It’s SAT season and you know what that means: high school juniors are buckling down and getting ready to take “the most important test of their lives,” the test that will determine whether or not they get into college, the test that will supposedly predict how well they will do there. Now, I don’t know about you ladies, but as a seasoned college student I have to say I think that is a load of ridiculous. I mean vocabulary and problem solving and knowing who the Kardashians are is all well and good, but is it really an accurate portrayal of how a student will do in college?

No. It’s most definitely not.

So we thought we’d help College Board and all those other important SAT people out by offering them a few alternative SAT questions. Real life questions, the kind of questions that college students may encounter on any give college day…

1. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila…

(A) Four (B) Floor (C) Bed (D) Death

2. Beer goggles is a commonly used college expression. Explain the meaning of this phrase and then use it in a sentence.

3. A walk of shame is:

(A) Walking into class after said class has started (B) Walking home during the early hours of the morning in last night’s clothes after spending said night in with a guy (C) Tripping while walking in high heels

4. A steak dinner is to real life as ____ is to college life.

(A) cafeteria food (B) Ramen noodles (C) Chef Boyardee

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Remember when you had to prepare for the SATs? The courses, the books, the tutors, and missing many Saturdays with your friends to take those damn practice tests? Yeah, that totally sucked.

And remember even before that when you were a sophomore and you had to take the PSAT? The Saturday morning spent at school instead of in bed (with reruns of Saved By the Bell), and then that stupid breakdown that told you what your future held (mine said “guidance counselor”)? Yeah, that totally sucked too.

Especially since I hate kids.

Looks like those fools at College Board (those are the people behind the SAT and PSAT, by the way) want to ruin yet another part of your life. This time: middle school. They are sick of losing potential testers to the dreaded ACT (which was so. much. better.), so they decided to rope em in early. Like, in 8th grade.

The College Board claims that this new test will point out areas that students need to work on to be successful in both high school and college, but it is basically just another way to make a few bucks, freak parents the eff out, and piss off 13 year olds across the country.

I may dislike children, but I still feel for them. Another test? There is already plenty of controversy surrounding the validity of the SAT to predict future success, so how can anyone think this test will be any different? And I made it through high school and college successfully without this test, so why burden these poor, defenseless kids (who already have enough to worry about with braces and acne) with another test?!

Just be glad this happened long after we finished all that standardized testing. Although, if College Board has its way, there may be a standardized test for getting a job. Or finding a new apartment. Or having kids.

But maybe that one won’t be so bad.

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