These things should be given out at freshman orientation.

It’s SAT season and you know what that means: high school juniors are buckling down and getting ready to take “the most important test of their lives,” the test that will determine whether or not they get into college, the test that will supposedly predict how well they will do there. Now, I don’t know about you ladies, but as a seasoned college student I have to say I think that is a load of ridiculous. I mean vocabulary and problem solving and knowing who the Kardashians are is all well and good, but is it really an accurate portrayal of how a student will do in college?

No. It’s most definitely not.

So we thought we’d help College Board and all those other important SAT people out by offering them a few alternative SAT questions. Real life questions, the kind of questions that college students may encounter on any give college day…

1. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila…

(A) Four (B) Floor (C) Bed (D) Death

2. Beer goggles is a commonly used college expression. Explain the meaning of this phrase and then use it in a sentence.

3. A walk of shame is:

(A) Walking into class after said class has started (B) Walking home during the early hours of the morning in last night’s clothes after spending said night in with a guy (C) Tripping while walking in high heels

4. A steak dinner is to real life as ____ is to college life.

(A) cafeteria food (B) Ramen noodles (C) Chef Boyardee

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"Cheers to spending an extra 40 minutes on a Spin bike this week!"

Let’s all have a “come to Jesus” (or in my case, Moses) moment here and get real for a minute. Have you ever really thought about how many calories you consume in a single night of fun?

We all know that drinking adds extra calories. I mean, how many times have we heard someone tell us “If you want to lose weight, cut out alcohol”? But let’s face it, for a lot of us, that is pretty much asking us to give up going to college.

So what do we do? We make up for our weekend activities by making cuts in our week day diets.  But much like we underestimate how many shoes we have in our closest when debating a new purchase of totally adorable must-have-them-now sparkly pumps, we also tend to underestimate how much we’re actually drinking/eating on the weekends. We factor in our estimated calories in a very sober state, often forgetting what happens when we transition from sober to, well, not so much.

– Are you thinking about all those extra beers you drank when everyone decided to play flip-cup?

– Do you think about the gallon of Gatorade you chugged after you downed nearly a bottle of tequila?

– Do you even remember the small pizza you ate when you got home…in bed… as your roommates force-fed you water?

Yes, we’ve all been there and we all know what it’s like to drink/eat more than we anticipated and then be frustrated when it shows in the scale the following week. So here is some drink for thought: If you don’t want to pack on the extra pounds in college, you gotta be realistic about how much you’re really going to drink/eat on your nights out and make up for those extra calories somewhere else during the week.

Let me break it all down for ya and offer some healthy ways to offset that “MOST EPIC SATURDAY NIGHT, EVER!”

Like every Thursday night (or Monday…or Tuesday…or any day, really), you finish your reading for the night, eat a little dinner and start the pre-party for another night at the bar.

You mix a few drinks before you head out in attempts to get a good buzz going. There is nothing worse than battling a bar crowd completely sober and, hey, 3 drinks at home saves you some serious dough on drinks at the bar.

When you finally make it past the line and the bouncer poring over your (fake) ID at the door, you breathe a sigh of relief, grab your friends and beeline to the bartender. Your friends mosey over to an opening directly in front of you, but you do not take it. Instead you walk to the other side of the bar where there are a few guys waiting for drinks and wedge yourself between them.

You turn on the charm, yank your shirt down to show a little cleavage, bat your eyelashes and strike up a conversation. These guys aren’t cute – far from it – but you aren’t lookin’ for booty. You’re lookin’ for loot. In the form of a Vodka Red Bull. Read More »

After spending a good chunk of yesterday in a dark, dingy basement bar with no windows, I started thinking.

Thought #1: I’m never drinking again

Thought #2: This bathroom floor is far to gross to lay on while I attempt to rid my stomach of too many green sharkbowls.

Thought #3: Wow, that dude I made out with was really gross. Who knew I had a thing for long beards and mohawks when I’m drunk?!

Thought #4: PIZZAAAAAAA.

Alcohol makes us do some pretty stupid things. Like peeing in public places, flashing people (yes, I saw a girl doing that…at a restaurant), and finding the most unattractive of people simply irresistible. Read More »

College brings a whole lot of new experiences, new lessons and new people. But it seems that no matter what school you go to, there are same characters on every campus:

The Unofficial

Have you noticed that guy who trails three feet away from the girl who has a steady boyfriend? Or that girl who silently stalks the team player? Yup, they are The Unofficial.

The Unofficial is the guy or girl who is not the main entrée of the relationship. He or she is the appetizer before the main entrée… or maybe just the wilted salad. They are the one that someone turns to in order to curb their hunger before the main relationship meal.

The unofficial is whispered about by his/her friends and acquaintances. He/she is not appreciated for intelligence or personality; they are more often likened to slabs of meat waiting to be used.

The Unofficial is usually a promiscuous guy or girl who seeks attention from the opposite sex. There are no limits to their seduction tactics. The target is always someone in a relationship and the ultimate goal is to steal the title. Unfortunately, all they get is a little physical attention and a whole lotta false hope. Read More »

Oh, Welcome Week. That celebration of the college lifestyle, once taken for granted and now fully appreciated after a loooooong summer at home. Apart from the slow torture that is moving into your new apartment/dorm room, the week before school starts is rife with opportunity to exercise your renewed (or newfound) freedom to be drunk whenever. you. please.

The beauty of this situation is that it does allow you to do Patron shots at 2 pm; the drawback is that it creates the perfect opportunity for you to employ some…self control. While the former is deff a fun and adventurous route (see your tagged Facebook pics for evidence), it’s not always the smartest way to kick off your fall semester. After all, there is something to be said for NOT getting knackered your first week back at school–here’s why…

5. You’ll Look Like a Freshman

Characterized by lack of regional fashion knowledge, deer-in-headlights look and–of course–INCREDIBLY inebriated state of being. Obviously, this is not what you want to look like while you’re out on the town. Even if this is your very first week in college (Congrats & welcome!), the frosh look is still one you’ll want to avoid. Instead, keep it classy, limit yourself to a few drinks (or none at all if you wish) and enjoy the amazing feeling of being a sophisticated, very adult-like lady. Read More »

Recently, some friends of mine have diagnosed themselves as lactose intolerant. One realized that milk in her coffee could result in hours of pain, the other was a lapsed vegan and spent an evening in the fetal position after reintroducing dairy to her routine. We went for frozen yogurt on a perfect May Saturday, and after her first bite of her tiny cup of Tasti D, she sighed. “It’s sooo good, but it’s going to hurt so much later. Can’t believe I forgot my Lactaid.”

As I took another bite of my own frozen yogurt, I couldn’t help but feel guilty for suggesting ice cream. She had only mentioned it in passing once, and I had completely forgotten about her allergy. Read More »