I have spent 8 years (not continuously) with my mouth between a dude’s legs, and while I finally know that I’m good at it (one fine young man – whose name I do not know – exclaimed, “Wow! That was good!”), I still don’t love all the work is involved. It kills my jaw, my neck, and I’d rather let the guy handle things on his own than risk lock jaw on a sweaty appendage.

And do I get paid back? Not often. Lots of guys I know and have “interacted” with really aren’t into making the trip downtown on a lady. “It’s so hard!” they say. “You don’t know what we’re dealing with down there!”

Um, excuse me? They think they have it hard (pun totes not intended)?

I decided to take this issue on myself with my favorite IMing male to see if we could work through our problems and come to some sort of truce for men and women everywhere. Will this entice more men to venture South? We can only hope.

Likey? Don’t worry, there are plenty more faves where this came from.

My Roots of Feminism class recently read The Myth of Vaginal Orgasm by Anne Koedt, an essay from 1970 that talks about the idealization of vaginal orgasms when the main source of sexual pleasure for women has been proven to be the clitoris. (She goes much more into depth in her essay about how the “myth of vaginal orgasm” came about, if you want to read it.)

In 2009, we seem to have finally recognized the clitoris as the important sexual organ it is. Any Cosmo article will tell you that many women don’t have vaginal orgasms and clitoral stimulation is an important part of sex.  But despite recognizing the important of the clitoris, our basic, standard sex position remains missionary, one of the worst positions for clitoral stimulation!

Perhaps this is why 75% of women have never had an orgasm from sex; they’re going about it all wrong!

Well, people, it’s time to move past missionary and into the land of pleasure. Out with the boring and in with the orgasmic! Below are some new positions to try out that are sure to bring both you and your partner some serious pleasure.

You can thank me later.

69
Oral sex is by far the best source of clitoral stimulation for women, and with 69, both partners (of any gender) are enjoying themselves.

CAT
A modified version of missionary position, the Coital Alignment Technique (CAT) is a position specifically designed to give women clitoral stimulation during sex. From Wikipedia: “The penetrating partner lies above the receiving partner as in the missionary position, but moves upward along the woman’s body, so that the base of the male’s penis provides stimulation to her clitoris. The receiving partner may also wrap her legs around his. Sexual movement is focused in the pelvises, without leverage from the arms or legs. The rocking upward stroke (receiving partner leads) and downward stroke (penetrating partner leads) of sexual movement builds arousal that partners let develop and peak naturally.” Yeah it all sounds sorta technical, but in the end you’ll be happy you put the effort in.

Girl on Top
When you climb aboard you can control the depth and speed of penetration, thus doing what makes you feel best. Plus, his hands are free to offer extra stimulation. Win-win!

Doggy Style With Paws
Doggy style is a great angle for G-spot stimulation. To make it even better for you, ask your man to use his hand (or just grab it and show him) to stimulate your clitoris at the same time.

You, Me, and the Machine
Find a small, easy to grib vibrator and take it to bed with you. I promise you, your partner will enjoy it just as much as you. You won’t be sorry!

What’s your favorite position?

Rehab seems to be the IT place these days.

Bad news for Bachelorette, Jillian Harris.

Let Obama vacation in peace, people.

10 things you should know about the clitoris.

KFC goes totally healthy. Not.

Would you wear these leggings?

Additionally, Cosmo provides alternate ways to phrase creepy questions about a date’s credit card debt (pg 120), a single girl’s guide to using a camera’s self timer (apparently single girls don’t have friends to take their profile pics for them) and the hottest new accessory fashion house: Oriental Trading. Uh, the economy’s bad but do we have to resort to gummy bracelets?!

On the bright side, Cosmo’s Sexy issue did not disappoint in some arenas (he-llo naughty card game on page 136!): Katie Lee Joel’s recipe for a Mediterranean picnic made me question my aversion to olives, the Cosmo staff confessions had me LOL-ing in a very quiet section of the library, and the “Lose 5lbs in 7 Days” tips may have saved my life in preparation for pre-finals pool parties. And yet, Cosmo just wouldn’t be Cosmo without their well-intended but somewhat whack advice.

This month? The 6 sex lessons us lady folk can learn from the boys…

Lesson 1: You’re Always Doable

Cosmo Says: If you feel too gross to have sex, you will subconsciously tell your man to leave you alone. He then will stop asking you for sex. Also, “once you clothes come off, this is the extent of what a guy is thinking: ‘Boobs!’”

Kari Says: Obvi once breasts are within their field of vision, any man is reduced to monosyllables. All the man generalizing aside though, I can’t imagine a scenario where my boyfriend would “pick up” on “subliminal cues” that I don’t want to have sex at the moment, let alone respect said cues. As long as there’s that possibility, he’s probably going to take his chances. I understand that the point of this article is to get the ladies to enjoy sex just as much as guys do (I was unaware that I wasn’t…), but Dr. Patricia Taylor’s suggestion that I get my man hard to “realize there’s no point in worrying about all that other stuff” seems a little too convenient. There’s a reason why I’m not in the mood–or trust me, I’d be doin’ it.

Lesson 2: Little Things are Big Turn Ons

Cosmo Says: Men are turned on by absolutely anything and everything, so they constantly think about sex. By the time they get home, they’re like 12 hours deep into foreplay. Women? Not so much—we only think about sex during sexy time.

Kari Says: FALSE. Perhaps girls do not get turned on by “a millimeter of skin between your shirt and jeans,” but we’re not completely daydream devoid. What better way to kill time in a lecture without one’s laptop than replaying an AWESOME hook-up in your head? Mmm, memories…

Lesson 3: Your Crotch is Awesome

Cosmo Says: Boys know, love and protect their penises, and girls focus far too much on the clitoris. “And don’t forget to go hunting for your G-Spot,”…again.

Kari Says: Thank goodness you provided another set of detailed instructions for finding my G-Spot Cosmo; I seem to have misplaced my other 7 issues with the same directions. Other than that though, hells yea to female exploration and what not. If men can nurture and name their junk then women are entitled to the “same kind of self-love.” Props for incorporating the phrase “self-love,” and BTW, we already knew our crotches were awesome, thankyouverymuch.

Lesson 4: Practice Makes Perfect

Cosmo Says: Masturbate, masturbate, and masturbate some more to figure out what works best for you.

Kari Says: Orgasms? Yes please. Orgasms that will increase the likelihood of even more orgasms? Keep em comin’ ( no pun intended). The suggestions of methods that Cosmo provides are even helpful…until the final one. I’m sorry Cosmo, but not even in the name of a better sex drive do I see the necessity of “tossing a towel over the padded arm of [my] couch, straddling it, and rocking back and forth, using the weight of my body to adjust the amount of pressure on [my] clitoris.” Something tells me my roommates wouldn’t appreciate this experimentation either.

Lesson 5: Sex is Better at Full Mast

Cosmo Says: The clitoris is the female equivalent of the penis. Foreplay is important to make sure it’s equally “engorged.”

Kari Says: Foreplay is absolutely important. I too see the importance of becoming fully turned on before sex (or else it’s just not fair). Unfortunately, I don’t think that my boyfriend would understand if I insisted that he make sure I was fully erect before we started knocking boots…

Lesson 6: It’s All About Focus

Cosmo Says: Women kick ass at multitasking, unfortunately, this is a bad thing in the bedroom. Men have made an art form of tuning out all that isn’t vitally important to the interest at hand, this is a very very good thing in the bedroom.

Kari Says: Agreed. Cosmo, you are absolutely right; I sometimes catch myself thinking ahead to my next move (naturally one of your patented positions from the Cosmo Sutra—so you’re partially to blame), stressing about the way my stomach looks and, yes, even wanting to open the window to cool things down. This just might be the perfect opportunity to take a page from the guys’ book and practice focusing only on the sensory experience of sex.

Overall, I think that Cosmo does an excellent job of highlighting some of the sexual benefits men reap—a few of our *ahem* talents just may have been overlooked. So yes, Cosmo, in the name of “sexual superiority” I think this advice is pretty damn good…but I’m still not gonna hump my couch.

I have spent 8 years (not continuously) with my mouth between a dude’s legs, and while I finally know that I’m good at it (one fine young man – whose name I do not know – exclaimed, “Wow! That was good!”), I still don’t love all the work is involved. It kills my jaw, my neck, and I’d rather let the guy handle things on his own than risk lock jaw on a sweaty appendage.

And do I get paid back? Not often. Lots of guys I know and have “interacted” with really aren’t into making the trip downtown on a lady. “It’s so hard!” they say. “You don’t know what we’re dealing with down there!”

Um, excuse me? They think they have it hard (pun totes not intended)?

I decided to take this issue on myself with my favorite IMing male to see if we could work through our problems and come to some sort of truce for men and women everywhere. Will this entice more men to venture South? We can only hope.

You and me, we’ve had a pretty good run so far. I don’t think I thank you often enough, but you’ve been very good to me over the years. You’ve muscled through innumerable yeast infections. You’ve fought off bouts of HPV — twice — and came up clean both times. You tolerated a biopsy for cervical cancer without anesthesia when I was too young and dumb to realize I ought to go to a specialist for something like that.

I know that sometimes — okay, way too many times — I wasn’t nearly as good to you. I’ve introduced you to more partners than you probably would have cared to meet on your own. And some of them were really, really bad. But you put up with it anyway.

And how did I pay you back? With a year of abstinence. I’m sure that’s not what you had in mind, and I’m sorry.

I also know that my weekly horseback riding lessons are rather rough on you and our mutual friend, the clitoris. Particularly when I insist on riding bareback. But you have never once complained, and I appreciate that.

There are worse trials to come, I’m afraid. Someday I’ll be depending on you to help push out our baby. I suspect that won’t be much fun for either of us. We might have to do it a couple of times, too. And aging will pretty much suck for both of us.

But you’ve stuck by me so far, and I promise to be better to you in the years to come. Whatever we have to face, we’ll face it together.

Your Friend,

Katharine

Those little things I can overlook.

What I can’t overlook is a Law Student’s inability to last longer than 3 minutes. Or to figure out where on earth a woman’s clitoris is.

What is the problem here? Did these boys learn nothing from sex education? And what about common sense? I mean, come on, who ever thought pushing a girl’s head towards your nether regions was a good form of foreplay?

And, maybe I’m asking too much, but if a guy can take the SAT’s and get into college, shouldn’t he be able to figure out what is/is not an acceptable way to treat a woman’s nipples? I don’t bite your penis, why do you think it’s ok to nosh on my nips?

Apparently I am not the only one feeling this way. I don’t know who this person is, but they provide quite a thorough and honest list of everything men do wrong in the bedroom. Not only is the list complete, but it can be easily printed and handed out to any potential suitor. Score!

We clearly have a long way to go when it comes to teaching men the ways of looooove, but this little blog (written by a guy, no less!) is clearly a step in the right direction. Maybe they are catching on, albeit slowly. Maybe one day we will find men that last long, touch us softly, and make us breakfast in the morning. And maybe, just maybe by the time our daughters start bringing home the men, they won’t have to deal with the horrifying nipple pains that plagued their mothers so many years before.

Ok, maybe I’m exaggerating slightly. There are some guys out there that will put some effort into making sure their woman is satisfied. I think it’s more that they like to hear that they’ve made you happy then actually making you happy, but I’m a little bitter right now towards men. Forgive me.

If you’re just desperate to enhance your sexual experience, you can now spend $1,800 every four months for the G-Shot, an injection meant to expand your G-Spot. The collagen that women have been injecting into their lips for years to create a more pillowy, Angelina Jolie look can now be used to blow up that special place. It expands the money spot into the size of a quarter, and though results may vary, it just might possibly better your booty time.

Now, I have a couple of qualms with this. One—have these women never heard of the clitoris? Has it not been scientifically proven that the woman’s clit is the equivalent to the man’s dick? Is it that hard to have your man, or yourself reach on down there and rub a little? Or what about just a really great, extended foreplay session?

Sex is a give and take, lovely little game. We’re stimulated one way, them in another way. Why not just work out with your partner what works best for both of you? Talking about it is a great way of opening up communication lines, and you both may learn something about the opposite sex. Exploring and figuring it out in a hot, hands on manner is even more fun. If you have a guy that just won’t work that hard—sounds like it’s time to kick him to the curb.

Next—the list of side effects for this ridiculously over-priced thing is enormous. Everything from yeast infections, to pain during sex, and damage to nearby organs. What? One of the other side effects is a constant feeling of stimulation which… I guess that’s a problem during, like, church. But honestly—you can seriously mess things up down there by doing this. It just doesn’t seem worth it.

I guess if you’re desperate for some sexual satisfaction and have two grand to throw around this is an option. But I really feel as though you might need to sit down and think about why you have such a hard time climaxing. Work out the self-esteem issues and get wild in bed before you try this. Or buy a rabbit.

I’ve been showing the article to numerous friends and acquaintances, as to get a broader opinion on the whole thing, and I’ve stumbled upon some interesting feedback from my fellow female colleagues and sexual savants.

Here I have listed what I have found to be the most tragically common sexual faux-pas, that college girls like ourselves often play victim to, and added some commentary that I think you’ll enjoy.

The following are in no particular order or scale (from most offensive to least). They all pretty much suck – so avoid, at all costs, any guy that makes a habit out of the following faux-pas.

• Not Kissing – when a guy goes strait for the O-Zone (not necessarily an “O-Zone” for us, but rather a device in providing an easily attainable “O” for them—bastards!) it doesn’t make a girl…how do I say this nicely?—wet! It makes us feel like Julia Roberts in pretty women, pre-falling madly in love with Richard Gear—not cool.

• Not Shaving – and I’m not just talking about the prickly shards of hair that protrude from a man’s face by 5p.m., and often cause irritating rashes—wherever they may arise. Men must also be clean shaven down below, especially if they are going to expect the same courtesy from us. No one (male or female) needs to be “flossing” while performing down unda’.

• Ignoring Her Other Body Parts – we ladies, I believe, have 7 erogenous zones, according to Monica Gellar. Yet men tend to pay attention to only 3—and barely. The twins and the other, most important sista’, are what men seem to focus on most; but as most ladies know, we love and adore having every inch of our bodies touched, caressed and sexually teased.

• Attacking the Clitoris – some guys just do NOT know what they are doing down there. Pressure is good, but only if given in the right amounts. Head-butting the clit will not bring about any orgasmic outcome whatsoever—am I wrong?

• Going Too Fast – not “going” as in coming too quickly—although trust me, that will be addressed—but as in thrusting like a wild horse with its ball in a harness. No need! While I, like I’m sure many, enjoy a “heavy-hitter” every now and again, it’s always more enjoyable when started off slow and deep. Ugh! Just thinking about it makes me quiver.

• Coming Too Soon – in the words of Missy Elliot, “I don’t want no minute man.” Enough said.

• Not Coming Soon Enough – I know, I know—now I’m just being picky, but it’s true. After being pounded out for 90 minutes and only peaking…umm once or maybe even not at all, I’ve had enough. Be done with already, will you!?

• Not Warning Her Before You Cum – it may be just me, although I highly doubt it, but no one enjoys a surprise mouthful or even worse a “money shot.” We would all appreciate a little warning, thank you very much.

• Attempting Anal Sex and Pretending it was an Accident – I don’t think so—it doesn’t fly with me, as I’m sure it doesn’t fly with many other ladies. Always a big no-no.

• Not Caring Whether She Comes – this is the most crucial and the most offensive mistake of all. If he doesn’t care enough to please you then he ain’t worth diddly-squat. Cut his ass off so fast, that even at his worst (and quickest) it makes him look good.

To see the rest of men’s 40 worst mistakes in bed, again, click here.