Getting dumped sucks. The only thing worse is getting dumped with some vague, cliché breakup line. You know the kind – they’re sugar coated, indirect, and straight from a Friends rerun. We can thank TV and movies for offering a plethora of lame excuses to the male population to recycle over and over again instead of offering us the real reason why they are ending our perfect romance.

Sound familiar? Luckily, these lines can be decoded, so grab that pint of Phish Food and read on for some clarity.

You’re Too Good For Me

Translation: I’m Too Good For You
He thinks he deserves someone better and is attempting to slip out of the relationship without having to do too much damage control. Whether or not he really means it, you probably are too good for him.

It’s Bad Timing Right Now

Translation: You’re Not Worth the Effort
What’s better than having a girlfriend at your side during a stressful off-season, a nasty econ class or whatever else college throws your way? Nothing, if you actually value the relationship. When life gets hectic, you make time for the important stuff and tend to get rid of the things that don’t matter much, like a girlfriend you’re not super excited about.

It’s Not You, It’s Me

Translation: It’s Not Me, It’s All You
Ah yes, the classic. We’ve all heard of someone using this, or worse, muttered those words ourselves (guilty). Sure it’s a gracious attempt to ease the pain but really just kind of lame. When someone says this they really mean to say, “When you get super jealous all the time it pushes me away,” or “I am just not that into you,” but self-blame seems to be an easier way out. It’s over so move on.

I Don’t Want To Lose My Best Friend

Translation: The Sex Really Wasn’t As Hot As I Thought It Would Be

It’s plea to go back to the friend zone, which may or not may be possible. He may love venting to you and discussing his problems, but the sex was just terrible. The friend to girlfriend development just didn’t pan out as he’d hoped.

I like You So Much, But I’m Scared of Commitment

Translation: You’re Cool But I’d Rather Hook Up Whomever I’d Like Until Someone Great Comes Along.
He doesn’t feel like committing to you while he can still attract all of the other babes on campus. Why attempt this? Because without the title he gets you (while you wait for him to change) and he can act as he pleases at all of the college parties. Then when someone does tickle his fancy or he gets tired of the lonely frat-star life, his fear of commitment will suddenly change. After you of course.

This Is Moving Too Fast

Translation: I’ve Got A Stage Five Clinger!
Excessively sending FB relationship requests and dropping the word boyfriend before officially having “the talk” pushed him far away. He wanted to keep things casual but that’s not what you were hoping for. Result? Break up.

I’m Not Looking For a Relationship Right Now

Translation: I Am Looking For a Relationship Right Now, Just Not With You
You don’t want to waste your time in a relationship that won’t go anywhere anyway. It’s not right, so call up the next hottie in your contacts list.

Look, these may sound harsh, but the truth hurts. And you know what? So does getting dumped, no matter how it’s packaged. So accept the harsh reality and move on. The quicker you get over it (and get your head out of that brownie sundae) the sooner you’ll find the guy that will love everything about you enough to never utter these bullsh*t excuses.

I, Courtney, am an online dater. Many of you probably find this weird considering I’m in college, a place filled with more available men than a single woman could ever dream of, but I’m finding it’s more common than you think. The truth is, people just don’t want to admit it.

I first joined OKCupid (yes, that is the name) when I was 16. I had no intentions of dating anyone from the site, I just loved getting messages saying how pretty I was. And throughout high school that was basically what I used it for. I never really found anyone attractive at my high school, or even remotely tolerable, so online dating seemed like a good idea. At least for the confidence boost.

I didn’t rejoin the circuit until sophomore year of college when my friend found a site called Plenty of Fish (we obviously joined it just for the name). My headline for my profile was “I’ma hook, line and sink ya!” Again, I really didn’t have any interest in dating someone online; it was more of a procrastination tool than anything else. (There are a lot of hilarious weirdos out there!)Besides, I was more interested in a boy from one of my classes.

When 2010 hit, though, I started to actually take online dating seriously. I set up a real profile, responded to guys’ flirtatious emails and started going on dates. I became an online dater and while it hasn’t panned out into anything serious yet, I am glad i did.

I’ve always been really busy and haven’t had time to casually wait for some guy to sweep me off my feet. Online dating sites make the sorting process one has to do at a bar easier. And who wants to date someone they met at a bar anyway? With online dating you get to view your potential suitor’s height (always least an inch less than what they say), decent pictures, and (my biggest thing) you can see how they write. Do they know how to use “there, their, and they’re” correctly? Do they use “Z’s” instead of “S’s” or, my least favorite, are they too lazy to spell things out fully (“I lyke 2 go 2 the bar, u do 2?”)

Plus, I was tired of being set up by friends; how many more blind “dates” can someone handle? (And by “dates” I mean meeting up at a party and having him grab a beer from the keg for me.) It’s not like I have a problem meeting people – I’m surprisingly nice and friendly – I just have a problem meeting the right people. You know, the single good looking guys that find my dry humor charming. I also tend to take on the role of the girl friend (not girlfriend) with most of the guys I meet, meaning no chance for romance.

And that is where the Internet came to my aid. I’ve gone on 15 dates with 15 different guys since September. I’ve met a lot of great guys, had a lot of great (free!) meals and even broadened my music collection, thanks to suggestions made by different people from the site. And along with finding potential romantic matches, I’ve also made some decent friends.

So why are people being so secretive about this? It’s a lot of fun to meet people I never would have, but online dating isn’t for everyone. Just like not everyone is lucky to bump into a random person and form a romantic connection with them. But you shouldn’t judge before you join; it is not as weird as movies like Because I Said So make it out to be. Many people are on these sites because they miss being in a relationship but don’t have time or don’t know how to meet people randomly. Or they’re new to town. Or they too are over trying to find love over SoCo lime shots at the campus bar.

AND…isn’t online dating what any girl would want? It’s like online shopping, except there are really cute guys involved and you don’t have to pay for anything. You’ve literally got nothing to lose (either people will message you or they won’t) but a whole lot to gain; online dating has made me more assertive, given me better self-confidence and allowed me to truly flush out what it is I’m looking for.

So my advice? Don’t judge before you join. You never know who else could be out there, and online dating is a great way of testing the waters.

What do you think? Will you join?

[This story was originally posted by Courtney - Bridgewater State University]

I am in the most amazing, secure and satisfying relationship I have ever been in but there is just one so-called “problem”; after nearly a year and a half, neither of us have said, “I love you.”

Now I know what this probably sounds like to some, or possibly even most, of you. (Believe me, I see it in the facial expressions of concerned friends and hear it in the tone of their strongly worded reactions.) There is obviously a clear issue here, right? Well, actually, I’m not so sure.

Now, to be honest, I would be lying if I didn’t admit that part of me (the part that sometimes, uncontrollably slips into this cliché, fairytale, chick flick inspired way of thinking that all love stories have basically 1 of 3 plots) at times wishes one of us would just find the courage to come out and say it already. I mean, it’s been long enough! And the pressure from friends and family who act like this is the biggest thing in the world to be concerned about, only adds fuel to this flame.

However, my usual, more sane, more rational and level-headed reaction to all of this is, “Who really cares?” Is actually saying that phrase really as significant or necessary as everyone our age makes it out to be? I mean, isn’t it true that actions should speak louder than words?

We are currently in a world where nearly every word in the “relationship dictionary” is rapidly being redefined. Take the word, meaning and supposed “sacredness” of marriage, for instance. It’s being entirely altered by things like the exceptionally high divorce rate (and the never ending publicity about celebrity divorces and adultery in the press). Or what about the many different names have we come up with in the last decade to define the new, modern, complicated relationships that keep arising: open relationship, no strings attached, friends with benefits, just hooking up… the list continues. Who even knows what the proper meaning and context of monogamy and love is these days.

It seems silly that no one would take a step back from all this to take the time to redefine the word love in its modern sense. I mean, I don’t think it’s necessarily unreasonable to think that with everything that’s going on in today’s world it’s practically inevitable that the word and definition of love is taking on a very different meaning as well. But it doesn’t seem people view it that way. It is still constantly being used, seen and heard by everyone, everywhere: in the songs on the radio, on television, in movies, and in real life, of course. I find it troubling when everyone throws the “L-word” out there so quickly and carelessly in their relationships; it makes it hard to take the word seriously anymore.

I think young people need to wake up and realize we’re not in high school anymore. Love should no longer mean the same trivial thing as it did then, a time when I too used the word so frequently and freely in all my silly little relationships. I’m no longer calling my boyfriend at all hours of the night, trying to convince him to sneak out to be with me or sending him passive aggressive texts about his rude and standoffish behavior. Instead, there is respect, trust, mutual understanding. It is obvious that we care a great deal about each other. I’m not sure I’m ready, or that it is necessary, to use the word love so loosely as I have in the past. I don’t need it in order to feel closer to him or to try and make our relationship stronger or more serious. I am completely satisfied with where we are in all those areas. So, if it is as monumental of a word as everyone makes out to be, then I don’t think it’s wrong to assume that choosing to wait a long time in order to exchange these precious words with your significant other—choosing to not make that substantial of a promise and commitment so quickly and easily—may not be such a bad thing. Perhaps it could even be considered advisable to some.

So help try and clarify something for me here; I must be missing something. Does using and exchanging this phrase help to somehow legitimize the relationship to both the participating members and its observers? And if so, why? Should that really be the case?

And when Tuesday rolled around, we saw that we not only differed on our opinions on the topic…we differed on the topic itself.

Erratic emails ensued. It was his fault. It was my fault. He didn’t understand what I was talking about. I didn’t understand what he was talking about. Neither of us was really listening…

It was a mess. But also a perfect example of the biggest issue between ladies and dudes: miscommunication. So after 4 confirmation emails (and one reminder IM for good measure), we decided that’s exactly what we’re going to talk about this week.

So let’s do it, shall we?

It was Patti Stanger who once taught me that there are 3 sides to every relationship fight: his side, her side and the truth. (She also taught me that you should wear something short but not too slutty to mixers, and that girls larger than a size 4 will never find love…but I digress.) Anyone who’s ever been in a relationship – hell, anyone who’s ever spent a night with a guy – knows that truer words have never been spoken. Because at the end of the day, we all hear things that aren’t said and say things that we didn’t really say.

And yes, I mean ALL of us. I’m not letting girls off the hook here, as much as I wish I could. We may communicate more than guys, but that doesn’t mean we communicate effectively. In fact, I can say with confidence that we often communicate with ulterior motives. We know exactly what we have to say/do/emphasize to make a point, and we abuse that power in our relationships all the time.

Allow me to show you:

Girl: Ugh, I have this stupid party that I have to go to tonight and I don’t know anyone who’s going to be there.

Girrrl, you know you’re not just pointing that out. You know that what you’re really trying to do is get your guy to be all, “Oh, I’ll go with you, sugar lips. You shouldn’t have to go alone. And you know what? Since you’re such a good person going out of your way for this girl, I’ll even quit playing HALO for you.”

[Note: OK, so I exaggerated a bit there, but you get the point.]

Now, what’s really going to happen is more along the lines of this:

Guy: That sucks.

And then you’re gonna get mad, bitch about it to your friends, and drink until you have fun at the party…or you barf. Whichever comes first.

Think about how much time and toothpaste you would have saved if you had just come out with what you wanted (for your guy to escort you to the party) and asked for it loud and clear (“Babe, I’ll make it worth your while if you come with me to this lame party for 30 minutes.”)

The same goes for the following:

“No, it’s fine. I don’t care if you meet up with the boys tonight.”
“Yeah, we can watch WWE instead of The Bachelorette reunion special.”
“Fine.”
“Nope. No plans tonight. Just hangin’ out at home.”

If you don’t want him to go out with the boys, tell him. If you’ve been counting down the minutes until The Bachelorette finale, TELL HIM. (It’s important, dammit!) If you’re angry, adding a period to ‘fine’ isn’t always as obvious as you think. And, for the love of god, if you want to hang out with the kid tonight, don’t give him some vague answer and hope he asks you out. BE HONEST. Otherwise, you end up with the opposite of what you want. And that, my friends, is what I call miscommunication.

Of course, guys are just as bad at it. Nope, they’re actually worse…because they take advantage of TWO forms of miscommunication:

Intentional: Contrary to some of what I said above, oftentimes they know exactly how girls are thinking and just choose to ignore it and play the innocent card.

Dude: “Babe, how was I supposed to know you wanted me to take you to that party? I would have gone if you asked me. And why didn’t you call me when you were puking so I could come over and hold your hair back?”

Slightly Unintentional: It’s a well-known fact that we ladies communicate/emote/talk more than our male counterparts. Guys are inherently men of few words…that is, unless they’re complaining to their bros about how their girlfriend always spins everything around and turns “whatever I say into some big fight.”

True story: there are plenty of times when we ladies over-analyze things he says and somehow turn “K” into “No, the last thing on earth I want to do is hang out with you.” But guys KNOW this happens. It’s their favorite thing to talk about. Hell, entire sitcoms are based on that very idea (King of Queens, Everybody Loves Raymond, any show with a married couple EVER). And yet, they refuse to be more cognizant of the things they are saying and the way they are saying them. If they just considered how we might hear something they say, perhaps they’d say it more clearly so we wouldn’t have to spin things in our head.

Obviously, the key to preventing miscommunication in relationships is to be more honest and intentional with the things we say. Unfortunately, that’s a whole lot easier said than done. I mean, we can’t send 3 verification emails for everything…

Dying to find out what the guys think of our tendency to speak in riddles? Do they realize they do it, too? Head on over to Coed to see how they weighed in!

I have a confession to make. And I’m not proud of it. In fact, on the list of things I’m most ashamed of, this one ranks higher than DVRing Jerseylicious (as in, setting up a series recording) and that semester when I didn’t wash my sheets once (even though I did have guests over…frequently).

So here goes.

[Breathes in heavily.]

I have a major weakness for boys who cock their hats off to the side at a 45 degree angle.

There. I said it.

But it’s not my fault. You have no idea how many guys like this exist at Michigan. They’re…everywhere. And while a lot of them might be majorly douchey, a lot of them are also really, really hot. What can I say? I like a guy with swagger. And confidence. And good jeans (because the tilted hat is always paired with a hot pair of Sevens…)

Judge me if you will (and lord knows you will…harshly), but I know I’m not the only one with a soft spot for guys – and qualities guys possess – we all know we should hate…and often claim we do.

Like the jerk. Do I really even need to talk about this? Every girl on EARTH says she just wants a nice guy, someone to treat her right and blah blah blah. And what happens? The guy with the cocked hat wham bam thank you maams her and she’s smitten as a kitten, following him around like a sad, hungry puppy dog (in eyeliner and tight jeans that make her butt look good). Meanwhile, the nice guy she’s been leading on for 6 months just sits there until she comes around to have him pick up the pieces.

And muscles. Sure, we’re all “Ew, Ronnie is a roid rager,” and yeah, that’s probably true…but you can’t deny that he’s got a pretty sick bod. And that maybe if he didn’t break Sammie’s glasses or have that problem in his anus, you’d want to take him to the smush room.

OK, so maybe Ronnie is a bad example. But as much as we’re all “I don’t need muscles – I just like a guy with a little squish who I can snuggle up with,” would anyone really toss Tyson Beckford, Ryan Reynolds or Zac Efron out of their bed? Hell to the no.

And then there’s money. Look, I’m an independent woman just as much as Beyonce the next girl; I want to be successful and powerful and make a lot of money on my own. I don’t need a man to support me…. But I kinda want one. Not to support me totally, but you can’t deny the joy that comes with being showered with lavish gifts, going on amazing vacations, and watching The Bachelorette on a giant screen TV…from the tub (a joy I only understand after house sitting for some rich-ass people in college. My god – that is the LIFE).

Money doesn’t buy happiness, sure, but a guy with money is inherently sexier. Just ask anyone who’s ever had the urge to get naked with Hugh Hefner. (Note: I’d totally get naked with Hugh Hefner. And that, my friends, is another one to add to my list of shame.)

And you know what else is sexy in that “I don’t want anyone to know I think this” sorta way?

-Madras shorts
-Boat Shoes
-The “I spent a ton of time doing my hair to make it look like I didn’t spend any time doing it” hairstyle
-An Ivy League education (Or, for me at least, any college education that didn’t happen at Ohio State.)
-Tight-ish jeans (Note: not hipster skinny jeans. But actually, now that I think about it, some guys do look hot in hipster skinny jeans….)
-Guys running shirtless
-Guys in sweaty shorts at the gym
-Guys who get manicures and/or pedicures

Shameful, I know. But at least I’m being honest, unlike the rest of you who drool at 90% of these things (and more) but would never admit it.

Speaking of which, maybe it’s time we all admit our shameful attractions. Sound off below. And after you’re done with that, hop on over to CoedMagazine.com to see what guys are attracted to even though they’ll never admit it…

[He Said/She Said is a series designed to help all our wonderfully confused readers figure out what he’s really thinking. So every week we’ll be throwing out a topic for debate…and unlike our fave dude, these guys won’t be sugar coating anything for you. But before you jump into their heads (which seriously will make you feel like you need to shower), check out what we think!]

Whether you’re a guy or a girl, gay or straight, old or young, one of the most frustrating things about liking someone is not knowing if they like you back. Wait, no – that’s not totally right. The most frustrating thing is the amount of time wasted thinking/wondering/analyzing/wishing they like you and then playing games to make them show it.

I can honestly say that about 79% of my college career was spent wondering if the socially awkward Jewish boy who wasn’t cute in high school but came to college, learned how to do his hair and got a good pair of jeans I liked at the moment felt the same way about me. (For the record, the other 20% of the time was spent in an actual relationship where I knew the boy liked me, and the remaining 1% was spent planning for my future, considering a career path and “studying”…)

My mind was filled with thoughts like:

Does it mean he likes me if he texted me first?
And used an emoticon?
Left a witty message on my Facebook wall?
Spent the whole night talking to me at the bar?
Bought me a Natty Ice?
Asked me to stay over, then spent the evening doing pleasurable things to me until the morning light started peeking through the tapestry he had hanging over his window without getting ANY pleasure in return (what? You know I’m not a fan of it….), and then drove me home and kissed me goodbye only not to call or text for 4 whole days?

As you can imagine, it was exhausting, and I constantly found myself wondering, “Why can’t guys make it obvious when they’re not interested like we girls do?”

And then I realized: maybe we girls aren’t so clear either. Maybe guys don’t understand that me not sitting next to them in lecture means I don’t want to see them naked. Or that the fact that I’m not texting them back every 4 seconds means I’m not really feelin’ it.

So I decided it was time to end the madness once and for all. To clear it all up so we can stop wasting time with the “are they or aren’t they??” and have more time to spend on the “let’s get naked and show one another how much we care.”

So let’s do it. Here are 5 major signs that a girl’s not interested:

1. She doesn’t keep the convo going: A girl will do her damndest not to text or IM or call you first. She doesn’t want to come on too strong, after all. But you better believe that if she likes you, she’ll pray you reach out first, then keep that ish going and going and going until you propose marriage. If her texts are one-word responses (“yeah.”) or don’t leave room for further convo (“cool”), she’s not interested.

2. She only texts after midnight: Much like guys, sometimes we ladies just want a warm body – any warm body – next to us. So an after-midnight text doesn’t mean she wants to snuggle and have a romantic Sunday-morning brunch. It means that her sexy outfit didn’t work at the bar, she has no one else to go home with and she needs some attention from you to make her feel better about herself.

3. She’s talking to other people: When a girl likes a guy, she’ll do anything to be near him, to charm him, to touch his arm. So if you’re at a party and she keeps finding excuses to get away (“Whoops, need more….beer!” or “Oh, this kid from my Stats class is over there. Gotta talk about the test with him!”), she’s not playing hard to get. She’s playing gotta get away.

4. She lets you see her at her worst: We all want to believe that our opposite-sex best friend loves us, they just don’t know it yet. I know; I’ve been there….4 times. But the truth is, if there’s EVER a chance that we ladies might have feelings for a dude, we’ll primp for him. Mascara, flat iron, perfume in all the right places. If she’s inviting you over to watch a movie while she cuts her toenails and plucks her eyebrows…yeah, not happening, bro.

5. She turns down a free drink. Seriously, we’ll take free cocktails from ANYONE. Even the creepy old guy who’s always saddled up to the bar. (Sidenote: why is there always a creepy old guy at every college bar? Who let him in? And did he have to wait in line for 45 minutes, too?) If we’re not taking one from you, not only are we not interested but, god, something is SERIOUSLY wrong with you.

Agree? Disagree? Got anything to add? Share it in the comments section below. And then check out Coedmagazine to find out the obvious, blinking signs a dude’s just not that into you…

Last week, my male friend over at COED Magazine shared his thoughts on how we ladies handle life after a break up. And let me just say, I haven’t LOLed that hard since the first time I watched this. (OMG. Just watched it again. HILARIOUS.)

It’s just so amusing to think about how little guys know about us (Note: I’m sure it was just as ROTFL-worthy for Paul when he read my thoughts on guys after a break-up); how they think we just bounce right back, better than ever, immediately following “the talk.” I mean, that’s not a bad thing. Their assumptions are way less disturbing (and pathetic) than the reality for most of us.

A reality which I’m about to lay out, in all it’s honest glory.

So let’s break down some walls and let it all hang out:

He Says: They’ll do better without us.
Reality: Yes, we probably will. Once we don’t have to waste our time getting in text fights or taking care of your drunk ass, our lives will finally have some meaning again. We’ll return to the gym. We’ll look hotter than ever. We’ll get our swagger back and hit the town….hard.

….Eventually.

First, of course, we’ll focus on all the happy happy fun times we won’t have anymore. The amazing kisses. The snuggle sessions. The cute way you furrowed your eyebrows when you were working on an Econ problem. How cute you looked in those Nike classics. How romantic you were….that one time when we first started dating, even though you haven’t done jack-sh*t since then. We’ll rely on our friends to remind us hourly (and every 4 minutes when we’re drunk) how awful and selfish and annoying you were.

He Says: We’ll Sleep with THAT guy.
Reality:  Yeah, there’s a chance that in a fit of deep depression we’ll finally give in to the sexual tension and get with someone who’s been around for awhile. More likely though, after our friends throw us in the shower, stab us in the eye applying some eyeliner, squeeze us into a pair of skinny jeans (that got a lot tighter thanks to the post-break up chocolate binges) and force us to go out to the bar (“SINGLE GIRLS, WHAT?!”), we’ll get really drunk and make out with a boy in the corner just to prove that we’ve still got it.

And while it  might be fun and exciting in the moment, we’ll cry about it – a lot – the next day.

He Says: They’ll go “Girls Gone Wild”.
Reality: Yeah, if Girls Gone Wild now means Girls Gone on a Downward Spiral in Sweatpants and No Makeup With a Package of Cookie Dough in Their Bed While Crying Through a Re-Run of Gossip Girl.

He Says: They’ll tell other girls about us.
Reality: You better freaking believe we will. No girl likes to admit to the shame of being a dumpee or the judgment of being the a-hole dumper. So we’re obviously going to have to explain to anyone who asks (or anyone who happens to cross our paths in the weeks following the break-up, be it a friend of a friend or our Psych professor) how lazy you were, how often you couldn’t get it up, how quick you were when you could get it up, how your room smelled like rotting bacon, how often you couldn’t get it up, how you got all Ronnie aggressive when you were drinking and, of course, how often you couldn’t get it up.

He Says: They’ll miss having sex with us.
Reality: For some, maybe. For others, it’s more about the companionship than the sex. The snuggles. The Sunday night TV marathons. The security in knowing we’ll always have someone to grab dinner with, see a movie with, stumble home from a party with. That’s what we’ll miss the most.

If we really want sex, we can just call up “that guy,” right?

The reality is, 99.9% of girls, even if they’re the ones doing the dumping, hit a low in the weeks or months immediately following a break up. They question themselves (“What’s wrong with me?!”), they question love (“Am I ever going to find someone else?”), they question you (“Why did I ever let him buy me that Jager Bomb and take my number?”). But then one day, they wake up out of that greasy/pity food coma and they don’t feel the need to check their phone to see if the ex texted. And the next day, they don’t even think about creepin’ the ex’s Facebook page. And a week after that, they don’t spend 15 extra minutes making themselves look extra hot to make the ex hate himself….just in case they happen to run into him.

Eventually, be it weeks or months down the road, they wake up one day feeling great and realize that they CAN do better than that douche lord…. and they will.

And when that happens, well, eat your heart out, boys. That girl is officially single and ready to get. her. freak on.

Find out what HE THINKS at COEDMagazine.com

[He Said/She Said is a series designed to help all our wonderfully confused readers figure out what he’s really thinking. So every week we’ll be throwing out a topic for debate…and unlike our fave dude, these guys won’t be sugar coating anything for you. But before you jump into their heads (which seriously will make you feel like you need to shower), check out what we think!]

The aftermath of my most recent break-up was all at once depressing and pathetic. Like, beyond the most depressing and pathetic Lifetime movie that you’ve ever seen. (And I can say that with certainty since I watched every single one on a particularly dark Saturday-somehow-turned-Monday-and-I-haven’t-left-my-bed-in-36-hours moment of darkness.) It was depressing because everything I did and saw and watched and thought about reminded me of him. Pathetic because I spent days on end crying over my computer as Dave Matthews blasted from the speakers, stalking his FB page and the FB pages of every single girl who showed up in his pics/commented on his Wall;  and constantly returned home from class or work or a run, certain he’d be waiting for me on my porch with a dozen hydrangeas in his arms and a sheepish “I’m so, so sorry” look on his face. (Did I mention I’d make excuses to leave the house just so I could come home and discover him there? Yeah, I blame it on all those Lifetime movies.)

Of course, that never happened. Actually, despite the fact that my campus had gotten teeny tiny by the 2^nd semester of my senior year, I actually never ran into the kid again. Like, not once. (I have a feeling our mutual friends worked together to make sure of this…) Which should be a great thing; you can’t move on when you’re constantly moving backwards, right?

Only it wasn’t. Because not seeing him meant that I had no idea what he was up to. How he was handling this whole mega-break up. If he was at home crying into a box of Fruity Pebbles (our cereal), throwing things in a fit of rage whenever anything reminded him of me (which should mean broken everything), or just sorta going about his daily business….only now, with the enthusiasm of Eeyore.

So, of course, I had to fill in all those blanks myself, based on what I’ve seen from other guys I know/things I’ve heard/Lifetime movies. And maybe I’m a bit off here, but guys handle break-ups quite differently from us ladies. And in a way that I’m not quite sure I’ll ever understand. Granted, I may be totally wrong in my assumptions, but from my perspective, and that of many ladies I know, guys handle break-ups in one of 5 ways:

They Hook Up. Of course, this has less to do with the fact that they are over us and more to do with the fact that there is no easier way to mend a shattered ego than with a little peen in the vajeen. And they just need a body, any body, next to them in their empty bed/futon. And they need to puff up their chests and prove to their bros that they’re not some pussy who cries over a girl when there are so many girls “just begging for it” out there.

Right?

They Hate Us. Maybe it’s from all the jeering from their boys (“That bitch was not worth your time, brah”), but eventually they start to hate us. And curse anything that reminds them of us. And boil over at the mere mention of our names. So they call us new names. Mean names. Names that would make their mothers shudder. And talk sh*t about us to everyone they know…even that random skank they slept with a week after we split.

They Do Guy Things. Video games. Sporting events. Poker. Basketball at the gym. Push ups at the gym. Lots and lots of working out. Anything not to have to be alone and feel feelings. Because feeling things is weak and they aren’t weak. They’re dudes. Dudes who are strong and independent and don’t let some stupid break-up get them down.

They drink. A lot. Because they can (and maybe because they’re trying to numb the pain?). They’re single now. That’s what single guys do. They drink beer and take Jager shots and do Irish Car Bombs. They pee in public. They smoke a lot of pot. They make really horrible decisions.

They Hook Up. Seriously, when was the last time a guy you knew didn’t bang some random chick (who is always 3 notches down on the “attractive” scale from his ex) 5 minutes after a break-up? It’s like the only cure for the break-up blues is a few humps and grunts…

Is this what really happens? Who knows. Well, guys know, and I’m sure our resident male will clue us in to the reality shortly. But first, let’s see what he thinks we ladies do in the days following a split, see how off base he is in his assumptions. Something tells me there will be some mention of naked pillow fights….

Find out what he thinks girls do after a break up right here!

[He Said/She Said is a series designed to help all our wonderfully confused readers figure out what he’s really thinking. So every week we’ll be throwing out a topic for debate…and unlike our fave dude, these guys won’t be sugar coating anything for you. But before you jump into their heads (which seriously will make you feel like you need to shower), check out what we think!]

When I dream about my perfect relationship, it always looks the same. My boyfriend is a Jewish Bradley Cooper look-alike with that sexy shaggy hair and the perfect blend of intelligence and wit. He’s constantly surprising me with over-the-top romantic gestures, from randomly bringing me chocolate chip granola pancakes in bed (“just because I love you”), to showing up at my house in the middle of the day because he “just had to see me.”

He’s always there when I need someone to lean on, but never around when I need an “eat cereal out of the box and watch 4 hours of ‘Say Yes to the Dress’” alone-time kinda night. He uses just the right amount of tongue when we’re kissing and always makes sure I’m satisfied between the sheets before he spoons me as we drift off to sleep.

And when we wake up, my hair has perfect waves, my breath is minty fresh and my eye makeup hasn’t slid down my face in a way that makes me look like Adam Lambert doing the walk of shame.

Yeah, I said it was a dream.
A very good (and sometimes naughty) dream.

In real (awake) life, I’m not asking for much. I’m not waiting for a knight in shining armor to ride up on some white horse in a white BMW to sweep me off my feet and wine and dine me in the middle of the Bellagio fountain (thanks for that great dose of “reality,” Bachelorette producers). Because a great relationship doesn’t always need all that big stuff.

All I need, all most ladies need, is the little stuff that goes a long way. So while I’d love to snuggle up with my Bradley Coopervitz and the homemade chocolate dipped strawberries he whipped up for me (naked), here are the 6 little, easy peasy things guys can do to make us girls happy in a relationship.

1. Notice something. Say something. It’s so easy to get comfortable in a long-term relationship and for the most part, it’s awesome. There’s nothing better than that moment when you realize you can be 100% yourself and you don’t have to try and impress someone anymore. But just because we’re comfortable doesn’t mean we can get lazy, so be a doll and remind me that you love me. That I look beautiful. That I’m sexy. That these jeans make my ass look good. That you love it when I wear my hair curly. Do it enough and maybe we won’t have to deal with #4 too often…

2. Enough with the farting. Look, I know we’re comfortable together. And I know that you know that I think fart jokes are funny. But that doesn’t mean I like it when you fart, and that sure as hell doesn’t mean I like it when you purposely fart on me. It’s hard to find you even remotely attractive when I can’t get that smell out of my head/sheets.

3. The smallest gestures go a long way. Pick me up some Sour Watermelons when you’re at the drug store. Knowing that you know they are my favorite makes me feel special. Or just send a text in the middle of the day to say hi. It makes me feel good inside when I know you’re thinking about me.

4. If I’m not in the mood, get over it. Making me feel guilty about it (“But it’s been 3 days!”) or negotiating with me (“How about just an HJ?”) isn’t going to change my mind. In case you didn’t know, pleading isn’t sexy and coercion isn’t a form of foreplay. You need it that bad? You’ve got a hand; do it yourself.

5. Show me a little PDA. Please note: I said a little. I don’t need you nibbling on my neck in class, but putting your hand on the small of my back when we’re at the bar? I dig it. Everyone loves to feel loved…and to have other people (like that skank in the mini-dress giving you the eyes) know that they are loved.

6. Just let me vent, K? I know you probably don’t care about the stupid fight I got into with Stacy when she borrowed my favorite jeans and stretched them out, but I don’t care about that time that kid fouled you during that basketball game and the ref didn’t call it. You know what the difference is? I let you get it all out, I didn’t try to solve anything, and I scratched your head the way you like it until you felt better. Care to return the favor?

BTW, returning the favor is always a nice gesture. Just sayin’.

See? Pleasing a lady really isn’t that hard. Sure, we’ve got our fantasies, but we’re realistic and rational creatures, and it doesn’t take much to please us. Of course, over-the-top romantic gestures are always nice. And I’m sure if you come through with one, well, you’ll get repaid. Generously. In a way that will blow. your. mind.

So now that we’ve got all that cleared up, let’s see what easy things guys want from us. See what he says on CoedMagazine.com.

Hey Dude,

So I am a student at Arizona State; that right there says it all. They should put somewhere before going to ASU “Don’t fall in love at this school.” Anyways, a little over a month ago I made the mistake of falling for a boy. We flirted over Facebook, his roommate dates my best friend at school, and he invited me out with him and his guy friends one night. We both had way too much to drink and I was feeling a little too good about myself, and well, long story short, we slept together.

Here I am thinking that I finally have a guy that could possibly like me, or want to pursue something and I mess it up by sleeping with him right away. I am a short blonde girl with features that guys usually notice before they get to know me. I DID NOT WANT THAT TO HAPPEN THIS TIME! We talked a couple more times after that and he visited me at the bar I work at. We had a short lunch one day so I could give him some study guides for a class, then four days later I left to go back home to New Jersey for the summer. And him… Well, he went home too. To CANADA!

Now I can’t stop thinking about him! He asked me to take a class with him in the fall, and we are both living in the same condo complex in the fall as well. We haven’t talked in a long time and I really do not want to lose contact with him. Better yet, for him to continue thinking I am just a girl to have sex with. I am royally confused and have no clue what to do. I know he has no idea of my feelings but I would feel like a weirdo telling him that I can not get him off of my mind. I highly doubt he thinks about me too, but from time to time he continues to like things on my Facebook page. I have never been in a serious relationship and really want to hopefully have one soon. I don’t want to continue screwing things up with this guy so I need help. What in the world would you want the girl to do, if anything?

Sincerely,
Desperate Hopeless Romantic Chick

Dear Hopeless Romantic Chick,

What’s wrong with you? JUST PLAYING! The answer’s actually…nothing.

What I would want from a gal I’ve hooked up with and am probably interested in, in this scenario you’ve shared with us, is for her to show some interest. Just not Leighton Meester a la “The Roommate” level of interest (I saw it, don’t pretend you didn’t)

The fates seem to be nudging you two together this fall, and since you’ve already done some nudging, why not just let it play out? The biggest temptation is to try to take control of a situation that feels less than certain, where you feel vulnerable, exposed, and if I may be so bold, ashamed.  Don’t fall into a Pinky and The Brain mindset. Resist the urge to plan everything you’re going to do, say, wear, sacrifice, to the last detail.

Believe it or not, you’re on the verge of self-sabotage and it’s coming out of some seriously harsh self-judging. Did it hurt your odds of being in a relationship with this guy because you hooked up one drunken night? Maybe, maybe not. I know people who’ve ended up in marriages with first meets just like that…I’ve also known some broken hearts out of such sweaty jumpstarts. It’s more of a case by case basis than organizations like to admit. It sounds like you spent some non-sexy time after it happened, which is a good sign. If you don’t want him to think of you as a booty call then the next time you hang out with him, make sure more than sex’s involved, like, a “Chuck” marathon or, gosh, dinner. Then have sex. Or don’t.

You can’t plot out a relationship trajectory. Not if you want it to be meaningful and last. Let it grow at whatever pace it’s going to.

Dudefucius say: “What keeps us from being happy is often ourselves.” Don’t get in your own way with this boy. Keep in touch over the summer. Read all the books on my upcoming Ultimate Summer Reading List. Then when you’re back on campus, invite him out to a movie or something.

Don’t jump the gun and shoot yourself in the foot! All will be well.

“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”
The Dude

[Isn't he amazeballs? Sigh, we know. Too bad he's taken. Check out The Dude's other insights into the male mind right here.]