Ahhh, Fourth of July.

It’s not a holiday that carries the burden of gift exchange, and you don’t feel guilty if you don’t spend it with your family. Is that why it’s one of the best days to celebrate? People make plans for the Fourth months in advance, which is more than we can say for St. Patrick’s day, its celebratory-drunkfest cousin. So what is it that makes Independence Day so special? I mean… other than the fact that we have freedom of speech and right to assemble and such.

1. Fireworks.

They appeal to everyone. The rebels can light stuff on fire and blow things up. The artists can appreciate the colorful patterns of light against a midnight sky. And the lovers can tell themselves it’s okay if they just did it in a park on a blanket. Fireworks and Fourth of July are like Mistletoe and Christmas. They just aren’t as cool if you pick the wrong day.

2. Hot Dogs.

Am I the only one that kind of thinks Joey Chestnut is hot? Or the only person who has the SNL Saturday TV Funhouse featuring Takero Kobayashi bookmarked? Seriously, my inner fat kid can live vicariously through these competitive eaters. It’s like rubbernecking a bad car crash — you can’t help but cheer when 90-something-pound Sonja Thomas proceeds to chomp 8 hot dogs in about 15 seconds. Sonja, your metabolism is the kind of freedom every girl wishes for this Fourth of July.

3. Bank Holidays.

This year, the 4th occurs on a Saturday. My office is having a half day on the 2nd, and a full day off on the third. That’s a 3 1/2 day weekend, all because we gained our independence from the Brits a couple hundred years ago. Score! Many of us that do have to work can rest assured that we’re getting time and a half, and a lot of places have extended their patriotic holiday to include closings on Monday the 6th. Awesome!

4. Bikinis.

Really, the 4th is the only summer holiday. Sure, if you live some place with consistent warm weather, like California, Florida, or Hawaii, you can have pool parties and cookouts whenever you like. But even if it is nice weather year-round, can you really justify a bathing suit at Christmas dinner? Whether you’re having a party or a family get-together on the fourth, you can express your independence in a string bikini and get away with it this weekend

5. Colored booze.

For St. Pat’s, they dye the beer green. BFD. For the fourth, you have a plethora of options, especially since there are THREE patriotic colors. From red strawberry daiquiris to blue Electric Iced Teas, you can mask your social drinking problem and look festive all at once! A lot of barbecues will be supplying cherry and blueberry Jell-O shots for the occasion, or just swing back a PBR and boast that you’re a true, red-blooded American.

If these aren’t enough reason to love the fourth, then I suggest you flip on TBS — hello, Independence Day is bound to be playing on repeat. Not only can you get your daily dose of Will Smith, but you can repeat the line “Welcome to Earf” until it’s just not funny anymore.

What type of independence are you celebrating this year?

Dear Nadya Suleman,

Ever since you gave birth to octuplets last week, the media just can’t stop talking about you. Which seems to suit you just fine; we heard that you’ve hired an agent to help you break into TV. Splendid!

t’s good to see a mother who just loves using her kids for cash flow her children.

You’ll definitely make tons of money from doing interviews, and you’ll even get to meet celebrities. Maybe you’ll even be on Oprah! Or even Maury Povich – he loves those “Who’s the Daddy?” shows!

I noticed you were hoping to land a job on some news show or another as an “on-camera childcare expert.” I’m thinking you are better suited to be a baby-making expert (14 kids under the age of 7…and you are only 33!), but that’s neither here nor there.

Soon, everyone in America will know your name. But listen, if you really wanted to be famous so badly, there’s ways to do so that are a lot easier than going through the pain of giving birth to 14 babies. For example, you could star on a reality show. There once was a time when an ugly blonde girl named Heidi Montag was just another ugly blonde girl trying to make it big in Hollywood. And look at her now, thanks to The Hills! That could be you, Nadya! You, too, could have an ugly D-bag boyfriend, fake everything, and lots and lots of Chanel bags.

Another great option for you, since you apparently like having a million things in your belly, is becoming a competitive eater on ESPN! I can only imagine shoving 98 hotdogs IN is a lot easier than pushing 14 babies OUT. And remember how everyone was obsessed with the guy who won the Nathan’s Hot Dog-Eating contest all those years in a row? That could be you!

Or maybe you could be the big winner on a game show like Jeopardy! or Deal or No Deal. I think that guy who made millions on Jeopardy! got a book deal and even a few TV and commercial appearances out of it.

If all those sound like too much work, you could just become an internet sensation. Post a YouTube video of yourself doing something stupid (or falling off of a table) and you could become an overnight star!

See?  There’s lots of ways you could be famous without having to push 14 babies out of your body… and then change all those diapers…and try to find a man willing to be a step-dad to 14 kids….and pay for their college tuition.

Maybe that’s something to think about if this whole TV childcare-expert thing doesn’t work out for you.

Just a thought.

Good luck with the kids (and congrats for beating Brad and Angie at their own game!),

Laura

• Think you’re going through a dry spell? “The average [amount of sex oppourtunities] in the engineering school is probably like once a semester.” Tragic. (Miami Herald)

• The French Prime Minister’s son likes poop. And Facebook! And embarrassing his family! (Telegraph.co.uk)

• “Having women well represented in the corporate boardroom can help improve financial performance.” Maybe with that extra money we can all get paid equally…maybe? (Yahoo!)

• Why is it that I could feasibly post a variation of this story everyday? Stop the madness! (Telegraph.co.uk)

• Some fat guy ate 21 pounds of grits and won $4,000. That works out to be about $190 a pound. It was for the glory, people! (seattlepi.com)