Easy on the soda water, homegirl.

A couple of days ago three bars at Penn State were fined for “lack of alcohol training.”

What?!

What exactly were those bartenders doing wrong to piss off the authorities? How hard is it to open a bottle of Bud Light or mix vodka and tonic together? It’s not like us college kids are ordering difficult drinks like mudslides and daiquiris at the bar. I think I speak for all of us when I say the only qualities I’m looking for in a bartender are speed and a heavy hand (well, the hand that’s holding the booze). And if they’re a bit slow at math and can’t add my tab correctly, that’s OK too.

The thing is, bartender experience is the least important offense when it comes to college bars. There are far more pressing and disturbing issues that should be addressed. And fined. And fixed!

The Line
I don’t mind waiting in line if the bar is hopping – I’ll just sip my 40 while I wait – but making people stand in line when the bar is empty only to make it look cooler? That should be illegal.

Watered Down Drinks
I did not pay $7 for soda on ice; if I wanted that I would go to the McDonalds down the street and get unlimited refills for a dollar. If I order a Cran-Vodka, I want it to sting as it goes down, not taste like I could put in my 3 year old cousin’s sippy-cup. So stop filling my mini-cup with ice to make me think I’m getting more booze and tip that bottle in there. I’m paying you more for this one drink than a full bottle at the liquor store so stop being so damn stingy. Read More »

When it came to house parties, my roommates and I pulled out all the stops. We wanted our soirees to stand out and be memorable so we always chose a theme. We threw a bat mitzvah party (homemade t-shirts and some chair lifts and all) for my non Jewish roommate’s 19th birthday. We had a costume parties. We had a Jell-o wrestling tournament. And when winter set in, we asked everyone to pull out their finest dresses and ties and come over for a cocktail party.

It was a classy affair with brie, wine and champagne.  Everyone looked fabulous as we mingled to the sounds of Frank Sinatra playing from my laptop.

As with most college parties, our friends brought their friends – people we didn’t know – but we welcomed them with open arms and strong vodka cocktails. Read More »

Every week I make a list. Not a grocery list or a to-do list, because I don’t really do groceries (Pad Thai take out, helloooo) and to-do lists are totally not my scene, if such a scene even exists. No, this list is a top ten-style countdown about the hard-hitting issues, like which mash-ups are the best ever.

This week, as a partner to The Ten Types of Guys at the Party, I’ve decided to include the female version. All in good fun, ladies! Who am I missing?

10. The Diva.
This girl is at the party, but she is DEFINITELY not trying to party. Pouting with her manicured fingers and heavily lined eyes glued to her cell, Diva will only speak to her tight-knit group of friends dressed in very similar outfits. She will not partake in any of the drinking games, she will not hook up with any guys and she will roll her eyes at those who do. Then she will leave an hour later to go off somewhere “cooler,” “more mature,” and just worthy of her time. 

9. The “Innocent” one
Dressed conservatively and drinking a microbrew or weak cocktail, this doll-faced darling looks like she’d rather be holed up in the library than at this very party. Wrong. She goes from “virgin” to skank in 3.5 drinks and will hook up with your boyfriend and cry about it later. Beware of the victim-playing. This girl is faker than her “leather” shoes and has run through more guys than Paris Hilton. Read More »

We all know that in the world of college nightlife, pretty much anything goes. People drink until they pass out, wake up with penis drawn across their forehead and spend the next day puking their guts out while they plan an alternate route to class so they can avoid the guy they played tonsil hockey with all night.

And that’s totally normal.

But believe it or not, there is a line on that sticky, beer soaked carpet underneath all of the red cups and vomit that can indeed be crossed. Don’t be one of the troublesome party patrons who takes it from acceptable (in the college world, of course) to completely wrong and gross and totally unacceptable party behaivor.

Acceptable: Making out in a corner
We all know one of the main reasons anyone even goes to parties is to hook up. It’s expected that at any given point throughout the night there will be someone in some corner getting busy. Lucky them.
Unacceptable: Getting dry-humped against a wall
There is a point where you should excuse yourself and stumble on back to your own twin sized bed. No one wants to dodge hip thrusts to get to the punch bowl garbage can. Read More »

After four outfit changes, 3 drinks and two near faceplants on the sidewalk (thank you, heels), you finally make it to the party. You’ve got a good buzz going, and an even greater cleavage situation thanks to Victoria and her secrets.

You push your way through the throngs of people, looking for some booze your friends. You stop and do the “Heeyyyyy!” with some people you know along the way, but keep things moving in the direction of the keg calling your name in the corner of the kitchen.

You grab a cup (of the red Solo variety) and get in line. The guy ahead of you is filling three cups – and also happens to be quite attractive – so you offer to help him out a bit. Soon you’re pumping the tap as he fills his cups, sharing a laugh at the drunk girl grinding against the fridge’s expense. He waits with you while you fill your own cup, then the two of you walk together into the living room where his friends are. Read More »

7 days of keg stands? Heaven.

There is a holiday that exists that, in my heart, surpasses Christmas and even Halloween (which is a pretty bad ass holiday, because it involves drinking, candy, and costumes).  This holiday is Welcome Week.  Oh yes, that’s a holiday, even if it isn’t recognized by calenders or…anyone who doesn’t go to college.  Every school thinks they do Welcome Week the best (and mine actually does, obvs – go green!) and every student does their best to wipe the slate clean (with alcohol) before classes start.

Now that the end of summer is in sight (thank gawd, I’m so over sweating) and the prospect of yet another semester looms, I am comforted by the fact that before any and all scholastic activities commence I will be obliterated for an entire week.  Oh, the wonders of Welcome Week!  For those of you who don’t know, everyone arrives to school a week early, throws their boxes in a corner of their dorm room and immediately contacts whomever can buy them alcohol.  Then the awesomeness begins.

At my school, tradition dictates that you never sleep in your own dorm during Welcome Week (you just pass the night wherever you had your last drink…usually on the floor of some dorm room/frat house/dirty apartment).  In fact, you rarely sleep.  Instead, your time is spent eating all the junk food you forgot about over the summer and bumping into anyone and everyone with whom you’ve ever had a class, lived in the same building, or hooked up (oh, the joys of bumping into a former one-night stand when you’re all sweaty and half buzzed from the night before).  Oh yeah, and drinking. Read More »

"12 more hours of this? I can handle it. I'm sotally tober..."

You’ve got a big day planned: early morning breakfast, football pre-party, football game, then out on the town with your homies.  18 hours of boozing? Psssssh. It may sound like a lot, but you’ve been training for a day like this since you stepped foot on campus.

You set your alarm for 7 a.m. then run around the house screaming at your roommates to get out of bed.

“It’s party time! Get up!” You turn on all the lights, bump your iTunes and head down to the kitchen for a power breakfast. You search for the carbiest things you can find, then shove a half frozen bagel into your mouth and wash it down with some OJ, the only non-alcoholic beverage you will have for the day. You don’t have time for chewing; you have an outfit to pick out.

Once your stomach is good and coated you head back to your room to prepare for the day.
Appropriate drinking outfit? Check.
ID? Check.
Camera? Check.
Small flask that fits into your purse but can still get past campus security? Cheeeck.

You head back downstairs and begin mixing cocktails for the roommates. Slowly, they make their way to the kitchen where you are waiting for them, drinks in hand.

After everyone’s buzz has been kick-started (thanks to your force feeding), you take some much-needed selfies then head out to your pre-game of choice. Once there, the drinks come quickly: shots of Captain’s straight from the bottle, cans of Keystone straight from the funnel, and 2 games of flip cup…all before 10 am.

You’re feeling good, like a rock star.

“I LOVE DAY DRINKING!” You scream. “This party’s goin’ all. night. long!” Read More »

Every Monday, CollegeCandy does a top ten countdown, Letterman style, about whatever everyone’s buzzing about. This week, we’ve decided to dissect the party animals we’ve all come to know and….well, just know.

We’ve all been at the sticky-floored keggers, so here’s a rundown of the ten types of dudes you’ll find at these parties. Every single party. Every single time.  Print this out and bring it to the next frat/house party to check these guys off as you see them. You can even turn it into a drinking game, taking shots as they pass. Although, on second thought, that might be a one-way ticket to alcohol poisoning. Read More »

You waited in the line outside the party hoping the 3 frat guys with low self-esteem and big muscles manning the door would notice your short skirt/cleavage combo and let you inside. Once you got the point and nod from d-bag #1, you breeze past the fortress gate (a card table littered with empty beer cans) and dance your way (litarally) into the overcrowded party.

A wave of humid, stale air hits you the minute you step inside. You feel your hair instantly frizzing up. But the room is dark and every girl in there is suffering from the frizzies, so you pull it back, grab a few cans of (crappy) beer from yet another muscley frat boy and get your party on.

You’re dancing, sweating, having a good time when it hits you: you have to pee. And not just a little bit. A lot a bit.
As in, one more bump and grind and it will be dripping down your leg. You grab your friend, pull her close and scream into her ear, “BATHROOM!??” The music is so loud, though, she can’t hear you.

“WHAT?!” She mouths as she gets low, low, low, with a guy with giant pit stains. You try screaming again, but it’s no use. So you break out the gestures, pointing to your bladder then pointing in the direction of the stairs. She finally gets it, leaves her perspiring prince behind and joins you in the hunt for a clean-ish bathroom.

You climb the stairs, passing couples making out along the way. As you near the top you see a long string of girls lining the hallway. Obviously, this is the line for the bathroom. And obviously, you have no choice but to wait in it (because, unlike those boys, you can’t just head outside and empty your bladder into a bush). Read More »

Now that Kate’s not around, he has a chance to say something.

Whose high school pics are these?

Best and worst schools for a kegger.

What is ear candling?

Sandra Bullock looks super fine on the cover of Glamour.

WTF is Joe Jonas doing?