Megan Fox is on the cover of this month’s Cosmo, which kind of makes me wonder why I haven’t seen her around lately. She’s been pretty MIA for a while, so I was glad to find out she was still alive, even though my self-esteem takes a nose-dive every time I see her. April is my birth month (I turn 21 on the tenth!) so I was excited to learn that in addition to my hopefully-copious amounts of Birthday Sex, I can learn “The Hard-Core New Success Secret to You On Top Sex,” “What He Wants to SEE During Sex” and a little quip about Ryan Gosling’s butt – yum.

In Megan Fox’s piece, she gushes about how wonderful it is to be married. I can’t help but wonder – how did that happen? I thought she was going to be a single vixen forever – a la Angelina Jolie (because her and Brad aren’t technically married). But she does call herself out in the Cosmo Quiz by saying, “I’m not as vapid/bitchy or fit as I look.” Well, that’s good; at least you’re acknowledging your permanent bitch-face, although she seems pretty genuine in this article. She also admits that her celebrity crush is Johnny Depp. Me too, Megan. I’ve never wanted a pirate more.

Cosmo’s big center article was “101 Things About Men!” My question is why 101? Why not just forget the last thing and leave it at an even 100? But I learned a lot from this piece. Like that men really are bad at listening, and it’s not their fault. To counteract this biological phenomenon I need to speak slowly and not approach him when he’s watching TV or something. Please, Cosmo, I know how to get a man’s attention. “Don’t tell him anything important when he’s texting, or cooking.” Well, no crap. I don’t want to be berated when I’m busy either. Common sense. Maybe men and women are more alike than we think – none of that “women are from Venus” bologna.

In an article titled “The Thing He’s Dying To See During Sex”, Cosmo talks about how to give your man the best view during sex. According to Cosmo, “Men get intensely turned on watching themselves enter you.” Well, okay, that seems hot – except I’m really not concerned about what he wants to see during sex. I’m concentrating on the actual act of sex.

And joy, “The 50 Wildest Sex Secrets Revealed!” gave me enlightening insight to what turns guys on. I never knew a lot of these things before…(I am being sarcastic).

Cosmo says: “In an ideal world, vaginal intercourse would last ten to fifteen minutes.”

Molly says: “That’s it!?”

Cosmo says: “62% of men will have sex with a woman on her period.”

Molly says: “I’ve never given a man his red-wings. I feel like that would be…messy.”

Cosmo says: “44% of men wanted to, and have performed, anal sex.”

Molly says: “I’ve heard good things about it, but that is strictly an exit, not an entrance. I can’t believe it feels better than a really nice poop.”

Molly is slowly dying inside because she stupidly decided to take on a triple major in English, Journalism and Broadcasting at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln. Yes, we have electricity; no I don’t live on a farm. Follow my Midwestern ramblings @mahannah410 on twitter.

Oh, Scarlett Johansson, you look like you climbed out of a classy strip club that only gave you clothes from the clearance rack in Wet Seal. WHAT happened? I’ll give it to Cosmo and their ability to take a modest and bangin’ starlet and turn her into a slutty hybrid of herself — yeesh.

Moving on from that bad purple lace dress and nappy hair job, I flew across some interesting factoids about how to boost his ego after sex. How does Cosmo want you to do it? Say, “That thing you do with your tongue is unbelievable!” Whew, I’m getting exhausted just thinking about this. But maybe it’s just been too long since I’ve had a popsicle. Later, Cosmo dug into Google to see what men want to know most about women. The top search? “Why does my girlfriend’s vag smell.”  Great, looks like men STILL don’t care about anything but sex.

In a touchy-feely article called ‘Touches That Lock Down His Love,’ Cosmo taught us that stroking his earlobe between your thumb and index finger calms him when he’s stressed. And when he’s telling you a story you’re suppose to reach toward him with your palm up. Finally, an article jam packed of quirky things I can do with my hands to make him fall in love with me!

In one of the more disgusting articles of the month, Cosmo listed some whacked-out one liners of men talking about “that time of the month.” Let’s just say the first line I read was, “Does the blood come out of your sex hole or one of the other two?” Then, I threw up in my mouth and moved on due the expense of man-ignorance and disgust.

But the best article of the month was the kinkiest one, of course; called ‘Kinky-Lite Sex Moves Guys Love.’ Meanwhile, I’ll try to decide if Cosmo knows the difference between the ‘O’ face and the ‘OMG WTF’ face.

Cosmo Says: Hand him your vibrator, and tell him to use it on himself while you watch.

Brittany Says: Well, that’s awkward. And not natural. You don’t eat a banana and then hand it to your boyfriend. “Hey, I want you to eat this so I can watch.” See? Not natural.

Cosmo Says: At a crowded bar, pull him into a dark corner, pin him up against a wall with your body, and stealthily slip your hands down his pants.

Brittany Says: I want to know what kind of bars people are hanging out at. Where there aren’t many people and enough dark corners to pull something like this off. I know any bar I went to would see more than they bargained for if this went down.

Cosmo Says: Order him to not get an erection when you go down on him. Once he does, punish him by throwing him on the bed.

Brittany Says: Ugh, how confusing! “You feel GREAT right now because I’m touching you? YOU NEED TO STOP.” If anything, do something like this if your boyfriend is all up in your tree when you’re not feeling it. He will get thoroughly confused and pipe right down.

Cosmo Says: Use a nontoxic, washable marker to write numbers on your body parts that indicate what order he should lick them.

Brittany Says: Do you guys remember those scented black licorice markers you used in third grade? Suddenly I have that taste in my mouth when I used to try and eat them. Weird.

I have this new philosophy. You can take it with a grain of salt…or just a dainty little tea cup filled to the brim with Earl Grey. Yep, my philosophy has to do with acting like the fabulous french women do. We all feel it. When we bounce out of college we all suddenly want to be crazy classy and successful in the dating world. For me to conquer those two goals, I need a diagram or a list. In a happy hour epiphany, a girlfriend and I were discussing dating, stressful job situations and fashion. Then…it came out:

“I want to live like french women do.”

Fine, I’ll admit it. I got the idea from a recent Cosmopolitan article, sue me. But also, please nod in approval for me finding the only semi-classy article in Cosmo. The article inspired my heart strings. French women live fabulously, non-apologetically, mysteriously, seductively….I couldn’t pull my eyes away from it and obvi I have to share it with you. So aside from never shaving our armpits and being ‘totally natural’ let us live like the french women do.

French women are all about revealing less about themselves. You don’t have to close up like a clam whenever you meet someone new or clean out your desk at work…but keep things minimal. Dispense of personal information slowly. Professionals will respect you and the men you are dating will remain inquisitive and tuned in to your life because they want to know more, more, more.

Holding back about exposing too much information in text messages, in conversation — it doesn’t swallow who you are inside. If you tend to talk a lot and send super dirty text messages to boys, I’m not about to tell you to stop. But what I find mesmerizing is how French women keep their personality more exciting by slowly revealing information, being slightly playful and a little risque.

Also, did you know French women spend an estimated 20 percent of their income on lingerie?? This blows my mind. First of all, because I usually spend an estimated 25 dollars on lingerie in the Victoria’s Secret 5 for $25 underwear bin a year. Instead of saving sexy extras for special times, I vow to spend more on totally saucy lingerie. Set aside $20 a paycheck and buy a bomb diggity bra every once and a while. (Don’t use the word bomb diggity when describing it to your man, but whatever.) When we feel completely sexified under our clothing, how much sexier will we feel on the outside? Not to mention feeling insanely confident. Ugh, I’m in.

If you think this post sounds totally superficial, that’s fine. But I think it’s empowering. In a sense, women are punished for being too sexy (AKA slutty), but look — we’ve found a way to be tantalizing and seductive without the over-the-top fishnets. All we need to do is spritz on some musky perfume, wear more sexy lingerie (our little secret) and play with an air of French-like mystery that no man can ignore.

And, of course, combine your own personality into all of that. Which in my case, may mean wearing musky perfume and a hot pink lacy bra underwear set under a huge t-shirt and man sweatpants. On my couch. On a Wednesday afternoon.

I’m working on living like a seductive French woman, OK!

Captain America loses to Jimmy Fallon…in beer pong

Don’t do this to your boyfriend….ever

Draco Malfoy: The delivery boy

Shocking things men don’t like…according to Cosmo

Last minute costume ideas before tonight’s premiere!

Jake Gyllenhaal is definitely a manly man

20 mental barriers you need to let go of

5 Reasons to throw away your old makeup

Can we all agree that Ohio is the weirdest state?

It’s OK, Cosmo redeemed themselves quickly when I found an article called ‘Boys on the Rebound.’  Their goal? Decipher how long it would take each of the steaming hotties to get over their exes. How they came up with these calculations? Very scientifically, of course! A picture of Justin Timberlake in a deep and tight V-neck indicated he won’t be hurting for too long. Cosmo said 2 months tops. With those deep set eyes and tight abs rippling under his shirt, what is he waiting for anyway, right? Whatever Cosmo, looking like that it’s going to take him a day to find rebound. Because I’m flying to L.A. tomorrow to climb him like a Redwood tree (hey, he is wearing green).

In a hot state of affairs, I rushed to the ’101 Things About Men’ article to gain some insight on my future trip to build a fort in Justin Timberlake’s penthouse suite (or pants).  This month it’s all about emotions. Cosmo informed us that our tears cause his libido to tank. Apparently, when guys were asked to compare the smell of salt water and actual woman’s tears (how many episodes of One Tree Hill did they make those women watch?) activity in the areas of the brain men associate with sexual excitement decreased when they took a whiff of the crying stuff. Uh, it’s not like I’m a vampire and cry tears of blood, boys. Really, it’s not that scary, boys! But don’t worry ladies; if you’re too busy crying and freaking him out, Cosmo says you can seduce him in a single touch. By stroking his…. forearm.

Wow, definitely not where I thought Cosmo was goin’ with that one…

Moving on. Did you know Cosmo included Kingston Rossdale in their Stud Meter this month? That’s right, the 20-30-somethings at Cosmo declared a three-year-old a stud. Oh – what was that? He’s four? My bad, that just makes having a toddler next to George Clooney on the Stud Meter THAT much more appropriate. I need a loofah. I feel dirty.

Before we get to the really juicy stuff, I wanted highlight an article that lets you know if you’ve been teasin’ your man a bit too much. Apparently, if he’s developed carpal tunnel from curling his toes, he has a tattoo on his butt the shape of your hand from grabbing it too much and he asks to take five so he can carbo load, you are simply tantalizing him way too much. What?  There is such a thing as encouraging too much sexual excitement? I call BS.  Girls, you’re doing great – give him a cramp he won’t ever forget.

Finally, the article of the month is ‘Dirty Talk that Drives Men Wild.’ You can only imagine where this gem is going (hopefully it’s towards carpal tunnel in his toes). Here’s some dirty talk to get started; “Oh Cosmo, you’re so nasty and we love it!”

Cosmo Says: “For dessert, you’re going to eat my cake.”
Brittany Says: Now, that’s just false advertising. At least be a little less deceiving. Nothing can compare to a Dairy Queen ice cream cake, and if you’re trying to find something that does – you shouldn’t start with your hoo-hah.

Cosmo Says: “Your pee-pee fits me perfectly.”
Brittany Says: Because there’s nothing more tantalizing and sexual than referring to a man’s penis as his “pee-pee.” What is this, dirty talk for preschoolers?

Cosmo Says: “That orgasm was so intense, my eyes rolled so far back into my head that I could see my insides.”
Brittany Says: Ew, because that’s sexy. An insta-visual of your “inner self.” And I’m not talking about your amazing personality. And besides, if your eyes did roll all the way back into your head, I’m sure he noticed….and found it incredibly creepy to look at. Why rehash that disturbing moment?

Cosmo Says: “Okay, now bend me over and say ahhh!”
Brittany Says: I’m a firm believer that what happens in the bedroom should stay there. Which is why playing doctor always makes me a wee bit uncomfortable. What if Dr.Thermapolis tells you to do this during your next check up? Ummm, woah – awkward city.

Cosmo Says: “She straddled me, beat her chest and made the Tarzan call.”
Brittany Says: The only reason he likes it that any woman would beat her chest is because it makes her boobies jiggle back and forth. I’m sure there are other ways to recreate that without the weird mating call that will wake the neighbors.

Check out Cosmo’s other ridonk advice here.

1. It is best read in the privacy of your own bedroom (or bathroom).

2. Every celebrity that agrees to be on the cover signs an ‘airbrush the shiz outta my titties’ waver the moment they waltz in to the photoshoot with their bag of grapes and that teacup puppy in their purse.

Now, I don’t know for sure if Haley Williams has a puppy or likes grapes, but I do know that her boobs look like they were sketched by van Gogh himself. Work of art, people.

But let’s stop staring at Haley’s too-perfect cleavage, get comfy under the covers (or on the toilet – that’s OK, too) and get to the meat of Cosmo’s May issue.

First things first, in my favorite giggle section of the magazine, ’101 Things About Men,’ dudes were asked “what prompts you to propose to a woman?”  Wanna know what 62% of them actually said? “She does something amazing, I realize I want to be with her forever.” Ground breaking, right? I’m just really wondering what this ‘amazing’ thing entails; sprouting two va-jay-jays? Tying them up with our undies (we’ll get back to that later)? Hm. I’m gonna go with “just being ourselves” and hope for the best.

Next up: ‘How to Decode His Strut.’  I rubbed my hands together in anticipation…. then learned that “the power walker’ is ambitious and motivated. Thanks, Cosmo! I never could have come up with that intricate observation myself.  Do you think that for June you could help me decode my man’s blinking style? He twitches when we are up too late at night. Cosmo, does this mean he’s passionate and determined for success? Or that he thinks the cellulite on my thighs is sexy?

On the very next page, an article called ‘How Guys Really Feel About Your BO’ flitted past my eyes.  I chose not read on, because I’m a lady and I always smell like rainbows and unicorns and instead ran to the gym to get my stink on. Come to mama, boys!

In the infamous Cosmo beauty section, ‘His Picks,’ Cosmo tells us he wants us to take a stiff-bristled brush and rub it all over his body to soothe nerve endings.  Whoever came up with this idea really needs to stop searching for pleasure in their beauty cabinet. (Seriously, don’t start coming up with some kinky ass ways to use my bronzer!) I don’t know about the rest of you ladies, but I’m not down with sharing my hair brush with his pubic region. Whatever happened to using our good ol’ hands, hmmmm?

After discovering my ‘flirting style’ was sincere yet physical in the latest love and lust quiz, I gallantly landed upon a great sexual tantalizer (my favorite part of the mag!) called ’75 Sex Moves His Ex Didn’t Do.’  Guess that means it’s my chance to impress!

Let’s get started.

Cosmo Says: Blindfolded me or tied me up using her thong. It’s unexpected and would have been so freaking hot.
Brittany Says: This sounds positively horrific. Let’s move past the fact that a string that was up my butt is now dangerously close to your mouth, but can you imagine the strap marks he would get on his face!?!? Shudder.

Cosmo Says: Use her legs to spin her body in a circle while riding me.  That’s my ultimate dream move.
Brittany Says: Key words: dream move. Things like this only happen in American Pie spin offs (the porny kind) and Tucker Max books.  But hey, I try to see the positive in everything so if anyone out there can successfully pull off this move, I want to know you. And learn from you.

Cosmo Says: I’m all for round two, but my ex would always try to rush into it.  She didn’t understand my body needed a little time to recover – I’m not a porn star!
Brittany Says: Ugh, riddle me this: this article is about things ex-girlfriends didn’t do. Clearly this ex-girlfriend was doing all she possibly could, including trying to keep the spark alive with a turn-around rate of a McDonald’s order.

Cosmo Says: I wanted to be woken up in the middle of the night with her already riding me.
Brittany Says:  Surprise midnight attack ride?  I’ll be honest – I’d be afraid the dude wouldn’t wake up mid-mount.  Then, I’d have to lay back down with a hard understanding that I just humped my boyfriend and he kept dreaming about Call of Duty.

Cosmo Says: Whispered, ‘I’m so wet’ when we were out to dinner.
Brittany Says: What? Your ex never did that? Dude, I’m whispering this WHENEVER we get the basket of breadsticks at The Olive Garden.

Check out Cosmo’s other ridonk advice here.

As usual, Cosmo was full of shenans (or shall I say “sheen-ans”? HA!)  this month beyond the glitched photo ops.  The first I took the giggles to was a ‘What Selena Is Really Thinking’ list below a picture of Selena Gomez about to smooch the Beibster.  First of all, I don’t care what that cute little adolescent mind is thinking while she goes in to plant one on those cotton candy Justin Bieber lips.  Keep that cute couple off of the same pages where ‘Kinky Sex‘ titles are lurking, OK!? Justin’s mother could be reading!

And in this month’s ‘Sexy vs. Skanky,’ drinking girly cocktails is sexy and drinking binges are skanky.  Obviously, my drunk-ass disagrees. Drinking binges happen to make the bingee look like Lady Gaga’s next back up dancer.  And that’s totally sexy, right? RIGHT?

Need a guy to toss you a compliment?  Has it simply been too long since he’s looked up and down your saucy set of lean machine legs and popped you a, “Damn girl, you fine?”  Cosmo says to bring your guy to the grocery store where the clerk always compliments your smile ,or the gym where your trainer always singles out your perfect form. Golly gee, why didn’t I think about that before?! Dragging my dude up to the sales clerk cowering in a corner stocking the Saltines just to lemon-squeeze a compliment out of him doesn’t sound desperate at all.

One of the most annoying articles I found this month featured a hot personal trainer giving advice on how to pick dudes up at the gym.  His advice?  Doucher McDoucherton claims that girls that run too fast or lift weights are too intimidating to approach, but girls who flow through the gym casually talking to people and keeping their iTunes at a minimum are perfectly approachable.  Which makes sense, because we all go to the gym to let a soft breeze flow gently against our skin while wisps of our bangs tickle our eyelashes seductively.  Who actually goes there to sweat, breathe like a hyena and look like a hot mess doing it?  Uh, thanks but no thanks, trainer. I don’t wanna end up with a Ronnie-Roid-Rager, anyway.

Another bit of sauced up advice before we get to the good stuff? In ‘Beauty His Picks,’ Cosmo tells us to mix kiwi and bananas together and rub it all over each other’s faces for a natural face mask.  Uh, I wouldn’t do this with a dude if I was stranded on an island with Liam Hemsworth wearing loin cloths….

OK, fine, maybe I would. But still, it’s weird.

But not as weird as Cosmo’s behemoth of a sex advice column this month. Apparently Cosmo thinks no one has any time in their lives these days for sex, so they’re helping us out in a time crunch with this doozie: ’50 Ways to Seduce Him in Seconds.’ One…two…three, let’s go!

Hurry! Before you miss something!

Cosmo Says: Slip an X-rated doodle – like a couple getting it on doggie-style – into his coat pocket. To make your intentions crystal clear, title it ‘What I Can’t Wait to Do Tonight.”
Brittany Says: I can see already that my lover would be completely thrown off. ‘Oh, honey – you can’t wait to walk the dog tonight?’  Since when did Cosmo immediately assume I was an artist?

Cosmo Says: “Drop” your purse by his feet in the middle of a crowded store. When you stand up from retrieving it, run your fingers the whole way up his leg and over his crotch.
Brittany Says: If I wanted to do the Jersey Turnpike (face down, ass up), I’d go to Jersey. Or a frat party. I really don’t need to butt hump my man next to the produce section (and a mom pushing her toddler in a cart) at the neighborhood grocery store. That’s almost as innaprop as those Bieber dreams I’ve been having….

Cosmo Says: You know those treats you used to find at the bottom of a cereal box? One morning, I hid the new finger vibrator I’d just gotten in my guy’s cereal for him to discover.
Brittany Says: I don’t even know what to say about this.  I am, however, having some difficulty downing this bowl of Chex right now.

Cosmo Says: Label areas of the house where you two have never gotten busy with creative titles like The Doggie-Style Den or The Oral Corner.  Tell him the goal for the night is to move from station to station until the whole place is christened.
Brittany Says: Actually this is HILARIOUS.  If I ever tried to do this with my guy, we would never get past the Kegel Kitchen because I would be too busy laughing my ass off in the Nasty Nook.

Oh Cosmo, how I love thee.

Check out Cosmo’s other ridonk advice here.

Between Lea Michele’s airbrushed cascading titty cleav, the Sex Quiz, demands to ‘Get Naked!’ and articles dedicated to ‘His Thighs Only,’ I had to check and make sure I didn’t accidentally grab a Playboy.  Um, ‘scuse me Cosmo, but do you need to start packaging condoms with your magazine from now on?  I’m feeling a little sexually violated.

Brace yourselves, College Candies, Cosmo has been hiding some dirty articles up their sleeves…and they are shaking ‘em all out out in this issue.  So, let’s get naked sit back and enjoy.

Let’s start with Lea Michele and her article ‘Lea’s Got a Naughty Side.‘  For reasons I can’t quite explain, she annoys me to the bitter core.  Seriously, my upper lip curls whenever I see her smug grin.  Maybe it’s because I feel like she knows something I don’t about being seductive and she’s never going to tell me. Or maybe I’m just associating her too much with Rachel Berry? I don’t know, but her quote about her favorite body part (butt) totally topped the hate-cake: “My mom say’s I have a good future behind me!” Oh honey, no.

In my favorite feature ‘sexy vs. skanky,’ I learned that giving lap dances in public is skanky and putting your leg on his lap is sexy.  So for those of you who were unaware that humping people to oblivion in a room full of onlookers wasn’t nearly as cute as a little bf/gf touching, well, now you do. Thank you, Cosmo!

After passing ‘The Sex Quiz You Must Take’ simply because the title seemed demanding, I came across ‘Where to Meet Your Future Boyfriend.’ Oh, great – ever since I caught ‘The Craigslist Killer’ on Lifetime, it was getting a little too etch a sketch for me.  They suggest going to a coffee-tasting, book releases, anywhere you’ve bought a Groupon…. Ugh call me old fashioned, but I’d rather drop my bing cherries in the grocery store and wait for one to roll next to the toe of my dream man.

And for fun, here are the mini titles under the article ‘The Erotic Touch That Draws Him Closer’: The Slippery Nipple, The Gliding Light, The Wonder Ball, The Cheek Charger and The Lip Service.  It looks like Cosmo took a bunch of ’70s sitcoms and changed their names to describe perverted sexual favors.

Lastly, since I’m a Minnesotan and really take ‘staying warm’ advice to heart, I thoroughly enjoyed this month’s doozie: ’25 Fun Ways to Go Naked…Without Freezing Your Butt Off. Well, at least I thought I would. With advice like this, I’ll take frozen fingers and spontaneously erecting nipples any day.

Cosmo Says: Play strip Jenga in front of the space heater.
Brittany Says: One word: dangerous. I don’t sh*t around when it comes to Jenga.  And if it’s one thing I like to do amidst victory and satisfaction, it’s celebrate.  That space heater would be tucked in between my naked butt cheeks quicker than you can yell ‘Jenga!’

Cosmo Says: Get hot working out nude to a hard-core Jillian Michaels DVD.
Brittany Says: I wouldn’t want to work out to Jillian’s evil screams fully clothed, so what the thought of doing so as my boobs nearly knock me to the ground while I’m doing a jumping jack couldn’t be less appealing. Warming up doesn’t matter when you’ve got a black eye from your own tit.

Cosmo Says: Take a naked yoga class.  Stand in the front to avoid a full view of your friend’s downward dog.
Brittany Says: This is not OK for many reasons.  I can appreciate what God gave me and my friends but nobody needs to appreciate a full on nose to a glory hole encounter with my BFF. And trust me, I’ve done the math.  There is only so much room offered in the front row.

Cosmo Says: Have a body-paint party. $10 if you’re clothed, gratis if you drop trou and paint your parts.
Brittany Says: Let’s reflect on how this would unravel: “Hey Joe, welcome to the party! Look, I painted a bush on my hoo-hah!” Awesome.

Cosmo Says: Go on a naked run.
Brittany Says: …….

P.S. If you haven’t yet, pick up a copy of this month’s Cosmo and turn to page 36 to see Caitlin, CollegeCandy’s beauty blogger, in all her beuaty-product-loving glory!

And, obvi, we listen.

What’s LiLo’s get rich secret??

Is post-sex snacking an evolutionary thing?

What’s goin on over at Twitter HQ?

Sears collaborates with a UK fashion powerhouse.

Tell us: which CC writer is your favorite?

Justin Bieber’s got a new job!

5 albums you should be listening to right now.

Beyond the cover, I’ve come to the scientific conclusion Cosmo has a weird obsession with Kristen Stewart. Last month they featured an article showcasing how classy her relationship with R-Patz was and this month an entire page was dedicated to a timeline of KStew’s looks growing up from 2002-2010, where Cosmo noted she is “fashion forward and glamorous.” I’m so glad Cosmo has confirmed bed head and deep frowns as edgy and ‘fashion forward.’ But even better, on the next page Cosmo showcased ‘Styles That Go Both Ways’ - AKA hairstyles that work for both male and female.  The first victim? Our homegirl Kristen, sized up next to Ed Westwick with a VIP flow cut. Awww, cute.

As I continued to flip through; I passed the casual ‘Sexy vs. Skanky’ article which stated the (extremely obvious) sexy and skanky things in the world (i.e. cycling sleeveless as sexy and cycling naked as skanky). For a second, I did think cycling naked was dead sexy, so I’m glad I could get this formally clarified by the experts at Cosmo.  Friends who back-stab, taking his identity and wearing a tee shirt as a dress were other skanky actions Cosmo claim as ‘no-no’s.’  Aren’t you happy you know that now? Me too.  A paragraph analyzing his Halo addiction flew past my fingertips in ’101 Things About Men’ and an article called ‘How to Have Perfect Timing’ lost my attention when the first bit of advice was to wake up at 7 A.M. and have a quickie.  And where does this give me the good wishes to have fabulous timing??

As I breezed past the thigh-slimming secrets (who really reads those anyway?) and dissected Chelsea Handler’s small feature (I rip those out and keep them in a separate folder because they are so hilarious), I came across the article that took my breath away in soft giggles. The article is called ’8 Touches That Tell Him Everything.’ Oh, everything??? Let’s get this party started. I’ve always been a big fan of communication sans actual words.

Cosmo Says: When you want to let him know he’s awesome…pat him on the butt.
Brittany Says: I say go all old-school-style on him and spank him only when he’s naughty. But I’m just traditional that way…

Cosmo Says: When you need to say “I’m sorry”….reach over and squeeze his knee (while you’re both sitting).
Brittany Says: Because if you’re standing and squeeze his knee, that would be awkward. And he’d buckle and fall to the ground.  And actually saying, “I’m sorry,” would send mixed and unnecessary signals.

Cosmo Says: When he’s bummed out…lightly scratch his neck along the hairline.
Brittany Says: But for the love of all that’s right in the world, DO NOT scratch him 1 inch away from his left ear… it must be along the hairline or he’ll have no idea what you’re trying to tell him.  No need to be so technical about scratching location, Cosmo; I say when he’s bummed out, buy him some beer and give him a back rub while he watches Man vs. Wild… or Man vs. Food.

Cosmo Says: When you want to get him to do something he doesn’t want to do. . .grasp his hands and coax them into prayer position, then position your hands over his.
Brittany Says: I’m dying to know what comes next in this ‘tell-him-everything-by-touching-101.’  What prayer do you recite? Do you end the convo with a breathy ‘Namaste’?

Cosmo Says: When he’s angry and you need to defuse a fight. . .place your hand on top of his shoulder, keeping your elbow straight.
Brittany Says: I see the difficulty I would have with this gesture.  What if he bends over and ties his shoe? What if he goes to grab something from the cupboard?  How am I going to keep my arm straight? How is this ever going to work correctly, Cosmo!?! Tell me!?

…. I am not sure most of this advice is worth the paper it’s printed on, but I guess I do owe Cosmo some major props. At least this article wasn’t entitled “8 Sex Positions That Tell Him Everything.” Though, there’s always next month.