It’s finally happening. Hard as you tried to push it off, you’re graduating. You are taking the big steps, literally, across the stage and into adulthood. To prepare for the big day, you chug a beer spend all morning primping, getting your hair perfectly curled, ironing your new dress, fixing your shoes. Then you cover it all up with that big, overpriced black gown. The gown that could easily fit two more people.

You look at yourself in disgust, then complain to your mom. “I look like a giant square!” you whine. So she soothes you in that sweet, motherly way. Well, unless it’s my mom then it’s an “Everyone does, get over it” kind of way.

True Story: No matter how bangin’ your bod or how figure-friendly your outfit, there’s nothing flattering about a graduation gown. But when you’re standing outside as your grandparents snap 1,637 pictures of you lookin’ round and squat in that rayon muumuu, you can at least take solace in the fact that you’re not wearing this:

Really, though, regardless of what you wear or how much you sweat under that gown, congratulations on this major accomplishment. No, really. We know what you’ve been up to for the past 4 years, so congrats on making it out alive…and ready to take on the real world. Yay, you!

Or at least, you know, pretend to endure. Because while we can’t get out of listening to those speeches, we can make them a little bit more entertaining. Sure you’ll have to sit there quietly and listen to your president speak, listen to the valedictorian speak, and listen to the commencement speaker give his or her big speech. But that doesn’t mean your mind is not allowed to wander right? I mean it’s only natural. So let it wander on over to one of these games.

1. Count the “Likes, Okays, Ums, and Yeas”

Speeches getting boring? That’s okay. Focus on the speech impediments instead. Every speaker has them. Whether it be a tendency to say like far too often, um in between every other word, or phrase every statement like it’s a question, every speaker has one. In high school, I had a math teacher who said “um kay” after every single sentence. I spent many a math class keeping track of just how many times she could say that particular phrase in a 40 minute period. Want a hint? It was well over ninety.

2. Create Your Own Game of Most Likely To…

Take a look around you. This is the class of 2011 looking put together and professional, sitting quietly, smiling happily , and making their parents proud. Today they all look like great little graduates. But you know the truth. You know who they really are, what they do on the weekends, and what their chances of succeeding really are. So instead of listening to your commencement speaker drone on and on about being all you can be, decide what they can be. Create futures for them. Not only is it entertaining, it’s also cathartic.

3. The Congratulations Drinking Game

Really, this one is pretty simple. Take a shot for every time someone says congratulations to you. Now If you’re brave enough to pull the flask out of your gown at graduation, all the more power to you. If you’re not quite that adventurous than keep a tally in your head. And ask your friends to do the same. It will make for a great after party.

4. Play MadLibs with the Commonly Known Phrases

Every college speech uses the same phrases despite how original they try to be. Today begins the rest of your lives. You are the future. Be all that you can be. You’ve worked so hard for this day to finally arrive. Blah, blah, blah. We get it. You know what these speakers are going to say before they even say it. So why not make it a little more interesting by mixing it up a little bit. MadLibs style. Today begins the (adjective)(noun) of your (adjective) lives. Today begins the biggest downfall of your sex lives. How’s that for a commencement speech? Not so inspiring but definitely unexpected

5. Sex It Up

You know those commonly used phrases I just mentioned? Well add a “that’s what she said” at the end of them. Or take a page from the fortune cookie rule and add an “in bed” to the end for good measure. Childish? Yep. Immature? Sure. Entertaining? Absolutely.

Go any other ways to pass the time during those less than entertaining commencement day speeches? 

So there’s a lot of things that come to my mind when I think about graduation. There’s the week of senior festivities that takes place before, and the long, relaxing summer that takes place after. There’s caps and gowns and diplomas and awards and speeches. Lots of speeches.

From the president of your college to your valedictorian there will be a lot of people giving your advice on graduation day, but none more important than the allusive commencement speaker. For some schools, this is just another really long, really boring speech. But for a special few  the commencement speech, and the commencement speaker, is actually pretty great. I know if I went to one of these schools I’d actually be listening to my commencement speaker, not falling asleep in my chair.

Uh, not that I plan on doing that anyway…

When most people (read: adults) think of the ideal commencement speaker, they think of someone inspiring, successful, notorious. When I think of that person, all I can think is: BORING. Come on, college graduation day is already the most bittersweet in every college student’s life; it’s the end of an era, the end of irresponsibility, the end of guilting your parents into buying you things because you’re “so stressed out from exams.” The last thing college seniors want is a 90-minute speech from some politician talking about how the world is their oyster.

Which explains why students at GW have taken it upon themselves to bring in someone a bit more exciting for this year’s commencement. (Read all about the campaign here.) And let’s be honest, who’s more exciting than Charlie Sheen? The guy is from another world, has tiger blood coursing through his veins, and un-addicted himself to drugs just by flipping a switch in his brain. He’s totally WINNING.

Who wouldn’t want that guy bidding them adieu as they enter the real world?

Oh right, the university. It seems the head honchos at GW find Sheen to be a bit too extreme of a speaker. Apparently he’s a terrible example and really has nothing to offer to class of 2011. Which would be a good argument if there weren’t plenty of terrible commencement speakers who have…uh…spoken before him.

I mean, really, it can be a whole lot worse than Charlie Sheen. And it has been.

Well, don’t worry, my friends-who-are-now-joining-me-in-the-real-world; the Internet has got you covered. Here, in only 4 minutes and from the comfort of your very own bed (which you are undoubtedly lying in, crying, surrounded by the crumbs/shrapnel of depressed eating), is a little mashup of this year’s best graduation speeches. Maybe they’ll motivate you or inspire you. Or maybe they’ll just give you four minutes free of tears, fears and anxiety. Either way, enjoy. And congratulations!

(And for all you undergrads who can still call college home, you can enjoy this too. Along with another few years of college. Lucky bastards.)

A very big thanks to the Huffington Post for this rad vid.

If I can speak for most undergrads, we dread graduation day more than the apocalypse itself. It means leaving college and entering the real world, where it won’t be acceptable to beer bong in broad daylight on the roof of a frat house or blow off all your responsibilities to watch an entire season of the Office in bed.

Although the whole “graduating” thing sucks in theory, there’s always a lot of excitement surrounding the commencement speaker (or controversy, if you remember the whole Obama at Notre Dame debacle…). A good speaker can trick you into thinking this isn’t the worst day of your life inspire you to look ahead to the future and all the possibilities that lay ahead (if they’re a huge success, why can’t you be!?). And a bad speaker will allow you a good 45-minute power nap.

So who will be inspired come graduation day and who will be snoozing in their caps and gowns? Here is a list of some serious commencement speaker heavy hitters and the lucky seniors who get to listen to ‘em:

1. University of Michigan – BARACK OBAMA!
Imagine how proud you’d be of your college experience when the freakin’ PRESIDENT of the United States comes to speak at your graduation ceremony!? Everyone knows the man’s got charisma and can work a crowd, and the class of 2010 will definitely remember this for the rest of their lives!

2. NYU – Alec Baldwin
Three words: hot. older. man. Everyone and their mother (literally) will be drooling over him, and if they can pay attention to what he has to say at the same time, I’m sure it will be both hilarious (hello, did you not see him on the Oscars last night) and inspirational. This funny guy is the perfect choice for a commencement speaker. I knew I shoulda gone to NYU…

3. Vassar College – Lisa Kudrow
Could you get a cooler commencement speaker than Phoebe from Friends? I think not. The Emmy winner actually graduated from Vassar in 1985 with a Biology degree and will return to deliver the 2010 commencement address. I’m sure she’ll be delivering inspirational advice in between cracking jokes, and will have the audience doubled over in laughter. I just hope she whips out a guitar and performs a little “Smelly Cat.”

4. Tulane University – Anderson Cooper
Is it me, or does Tulane have all the luck? First Ellen, now Anderson Cooper!? Cooper is one of the most intelligent and fascinating (not to mention strikingly handsome – hellooo, silver fox) people on the news. He actually makes me want to watch it. And his presence at Tulane will certainly hit close to home for a lot of students due to his emotional coverage of the Hurricane Katrina disaster in New Orleans. I don’t know about you, but this is definitely the man I’d want sending me out into the real world.

5. Harvard – David Souter
For those law geeks out there like me, this is pretty damn cool. Souter served 9 years as a Supreme Court Justice, meaning he had a hand in creating and interpreting laws and precedents that will hold for years to come. I imagine those Harvard students will be both educated and fascinated by what this powerful man has to say.

6. Worcester Polytechnic Institute – Curt Schilling
As the only man to ever pitch World Series games across three decades (his 20′s, 30′s and 40′s) I’d say he’s pretty impressive. He lead the Phillies to the World Series in ’03 and won the World Series with the Diamondbacks in 2001 and the Boston Red Sox in 2004 and 2007. But beyond those insane accomplishments, Schilling is just a great role model, using his fame to help multiple charities, as well as his own cause, Curt’s Pitch for ALS. Even though I admittedly hate the Phillies and the Red Sox, Schilling is someone I’d love to listen to come graduation day.

What about you, seniors? Is anyone great coming to speak at your ceremony?

Graduation may be an exciting milestone, but the ceremony itself is far from memorable for most people. Not only is sitting in a cap and gown for three straight hours uncomfortable (especially when it’s hot and that itchy rayon is rubbing against your neck), but the speeches are boring… and they go on forever. Oh, and leaving college is incredibly depressing.

But that whole “boring speech” thing isn’t the case for some lucky graduating classes. Yes, there are a select few schools in this country that had some pretty bomb diggity commencement speakers this year. Speakers who make me sorta wish I could sit through a three hour ceremony getting a weird tanline on my forehead from that ridiculous cap I’d be forced to wear.

Below is a list of the most bad ass commencement speakers of 2009. See, it’s not so bad being the class of ’09!

1) Notre Dame – THE PRESIDENT!!

2) Duke – Ms. Oprah “Free KFC” Winfrey.

3) St. Rose College – Jimmy Fallon (Ok, so he’s not the best at the late night gig, but anyone who can get some laughs during a grad ceremony has my vote.)

4) University of California, Merced – Michelle Obama (Maybe she let students in on her tricep secrets?!)

5) Marshall University – Chad Pennington…who most likely gave his speech through a megaphone.

6) UCLA – James Franco

7) Bucknell – Elie Wiesel (Holocaust Survivor and Nobel Peace Prize Winner)

8 ) Barnard, NYU – Hilary Clinton (Inspirational, motivational, and all done in some monochromatic pantsuit.)

9) University of Michigan - Google Co-Founder and world changer, Larry Page (Those students owe their entire education/abilities to stalk to this genius!)

10) Florida A&M – Bill Clinton (Who probably also partied it up with the students post-ceremony.)

I’m not exactly looking forward to that May day in 2011 when I’ll be sweating myself into oblivion under the hot Durham sun and saying hello to the big, bad real world. But, hey, if any of the guests above (or, um, Josh Holloway from Lost) make it to my graduation, I probably won’t be complaining!