Forget what those commencement speakers say, this is the real deal.

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I, too, will probably be this drunk at commencement.

I’ve lost track of the days and I no longer can distinguish between night and day. We drink round the clock now anyways so there doesn’t seem to be a reason for me to try to figure any of this out. But there are still a few things that I must get done before doomsday (known to my parents as commencement ceremonies).

TRY ON MY CAP AND GOWN
I thought it would be hilarious and trendsetting if I got a 4′11 gown for my 5′7 self. There’s a strong chance I will regret that decision when I’m the only one crossing the stage with bare legs. There’s a stronger chance that my family will be embarrassed. And there’s the strongest chance that cutting the top in a v-neck (they’re very in right now) will look more Salvation Army than American Apparel.

THROW EVERYTHING OUT
I have problems throwing things out. Especially if I got it for free. Because of this issue of mine (un-webmd-able…I’ve looked) I have quite the collection of heinously ugly Syracuse water bottles, fairy wings, and soy sauce packets. I never even once dreamed of dressing up like a fairy, but because I found the wings laying on a street on a rainy Halloween circa 2007 I kept them. I don’t know what I planned to do with them over the past three years, but I kept telling myself you never know when you might need them. Turns out I never did.

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I remember my college graduation like it was yesterday. After a group of my friends threw an open bar graduation party for family and friends the night before, I woke up graduation morning hungover, naked and confused about  my whereabouts. I rolled over to find myself lying next to the first college friend I made at orientation.

“Fitting,” I thought to myself. Then I grabbed my clothes (all but one shoe…which I told myself I could live without) and ran out the door. If I didn’t get home soon, I would be late for graduation.

I hailed a cab on the corner of the street and hopped in. On the short ride back to my house, I passed families all dressed up for the great moment that was their son/daughter/grandchild/cousin/brother/sister’s graduation. I looked down at the clothes I wore the night before and the unidentified scars that can only come from a night of heavy drinking on someone else’s tab.

“Fitting,” I thought to myself again. Read More »

As graduation time for many college seniors is looming in the distance, it’s important to remember the wise words of those that have gone before us. The most entertaining and witty of those was a 1997 column in the Chicago Tribune that was published as the author’s own version of a commencement address. It skips all of the b.s. of typical speeches and details why we should simply enjoy our lives right now! The column became famous and I always read it when I need a little boost. Just a little taste…

“Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else’s…

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.”

Read the full column here