Every month Cosmopolitan challenges me with article titles such as: “Sex Positions You’ve Never Tried!” Not believing them, combined with my love of a challenge, I took a gander at the list of positions they’d laid out for me. I’d been looking for a little more adventure in my life and I’ve always been all about trying everything once.

Until now.

Based on the names alone, I had no problem saying, “You’re right, Cosmo, I never have tried the Erotic Accordion… and I never want to.” Yes, I actually spoke out loud to my monthly magazine.

Here are a list of some Cosmo-recommended sex positions that sound less than pleasurable. Try them if you dare. I will not: Read More »

Um, Justin Timberlake and Rihanna? WTF?

Forget scrunchies – use your undies!

Heather Locklear’s back at Melrose Place.

Healthy hair will save your life.

How to date without the booze.

K-Fed got fat…to make a couple bucks.

[Yes, I realize this month's Cosmo breakdown is a little bit late. Sorry 'bout that. But better late than never, right? Especially with the poop Cosmo was throwing at the wall this month.]

This month, Cosmo’s Guy Report includes some of the usual brilliant suggestions from staffers, as well as expert opinion (read: random dudes interns found on the street) on everything from tatted up ladies to the little signals he’s allegedly sending us.

3 Things He Says That Seem Innocent But Aren’t…

Cosmo Says: “I still love you” translates into “I love you a lot less now that we just had this fight.” “Whatever” is no longer a fun word to abbreviate, but rather a sign that your guy is about to tune you out, and “Oh, Great” is not a demonstration of his sarcastic side, but an omen that your relationship will end.

Kari  Says: I guess my boyfriend should have broken up with me years ago, because these non-innocent quips pop up from time to time. Maybe it’s just me, but if I screw up royally and we get into a shouting match, I want nothing more than reassurance that my boyfriend still loves me. And as for “whatever”-ing, it’s usually more of a response to my daily “What should I make for dinner?” text. And the sarcasm? I def would prefer sincerity but I don’t think a few eye rolls are grounds for an impending break up…

Guypinion: Chicks With Lots of Tats

Cosmo(‘s poll guys) says: Back tattoos would screw up Jon’s “rhythm” during doggie style.  Chris, 35, would prefer no ink—however “great boobs and a great butt” might make up for it, and Matt, 27, thinks all tattoos are stupid unless they are an exact replica of your dog’s paw print.

Kari Says: Ink-free is the way to be for me, but I personally think that all my girls with body art are bangin’. They all put a lot of thought and time planning out their tattoos, and none of the guys they’ve hooked up with had ever had a problem with…distractions (sorry, Jon). Where are all the guys who think tattoos are sexy? They had to be out there somewhere, Cosmo; more diversity on the polls please! Read More »

"Here's the thing about us women..."

There are so many things I’ve wanted to say to guys over the years.

Things that would no doubt make my life (and the life of the girl who came along after me) so much easier…and pleasure-filled. Or things that I never got the chance to say because the boy decided to break up with me via email instead of growing some balls and saying it to my face and I didn’t want to look like the crazy bitch who can’t handle a break up and then sends back an angry email talking about how bad he was in bed and how he’s clearly over-compensating in his life for his lack of package.

Sorry. Little bit angry right now.

The point is, if I’ve learned anything from all my he said/she said-ing, it’s that communication is key when it comes to the relationship between men and women. They can’t read our minds and we can’t read theirs.  So I started thinking about all the things I’ve wanted to say to boys over the years – everything they need to know when it comes to us ladies – and I asked my guy to do the same.

Hopefully this will clear things up for all of us and we can all live happily ever after.
Now where’s my Nobel Prize? Read More »

Back in the 9th grade when I was forced to take Sex Ed from a 79 year old man with arthritic fingers (OMG they were all crooked and gross and I stared at my notebook for the duration of the class so I didn’t regurgitate my lunch), I took it for granted. I wasn’t having any sex (thanks to my poodle bangs), so I didn’t really pay attention to the wisdom that was  being imparted on me. Not that the information was very helpful anyway. Sure, I learned how to use a condom by rolling it onto a banana (which, looking back, was a very unrealistic guide in both size and shape) and figured out how my ovaries worked, but what about the real stuff?

After a recent debacle involving a leg cramp/involuntary spasm while on top during sex, I realized that I have a lot to learn. And not things like “279 ways to please your man” like Cosmo provides, but real tips, tricks and strategies for sex.

Basically, sex education for adults.
A required course for all college students. Read More »

This month’s Cosmo was full of summer fun ideas and beat-the-heat ideas that sound like they might actually work (except for those “easy” summer time hairstyles. I think I’ll stick to CC’s how-to-video for that).  But July’s issue had it all: A woman with a PHD who analyzes Speidi PDA! Un-cheesy 4^th of July looks! Virgins! Lauren Conrad’s cleavage! A new advice column by Chelsea Handler!(!!)

And, of course, some semi-misguided advice…
This month’s “Get Him to Kiss and Makeup” bypassed the easiest ways to get your boyfriend to forgive you (lingerie, dinner, hypnotism) and found four surefire ways to earn redemption for anything short of “cheating on him with his brother in their parents’ bed while his dog watched.” For the most part, decent ideas, but Cosmo always finds a way to work in the darndest things…

Give Him Room

Cosmo Says: Even if you want to talk things out, let your man blow off some steam by going out with the guys. “That’s how guys multitask.”

Kari Says: Alright, I can understand this. Sometimes I just need a little time alone to sulk, scream, or commiserate with the girls, but watch the expiration date on that time apart. Allowing too much time to pass before apologizing and discussing can create tension, allow anger to steep, or at the very least will earn you some bad-mouthing to his friends. Give him some time to calm down, but don’t go to bed still angry. Read More »

This month, Cosmo was especially recession conscious (there were, like, 6 whole articles!), featured a slightly disappointing interview with Leighton Meester (she’s just not as bitchy as Blair Waldorf) and their first ever scratch-n-sniff! But, by far the most…interesting article I read was “The Sex Detective is in!”

Now, the woman-in-trench-coat-peeping-through-blinds picture that accompanied the headline immediately got me excited for the juicy confessions of some private investigator. Boy was I wrong. Instead, Dr. Harry Fisch, author of Size Matters, decoded what size, shape, texture and taste (!!) mean when it comes to a guy’s libido. So, read on to find out what it means if…

…He’s Trim Around the Middle.

Cosmo Says: If the guy’s got a spare tire, all that extra fat will break down testosterone much faster than lean muscle, and “testosterone is the gas that drives the car. If it’s low…he’ll be tired, he’s not going to be able to exercise very much, he’s less likely to be in the mood, and his fertility will be lower.”

Kari Says: Interesting. I didn’t know a little extra padding could be so detrimental to a guy’s sex life. I mean, a huge potbelly is definitely going to lower a guy’s chances of getting laid, but I had no clue it would affect his performance/ potency when he eventually does bed someone. Testosterone must be pretty damn important.

…He’s Got Guns.

Cosmo Says: Yes, Kari, testosterone is pretty damn important. If you want to have great sex, find a guy who’s “trim and jacked” because all those muscles mean more testosterone. Also, tall, thin guys with bodies like noodles don’t produce as much, and some guys won’t produce a lot no matter how much they workout, those hopeless wimps.

Kari Says: Ugh, it’s nice to look at all those fake baked guidos glistening while they spot each other at the gym, but it’s another thing entirely to want to sleep with them. Even if they are producing mucho testosterone (and I’m not sure how black market steroids affect that hormone post-cycle), I think I might rather sleep with noodle boy and have mediocre sex than get my bump and grind on while jamming to house music. Just sayin’. Read More »

How is Jessica Simpson worth so much!?

A summary of Cosmo magazine.

Lindsay Lohan is not preggers. Right?

So, who will be at the MTV awards?

SATC sequel secrets revealed!

Sales: a girl’s best frenemy.

This month, Cosmo released its annual “Sexy” issue. In it, they provide various, previously printed tips for seducing your man, or just feeling hot in general (apparently, paying my bills in the nude will make it “less painful.” Uh, I probably would have named something else as number 32 on the list of 50 Things to Do Naked, but that’s just me).

Additionally, Cosmo provides alternate ways to phrase creepy questions about a date’s credit card debt (pg 120), a single girl’s guide to using a camera’s self timer (apparently single girls don’t have friends to take their profile pics for them) and the hottest new accessory fashion house: Oriental Trading. Uh, the economy’s bad but do we have to resort to gummy bracelets?!

On the bright side, Cosmo’s Sexy issue did not disappoint in some arenas (he-llo naughty card game on page 136!): Katie Lee Joel’s recipe for a Mediterranean picnic made me question my aversion to olives, the Cosmo staff confessions had me LOL-ing in a very quiet section of the library, and the “Lose 5lbs in 7 Days” tips may have saved my life in preparation for pre-finals pool parties. And yet, Cosmo just wouldn’t be Cosmo without their well-intended but somewhat whack advice.

This month? The 6 sex lessons us lady folk can learn from the boys… Read More »

Britney Spears ad for Candies (or airbrushing?!)

Everyone hates Octomom.

Shiny hair in a can.

How to hack a vending machine.

Whitney Port hates her life. Good news; I hate it too.

Bibs are in?

1o popular TV catchphrases of the 90’s.

Topshop NY. Must. Get. To. New York.

Even more reason to hate Perez Hilton.

When it comes to relationships, which is better: passion or comfort?