[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to editor [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

Dear Dude,

Here’s the deal: I’ve got this guy that I’ve been friends with since Freshman year. We see each other at parties and are kind of always on the outsides of circles that cross paths, you know? Cut to a couple of months ago after this party where we both had a bit too much to drink– we hooked up. And it was AMAZING. Best sex ever. Since then we’ve been spending a lot of time together, but the thing is that neither of us wants a serious thing right now. We’re only 21, you know? We want to keep our options open, but we don’t want to lose what we’ve got either. So I’ve heard about people having “open” relationships, but I don’t hear about a lot of them that ever end up well. So I guess my question is: what are the rules to an open relationship? Are they different for every open relationship? How do you hash those out?

Thanks, Dude.

Girl With A Dolphin Tattoo

Dear Girl With A Dolphin Tattoo,

Totally get where you’re coming from, and yes, there are a lot of pitfalls to an open relationship. Some figure they’re doomed to be temporary just based on the nature of them, and I’m not entirely certain those critics are wrong. Of course, I’m not really sure they’re right, either. It all depends, like every relationship, on how you two grow with each other rather than away from each other.

I do think that EVERY relationship is like…well, a snowflake. No two are the same. No two have the exact same dynamics or a pair of partners with the exact same needs. There’s no recipe for a long-lasting relationship, open, poly, closed, monogamous, whatever! There’s only what you two decide is best for you two. This, of course, doesn’t mean that I don’t have an opinion or two, maybe even a couple of pointers, or some mild suggestions…

First off: How much do you want to know about the other people you’re being…open…with? There are pros for full disclosure and pros against full disclosure. Some think if you’re hiding someone, then it’s serious. Some don’t want to know, because it ignites a jealous streak. Is it a case of TMI or Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell?

Second issue: Priority status. You’ve got go the extra effort to let each other know that “you are my number 1 guy!” (It’s funnier if you imagine Jack Nicholson saying it while groping at Bob the Goon’s pleather jacket).

You have to be totally upfront and honest with each other about what you want, what you need, and vice versa. You can’t shy away from tough conversations, and you can’t leave questions unanswered. What goes unsaid is probably going to be the toughest challenge, because you know what’s being left unmentioned has a name and a vagina.

Talk it out, be clear about what you both want and don’t want, and then play it by ear. And as your needs change, you need to tell him. As separate as you want things to be at times, you need to make sure the times you are together are the most intimate times.

Opening Up Possibilities,

The Dude

In the middle of my sophomore year of college, a tall, charismatic boy with a shock of blonde hair confessed to me that he thought I was intoxicating and very pretty. Unfortunately, this assertion came in the wake of a poorly hewn explanation of his current opposition to dating anyone, despite having expressed days before, after a dinner date, that a relationship with me was his ultimate goal.

I met Jacob* at the beginning of the school year, but didn’t get to know him until early November. He was forward but gentlemanly from the start — getting my number, inviting me places, telling me he liked me, asking if he could kiss me (I declined for reasons to be discussed), taking me out on a date, baking for me — all in the space of about two weeks. I told him repeatedly that I liked him and liked getting to know him better, but that was all I knew. I didn’t want to entertain ideas that might not come to fruition. The attention was nice; however, as someone who’s prone to crushin’ hard, I try to appraise dating situations objectively. Others sometimes misrepresent themselves (some don’t even have your best intentions at heart) and trusting too easily means getting hurt later. This was the right perspective to have, but I didn’t realize soon enough just how much I didn’t read into his exclamations enough. Read More »

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

-First Year in love with the guy in the white pants and bow tie.

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In college, a lot of relationships begin with “talking” which I always thought was really strange. I remember the first time I heard about it when I asked a friend if she was dating said frat guy and she said, “No, but we’re talking.” And I thought, “Well I sure hope you’re talking if you’re hooking up every night.” The term “talking” has come to mean dating-and-kind-of-exclusive-but-not-really-in-a-relationship. We live in a world where we have -ishes (those that are boyfriend/girlfriend-ish) so how do you know when you’re actually in a serious, exclusive relationship? Here are some tell-tale signs in no particular order:

1. Regular texts, phone calls, or other modes of communication: A hookup buddy is not going to text you and ask how your day is going or tell you good luck on your psychology test. If you’re with someone who is in pretty much constant communication with you, it’s a good sign that you’re actually dating.

2. Public Displays of Affection: Friends with benefits don’t hold hands, kiss or show any signs of PDA because, well, when you’re not in bed, you’re just friends. Now, some people are finicky about PDA and just won’t do it so if your guy is shy about it, that’s okay. Read More »

When you’re dating someone new, it’s obviously good advice to be wary of their exes. But since college is a fishbowl, exes aren’t the only type of people you need to be worried about. There’s tons of people who can make your life as miserable as possible or just ruin it all together.

Here are the potential time bombs just ready to mess up your relationship. Read More »

Ah, matters of the heart. Just when we think things are going to get easier, some complications come about and we’re back to square one, trying to figure out where we went wrong. I truly believe that matters of the heart would seems way less complicated if we just let things happen naturally. Too bad I have a brain to go with this heart of mine, and I’m way too practical of a person to leave my love affairs up to chance. If relationships came with warning signs and manuals, the world would be spared of all its heartache. Unfortunately, it doesn’t. So we’re left to fend for ourselves in the battles of love.

Long ago, someone somewhere told a girl that playing hard to get is one of the best ways to boost our appeal, and we’ve been doing it ever since. Well I’m here to tell you all, there is a such thing as playing too hard to get. Playing too hard to get + a guy who likes a chase but doesn’t like to feel like he’s wasting his time on a girl who doesn’t seem interested = you getting left, alone.

Here are some signs that you’re playing too hard to get. Take heed, and in matters of the heart, godspeed.

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It’s been hailed as the holy grail of sex: the v-card. Taking someone’s virginity has historically been a much-sought after sexual experience (this is going as far back as Medieval times). The thought of a pure, untouched individual succumbing to your sexual prowess…well, I can see the appeal. However, the build-up in media and society certainly falls short in reality. I should know – I’ve swiped more than my fair share of v-cards.

Remember your first time? It was awkward, sweaty, clumsy, painful and a basic nightmare (at least mine was…). You wonder, why was I so pumped for this? What was everyone hyping about? Then you have some more sex and it gets better. Much better.

Let me tell you – having sex with a virgin is like having sex for the first time…again. Especially if your partner failed to inform you of his v-status. Yeah, it’s personal information, but if you’re about to have sex with someone I think you’re probably past formalities.

So let’s run down the list:

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Lesson 22: You Haven’t Seen It All Before

There you are on another Friday night, being walked to your door by yet another clueless guy after yet another date so bad it made you long for the pain of getting your wisdom teeth removed. He’s invading your personal space, closing his eyes, leaning in for a kiss he thinks is totally deserved but you can’t help but cringe. So in the words of Carrie Underwood, “you kiss that frog” and slam the door behind you, shudder and rub the traces of his saliva off your MAC lipstick and tell your roommate you’re giving up dating to become asexual.

As single girls running around the college dating scene, it’s so easy to convince ourselves that we’ve seen it all, that nothing comes as a surprise to us anymore. The frat guys who balance pseudo-drinking problems with the hands they insist on keeping glued to your ass, the guy from your Chem lab who could make a living off being awkward, the hipster whose band you could care less about – they all become the same clueless guy in the jaded, single girl’s eyes.

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As corny as it sounds it’s the real deal and true to my life. It’s been three years and I feel like I’ve known my boyfriend a lifetime.  We actually went to the same high school but didn’t really know each other. Back then, I was friends with the popular “mean girls” and we pretty much socialized with each other and our typical, jock, male counterparts. Back then, he was the “friends-with-everyone” good guy that pretty much stuck to his smart, quirky (in a good way), laid-back clique. Luckily, college brought us together.

We were both freshman at the same university and when you’re walking around an unfamiliar campus with 40,000+ students, a familiar face seems like your best friend. We ran into each other ALL the time, literally. If we weren’t bumping into each on the streets of campus or at a party, it was in the chemistry lab or library. Our frequent run-ins turned into small chit-chat which led to Facebook friending, which led to AIM chatting, which led to hanging out one-on-one, which led to hooking up, which led to introducing each other to our friends, which brought us to where we are now — happily in love!

When you’re in love and in college, YOU GET THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS! I honestly couldn’t put it any other way. And now that I think about it…I wouldn’t have it any other way either. I’ve been able to party and live up the college experience while feeling secure knowing I’ve had my man by my side the whole time. It took time to find a healthy balance between class, sex, and beer but we found it (and we rank them in that order). We still have different groups of BFFs (some mutual friends to kick it with sometimes too) and are each dedicated to different organizations on campus so we have to go our separate ways sometimes, but it’s healthy. Besides, for whatever reason, there’s something sexy about not seeing your boo all day and then meeting up later.

Being in a serious relationship during college hasn’t always felt like luxury, but it’s always felt like love. I can’t count the number of times our dates consisted of ordering in the cheapest, fattiest foods (Gumby’s ring a bell?) or cramming in the library for two days straight with bag lunches. I know that someday I’ll be able to look back on these cheap date memories of undergrad and know that I spent them with my best friend and my lovah! Talk about having your cake and eating it too.

Are you in college and in looovvee? Are you even ready for love?  Wondering what love means these days? Share it all below!

Lesson 19: Get Your Mind Off Heartbreak

Just like your mother told you to get your mind out of the gutter, this week, I’m spitting the same advice with a little single girl twist, of course. It’s time to get your mind off the single world version of the “gutter,” heartbreak. So much of our time as single women is spent wondering about heartbreak, whether it was in the past or whether it’s a potential outcome.

Every time we so much as meet a guy, without fail, we routinely pause to consider all the causes of potential heartbreak before we’re even dating him. We sit down with our girlfriends, keep his Facebook profile on standby and analyze the situation, coming up with reasons why it could never work before it has the chance to even become something to begin with. All of which would never be possible if our minds weren’t so clouded with this looming threat of heartbreak.

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