Graduation.

A time for celebration. A time for remembrance. A time for nostalgia. There will be parties and dinners, and congratulations all around. But seeing as how you’re now another post-grad girl without a job or savings the thing you’ll probably be the most excited about are the presents. I mean call us superficial but I feel like there has to be a few perks to leaving behind one of the parts of your life. And that means presents.

And while your family and friends all mean well. Sometimes their ideas of a good gift for graduating seniors are just a little bit of the mark. Ladies,  I present to you some of the ugliest graduation gifts ever.

Or at least, you know, pretend to endure. Because while we can’t get out of listening to those speeches, we can make them a little bit more entertaining. Sure you’ll have to sit there quietly and listen to your president speak, listen to the valedictorian speak, and listen to the commencement speaker give his or her big speech. But that doesn’t mean your mind is not allowed to wander right? I mean it’s only natural. So let it wander on over to one of these games.

1. Count the “Likes, Okays, Ums, and Yeas”

Speeches getting boring? That’s okay. Focus on the speech impediments instead. Every speaker has them. Whether it be a tendency to say like far too often, um in between every other word, or phrase every statement like it’s a question, every speaker has one. In high school, I had a math teacher who said “um kay” after every single sentence. I spent many a math class keeping track of just how many times she could say that particular phrase in a 40 minute period. Want a hint? It was well over ninety.

2. Create Your Own Game of Most Likely To…

Take a look around you. This is the class of 2011 looking put together and professional, sitting quietly, smiling happily , and making their parents proud. Today they all look like great little graduates. But you know the truth. You know who they really are, what they do on the weekends, and what their chances of succeeding really are. So instead of listening to your commencement speaker drone on and on about being all you can be, decide what they can be. Create futures for them. Not only is it entertaining, it’s also cathartic.

3. The Congratulations Drinking Game

Really, this one is pretty simple. Take a shot for every time someone says congratulations to you. Now If you’re brave enough to pull the flask out of your gown at graduation, all the more power to you. If you’re not quite that adventurous than keep a tally in your head. And ask your friends to do the same. It will make for a great after party.

4. Play MadLibs with the Commonly Known Phrases

Every college speech uses the same phrases despite how original they try to be. Today begins the rest of your lives. You are the future. Be all that you can be. You’ve worked so hard for this day to finally arrive. Blah, blah, blah. We get it. You know what these speakers are going to say before they even say it. So why not make it a little more interesting by mixing it up a little bit. MadLibs style. Today begins the (adjective)(noun) of your (adjective) lives. Today begins the biggest downfall of your sex lives. How’s that for a commencement speech? Not so inspiring but definitely unexpected

5. Sex It Up

You know those commonly used phrases I just mentioned? Well add a “that’s what she said” at the end of them. Or take a page from the fortune cookie rule and add an “in bed” to the end for good measure. Childish? Yep. Immature? Sure. Entertaining? Absolutely.

Go any other ways to pass the time during those less than entertaining commencement day speeches? 

So there’s a lot of things that come to my mind when I think about graduation. There’s the week of senior festivities that takes place before, and the long, relaxing summer that takes place after. There’s caps and gowns and diplomas and awards and speeches. Lots of speeches.

From the president of your college to your valedictorian there will be a lot of people giving your advice on graduation day, but none more important than the allusive commencement speaker. For some schools, this is just another really long, really boring speech. But for a special few  the commencement speech, and the commencement speaker, is actually pretty great. I know if I went to one of these schools I’d actually be listening to my commencement speaker, not falling asleep in my chair.

Uh, not that I plan on doing that anyway…

Graduation season is upon us which only means one thing…seniors across the country are spending all their time job hunting bragging about their celebrity commencement speakers. But at the end of the day it doesn’t matter whether you have Obama or  an unknown author who published a bestseller before you were even born. Why? Because all the BS graduation speeches sound exactly the same.  There are only so many ways to say you have a bright future ahead of you. Don’t believe us? Check out the ultimate graduation speech mashup. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, and you’ll feel like you just heard a famous commencement speaker without the pain and torture of having to watch 5000 students cross the stage one at a time.

I did it! I graduated. Although the moment of hearing my name, walking across the stage, receiving my diploma, and turning my tassel went by incredibly fast, the road to Commencement has been an unforgettable eye-opening four-year journey.

It’s been made up of classes I’ve loved (like Arab-American literature) and those I’ve hated (Computers 100, I’m talking to you and your Microsoft Word projects). There were those endless papers analyzing literary theorists, ethical dilemmas, Shakespeare’s couplets, and acts of radical feminism. I worked on and cried over hundreds of math problems and graphs, all while reading books that would forever change me and the ways I think about the world around me. I wrote and edited poem after poem for numerous workshop classes, while expanding my poetry vocabulary from e.e. cummings and Emily Dickinson’s collections to the voices of Lorine Niedecker and Naomi Shihab Nye. All these academic experiences led me to learn things I would have never known if I strayed off on a different path.

Outside of school, I interned – a lot. There were the internships I learned a lot at, and the ones that failed to utilize their internship programs to the full extent. There were the people in the business world I met that I admire and respected, and then there were the ones that made me promise myself “I will never end up like that.” I traveled, whether it was from the Upper East Side to SoHo in New York City or from London to Paris for a weekend. Honestly, I even spent most of my time in college traveling to and from other colleges around me (this was part of my college’s campus culture – especially at such a small all women’s college), which convinced me that a two hour car ride is nothing but a quick ride down the road.

Ok, I know what you’re thinking … why the hell is this girl telling us all this stuff? Why should I care about what she’s done?

Well, my point is that when I arrived on campus for the first time in August 2006, I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t know where I would go or who I would become, and I was scared. However, through my trepidation, I kept thinking about Dr. Seuss and his whole, “Oh the Places You’ll Go!” mantra. I couldn’t wait to see what would come my way, and I couldn’t wait to dive in head-first with the adventure that was about to start.

I don’t see why my post-grad life or anyone else’s should be anything less than excitement filled and hopeful, even if jobs aren’t available or graduate school dreams have changed. Just because the safety of undergrad isn’t there anymore doesn’t mean I can’t look forward to the things I’ll do, the places I’ll travel, and the people I’ll meet – everything that will become a part of my life towards achieving my future goals.

So, with graduation out of the way and a goodbye to a university that I felt incredibly ambivalent about, it’s time to start a new journey. Even though my family won’t be dropping me off at a dorm room for the next upcoming adventure in my life, I still have plenty to look forward to – and I can’t wait to see where my ship will sail next.

I’ve been asked to speak at my son’s nursery school graduation, and I am perplexed as to what to say to four-year-olds about to embark on life’s most treacherous journey: entering Kindergarten! There must be some bit of wisdom I can impart on these kids that will have a more lasting impression than the first time they saw Spongebob Squarepants in his underwear.

With this daunting task before me, I’ve decided to look to the people who are perhaps the most insightful when it comes to living life to the fullest: Hollywood A-listers. Here’s what college graduates have to look forward to with this year’s celebrity commencement addresses.

Alec Baldwin will be speaking to the graduating class of New York University. His career has spanned over 30 years, but he has achieved his greatest successes most recently, with his numerous ’30 Rock’ Emmy wins and a gig co-hosting the Academy Awards. Baldwin has also weathered brutal publicity surrounding his nasty divorce from ex-wife Kim Basinger and his ongoing battles with his teenage daughter, Ireland. It’s hard to face the public once nasty voicemails left for your daughter go public, but that hard-core foundation makes up Baldwin’s character and allows him to speak from a place of experience. From the challenges of competing with siblings to those of overcoming adversity (albeit self-created), he can espouse the benefits of never giving in. Perhaps he’ll even start with a line from his infamous voice message: “Graduating class of 2010, ‘I am going to straighten your ass(es) out…’”

What can we learn from Meryl Streep, Lisa Kudrow, Al Gore and more? Find out at PopEater.

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Oh no, Jennifer Hudson. No, no, no!

The 4 worst hangover remedies.

I, too, will probably be this drunk at commencement.

I’ve lost track of the days and I no longer can distinguish between night and day. We drink round the clock now anyways so there doesn’t seem to be a reason for me to try to figure any of this out. But there are still a few things that I must get done before doomsday (known to my parents as commencement ceremonies).

TRY ON MY CAP AND GOWN
I thought it would be hilarious and trendsetting if I got a 4’11 gown for my 5’7 self. There’s a strong chance I will regret that decision when I’m the only one crossing the stage with bare legs. There’s a stronger chance that my family will be embarrassed. And there’s the strongest chance that cutting the top in a v-neck (they’re very in right now) will look more Salvation Army than American Apparel.

THROW EVERYTHING OUT
I have problems throwing things out. Especially if I got it for free. Because of this issue of mine (un-webmd-able…I’ve looked) I have quite the collection of heinously ugly Syracuse water bottles, fairy wings, and soy sauce packets. I never even once dreamed of dressing up like a fairy, but because I found the wings laying on a street on a rainy Halloween circa 2007 I kept them. I don’t know what I planned to do with them over the past three years, but I kept telling myself you never know when you might need them. Turns out I never did.

EAT ANYTHING EDIBLE/NON-TOXIC IN MY FRIDGE
As my above to-do shows, I have trouble wasting things. So it will literally kill me when I have to throw out all the partially used food items in my fridge. It’s not so much food like chicken or pasta but more like condiments and expired hummus. So I’m going to have to buy myself a box of crackers and prepare myself to eat them with everything: tomato sauce, mustard, butter, and oregano spice.

CALL EVERY GUY I HOOKED UP WITH AND ASK HIM WHAT WENT WRONG
Scratch that. I just copied that from an upcoming ABC family movie that I’m very excited to see.

GET OVERLY EMOTIONAL
There’s going to be a lot of crying over the next few days. And for the first time in my life no one is going to tell me to pull myself together because I look ugly when I cry. Not because I look pretty now when I cry, but more because everyone else will be crying and won’t notice the way my face contorts in unnatural ways. Every time someone points out that something is the “last” I get really teary. And as everyone points out every two seconds, everything these days is the last.

And on that note, this is my last senioritis. I’m no longer suffering from the condition. I’m soon to move on to the more serious condition of “unemployeed-living-at-home-kill-me.”

Pray for me.

I remember my college graduation like it was yesterday. After a group of my friends threw an open bar graduation party for family and friends the night before, I woke up graduation morning hungover, naked and confused about  my whereabouts. I rolled over to find myself lying next to the first college friend I made at orientation.

“Fitting,” I thought to myself. Then I grabbed my clothes (all but one shoe…which I told myself I could live without) and ran out the door. If I didn’t get home soon, I would be late for graduation.

I hailed a cab on the corner of the street and hopped in. On the short ride back to my house, I passed families all dressed up for the great moment that was their son/daughter/grandchild/cousin/brother/sister’s graduation. I looked down at the clothes I wore the night before and the unidentified scars that can only come from a night of heavy drinking on someone else’s tab.

“Fitting,” I thought to myself again.

When I got home, I threw open the door to find my roommates standing around the mirror attempting to get their caps on straight. They looked at me with a mixture of “you go, girl!” and “really? The day of graduation?” looks on their faces.

I ran to my room. There was no time to shower, so a ponytail and a fresh coat of makeup would have to do. I was meeting my family in 25 minutes and, being that it was MY graduation, I couldn’t be late. I threw on a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt, washed my face, threw my hair in a ponytail (thank god that cap covered all the grease) and was on my way. Before I could make it out the door with my roommates, though, a wave of nausea hit me.

I leaned over the porch and puked. On my honors cord.

“Fitting,” my best friend said as she fished my cap out of the bushes.

My roommates helped me wipe off my overpriced rayon gown and held my clammy hands as we made our way to the stadium. I chugged a bottle of water and chewed three pieces of gum before quickly greeting my family and getting in line for the procession.

The rest of graduation is kind of a haze. I walked with my friends while simultaneously talking to and looking for my parents in the sea of 100,000 people.  I spent the rest of the boring 2 hour ceremony talking to my friends over some boring speech by some dude I’d never heard of, all while praying to god that I could make it out of there before I puked again.

And then it was over. When all was said and done and our caps were thrown in the air, I started to sob. Somewhere in the stands my parents were also crying, but unlike their tears of joy and pride at their baby growing up, mine were tears of deep, deep sorrow.

College was officially over. The life I had worked towards for the past 16 years was about to begin. All the friends I had made were about to be gone.

I stood in a circle with my best friends and we all cried as the stands emptied out around us. Then one of them pulled a fifth of vodka out from under her gown and passed it around.

“How fitting,” I thought to myself. And it all was.

Any of you have graduation stories to share? Was it everything you thought it would be? Share your stories below!

As graduation time for many college seniors is looming in the distance, it’s important to remember the wise words of those that have gone before us. The most entertaining and witty of those was a 1997 column in the Chicago Tribune that was published as the author’s own version of a commencement address. It skips all of the b.s. of typical speeches and details why we should simply enjoy our lives right now! The column became famous and I always read it when I need a little boost. Just a little taste…

“Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else’s…

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.”

Read the full column here