Easy on the soda water, homegirl.

A couple of days ago three bars at Penn State were fined for “lack of alcohol training.”

What?!

What exactly were those bartenders doing wrong to piss off the authorities? How hard is it to open a bottle of Bud Light or mix vodka and tonic together? It’s not like us college kids are ordering difficult drinks like mudslides and daiquiris at the bar. I think I speak for all of us when I say the only qualities I’m looking for in a bartender are speed and a heavy hand (well, the hand that’s holding the booze). And if they’re a bit slow at math and can’t add my tab correctly, that’s OK too.

The thing is, bartender experience is the least important offense when it comes to college bars. There are far more pressing and disturbing issues that should be addressed. And fined. And fixed!

The Line
I don’t mind waiting in line if the bar is hopping – I’ll just sip my 40 while I wait – but making people stand in line when the bar is empty only to make it look cooler? That should be illegal.

Watered Down Drinks
I did not pay $7 for soda on ice; if I wanted that I would go to the McDonalds down the street and get unlimited refills for a dollar. If I order a Cran-Vodka, I want it to sting as it goes down, not taste like I could put in my 3 year old cousin’s sippy-cup. So stop filling my mini-cup with ice to make me think I’m getting more booze and tip that bottle in there. I’m paying you more for this one drink than a full bottle at the liquor store so stop being so damn stingy. Read More »

You’re at a house party or a bar… or in line to get into a house party or bar. It doesn’t matter. Wherever you are, you’ve just spotted a very handsome boy and you want to talk to him. You turn to your friends and point him out.

“OMG, girl, he IS hot. Go to him,” they say. Then you spend the next 5 minutes debating the best conversation starter/reapplying lip gloss/yanking your shirt down a wee bit lower to show off the girls. When everything is in order (“Do I have anything in my teeth??” you ask your friends as you flash a big, toothy smile), you move in.

Due to some extreme Power Houring before leaving the house, your friends are feeling rather rambunctious. As you make your way to get a drink, they shove you into the boy. Not part of the carefully laid out plan, but that move has been known to work wonders in the past. Read More »

I’m starting to get sick of the bars but I’m not sick of going out so I jumped at the chance to go to a house party on Saturday.

I used to go to them all the time freshman year. We would wander the streets and walk into any house with music playing in hopes that it would be a raging party. 78% of the time it was a couple of seniors sitting around who charged us $10 to share 4 Natty Lights between 8 of us. But once in a while it would be a real house party with music blasting and a basement full of strangers.

Sophomore year I got my fake ID, eventually upgraded to a real ID and began spending my nights out going to the bars. I average 1.5 house parties a year now and they’ve become almost mythological in my mind. While my roommates put on tiny dresses and heels for the bars, I acted like “house party” was a really fun theme party. I threw on a grungy gym t-shirt that totally clashed with my sneakers. I debrushed my hair, and smeared make-up on only parts of my face. My friend who had actually been invited to the party told me I was being offensive; I claimed offensive often gets confused with enthusiasm.

In an effort to save money and be super thrifty I made a vodka-oj water bottle and headed out with my dredded-head held high. We arrived at the party and the sophomore bouncers at the door charged us $4 because there was a live band and unlimited beer. My friends grumbled at the price and discussed just going to the bars. But my outfit said house party and there was no way I was going to give up my dream of a sikk movie-like house party (also I paid less since I had my own drink). Read More »

It’s the weekend. You managed to stay awake through 15 credits worth of lectures. You read a chapter or two. You wrote a paper, a lab report, and an email to your mom asking for some cash. It’s time to let loose! Only problem: there are so many freaking options! Holler for a Dollar at the university pub, or a toga party at the craziest frat house on campus? Let’s break it down.

The Host:

If you show up to a party that you heard about from a friend of a friend of a friend, it can be a tad awkward when you first walk through the door, unless it’s a frat party where you pay at the door. (Show them some money and you’re always on the guest list.)

Of course, at a bar, you always belong. The bartender serves as the host. You always know where to find the him, and he is always willing and able to open the liquor cabinet and serve you. At a house party, the host can be hard to find once they’re mingling with other partygoers, or on the front porch begging the cops not to shut down the party. You don’t want anything to come between you and your booze.

Point: Bar Read More »