Like every Thursday night (or Monday…or Tuesday…or any day, really), you finish your reading for the night, eat a little dinner and start the pre-party for another night at the bar.

You mix a few drinks before you head out in attempts to get a good buzz going. There is nothing worse than battling a bar crowd completely sober and, hey, 3 drinks at home saves you some serious dough on drinks at the bar.

When you finally make it past the line and the bouncer poring over your (fake) ID at the door, you breathe a sigh of relief, grab your friends and beeline to the bartender. Your friends mosey over to an opening directly in front of you, but you do not take it. Instead you walk to the other side of the bar where there are a few guys waiting for drinks and wedge yourself between them.

You turn on the charm, yank your shirt down to show a little cleavage, bat your eyelashes and strike up a conversation. These guys aren’t cute – far from it – but you aren’t lookin’ for booty. You’re lookin’ for loot. In the form of a Vodka Red Bull.

You talk about classes, you talk about how badly you could use a drink, you complain about how long the bartender is taking, you grab some biceps and gush over how big they are. And between all of that, you make sure to keep that cleavage out there and draw attention to those perfectly glossed lips of yours. It doesn’t take long for one of the (very intoxicated) boys takes a liking to you.

“Want a shot?” he asks.

Of  course you want a shot. He orders a round. You cheers with him and his boys and throw that Kamikaze back like a champ. He is impressed. You talk a little more and he orders another round. You take another shot. You are now drunk. Mission accomplished.

You start thinking of an excuse to get away. After all, you got what you came for and now it’s time to move on. You go over your favorite excuses in your head: you could claim you have to go find your friends, or go to the bathroom (“I should have never broken the seal!”), or that you just realized you forgot to let your dog out. You decide to go with the friends and let him know that you’ll be back in a few.

But you don’t go back. Instead you take your drunk ass to the dance floor and shake what your mama gave you to a little “Poker Face.” You are having a great time with the girls when Mr. Kamikaze spots you on the dance floor and makes his way over.

Your friends drag you away to another part of the dance floor but he follows. Then he follows you to the bathroom, to the tables, and back to the bar. You do everything you can to get away from this guy (“My boyfriend is going to be here soon!”), but he just won’t leave you alone. You spend the rest of the night playing hide and seek with the boy until he eventually gets the hint (or the spins) and goes home.

You spend the rest of the evening laughing with your friends and seeking out another guy to fix your now-waning drunkness.

What? This whole college lifestyle gets expensive! You gotta do what you gotta do.
We’ve all been there and there is nothing wrong with being savvy.

After spending a good chunk of yesterday in a dark, dingy basement bar with no windows, I started thinking.

Thought #1: I’m never drinking again

Thought #2: This bathroom floor is far to gross to lay on while I attempt to rid my stomach of too many green sharkbowls.

Thought #3: Wow, that dude I made out with was really gross. Who knew I had a thing for long beards and mohawks when I’m drunk?!

Thought #4: PIZZAAAAAAA.

Alcohol makes us do some pretty stupid things. Like peeing in public places, flashing people (yes, I saw a girl doing that…at a restaurant), and finding the most unattractive of people simply irresistible.

Just ask my guy friend who flirted with one total hottie all day and ended up taking home a girl (who had facial hair resembling that of my own St. Patty’s Day makeout) who spent 6 hours sitting at the bar eating chicken tenders.

Seriously, I know.

We all have that mortifying makeout story (or, in my case, 12), so let’s share! Get it off your chest. Let it all out. Think of it as therapy – a release for you, and a much-needed midweek laugh for the rest of us.

The Unofficial

Have you noticed that guy who trails three feet away from the girl who has a steady boyfriend? Or that girl who silently stalks the team player? Yup, they are The Unofficial.

The Unofficial is the guy or girl who is not the main entrée of the relationship. He or she is the appetizer before the main entrée… or maybe just the wilted salad. They are the one that someone turns to in order to curb their hunger before the main relationship meal.

The unofficial is whispered about by his/her friends and acquaintances. He/she is not appreciated for intelligence or personality; they are more often likened to slabs of meat waiting to be used.

The Unofficial is usually a promiscuous guy or girl who seeks attention from the opposite sex. There are no limits to their seduction tactics. The target is always someone in a relationship and the ultimate goal is to steal the title. Unfortunately, all they get is a little physical attention and a whole lotta false hope.

The Unofficial has a reputation for being “unofficial” to a lot of people. The Unofficial is so named because he/she is a serial side piece. Unofficial-ism may even last for years! He/she has never been in a real relationship and make themselves and others believe they are free spirits. They claim to be able to jump from person to person (even if that person is in a relationship) performing “acts of love” without fear of repercussion, guilt or shame.

He/she is a not a bad person – just someone with inferior morals, low self esteem or a longing to be loved by the one they admire. Who always happens to be in love with someone else. The unofficial would do anything to become the main squeeze. But the main squeeze they will never be. Instead, they will stand by as their target moves into other relationships, watching from a not-so-safe distance.

In many cases, The Unofficial is also transitional, though not to be confused with the rebound. The rebound is someone who has a chance of being the official girl or guy. That is not that case for The Unofficial. If the target male or female is suddenly single, The Unofficial warms the bench until the star player arrives. The Unofficial/ will never actually become an official. They just do not have the qualities.

The beauty of this situation is that it does allow you to do Patron shots at 2 pm; the drawback is that it creates the perfect opportunity for you to employ some…self control. While the former is deff a fun and adventurous route (see your tagged Facebook pics for evidence), it’s not always the smartest way to kick off your fall semester. After all, there is something to be said for NOT getting knackered your first week back at school–here’s why…

5. You’ll Look Like a Freshman

Characterized by lack of regional fashion knowledge, deer-in-headlights look and–of course–INCREDIBLY inebriated state of being. Obviously, this is not what you want to look like while you’re out on the town. Even if this is your very first week in college (Congrats & welcome!), the frosh look is still one you’ll want to avoid. Instead, keep it classy, limit yourself to a few drinks (or none at all if you wish) and enjoy the amazing feeling of being a sophisticated, very adult-like lady.

4.It’s a Small World After All

If you’re a regular around here, you’ll know how we feel about the not-so-randomness of college. While it might seem like an excellent idea to get schwasted and enjoy the anonymity that campus life offers, think twice before you go all out. The people you meet now may be unfamiliar and seem random, but 3 months from now, the same crowd will still be at their (and your) favorite bar. Just beware that while you think you’ll never see each other again, the odds of running into them (via class, outings, football games) are quite high…just be careful of the impression you make.

3.Sorority Recruitment

If you are a PNM (potential new member) BEWARE of going out and letting your wild side loose. Yes you’ve been cooped up at home fresh out of 12 years of academic lameness, but now is not the time to go crazy, especially when it comes to drinking. The best rule of thumb you can use to govern your behavior is to think of rush as a job interview.

You wouldn’t want the head of your dream job to witness you making a complete ass out of yourself, so just be conscious of the impression you’ll make on the active members of your Greek community while out at the bars–because rush is essentially an interview. Another FYI: Sorority women have eyes in the back of their head, even if you think you’re getting away with less than appropriate behavior, trust me–there will be a witness (aka sister!) somewhere.

2. Recovery come first day of school

Let’s not forget the reason you’re at college! Um, education. So yes, this is a freebie week for you to enjoy being back at school with all of your friends, but that hangover is going to kick in at some point and you absolutely do not want it to be your first day of classes. Your semester should take precedence over your partying, so make sure you prioritize buying books over buying rounds for everyone at the bar.

1. Your Reputation

This goes back to college not being the big huge nameless place you thought it was. Your good name is something that, once tarnished, you can never get back. By establishing yourself that first week back as the girl who holds the record for most vomit-inducing drink combinations, you pretty much eliminate the need for any other reps. (like smartest, most beautiful, classiest woman alive).

I’m not saying the inclination to drink anyone under the table and ability to recite impromptu Shakespeare can’t coexist, but the two sides of your personality will absolutely duel for recognition from your peers. So if you want to go down in history for being the Irish Car Bomb champion of the bar, go right ahead. Just be wary that your title might be harder to shake than you might think.

As I took another bite of my own frozen yogurt, I couldn’t help but feel guilty for suggesting ice cream. She had only mentioned it in passing once, and I had completely forgotten about her allergy.

My friends are just regular twenty-somethings, not people my parents’ age who have a million and twelve other health problems. They work and play just like the rest of us, but it’s just not quite so simple. Digestive problems can be embarrassing, especially if you’re young and feel like you should be living as though you’re invincible. While you may not want to ‘miss out’ on things because of your allergy, making your mantra “No pain, no gain,” stop and think about it before signing on for a horrendous stomach ache. No one wants to see their friends hurt, and no one wants to be an enabler to that process by demanding you join them for pizza at 3 AM when you’re going to be in agony later.

An allergy can take the fun you may have associated with food and kick it aside. Every meal is a calculation, its own challenge, and eating becomes like work. What sounds good? Okay, now what sounds good but has no dairy? It seems so easy to say “avoid dairy products,” but think about the list you’re dealing with. It’s not just saying no to ice cream and grilled cheese. It’s kissing butter, milk (even in tea or coffee), cheese, yogurt, chocolate, frosting, sour cream, cream cheese, and foods made with them in excess, goodbye, and spending hours trying to figure out how exactly to replace them. No wonder vegans are so thin, there’s almost nothing they can eat. And the dairy replacements are expensive.

Fortunately, books like Skinny Bitch (which we’ve talked about before, and admittedly isn’t for everybody) serve as a great resource for people who need to find alternatives to the foods they love. Just because you have an allergy doesn’t mean you should have to spend every meal eating foods you hate. You just have to get a little creative, which isn’t necessarily fair, but at least leaves you with some options.

The Food and Drug Administration has a website devoted to explaining lactose intolerance in full, and there are forums online for people affected by this allergy, such as these here at Topix and here at Revolution Health. Please let us know how you or people you know have kept a food allergy from holding you back!