You got this, girl.

Alright post-grads, future post-grads, and people who think they are post-grads but are really just thirty-years-old and clinging on to their blissful youth.  For some reason as a post-grad myself, I’ve found it easiest to write about things that depress me.  I guess I just like an excuse to indulge in brownie sundaes nightly. But the truth is, the post-grad life isn’t depressing!  In reality, it’s a beautiful time for all of us to open doors after some have been slammed in our faces.  Think about the power you obtain in that single movement!

But I digress.

When we leave college, we immediately assume we’ve lost so much. And by so much, I mean everything. I’ll be straight up honest with you: when I was in college, I was an annoying, cocky, lady-child (in the best way possible). I think it had something to do with the fact that while I was living the dream, napping intensely during the week, drinking until 3AM, getting in everywhere for free as long as I flashed someone my boobs student ID – basically living like a homeless celebrity – I felt as if nothing could get past me.

College was my own protective placenta of awesomeness; a slice of time when I could bask in everything that was working out for me (i.e. free food, a semi-careless attitude, eating whatever sat in front of me, not worrying about what anyone thought).  I know I’m completely sounding like a cocky a**hole, but college made me feel weirdly confident.  I felt like I could do anything, dream anything and, most importantly, see everything clearly.  Perhaps it was some evolved pair of college beer goggles, but I saw everything without any glitches, scratches or worries.  I knew that by the end of the semester I would have survived somehow and I could look forward to a fresh slate in January.

When I graduated, though, I lost that college invincibility factor.  I was no longer sitting on the top of the world or starring in my own personal Fantasia movie, controlling whatever I wanted with my ‘I-don’t-give-a-sh*t’ magic wand.  I was sitting in a world engulfed by people who would not adhere to me, who wouldn’t pay my loans and who didn’t give a rat’s about how entirely awesome I was at college.

I tried to get back in touch with that ‘amazingness’ factor for so long but couldn’t find it because I didn’t have college to back me up.  I didn’t have all my friends constantly telling me how fun the weekend had been. I didn’t have professors praising me for joining clubs on campus. I didn’t have parents patting my back when I made it on the Dean’s List or did well on a test.  I left college and suddenly, an amazing, satisfying life was entirely up to me. I no longer had college to define what was happening. I needed to define this new life myself.

Well, that’s scary…

…And the soul reason why I think everyone should keep a piece of that college cockiness within them (in good measure, of course) as a post-grad and hold it close to their heart.  Many people view cockiness as a negative quality, but I believe cockiness can be turned into an element of confidence that helps us get by. Especially when we’re facing the unknown head-on. We don’t need to shove cockiness in other’s faces (i.e. make YouTube videos where we talk about how amazing we are and how our bodies are fueled with Tiger Blood); we can simply remind ourselves of our personal greatness (because we’ve all got it, girls, even if it doesn’t feel like it right about now) and use it to believe in ourselves and push ourselves forward.

In college, I believed I could do anything I wanted, from acing a class to bonging 2 beers in one funnel. As a post-grad, I continually want to believe I can do anything.  I want to feel invincible.  And I don’t want to have to chug a few shots of liquid courage to get there. (Trust me – drinking just isn’t as easy when you’re out of college. Sad face.) That is when I channel my inner cocky college girl. I don’t need my friends or parents or teachers to back me up here; I got everything I need to kick ass out here and take some names (and numbers. Call me, boys!). I’m an adult, dammit. A woman. I learned everything I need to know about my profession and have the skills I need to be successful out here.

I know it now, so I’m lifting my head up and forging on.

I used to just be really good at college, but now I’ve got a whole new list of things to feel good about. Watch out, world – cocky bitch comin’ through.

I am the queen of terrible dates. Good or bad, I’ve always been the girl that “gives him a chance (or two)” often to a fault. After losing some blood, skin, and half of a tooth on my last date (no lie, I can’t make up stuff this good), I decided that enough is enough. No other girl should have to go through the pain of being toothless for two weeks during finals – it’s just wrong.

As a result, I’ve put together a survival guide to navigate you through the three most painful date scenarios you may ever encounter.

1. He wants to pregame with you – before your date.

There is nothing wrong with having a little somethin’ somethin’ before a date, but a trashed date should be a red flag. There are three things that go really well with heavy intoxication: vomit, awkward hook-ups, and injury. Ironically, these are three things clash with dates like Crocs with…anything. So what do you do if your date downs three long islands by the time you order your appetizers? First and foremost, I hope you didn’t wear heels since you will be walking all night thanks to Drunky Danny. If you made the fatal mistake of wearing heels, do not under any circumstances accept any sort of offer from your date to carry you home. Believe me, there is more than one muscle that gets weaker upon intoxication, which may cause him to severely overestimate his strength. Other than that, you can’t really do anything other than put his drunk ass to bed, run home as fast as you can, and never go out with that guy ever again.

2. He’s great at conversation (with himself).

There is nothing worse than listening to the epic tales of a guy that will not shut the hell up. You know how it goes: he’ll start off with the story about the time he took Salvia and thought everybody was a different type of bread. Pretty funny, right? Then that story runs into the touching story of his longest keg stand. Which starts to run into the tale of every single bar fight he’s ever “almost been in.” Yeah, he’s not so funny anymore. When this happens, you should first of all feel flattered that he likes you enough to go to such lengths to impress you. After soaking up that flattery for about five minutes, it starts to get annoying and you need to do something about it. My advice? Say something! He may just be talking because he’s nervous and is waiting for you to take the reins. Once you’ve got those reins, be sure to steer the conversation away from the brag sesh and into something that you may even remotely be interested in. Now if he keeps interrupting you to go back to the self-flattery, then you know that he just loves himself too much for him to have any room in his heart for you. So sit back, listen to the stories, then go home and crack up with your friends about the tool.

3. He is a firm believer in the phrase “Chivalry is dead.”

I know that it’s the 21st century and men don’t need to order our meals for us or anything, but a little special treatment is kinda nice once in a while. There is really no other time that we can enjoy the luxury of chivalry and profuse kiss-assedness like we can on dates. Once in a while, however, you will encounter the anti-gentleman: he walks in front of you, lets doors slam in your face, and expects you to cover your own bus and subway ticket to the restaurant. It could be that he doesn’t care, or that he is completely oblivious. In this situation, however, you need to decide exactly how important gentlemanliness is for you. If you are little Miss Independent (thanks, Kelly Clarkson) and you prefer to do your own dirty work, then this guy may be perfect for you. However, if you’re the kinda girl that likes roses and love letters, then I don’t think this is the Casanova you’re seeking. I find that most girls fall somewhere in the middle, which may force you to (gasp!) evaluate the guy as a whole, not just on the presence of his smooth moves. A mild warning, however – this chilvary-is-dead attitude may indicate a lack of romanticism that may actually become a problem in the future, regardless of your stance on the issue.

Unfortunately, the thing about dates is that there are a really million and a half things that could go wrong. You really can’t know the perfect response to every situation at the exact moment it occurs. But that’s why dating is so fun – it’s completely unpredictable. And hey, if it’s a total disaster, at least you’ll have a good story to tell at next Sunday’s hungover brunch.

Ego and rock’n'roll usually go hand in hand, but there are certain artists who defy expectations in the douchebag department. Certain rockers who just can’t keep their mouths shut — whether there’s a stage mic or a report’s mic in front of them. Certain dudes who make our top 5 Cockiest Rocker Dbags.

5) Noel Gallagher

Remember this douche? Yah. Not many people do. For some reason Oasis is still making music, but the only thing we ever heard when we looked at them were the words “ugly” and “all-our-songs-sound-the-same“

4) Gene Simmons

A few months ago, Simmons recorded a sex tape that made just about everyone I know puke up their lunch. Sure, KISS was a good band, but saying things like “every other band should be wiping my ass” is just pure Dbag material — especially if you look like your face is made of wax that’s melting.

3) Little Richard

Little Richard and his tiny moustache made some good music in his day, but you wouldn’t exactly consider him “the architect of rock ‘n’ roll,” would you? The architect of tacky sequined jackets? Sure! The architect of upper lip hair? Yup! Well, it doesn’t matter what you’d consider, because Little Richard knows.

2) Kanye

No lie, Kanye knows music — or at least his kind of music. He’s got a certain genre pretty much covered, but that doesn’t mean that he’s the most popular rocker of all time. I mean, if he was, my mom would know who he is…and I’m pretty sure if I said Kanye to to my mom, she’d asked if that was a type of take-out I can only get in NYC.

1) John Lennon

He has to be #1. Because he tried to take on Jesus. And look…you just don’t take on Jesus. I mean, can you walk on water, buddy? I don’t think so. That guy is totally in the popular clique of the Cosmos.

Any other rocker Dbags we should know about?

Tucker Max is the author of his—fittingly narcissistic—self-titled website, where he has published over 80 very detailed stories about his ridiculous sex soirées. This guy is a true work of art. He published this disclaimer:

“If you are a reasonably intelligent female, it should be obvious that you don’t want to date me. I am shallow, narcissistic, self-absorbed, and insufferably arrogant. I have no desire to commit to anything beyond a cell phone contract. At any given time, I am fucking multiple women, and will not give up that sexual freedom for a partner.”

He writes the most grotesque (but addictively entertaining) stories about banging midgets, trying anal sex and dating (and getting sued by) Miss Vermont. Oh yea, there was also that story about a girl who tattooed “I fucked Tucker Max” on her vajayjay three hours after meeting him.

He is brutally honest about his offensive intentions, and still, girls make insane efforts to hook up with him. What’s the appeal?

I can’t say for sure. But I’d guess it has something to do with his I-don’t-give-a-f@#k attitude, accompanied by his blogosphere celebrity status.

I’ll admit, after a few days of reading TuckerMax—once my initial disgust subsided—I began to find him attractive. He’s an extremely witty writer who gets more famous each day, which has something to do with the attractiveness-factor. But, really, the fact that he nonchalantly gets more ass than any guy I know—and doesn’t even try—is a turn-on.

So, yea, I would totally hook up with Tucker Max. However, the night would not end with a tattoo…

Would you hook up with Tucker Max?

Are you kidding me? Ever hear of something called self-respect?

Absolutely, I want a story written about me!