Yum.

Recently, while busily browsing through YourTango, I came across an enlightening post about the ’7 Traits of Irresistible Men.’ I read it in between wistful sighs with my head in my hands…the irresistible man…mmmm. Before I knew it, I was seeing my ideal dude, tossing his thick tresses around under an exotic waterfall.  Mid-gaze he winked at me as a droplet of water fell from his thick black eyelashes…

Woah sorry, was I writing a post?

Then I got to thinking.  There is so much more dimension to the irresistible elements of a college guy than just those 7, albeit irresistible, traits.  Unfortunately, in college we don’t have waterfalls for our boys to stand in or bright enough bars for them to send us a snappy wink from across the room.  But we do have dive bars, florescent lit libraries, dirty frat houses and lots of cute boys to inhabit them.

So I wanted to add on to the list YourTango constructed, because sometimes ‘collegey’ guy turn-ons are the best of all.  And (lucky for us) we don’t even have to leave our campus quad to find them.

College Guy Uniform: I must say, studying all day and a quick PlayStation 2 sesh in the dorm room does a college boy good.  I love it when a guy strolls around campus wearing sweats or mesh shorts and a tee.  There’s just something so delicious about a boy gone casual. They automatically look cool and collected, ready to cuddle in bed with me all day beat the last level on Call of Duty.

College Guy Chivalry: These little notions seem minor, but in a world where chivalry is on its way out, they are totally irresistible.  If they let you go before them in the “Burrito Tuesday” line at the cafeteria.  When they buy you a Bud Light on a Thirsty Thursday…. then they hoist you up on to the bar two hours later so you can get a free one. They make your bed before leaving in the morning. Yeah, swoon.

College Guy Emoticons: Winking is so 2005.   However, winking through semi-colon and parentheses via text makes my heart skip a beat.

College Guy Confidence: There is really something about a college guy whose confidence surpasses arrogance and it’s impossible to resist.  Seriously, he will do anything to impress a woman: shotgunning a Coors, break-dancing to Justin Bieber, or dragging you out to the dance floor to do it with him.  Meanwhile, smitten, you’re getting sprayed with Coors and joining him on the dance floor while he flails his arms around like an idiot. But he doesn’t care and, awww, it’s adorable.

College Guy Bromances: For the most part, a college guy’s relationship with his broskies is actually kind of cute (if you get by the countless hours spent picking the ultimate Fantasy Football team).  Watching them hug it out, grab lunch together, or turn to one another for girl advice is just presh. And the nickname bestowed upon each dude from his buddies? Be still my heart. If his boys love him enough to give him a cute name, how can we not?

Everyone’s got a morning after story (though I’m sure the girl who watched people get it on at a table in front of her wishes she didn’t) and we wanna hear yours! Send it over to us and we’ll post it – anonymously, of course – right here!]

The summer after I graduated from high school I was excited to finally be free from compulsory family vacays to celebrate the 4^th of July. So to celebrate both America’s and my own newfound independence, I went big, I went all out – I went to a house party.

It was the kind of party I look back fondly on in remembrance of high school days. There was cheap vodka, a backup keg, and plenty of top shelf liquor plucked from the generous hostesses’ parents liquor cabinet. The night started out innocently enough, with keg stands, red and blue shots (white didn’t work out the way we’d planned), and plenty of high schoolers bragging about just how wasted they were.

As a mature, soon-to-be-freshman, I was so over the same un-graduated attendees that had been plaguing house parties for the last 4 years of my life. As I lamented the lack of “real men” with my equally sophisticated best friends, the college guys showed up.

There’s always a few; the ones who are so bored to death while visiting home that they will stoop to new lows and attend their buddy’s-little cousin’s-best friend’s party. Easily identifiable by their upscale party attire (not basketball shorts), college hats, and facial hair, heads literally swiveled when this otherwise unremarkable group of 4 guys walked through the door. Sensing the air of competition, the girls and I immediately discussed dibs before pulling down our Hollister tank tops and hiking up our Abercrombie shorts and plastering on our college-girl looks of indifference (an older, wiser friend had previously informed us that smiling makes you look younger).

All that scowling must have done the trick, because a few Keystones later, I was flirting charmingly drunkenly with my favorite undergrad. I could sense he was nervous, given the tendency of high school girls to lie about their age, so to put him at ease I showed him my license (really). Once he had properly satisfied himself that I was legally 18, the sparks flew. Pretty soon we were passionately sucking face on the couch while people took pictures of us, elbowing each other and shouting “FACEBOOK!”

As those with curfews slowly trickled out the door, others disappeared in pairs, and to impress my new friend with my maturity, I suggested we go somewhere a little more private. Unfortunately, a brief (and grope-filled) tour of the house proved every door locked and every bathroom –ahem—occupied. I suggested we take things outdoors for a little lovin’ au natural to find the Jacuzzi in use and the pool honestly too disgusting to swim in, let alone hook up in. And as we made our way deeper and deeper into the back yard, we saw it: a trampoline.

Needless to say, we “jumped” at the opportunity and “hopped” right on (OK I’ll stop now). The hookup got off to a rocky start (I had to feign preference for his school’s football rival to get him to go down on me), but finished with a bang—literally. Our hookup happened to coincide with the last of the night’s illegal fireworks displays, leading to my newfound appreciation for the missionary position (he missed the show, but judging by the look on his face, I don’t think he minded).

After bouncing our way off the trampoline and tiptoeing back through the house around passed out 16-year-olds, I walked him to the door and bade him a happy 5^th of July and goodbye for what I thought was forever. He ended up transferring schools and I still see him at the library; on those occasions I have to suppress the urge to salute him.

College is full of trial and error. And sadly we find ourselves running into a lot more error than we desire. Being stood up by that guy who we thought was really into us rings a bell. As does spending an entire night and next morning (okay and maybe the afternoon too) puking our guts out.

Eventually, we get a hang of things, but it would’ve been really nice to have some basic knowledge under our belts before we started. And since we are so caring, and so pissed off that no one did it for us, we’ve decided to let the next generation of college girls in on some scared knowledge that will save them a lot of trouble, and in some cases embarrassment, come freshman year and beyond.

1) When a boy wants to study, he does not want to study. When he wants to see a movie he does not want to watch a movie. When he wants to take you to dinner, he does not want to take you to dinner. The ultimate motive of every college guy is sex. When they ask you to do anything, replace the request with sex, if you’re okay with that proposal, then “eat,” “watch” and “study” away. If you would never dream of going there with this guy, then decline promptly, or he will make a move, and you will be caught in an awkward situation.

2) Nothing in the caf is healthy. You’ve been eating salads and sandwiches for 2 months, how could you have put on the freshman 15?! Cafeteria food is not your mother’s cooking. Everything about it is processed. That dressing you’re putting on your salad is going right to your thighs and the meat on the sandwich is far from lean. Save yourself the stress (and the stretch marks) and make your own food. If you are on a meal plan (we are very sorry for you) skip dressings, breaded meats and desserts of any kind. You. Will. Gain. Weight. End of story.

3) You don’t have to be completely wasted to have fun. It might seem like the girl who’s always drunk is sucking the most life out of college. This is where you are wrong. We aren’t saying to not drink, a buzz is always fun, and pretty much every nightlife activity is more fun tipsy (okay some daytime activities too). But drinking to the point of severe inebriation is unhealthy, unsafe and will have you kissing the toilet all night.

4) Beware of alcohol mixing. Everyone’s stomach is different. I have friends who can take a shot of vodka, have a margarita, and then down a can of Budweiser as their nightcap without having as much as a headache the next day. I also know girls who have a tequila shot and some jungle juice and start regurgitating it before they can get home. Don’t find out what your stomach can’t handle the hard way.

5) Don’t forget home. It is easy to get wrapped up in college life. It’s really exciting, we know! But don’t forget the things that have been the most important to you up until this point! Make it a habit to check in with your friends form home once every couple of weeks, the mode of communication is up to you (text, Facebook chat them, BBM…). This will save you hurt feelings and arguments come holiday breaks when you call them for the first time in 3 months. And don’t forget about your family. You parents’ hearts are already breaking now that their baby is grown up, don’t pour alcohol on the wound by never answering their calls. Plus, good children who call their mother are usually the ones receiving care packages filled with homemade cookies and extra cash.

What other tips would you guys give to the next generation of college girls to save them the hassle of figuring it out on their own?

Every Monday, CollegeCandy does a top ten countdown, Letterman style, about whatever everyone’s buzzing about. This week, we’ve decided to dissect the party animals we’ve all come to know and….well, just know.

We’ve all been at the sticky-floored keggers, so here’s a rundown of the ten types of dudes you’ll find at these parties. Every single party. Every single time.  Print this out and bring it to the next frat/house party to check these guys off as you see them. You can even turn it into a drinking game, taking shots as they pass. Although, on second thought, that might be a one-way ticket to alcohol poisoning.

10. The Loner Stoner
Sometimes accompanied by a few of their kind, this person will continually ask for weed (even when he has it the whole time) and the only goal of the night, despite the party going on around him, is to get baked, blast music and maybe flick on the TV to catch some “Planet Earth.” They want everyone to just “chill out” and usually get into arguments about why pot is so much better/healthier/just totally sweet compared to alcohol.

9. “NEEDS” to get laid guy
He’s only here for one reason: He. Wants. Ass. He’ll hit on you, all your friends and pretty much anyone with a set of boobs. If no one responds to this predator, he’ll complain loudly that all the girls at the party are ugly and lame and will proceed to text every female in his phone. Avoid like the plague. Pro? He’ll buy your drinks. Con? He won’t leave you alone until you go home with him. Where you’ll probably catch something.

8. Donnie Downer
Moping and clutching a microbrew. Just try and start a conversation with this guy that doesn’t turn into something about how terrible his week is or some awful tragedy in the news. He’s also most likely bitching about the music and secretly wishing someone would put on some Bright Eyes. Points if you get him to admit he likes Brand New.

7. Game Runner
This guy is super serial about beer bong, flip cup, or whatever card game is on. He is the self-proclaimed BEST at all games involving cheap beer and Solo cups. When he wins, everyone knows. When he loses, he’ll blame his teammates. He is el capitano and is definitely the one that started that absurd “beer pong sign up sheet.” Statements of note: “I play way better when I’m drunk,” “This one time, me and my buddy were playing pong,” “This one time, I was playing flip cup.” Yeah, you can see where this is going.

6. Booze Hound
He might be sneaky about it, but this kid will put away every drop of alcohol given the opportunity. It might not even show, but the twelve pack that you bought? Gone. The handle of vodka in the freezer? Disappeared. The keg? Empty. His thirst for booze is never quenched. Bonus? Always down for shots. Hell yeah!

5. Couch Potato
Anti social, pretending to text people when he’s really just checking baseball stats on his iPhone, permanently glued to the couch and only speaking when spoken to? Yup, that’s the party couch potato. He’ll drink his face off with the best of us, provided he doesn’t have to move. Even if he may or may not be interesting, his shyness and social ineptness is often mistaken for mystery.

4. The Douche
Drunk and disorderly, the Douche is usually spotted with his hand on some girl’s ass, brawling in the street, shouting obscenities at everyone who walks in, or simply breaking everything in sight. Usually not the best person to send a Facebook invite to when you’re hosting a luau, unless you want a knife fight in leis.

3. Chain smoker
“Does anyone want to go outside for a cigarette with me?” And then proceed to smoke two packs in under an hour? Blech.

2. Social whore
Immediately friends everyone he meets at a party on Facebook. Points if he adds you on his Blackberry the moment he meets you. He knows “EVERYONE” and the “entire hockey/lacrosse/football team are at his parties.” Generally harmless, but don’t be fooled – he is just as much your best friend as he is everyone else’s.

1. “That Guy”
Embodies all of the above and brings it to the most obnoxious level possible. Sweating through his polo and yelling profanities, “that guy” will manage to drink all the booze, get thrown out of multiple bars/parties, hit on every girl using ridiculous pick up lines, chain smoke someone else’s cigarettes, take huge bong hits, mess up the flip cup game, somehow control both the music and TV, break bottles and finally pass out in his own vomit after attempting to chug the contents of a ketchup bottle, believing it to be vodka. Props if you go home with “that guy.” Babysitting experience is a must.

Melanie currently interning in NYC, taking full advantage of all margarita specials and those blonde summer boys. Stalk her on Twitter: @tinkermellie