In the last year, it seems as though being single has been my specialty. While flings and hookups have come and gone (pun intended) and dates have left me with some less than desirable memories, my current single status has remained loyally by my side. I’ve learned a lot in the past year and I’ve discovered that single girls around the world are all in the same fabulous pair of shoes.

So if you’re sick of sitting at a table for one, eating a meal portioned for two, I cordially invite you to join The Single Girl Society, where being single is more than status, it’s a lifestyle. Of course, with everything in life, the single girl lifestyle comes with rules and I’ve picked up quite a few along the way. So kick back, grab a drink and let the lessons I’ve learned serve as your very own roadmap to transitioning to and enduring the single life.

So it’s New Year’s Eve and you’re single…again. Cue the tightest little black dress that practically defies the laws of physics. Cue double fisting $4 champagne. Cue the drunk dialing your ex just to tell him you “don’t miss him or his BMW at all!” Well…maybe not that last one. Not this year anyway. This new year leave your ex from Planet Douchebag behind and give closure another shot by making it your resolution.

Lesson 5: Sometimes you have to create your own closure.

Breakups are messy. You don’t always get a chance to tie up the loose ends from a burned relationship with your ex love. You don’t always get your questions answered. So when sitting down to rehash your feelings with your ex isn’t an option, it’s time to take it upon yourself to sort things out.

Now I don’t mean launch an all-out-Sydney-Bristow investigation on your ex and all the people you heard he cheated on you with (though I am a fan of any activity that allows you to rock a pleather cat suit). If you really want closure, you have to sort things out for yourself because after all, the only feelings you have control over are yours.

A lot of girls go into post-breakup meet-ups with their exes only to walk away even more confused. These girls search for answers to questions they should be asking themselves. You have to ask yourself if hearing the reasons why someone didn’t want to date you is really going to help you carry on with your newly single life.

Sometimes it’s more effective to channel your energy toward moving on instead of backtracking and putting yourself through the misery of a breakup after the actual breakup. You already suffered; there’s no need to put yourself through the pain again.

So how does a girl create her own closure?

Well, if a champagne diet isn’t your thing, no worries, closure is within reach and best of all, you can take baby steps!

If you’re not ready to defriend your ex on Facebook yet, then block him from your newsfeed instead. If you’re not ready to trash the evidence of your relationship yet, have your roommate or friend stash the pictures, letters and ticket stubs in a secret place until you’re ready to revisit the items without a bottle of Jack and bag of marshmallows. On the other hand – if you have no desire to keep any shred of evidence of your relationship – I highly recommend using your car to run over any items that remind you of your ex (like a scrapbook…).

Above all always remember that dwelling will only reverse any progress you’ve made in moving on from an ex. Newsflash: If you spend all your time wondering how your life could go on without your ex, it won’t go on. Dwelling traps you and ties you down to something (or someone) that doesn’t exist anymore.

So take a week to mourn your lost relationship, dwell alongside Breakfast at Tiffany’s and The Holiday and drain your sadness into your duvet comforter. But after that week ends, make progress a priority to finally move on with your life and leave your relationship behind. Closure is in your hands, now grab it and run!

What are the first 4 rules of the Single Girl Society? Find out right here.

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Dear Dude,

The other weekend I met a guy through a mutual friend at breakfast, and we hit it off. I happened to run into him later that day, and we spent a good four hours just chatting and flirting while working, and he ended up inviting me to his place to watch a movie with some friends. He had his arm around me during the movie, and once everyone else left, we started making out. He started to take things further, I went along for a while but then put a stop to it, saying I should go home, since I wasn’t comfortable going that far with a guy I just met. He said I could sleep over if I wanted or he could walk me home, and he said he wanted to get breakfast in the morning. So he walked me home, and we did get that breakfast.

The next night, we were both out at separate parties, but he texted me saying to let him know if I wanted to meet up. So later that night I texted him saying that my roommate was gone for the weekend, and to meet me outside the party I was at. He comes, I proudly announce that I’m drunk, and he just laughs and starts walking me back to my place. Again, we start hooking up, but after a little I again put a stop to it, since, again, I’d just met him the day before. He says it’s fine, I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to, etc. I apologize, since by this point I’m sober enough to realize that bringing him back home was a cocktease and a half, but he insists everything’s fine. He asks if I want him to sleep over or if he should go back home, I say he can stay if he wants. He asks if I’d like that, I say yes, so for the rest of the night we just cuddle, with him occasionally kissing my forehead and such, just generally being very sweet.

The next day, after he left (he had to get up early for church) I texted him apologizing for bringing him home, saying it wasn’t fair of me to lead him on like that, and that I wouldn’t have done it sober, and that I really like him but that I can’t go that far with a guy I’ve just met. He responds saying that it’s fine, he likes me too, and that he doesn’t want to take it as a setback between us.

But since then he’s pretty much been ignoring me. He won’t text me back, except one time (I asked him to lunch, he said he had class. When I said I was free later if he wanted to get together, he never responded.) This is very confusing to begin with, since one day he was saying he really liked me, sending me cute texts, and the next he’s ignoring me completely. But on top of all that, whenever he sees me in person, he seems genuinely happy to see me. I ran into him again while working, and we talked, and everything seemed fine, and if he sees me, no matter how far away we are, he’ll give me a really big wave or salute. I don’t get these mixed signals! If he was just looking for a hookup, why did he keep pursuing after I told him the first night it wasn’t going to go there anytime soon, and why did he insist afterward that he likes me and doesn’t want it to come between us? Or if he was looking for more than that, why did he stop? How could I have messed things up between the last text he sent and then the dead silence for the next couple days, we didn’t even see each other? And if I did mess things up, why does he still respond really enthusiastically when he sees me in person? I’m so lost, please help!

Thanks,
Left Hanging

Dear Left Hanging,

The number one question when the relationship goes nowhere is: “what did I do wrong?” My question to you, Left Hanging, is this: who says it’s all about you?

Some people have to be the cause of all their problems. Something’s wrong with me, it’s all my fault. There’s simply no other rational explanation. Everything was going so right and then it seemed to just peter-off. No one died.  He didn’t suddenly try to throw me out of a moving car at 50mph. He just stopped calling. How did I drive him away?

The cruelest form of rejection is indifference. There’s no closure involved and no understanding of what spoiled the fruit on the vine. We need a cause and effect in order to move on. There has been a death of potential happiness and we need to somehow mourn the loss (forms of grieving include clubbing, sleeping, sleeping around with other candidates for temporary happiness, and Chuck marathons). A need to find fault with ourselves can become a narcissistic endeavor. One person is rarely ever at fault in the dissolution of a relationship or the lack of development of a potential relationship because the situation involves 2 (that’s more than 1) people.

There’s probably no great and clear answer to your query, Left Hanging. Maybe the guy’s interest peaked, and waned, so he stopped taking initiative. Perhaps he fell for someone else. His friends might have talked him out of pursuing you because they thought you were a tease (peer pressure never ceases to be a cause of stupidity). It’s possible he still likes you but because he’s an a**hole, or just a dummy, he figures it’s better to end things before they have a chance to move forward. Perhaps he’s a two-faced liar that’s been leading you on. The truth to digest is that you will probably never have an answer or admission of guilt to put in your trophy case. I’m not going to sugarcoat it, that truth is worse than drinking Robitussin after a Spam sandwich.

Did you do something wrong by saying “no más” when he went under the skirt? No. Was it teasing to bring him home, entice him to stay over, and then keep him under the covers while you slept on top of them? I’d argue yes but you tried to address the situation which is a step in the right direction. The fact of facts is that he made the decision to stop. What sucks is that he had the right to.

Everyone would rather be the dumper than the dumped. Control contributes to one’s confidence in him/herself. Control is, sometimes, a selfish want. On top of that, control isn’t usually a realistic want. One of the hardest facts of life to accept is that we can’t control much of anything.

If you cheated on him, repeatedly teased him into blue ball Hell, told him you loved him then acted like he never existed, or you were waiting for him outside his house with a boom box every night playing “For Sentimental Reasons” then I’d say obsess over your guilt all you want. But since you’ve provided me with insufficient evidence any of those are the situation here, all I can advise is that you get over the need to figure out what you did wrong. Stop blaming yourself, and begin putting the experience behind you unless he re-sparks the flame. Blame doesn’t help you move on. It enables you to drive yourself crazy. Some people have a self-destructive need to do that. I hope you aren’t one of them.

Absolving guilt,
Monsignor Dude

From conversations with my girl friends, I’ve deduced that “closure” is when you can finally move on from a failed relationship. My friends have described it as the feeling you get once you can finally put the relationship behind you and say goodbye to an ex for good.

But how do we get there? When does that come? And how do we know? Does closure really mean we have to say goodbye to move on? Does it imply that women must kick someone out of their lives to move on with their own?

Well if so, I’m screwed.

My ex-boyfriend and I have been broken up for years and he is still a sporadic fixture in my life. I met him in elementary school, fell in love with him when I was 16, and now I’m 21 and he is still around. He’s faded into the background a bit, but he’s most definitely still in the picture.

And despite having him around, I am honestly, 100% over him. After a few years of messy friendship and the occasionally stupid hook-up, I finally got over it (hallelujah!) and moved on. I slowly but surely pulled myself together and was happy being single and on my own. After that, I dated and even fell in love again.

However, according to the unwritten Laws of Closure, I am not over him because he is still in my life. My friends are constantly worrying that he’s just trying to get me back and that I need to be rid of him to be truly over him, but that doesn’t seem right or fair to me.

I mean, come on, ladies – can’t we be strong enough to move on from a past relationship without disregarding the ex?

After all, we all learn from every relationship, good or bad, and in some ways are changed by it. It is impossible to be so open with and connected to someone without it altering us. Should we dismiss someone who helps shape who we become? And just because a relationship doesn’t work out, does that mean that no relationship with that person can? Being a boyfriend is a lot different than being a friend; why can’t we get closure and still hold onto the friend?

I’m sure that it’s a whole lot easier to pick up the pieces and move on after a break up without the other person around, but I am proof that it’s possible to move on and have your closure without banishing your ex to the island of failed relationships.

What do you think? What does it take to get a little closure around here?

I obviously should have gotten the hint, but I just couldn’t let it go. We had such a great date; how could he just stop talking to me? What did I do wrong? Why would he tell me he’d call if he never planned to? I needed to hear it – I needed to know he wasn’t interested. I needed that closure.

Eventually, which was far too long in any sane person’s book, I gave up and moved on. He wasn’t going to call. I had my closure. Looking back, I realize just how crazy I was. Literally, crazy. No wonder he never called back; he was probably at the police station trying to get a restraining order. But I was young and alone in a giant new city. That boy was the one thing I had to hold onto while I started a new job, found a new apartment and adjusted to life outside of Ann Arbor, Michigan.

I know now that no answer is the loudest and clearest answer a guy can give. Yet, even now, as a more mature and experienced adult, I can’t shake my desire (or relentless need) for some verbal communication. Not so much for the closure anymore – completely losing my dignity got me over that one quickly – but more as a much needed learning tool. If I did something wrong, I want to know so I can fix it for future experiences.

Like, if I came on too strong, or not strong enough; if my humor was a bit overwhelming on the first date, or if I came across as a bitch. Something. I just want to shake these guys sometimes; just tell me something! I know that it’s always easier to just let things fizzle and die, but I just want some answers, damn it. I am trying to grow from this experience. Help me grow, will you?!

It’s like getting rejected from a job. Imagine getting that generic rejection letter or, even worse, no rejection letter at all! You would want to know why you didn’t get the job, wouldn’t you? You know, so you can spruce up your resume for the next time, or wear a nicer suit on future interviews.

I just want to know which suit to wear on my next interview. At the bar. With a single man.

I know those answers will never come – and that I will never ask because that makes me look crazy – but I can’t help but need to know. It seems so much more productive than blaming the guy and assuming I am perfect. Even though I am damn near close.

Am I alone in this one?