

Honey, on the one hand, I want to say this is very sweet. You obviously really love this guy (and if he’s sleeping with you every single night of college, he probably loves you too) and it’s always nice to see.

BUT! Like you said, this ain’t healthy.

The good news is, you’re very, very close to a great relationship. You guys already get along, you’re happy, you’re loving, and you’re glowing with love and all that crap. All you have to fix is this one little issue and you’re set.
So here’s what you do: Make a list of things you like to do. Cross everything that he also likes to do or that you do with him off the list. What’s left?

Take the activities that are left on your list and schedule yourself to do at least one of them every week. Set aside time (say, Tuesday nights and Saturday mornings, or whatever works with your schedule) where you do one of the activities on your list, or you go have time with friends, or you even just have some lil’ ol’ date time with yourself. Boom, you’ve found your independence again. And I promise you will soon realize how much you missed it.

But if there’s nothing on your list after you’ve crossed him off it, you got bigger problems, my friend. In this case, I would advise you to take a little time off from your relationship. It sounds harsh and awful and you would never want to do it but, honey, you have to.  It’s not worth losing yourself in someone else. That’s not love. That’s obsession.

The point is to distinguish yourself from him. See? You can have fun without him. And Tuffster bets that the time you have WITH him will be even better for it.

Best of luck, SAP! Do this for a month and I bet you guys will be better than ever.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Depending on the relationship you had with the guy before the hook-up; the scenarios in which you’ll interact after the hook-up; and how much discussion you had before, during, and after the hook-up, the first “reunion” can be totally smooth, or completely cringe-worthy. And, for the record, the first reunion does not include your first words the morning after when both of you are still in bed…naked…and possiby still drunk.

How do you deal? If your first meeting with your last fling falls into one of the following categories, you need to work on your post-play approach.

1. The Awkward Aversion

You don’t know how he feels, and if it means avoiding rejection, you’re fine not knowing. You may respond to his presence by interrupting someone else’s conversation to avoid having to talk to him, fumbling with your phone to appear busy, or simply leaving the room. This will come off as either immature or disinterested. If he does like you and you blatantly ignore him, he’ll think you regret it. Unlike girls who want what they can’t have, guys are more likely to give up if you’ve bruised their ego. If you do like him, I suggest developing a different method.

2. The “Sex? What Sex? We Never Had Sex” Approach

You’re trying to play it cool. Too cool. You smile at him -great!- and follow it with a punch to the shoulder and a “Hey, buddy! Did you catch Monday Night Football last night?” You probably won’t catch his eye for more than a nanosecond, and rapidly come up with small-talk conversation starters because you’re afraid of a lull in the conversation, which may or may not lead to the line, “Should we talk about last Saturday?” You may use this approach if you were comfortable with him before, and afraid that you’ve ruined the friendship (or acquaintanceship) you used to share with the guy. This could be taken two ways: like the aversion approach, your guy could assume that you want to forget about it; on the other hand, you could come off as being too casual in the wake of the hook-up. Perhaps you’ve done this before, and often.

3. The Shameless Strut

You want him to remember what he had, and want it again. Even if you aren’t looking for a relationship, you want the satisfaction of knowing he’s still attracted to the cow after he’s gotten the milk for free. If you anticipate the reunion, you dress up for the occasion. Even if it’s unexpected, you immediately try to be the center of attention and the life of the party, so he can see that along with your hot looks you’ve got a great personality. Perhaps you’ll even place yourself in the middle of a passionate conversation with another guy, just so the recent fling will see what a hot commodity you are. But this isn’t the best idea; like the “We never had sex” approach, this can make you look like you bedhop more often than a European backpacker.

4. The Far-Too-Forward Front

He obviously wanted you on Saturday, so why should he feel differently on Monday? As soon as he enters the room, you’re glued to his side, cracking inside jokes that you shared last weekend (well, inside jokes to you, but neurotically minimal details to him). You find flirty ways to touch him, and don’t let him get a word in edgewise with any other girl in the room. This move immediately raises a red flag, because even if he was interested in moving into a relationship, he’s now seeing the next few months flash before his eyes, and it involves a clingy, controlling girlfriend. It’s the moment when you brush his hair out of his eyes and call him a brand new nickname that he realizes how much he loves being single.

5. The Fatal Attraction Fiasco

Your first meeting with him since - you know – is an encounter with him and at least one other girl. It could be as harmless as him tutoring a girl from his English class, or talking to a few old female friends around a keg. Maybe he’s simply holding a door for a stranger who happens to possess two X-chromosomes. No matter how innocent, it triggers some sort of jealous rage that prompts you to bitch him out, call him a player, and basically look like a complete psycho. Do I need to explain why this is going to put him off?

It can be difficult to play your cards right the first time you bump into a former fling, especially if you have your own doubts about the way you left things when you said goodbye. The best thing to do is be yourself, and try to read his own body language. If you want to talk about what happened, approach the subject honestly, and at the right moment. You don’t want to call him out in front of your friends, but you also don’t want to corner him and put him on the spot to evaluate all of his feelings for you.

If you play it cool, you have a far better chance of getting what you what (if it’s him that you want), and if things don’t work out, good news: you’re young, you’re single, and you’re on a college campus with thousands of other cuties to choose from.

Join CollegeCandy’s Facebook group for more relationship (or not so much) stories and advice! 

Even though this report comes to us from across the pond, I can totally see those numbers making sense in America as well. Why do women wait longer to reply to texts or missed calls from their crush?

Because we don’t want to seem clingy and desperate.

Society has done a number on us when it comes to our supposed frantic need for a man in our lives. The worst kind of women, magazines and TV shows and movies explain, is the desperate woman.

The girl who’s too eager to fall in love. The chick who’s all too happy to adhere herself to her new man and never let go. The woman who cluthes her cell phone to her chest, checking it every couple of seconds to see if her guy has called, ready to fill his screen with smiley faces and exclamation points.

Therefore, we have this equation:

Replying too fast to a call or text = desperate, desperate = bad, so replying too quickly to even the friendliest of texts?

You got it. Bad.

I’m not sure if guys feel this kind of weird pressure, but for my entire dating life (when I wasn’t with someone long-term) I’ve always struggled with myself when it came to texting or calling someone back.

Part me of says waiting an extended amount of time to reply is artificial and lame, and if I really like someone, I should let them know by replying whenever I feel like it. Another part of me is still nervous about being perceived as desperate and weak, and can’t shake the feeling that a quick response will cause my crush to think I’m an idiot.

So what do I usually end up doing?

Waiting that extra 19 minutes. Just to be safe.

What about you? Are you a text-back-whenever-I-feel-like-it Girl? Are you a Waiter? Does the whole idea of turning communication into a game turn you off?

Let us know!

Do you wait to send a text to someone you’re interested in?

Did you shudder? It seems like every time a guy utters that sentence, girls everywhere tremble a little inside.

It’s one of our biggest fears in a relationship. Are we hanging on too tightly? Are we calling too much? Should we pull back?

I could ask a thousand of those questions, but I won’t, because you’ve probably already heard them echoing in your head. Let’s just say clinginess tends to be a girl hang-up.

Knowing this and wanting to help (or just wanting to pretend he’s an expert on something) David Zinczenko, the editor in chief of Men’s Heath, recently wrote an article all about this relationship snafu, and how women can avoid it. While some people might think he’s finally cracked the code on relating, it seems to me that he’s just dolling out common sense.

The first thing Zinczenko urges women to do is not call their guy more than twice a day.

“You make more calls than that? The unspoken message is that maybe you don’t trust him, or don’t have enough to do yourself, or are relying too much on him for everyday satisfaction”.

Unfortunately, he has no advice for a situation I was recently in: a guy text messaging 7 times in one night.

The second thing us females should avoid? Joint email accounts. Um. Of course. Who in their right mind would force their significant other to share an email? Unless you’ve been married for ten years, this is the creepiest thing I’ve ever heard. Email is free, people. No need to be frugal.

Thirdly, Zinczenko advises us to lay off the celebrity gossip. And I say, if there’s any girl out there who actually thinks a straight guy enjoys hearing all about Britney’s custody battle, she deserves to live alone forever. Sure, everyone likes to see the latest nipple slip, but the only guy who likes talking for hours about it is your gay life partner.

The fourth and last tip Zinczenko has for girls everywhere is to “do your own thing”. Guys want to be left alone sometimes, he says, so make sure you make plans that don’t include him. Plans like visiting your friendly neighborhood Chippendales.

Not that I don’t appreciate Zinczenko’s hard work and mountains of detailed research, but unless you’re an idiot, I’m not sure his editorial is going to help. It seems to me the “clingy” issue is much more nuanced than blasting a boyfriend with telephone calls. Men and women view “coupledom” differently, and finding a balance between togetherness and individuality is difficult.

I mean, is it a bad idea to stalk your dude when he goes out to hang with his friends? Sure. But it’s the feelings that drive those stalker tendencies that need to be addressed, not just the action itself.

Unless, of course, you stalk him with a baseball bat and mace. That sort of thing should really be checked out.