Megan Fox is on the cover of this month’s Cosmo, which kind of makes me wonder why I haven’t seen her around lately. She’s been pretty MIA for a while, so I was glad to find out she was still alive, even though my self-esteem takes a nose-dive every time I see her. April is my birth month (I turn 21 on the tenth!) so I was excited to learn that in addition to my hopefully-copious amounts of Birthday Sex, I can learn “The Hard-Core New Success Secret to You On Top Sex,” “What He Wants to SEE During Sex” and a little quip about Ryan Gosling’s butt – yum.

In Megan Fox’s piece, she gushes about how wonderful it is to be married. I can’t help but wonder – how did that happen? I thought she was going to be a single vixen forever – a la Angelina Jolie (because her and Brad aren’t technically married). But she does call herself out in the Cosmo Quiz by saying, “I’m not as vapid/bitchy or fit as I look.” Well, that’s good; at least you’re acknowledging your permanent bitch-face, although she seems pretty genuine in this article. She also admits that her celebrity crush is Johnny Depp. Me too, Megan. I’ve never wanted a pirate more. Read More »

Oh, Scarlett Johansson, you look like you climbed out of a classy strip club that only gave you clothes from the clearance rack in Wet Seal. WHAT happened? I’ll give it to Cosmo and their ability to take a modest and bangin’ starlet and turn her into a slutty hybrid of herself — yeesh.

Moving on from that bad purple lace dress and nappy hair job, I flew across some interesting factoids about how to boost his ego after sex. How does Cosmo want you to do it? Say, “That thing you do with your tongue is unbelievable!” Whew, I’m getting exhausted just thinking about this. But maybe it’s just been too long since I’ve had a popsicle. Later, Cosmo dug into Google to see what men want to know most about women. The top search? “Why does my girlfriend’s vag smell.”  Great, looks like men STILL don’t care about anything but sex.

In a touchy-feely article called ‘Touches That Lock Down His Love,’ Cosmo taught us that stroking his earlobe between your thumb and index finger calms him when he’s stressed. And when he’s telling you a story you’re suppose to reach toward him with your palm up. Finally, an article jam packed of quirky things I can do with my hands to make him fall in love with me!

In one of the more disgusting articles of the month, Cosmo listed some whacked-out one liners of men talking about “that time of the month.” Let’s just say the first line I read was, “Does the blood come out of your sex hole or one of the other two?” Then, I threw up in my mouth and moved on due the expense of man-ignorance and disgust.

But the best article of the month was the kinkiest one, of course; called ‘Kinky-Lite Sex Moves Guys Love.’ Meanwhile, I’ll try to decide if Cosmo knows the difference between the ‘O’ face and the ‘OMG WTF’ face.

Cosmo Says: Hand him your vibrator, and tell him to use it on himself while you watch.

Brittany Says: Well, that’s awkward. And not natural. You don’t eat a banana and then hand it to your boyfriend. “Hey, I want you to eat this so I can watch.” See? Not natural.

Cosmo Says: At a crowded bar, pull him into a dark corner, pin him up against a wall with your body, and stealthily slip your hands down his pants.

Brittany Says: I want to know what kind of bars people are hanging out at. Where there aren’t many people and enough dark corners to pull something like this off. I know any bar I went to would see more than they bargained for if this went down.

Cosmo Says: Order him to not get an erection when you go down on him. Once he does, punish him by throwing him on the bed.

Brittany Says: Ugh, how confusing! “You feel GREAT right now because I’m touching you? YOU NEED TO STOP.” If anything, do something like this if your boyfriend is all up in your tree when you’re not feeling it. He will get thoroughly confused and pipe right down.

Cosmo Says: Use a nontoxic, washable marker to write numbers on your body parts that indicate what order he should lick them.

Brittany Says: Do you guys remember those scented black licorice markers you used in third grade? Suddenly I have that taste in my mouth when I used to try and eat them. Weird.

I have this new philosophy. You can take it with a grain of salt…or just a dainty little tea cup filled to the brim with Earl Grey. Yep, my philosophy has to do with acting like the fabulous french women do. We all feel it. When we bounce out of college we all suddenly want to be crazy classy and successful in the dating world. For me to conquer those two goals, I need a diagram or a list. In a happy hour epiphany, a girlfriend and I were discussing dating, stressful job situations and fashion. Then…it came out:

“I want to live like french women do.”

Fine, I’ll admit it. I got the idea from a recent Cosmopolitan article, sue me. But also, please nod in approval for me finding the only semi-classy article in Cosmo. The article inspired my heart strings. French women live fabulously, non-apologetically, mysteriously, seductively….I couldn’t pull my eyes away from it and obvi I have to share it with you. So aside from never shaving our armpits and being ‘totally natural’ let us live like the french women do. Read More »

Captain America loses to Jimmy Fallon…in beer pong

Don’t do this to your boyfriend….ever

Draco Malfoy: The delivery boy

Shocking things men don’t like…according to Cosmo

Last minute costume ideas before tonight’s premiere!

Jake Gyllenhaal is definitely a manly man

20 mental barriers you need to let go of

5 Reasons to throw away your old makeup

Can we all agree that Ohio is the weirdest state?

Man, after a long day at work, it sure is nice to curl up on my couch with a lusty and luscious Cosmo and some Cameron Diaz sideboob! Which, by the way, I stared at for 10 minutes, wondering what would happen to dear Cameron if a gust of wind (or just some heavy breathing) blew through. I mean, can that even qualify as a shirt?

It’s OK, Cosmo redeemed themselves quickly when I found an article called ‘Boys on the Rebound.’  Their goal? Decipher how long it would take each of the steaming hotties to get over their exes. How they came up with these calculations? Very scientifically, of course! A picture of Justin Timberlake in a deep and tight V-neck indicated he won’t be hurting for too long. Cosmo said 2 months tops. With those deep set eyes and tight abs rippling under his shirt, what is he waiting for anyway, right? Whatever Cosmo, looking like that it’s going to take him a day to find rebound. Because I’m flying to L.A. tomorrow to climb him like a Redwood tree (hey, he is wearing green).

In a hot state of affairs, I rushed to the ’101 Things About Men’ article to gain some insight on my future trip to build a fort in Justin Timberlake’s penthouse suite (or pants).  This month it’s all about emotions. Cosmo informed us that our tears cause his libido to tank. Apparently, when guys were asked to compare the smell of salt water and actual woman’s tears (how many episodes of One Tree Hill did they make those women watch?) activity in the areas of the brain men associate with sexual excitement decreased when they took a whiff of the crying stuff. Uh, it’s not like I’m a vampire and cry tears of blood, boys. Really, it’s not that scary, boys! But don’t worry ladies; if you’re too busy crying and freaking him out, Cosmo says you can seduce him in a single touch. By stroking his…. forearm.

Wow, definitely not where I thought Cosmo was goin’ with that one…

Moving on. Did you know Cosmo included Kingston Rossdale in their Stud Meter this month? That’s right, the 20-30-somethings at Cosmo declared a three-year-old a stud. Oh – what was that? He’s four? My bad, that just makes having a toddler next to George Clooney on the Stud Meter THAT much more appropriate. I need a loofah. I feel dirty. Read More »

When it comes to Cosmo, there are two things I believe in wholeheartedly:

1. It is best read in the privacy of your own bedroom (or bathroom).

2. Every celebrity that agrees to be on the cover signs an ‘airbrush the shiz outta my titties’ waver the moment they waltz in to the photoshoot with their bag of grapes and that teacup puppy in their purse.

Now, I don’t know for sure if Haley Williams has a puppy or likes grapes, but I do know that her boobs look like they were sketched by van Gogh himself. Work of art, people.

But let’s stop staring at Haley’s too-perfect cleavage, get comfy under the covers (or on the toilet – that’s OK, too) and get to the meat of Cosmo’s May issue.

First things first, in my favorite giggle section of the magazine, ’101 Things About Men,’ dudes were asked “what prompts you to propose to a woman?”  Wanna know what 62% of them actually said? “She does something amazing, I realize I want to be with her forever.” Ground breaking, right? I’m just really wondering what this ‘amazing’ thing entails; sprouting two va-jay-jays? Tying them up with our undies (we’ll get back to that later)? Hm. I’m gonna go with “just being ourselves” and hope for the best.

Next up: ‘How to Decode His Strut.’  I rubbed my hands together in anticipation…. then learned that “the power walker’ is ambitious and motivated. Thanks, Cosmo! I never could have come up with that intricate observation myself.  Do you think that for June you could help me decode my man’s blinking style? He twitches when we are up too late at night. Cosmo, does this mean he’s passionate and determined for success? Or that he thinks the cellulite on my thighs is sexy?

On the very next page, an article called ‘How Guys Really Feel About Your BO’ flitted past my eyes.  I chose not read on, because I’m a lady and I always smell like rainbows and unicorns and instead ran to the gym to get my stink on. Come to mama, boys! Read More »

I don’t know if I’ve been watching too much True Blood lately (or if it’s the orange mood lighting in my apartment right now), but Olivia Wilde’s face on the cover of Cosmo this month actually freaked me out. And she’s a beautiful human specimen!  Is Charlie Sheen doing the photoshop editing over at the Cosmo offices these days?  My face is not melting off because I’m looking at this cover, Sheen.  Nice try, though.

As usual, Cosmo was full of shenans (or shall I say “sheen-ans”? HA!)  this month beyond the glitched photo ops.  The first I took the giggles to was a ‘What Selena Is Really Thinking’ list below a picture of Selena Gomez about to smooch the Beibster.  First of all, I don’t care what that cute little adolescent mind is thinking while she goes in to plant one on those cotton candy Justin Bieber lips.  Keep that cute couple off of the same pages where ‘Kinky Sex‘ titles are lurking, OK!? Justin’s mother could be reading!

And in this month’s ‘Sexy vs. Skanky,’ drinking girly cocktails is sexy and drinking binges are skanky.  Obviously, my drunk-ass disagrees. Drinking binges happen to make the bingee look like Lady Gaga’s next back up dancer.  And that’s totally sexy, right? RIGHT?

Need a guy to toss you a compliment?  Has it simply been too long since he’s looked up and down your saucy set of lean machine legs and popped you a, “Damn girl, you fine?”  Cosmo says to bring your guy to the grocery store where the clerk always compliments your smile ,or the gym where your trainer always singles out your perfect form. Golly gee, why didn’t I think about that before?! Dragging my dude up to the sales clerk cowering in a corner stocking the Saltines just to lemon-squeeze a compliment out of him doesn’t sound desperate at all. Read More »

As my eyes scanned over the cover of the March issue of Cosmo, my mind was flooded with images of Glee porn. And nobody, I mean nobody, should ever have to experience mental images of Coach Beaste singing ‘Firework’ on a cafeteria table naked.

Between Lea Michele’s airbrushed cascading titty cleav, the Sex Quiz, demands to ‘Get Naked!’ and articles dedicated to ‘His Thighs Only,’ I had to check and make sure I didn’t accidentally grab a Playboy.  Um, ‘scuse me Cosmo, but do you need to start packaging condoms with your magazine from now on?  I’m feeling a little sexually violated.

Brace yourselves, College Candies, Cosmo has been hiding some dirty articles up their sleeves…and they are shaking ‘em all out out in this issue.  So, let’s get naked sit back and enjoy.

Let’s start with Lea Michele and her article ‘Lea’s Got a Naughty Side.‘  For reasons I can’t quite explain, she annoys me to the bitter core.  Seriously, my upper lip curls whenever I see her smug grin.  Maybe it’s because I feel like she knows something I don’t about being seductive and she’s never going to tell me. Or maybe I’m just associating her too much with Rachel Berry? I don’t know, but her quote about her favorite body part (butt) totally topped the hate-cake: “My mom say’s I have a good future behind me!” Oh honey, no. Read More »

And, obvi, we listen.

What’s LiLo’s get rich secret??

Is post-sex snacking an evolutionary thing?

What’s goin on over at Twitter HQ?

Sears collaborates with a UK fashion powerhouse.

Tell us: which CC writer is your favorite?

Justin Bieber’s got a new job!

5 albums you should be listening to right now.

If Jessica Alba’s bodacious blow-out didn’t catch my eye this month on the September cover of Cosmo, the giant ‘Untamed Va-jay-jays’ headline sure did.  What the hell is an untamed vajay? Seriously, this isn’t the Discovery Channel for body parts, Cosmo. Naturally (pun intended) I was gnawing at the bit to get inside the mag and get reading (because who doesn’t like headlines that read ‘Seduce Him! The Sexy Move That Works From 20 Feet Away’ and ‘Guy Sex Confessions.’ Yep, where’s my notepad?).

Beyond the cover, I’ve come to the scientific conclusion Cosmo has a weird obsession with Kristen Stewart. Last month they featured an article showcasing how classy her relationship with R-Patz was and this month an entire page was dedicated to a timeline of KStew’s looks growing up from 2002-2010, where Cosmo noted she is “fashion forward and glamorous.” I’m so glad Cosmo has confirmed bed head and deep frowns as edgy and ‘fashion forward.’ But even better, on the next page Cosmo showcased ‘Styles That Go Both Ways’ - AKA hairstyles that work for both male and female.  The first victim? Our homegirl Kristen, sized up next to Ed Westwick with a VIP flow cut. Awww, cute.

As I continued to flip through; I passed the casual ‘Sexy vs. Skanky’ article which stated the (extremely obvious) sexy and skanky things in the world (i.e. cycling sleeveless as sexy and cycling naked as skanky). For a second, I did think cycling naked was dead sexy, so I’m glad I could get this formally clarified by the experts at Cosmo.  Friends who back-stab, taking his identity and wearing a tee shirt as a dress were other skanky actions Cosmo claim as ‘no-no’s.’  Aren’t you happy you know that now? Me too.  A paragraph analyzing his Halo addiction flew past my fingertips in ’101 Things About Men’ and an article called ‘How to Have Perfect Timing’ lost my attention when the first bit of advice was to wake up at 7 A.M. and have a quickie.  And where does this give me the good wishes to have fabulous timing?? Read More »