And now, toebesity is on the rise.

What the hell is tobesity, you ask? Ugh. I wish I didn’t know either, but apparently, there are plastic surgeons—and really vain patients—who are willing to scalpel, suck, and reshape those little piggies.

That’s right. Women are reportedly getting their toes remodeled and pumped with collagen so they can fit into shoes engineered to be uncomfortable. They’re also getting their feet lipoed (I kid you not), and shortening toes. Most of these procedures have nothing to do with medical normalities. It’s all about crafting the perfect foot.

Why do this? There’s no good answer.

And that’s it. I have nothing else to say. I am rendered completely speechless by the stupidity of this procedure and the narcissists who pay for it.

If you must waste money on changing your face, your torso, or filling your chest with watery plastic bags, then so be it. But for godsake, stay away from your feet.

What do you think about Toebesity?

Ok, maybe I’m exaggerating slightly. There are some guys out there that will put some effort into making sure their woman is satisfied. I think it’s more that they like to hear that they’ve made you happy then actually making you happy, but I’m a little bitter right now towards men. Forgive me.

If you’re just desperate to enhance your sexual experience, you can now spend $1,800 every four months for the G-Shot, an injection meant to expand your G-Spot. The collagen that women have been injecting into their lips for years to create a more pillowy, Angelina Jolie look can now be used to blow up that special place. It expands the money spot into the size of a quarter, and though results may vary, it just might possibly better your booty time.

Now, I have a couple of qualms with this. One—have these women never heard of the clitoris? Has it not been scientifically proven that the woman’s clit is the equivalent to the man’s dick? Is it that hard to have your man, or yourself reach on down there and rub a little? Or what about just a really great, extended foreplay session?

Sex is a give and take, lovely little game. We’re stimulated one way, them in another way. Why not just work out with your partner what works best for both of you? Talking about it is a great way of opening up communication lines, and you both may learn something about the opposite sex. Exploring and figuring it out in a hot, hands on manner is even more fun. If you have a guy that just won’t work that hard—sounds like it’s time to kick him to the curb.

Next—the list of side effects for this ridiculously over-priced thing is enormous. Everything from yeast infections, to pain during sex, and damage to nearby organs. What? One of the other side effects is a constant feeling of stimulation which… I guess that’s a problem during, like, church. But honestly—you can seriously mess things up down there by doing this. It just doesn’t seem worth it.

I guess if you’re desperate for some sexual satisfaction and have two grand to throw around this is an option. But I really feel as though you might need to sit down and think about why you have such a hard time climaxing. Work out the self-esteem issues and get wild in bed before you try this. Or buy a rabbit.