Dear Obnoxious Phone Users of the World:

While I will never deny that my cell phone has allowed me the opportunity to amuse myself during a boring class, I understand that there is a time and a place for texting.  Please learn when it is appropriate to have a relationship solely with your keyboard.  In case you need some help, I have given some strict guidelines below.  Adhere to them or you will end up friendless. For real.

During a Broadway show: Whoever says that the little light from a cell phone in a darkened theater is not distracting to other people around them is LYING. Broadway tickets cost over $100, and it is never okay to distract an audience from someone’s beautiful voice with your clicky texting sounds. Furthermore, in small theaters the actors can see you texting. You can’t get much ruder than that.

During a movie: While significantly less expensive than most live theater, the continuous “click click click” sound and the cell phone light make me want to take my $12 Diet Coke and dump it all over you.

As an excuse not to call: While a couple of text messages are always appreciated, they do not replace a conversation. If you have a story to tell, don’t text it; pick up the phone and call.  It’s not that loving texts and cute stories are not appreciated, but it shows a lot more effort and care to have a ten minute phone conversation than to exchange 30 texts and have everyone around cringe at the endless vibrations. Read More »

"Here's the thing about us women..."

There are so many things I’ve wanted to say to guys over the years.

Things that would no doubt make my life (and the life of the girl who came along after me) so much easier…and pleasure-filled. Or things that I never got the chance to say because the boy decided to break up with me via email instead of growing some balls and saying it to my face and I didn’t want to look like the crazy bitch who can’t handle a break up and then sends back an angry email talking about how bad he was in bed and how he’s clearly over-compensating in his life for his lack of package.

Sorry. Little bit angry right now.

The point is, if I’ve learned anything from all my he said/she said-ing, it’s that communication is key when it comes to the relationship between men and women. They can’t read our minds and we can’t read theirs.  So I started thinking about all the things I’ve wanted to say to boys over the years – everything they need to know when it comes to us ladies – and I asked my guy to do the same.

Hopefully this will clear things up for all of us and we can all live happily ever after.
Now where’s my Nobel Prize? Read More »

Men are tricky creatures. As much as we may wish we could read their minds, it just isn’t possible (yet… come on, science!). But don’t worry, I have discovered a trick to help us understand them a little more.

We all know guys that have picked up Cosmo from time-to-time (or have a monthly subscription) to help them figure out what their women are thinking. Hell, I bet a bunch of guys are reading CollegeCandy right now to try and figure something out about their girlfriends. Well ladies, we can do the same thing! Taking a peek at the kind of dating and relationship advice guys are being fed is a great way to get into the mind of a dude and see why he acts the way he does. Every Wednesday I’ll be doing just that. Hopefully, this will explain a few things…

This Week’s Article: “Open Up to Her?” from askmen.com.

A reader writes to Doc Love (really? Doc Love?) because he has been having problems with the woman he has been dating for 21 months. He writes: “Caprice is now saying she doesn’t know if we’re compatible. She still says she loves me and is still touchy with me (so I don’t think it’s just Womanese). One of her specific complaints is that I don’t communicate, and that she doesn’t really know me. In your book you say not to talk too much about yourself and only tell her things that will raise her Interest Level. I shut my mouth and make sure I listen, but if she asks what I think about something and I think my answer will lower Interest Level, I don’t say anything. Should I open up more?”

Doc Love’s first move is to remind the writer that he is always right. He says: “”The System” works all the time on everything. If you missed something in the Dating Dictionary or misinterpreted my techniques, then it’s not a problem with my book; it’s a problem with you. So please don’t say it only works ‘up to a point.’” Wow, way to hit that cocky ball out of the park, Doc Love. You really think you have all the dating answers? There isn’t one single situation in the whole world that the Doc Love “system” might not work for?

I’m really hating this guy already. Read More »

I saw a guy yesterday wearing two pastel polo shirts with both collars popped. Yesterday. As in 2009. Where was this kid’s girlfriend/friends to inform him that the popped collar thing went out in 2005? Or, I don’t know, that the double pastel shirt look wasn’t OK on a guy even then? Friends don’t let friends pop their collars (anymore)!

I felt bad for the kid. Here he was, thinking he was lookin’ all cool in his pink and purple shirts while the rest of the world pointed and laughed. (And by “rest of the world,” I mean “me.” I couldn’t help it! He was wearing white loafers with them!) I wanted to reach out and give that kid a much needed makeover, but I was also late for a manicure so I just sort of let it go.

But now I want to give back. There are so many things that guys don’t know or understand. Whether they are getting bad information, or ignoring the good information that they get, guys are constantly misguided. This week I asked the CollegeCandy writers to share the most important piece of wisdom they would want guys to know. Pass this on to any and all men in your life – they need it. Share your own advice/thoughts in the comments section below!

Laura – St. Johns: Don’t fart on me. Seriously, my boyfriend did this last night and almost died.

Brithny – Duke: PMS stands for Permissible Man-Slaughter and also Preposterous Mood Swings. So during that time, please forgive us for anything crazy we may do. And lots of wine and candy would be nice too.

Charlsie – Hollins: When you are in a relationship, the number of people your girlfriend has slept with before you has no correlation with how much she loves you, adores you, and wants to be with YOU. Don’t bring up the past — she loves YOU!

Lauren – University of Michigan: When you are workin’ on a lady with your hand, deeper does not mean better. You are not a gyno…and we don’t really want you to be. Read More »

I recently ran into an article in Cosmo in which a guy listed 10 things he wished girls knew about guys.  Funny, sure, but not quite on target about everything. Anyway, it got me thinking about some things that I think guys need to know about us.

1.  We don’t like it when you fart.  Especially if you do it in bed, or while we’re eating.  Gross, not funny… and you’re wasting your time thinking that we’ll ever “learn to love them.”

2.  Don’t make fun of us when we’re with our friends.  Funny in small doses, annoying when you do it constantly.  Keep doing it and you’ll pretty much guarantee yourself no “goodies” for awhile.

3.  We know you’re hot, that’s one of the reasons we’re dating you.  But that doesn’t mean you have to act like you know how hot you are by constantly walking around shirtless, flexing your muscles, etc. Confidence is hot – cockiness is not. Read More »

Oh, teenage Gemma. The things I wish you knew, about life, love, and so much more. But since that’s a lot to cover in one letter, let’s start with something a little simpler. Dating. The things you don’t know, teenage Gemma, could fill an O Chem textbook. If only I could share with you some of the lessons I’ve learned, sometimes the very, very hard way.

First, the basics.

Be honest with yourself, always. Do you like him, or do you like how much he likes you? Because, trust me, that will never be enough in the end. It’s flattering to have someone who clearly worships the ground you walk on, but don’t get so wrapped up in what he thinks of you that you don’t really think through what you think of him. It’s a two-way street, and there is nothing wrong with deciding that someone simply isn’t for you. Dating isn’t about long term commitment, it’s about trying something on for size. If it grows into something more serious, that’s fantastic, but if not, there is nothing wrong with deciding it’s not really for you. You’ll both hurt a lot more the farther you let it go.

In that same ‘be honest’ vein, be honest about yourself! If you think a band sucks, say so. Don’t pander to someone’s tastes to make them think you’re cool. You know what’s cool? Having opinions and sticking by them. Remember who you are, always. They should be as interested in learning from you as you are from them, and if they blow off your interests, that’s a pretty big red flag. Read More »

So last week while talking to my male friend about red flags that send guys running, he touched on girls being crazy bitches. Because that is what all men say: they don’t like girls who are crazy bitches. I personally believe that guys think every girl is a crazy bitch (they throw the term and judgement around so easily), so I wanted to find out what this guy considered crazy.

Please note: I went a little crazy talking to him, so I apologize if I ruined it for the rest of you. I take full responsibility for my actions and am going to let all men know that I do not represent our entire gender. And, boys, I’m normally cool as a cucumber – when I’m medicated with caffiene and chocolate – so don’t run! Read More »

Today is Facebook’s 5th birthday. Can you believe it? Five years? We’ve been stalking our friends (and friends of friends of friends) for 5 whole years?!

I’m always astonished by how quickly novelty becomes routine, and how easily routine slides dismally into annoyance. When I first logged on to Facebook, you know, senior year of high school – damn! – there they were, Joe and Chelsea and Ian and Howie and, oh boy! When did I get so many friends? And when did everyone start looking so good in pictures? My excitement was boundless. I was so pumped, I posted on my own wall.

Since then, the spell has worn off a bit. Facebook has become at best a boring tool (the seventh simple machine?) and at worst a recipe for failing your finals. We’ve all spent those wee-morning hours clicking through photos of proms and parties past. We’ve lost (real-life) friends over comment arguments about “just how drunk Mandy was” in that one album. And now our mothers are on Facebook, and they’ve Bitten us. “Start Biting people, and raise your own Vampire Horde!” Thanks, Mom!

But c’mon, Facebook’s great, right? We really do love it. It’s like a drug. And if you took that drug away, the withdrawal symptoms would be severe. In a world where all our Facebook connections were replaced by tin-can telephones, what couldn’t we do? More importantly, would we be able to park our culture in the handicapped spot? Read More »

Let’s face it, the economy sucks right now. Not all of us can afford the things we want, and many of us are scraping by to make ends meet with the looming doom of student loans on our backs. It seems like the recession isn’t just some news-media craze, it is prodding its way into everything these days – even relationships!

Although talk of the economy seems to be everywhere, not everyone realizes the impact that it can have on relationships. Imagine your significant other having no worries because his parents dish out money at the drop of a hat (and then some), while you are fretting about next semester’s tuition. He may not understand the stress or the frustration because his financial situation (thanks to Mom & Dad) hasn’t changed like yours, and that in itself can complicate things.

Here’s some ways to keep money out of the picture in this economy:

1) Don’t make money an issue (or at least a big one) – This is very important! You are dating him because you like him, and whether or not you have money or you are having a hard time financially, it should not be a main staple in your relationship.

2) Communication – Be honest with him. If you think he bragging about his more fortunate life, tell him how it makes you feel. If you don’t feel right about going out to a fancy dinner that you can’t afford, tell him that. Although it’s important to not make money an issue (especially an underlying one in your relationship), it is important to talk about your worries.

3) Do not play the victim card – Even if you are having a hard time, it’s not right to throw your financial problems on someone else and expect him to pay for everything.

4) Gifts are nice – Presents and gifts are nice, but they aren’t required in a relationship. If your man tries to buy you nice things constantly, tell him that money can’t buy your love and let him know that you appreciate it, but you don’t expect it. And most of all, don’t forget to say thank you. Read More »

I am a Cosmo devotee. Have been since I started stealing my mom’s when I was twelve. I am amazed monthly by the hair, the witty captions, and their never ending innovation of synonyms for the word penis. Many of my friends, acquaintances, relatives and sisters swear by Cosmo as their Bible (and for the most part I do too). But there are some times (well…many times) when Cosmo’s take on real world situations is – in a word – whack.

I will still accept their declarations of lip gloss superiority like they were handed down from the divine, but when it comes to their interpretation of all things men (or at least all things greatly generalized and stereotyped), I think I’ll be reading with a grain of salt handy.

And I’ll pass that grain onto you. With every passing month and, in turn, every new “Secret Sex Fantasy Guys Won’t Tell You!” revealed, I will be here to break it all down for you. I will find the truth buried deep between the unsafe sex positions and “things he secretly loves you for,” so you don’t end up with a stiff neck, an angry boyfriend or some seriously embarrassing sexcapades.]

This month, Cosmo published a wonderful/accidentally hilarious article titled “Fascinating Facts About Men.” Naturally intrigued by the offer of any additional knowledge to help me decipher what the hell goes through my boyfriend’s mind, I delved into the article. The facts, if not all that surprising, did explain some of the reasons WHY men do such inexplicable things occasionally. Far more interesting, however, were Cosmo’s interpretations and addendums to the facts. I took it upon myself to conduct my own “scientific” (read: slightly drunk with several girlfriends) analysis.

1. “Men with elevated levels of testosterone may have trouble commiting, because it suppresses vasopressin and oxytocin, chemicals that encourage bonding.”

Cosmo says: “Signs a dude has a high dosage of it: strong brow, defined cheekbones, thin lips, pronounced jawline, broad shoulders, muscular body, large penis, ring finger longer than his index finger.”

Kari says: Cosmo just described Robert Pattinson, as far as I’m concerned (not that I can confirm the part about his schlong). So, yeah, I’d have trouble committing too if hundreds, quite possibly thousands, of women would literally do anything to screw me. I also enjoyed the sculpted physique and stunning profile of the little cartoon man that Cosmo supplied, perhaps a little too much. Thus reinforcing my theory about it not being the testosterone itself that makes a playa, but the hot face and rockin’ bod it creates. Read More »