Justin Bieber says he is not the father.

Taylor Lautner’s gone indie.

Is it possible to drink alcohol and still lose weight?

We’re willing to bet this guy’s going to be your next celeb crush.

Wait, isn’t this just Twilight with zombies?

Adele receives the full-body treatment on the cover of Cosmo.

The next Bachelor is announced. Does anyone care?

7 Ways to Love Your Body

It’s OK, Cosmo redeemed themselves quickly when I found an article called ‘Boys on the Rebound.’  Their goal? Decipher how long it would take each of the steaming hotties to get over their exes. How they came up with these calculations? Very scientifically, of course! A picture of Justin Timberlake in a deep and tight V-neck indicated he won’t be hurting for too long. Cosmo said 2 months tops. With those deep set eyes and tight abs rippling under his shirt, what is he waiting for anyway, right? Whatever Cosmo, looking like that it’s going to take him a day to find rebound. Because I’m flying to L.A. tomorrow to climb him like a Redwood tree (hey, he is wearing green).

In a hot state of affairs, I rushed to the ’101 Things About Men’ article to gain some insight on my future trip to build a fort in Justin Timberlake’s penthouse suite (or pants).  This month it’s all about emotions. Cosmo informed us that our tears cause his libido to tank. Apparently, when guys were asked to compare the smell of salt water and actual woman’s tears (how many episodes of One Tree Hill did they make those women watch?) activity in the areas of the brain men associate with sexual excitement decreased when they took a whiff of the crying stuff. Uh, it’s not like I’m a vampire and cry tears of blood, boys. Really, it’s not that scary, boys! But don’t worry ladies; if you’re too busy crying and freaking him out, Cosmo says you can seduce him in a single touch. By stroking his…. forearm.

Wow, definitely not where I thought Cosmo was goin’ with that one…

Moving on. Did you know Cosmo included Kingston Rossdale in their Stud Meter this month? That’s right, the 20-30-somethings at Cosmo declared a three-year-old a stud. Oh – what was that? He’s four? My bad, that just makes having a toddler next to George Clooney on the Stud Meter THAT much more appropriate. I need a loofah. I feel dirty.

Before we get to the really juicy stuff, I wanted highlight an article that lets you know if you’ve been teasin’ your man a bit too much. Apparently, if he’s developed carpal tunnel from curling his toes, he has a tattoo on his butt the shape of your hand from grabbing it too much and he asks to take five so he can carbo load, you are simply tantalizing him way too much. What?  There is such a thing as encouraging too much sexual excitement? I call BS.  Girls, you’re doing great – give him a cramp he won’t ever forget.

Finally, the article of the month is ‘Dirty Talk that Drives Men Wild.’ You can only imagine where this gem is going (hopefully it’s towards carpal tunnel in his toes). Here’s some dirty talk to get started; “Oh Cosmo, you’re so nasty and we love it!”

Cosmo Says: “For dessert, you’re going to eat my cake.”
Brittany Says: Now, that’s just false advertising. At least be a little less deceiving. Nothing can compare to a Dairy Queen ice cream cake, and if you’re trying to find something that does – you shouldn’t start with your hoo-hah.

Cosmo Says: “Your pee-pee fits me perfectly.”
Brittany Says: Because there’s nothing more tantalizing and sexual than referring to a man’s penis as his “pee-pee.” What is this, dirty talk for preschoolers?

Cosmo Says: “That orgasm was so intense, my eyes rolled so far back into my head that I could see my insides.”
Brittany Says: Ew, because that’s sexy. An insta-visual of your “inner self.” And I’m not talking about your amazing personality. And besides, if your eyes did roll all the way back into your head, I’m sure he noticed….and found it incredibly creepy to look at. Why rehash that disturbing moment?

Cosmo Says: “Okay, now bend me over and say ahhh!”
Brittany Says: I’m a firm believer that what happens in the bedroom should stay there. Which is why playing doctor always makes me a wee bit uncomfortable. What if Dr.Thermapolis tells you to do this during your next check up? Ummm, woah – awkward city.

Cosmo Says: “She straddled me, beat her chest and made the Tarzan call.”
Brittany Says: The only reason he likes it that any woman would beat her chest is because it makes her boobies jiggle back and forth. I’m sure there are other ways to recreate that without the weird mating call that will wake the neighbors.

Check out Cosmo’s other ridonk advice here.

1. It is best read in the privacy of your own bedroom (or bathroom).

2. Every celebrity that agrees to be on the cover signs an ‘airbrush the shiz outta my titties’ waver the moment they waltz in to the photoshoot with their bag of grapes and that teacup puppy in their purse.

Now, I don’t know for sure if Haley Williams has a puppy or likes grapes, but I do know that her boobs look like they were sketched by van Gogh himself. Work of art, people.

But let’s stop staring at Haley’s too-perfect cleavage, get comfy under the covers (or on the toilet – that’s OK, too) and get to the meat of Cosmo’s May issue.

First things first, in my favorite giggle section of the magazine, ’101 Things About Men,’ dudes were asked “what prompts you to propose to a woman?”  Wanna know what 62% of them actually said? “She does something amazing, I realize I want to be with her forever.” Ground breaking, right? I’m just really wondering what this ‘amazing’ thing entails; sprouting two va-jay-jays? Tying them up with our undies (we’ll get back to that later)? Hm. I’m gonna go with “just being ourselves” and hope for the best.

Next up: ‘How to Decode His Strut.’  I rubbed my hands together in anticipation…. then learned that “the power walker’ is ambitious and motivated. Thanks, Cosmo! I never could have come up with that intricate observation myself.  Do you think that for June you could help me decode my man’s blinking style? He twitches when we are up too late at night. Cosmo, does this mean he’s passionate and determined for success? Or that he thinks the cellulite on my thighs is sexy?

On the very next page, an article called ‘How Guys Really Feel About Your BO’ flitted past my eyes.  I chose not read on, because I’m a lady and I always smell like rainbows and unicorns and instead ran to the gym to get my stink on. Come to mama, boys!

In the infamous Cosmo beauty section, ‘His Picks,’ Cosmo tells us he wants us to take a stiff-bristled brush and rub it all over his body to soothe nerve endings.  Whoever came up with this idea really needs to stop searching for pleasure in their beauty cabinet. (Seriously, don’t start coming up with some kinky ass ways to use my bronzer!) I don’t know about the rest of you ladies, but I’m not down with sharing my hair brush with his pubic region. Whatever happened to using our good ol’ hands, hmmmm?

After discovering my ‘flirting style’ was sincere yet physical in the latest love and lust quiz, I gallantly landed upon a great sexual tantalizer (my favorite part of the mag!) called ’75 Sex Moves His Ex Didn’t Do.’  Guess that means it’s my chance to impress!

Let’s get started.

Cosmo Says: Blindfolded me or tied me up using her thong. It’s unexpected and would have been so freaking hot.
Brittany Says: This sounds positively horrific. Let’s move past the fact that a string that was up my butt is now dangerously close to your mouth, but can you imagine the strap marks he would get on his face!?!? Shudder.

Cosmo Says: Use her legs to spin her body in a circle while riding me.  That’s my ultimate dream move.
Brittany Says: Key words: dream move. Things like this only happen in American Pie spin offs (the porny kind) and Tucker Max books.  But hey, I try to see the positive in everything so if anyone out there can successfully pull off this move, I want to know you. And learn from you.

Cosmo Says: I’m all for round two, but my ex would always try to rush into it.  She didn’t understand my body needed a little time to recover – I’m not a porn star!
Brittany Says: Ugh, riddle me this: this article is about things ex-girlfriends didn’t do. Clearly this ex-girlfriend was doing all she possibly could, including trying to keep the spark alive with a turn-around rate of a McDonald’s order.

Cosmo Says: I wanted to be woken up in the middle of the night with her already riding me.
Brittany Says:  Surprise midnight attack ride?  I’ll be honest – I’d be afraid the dude wouldn’t wake up mid-mount.  Then, I’d have to lay back down with a hard understanding that I just humped my boyfriend and he kept dreaming about Call of Duty.

Cosmo Says: Whispered, ‘I’m so wet’ when we were out to dinner.
Brittany Says: What? Your ex never did that? Dude, I’m whispering this WHENEVER we get the basket of breadsticks at The Olive Garden.

Check out Cosmo’s other ridonk advice here.

As usual, Cosmo was full of shenans (or shall I say “sheen-ans”? HA!)  this month beyond the glitched photo ops.  The first I took the giggles to was a ‘What Selena Is Really Thinking’ list below a picture of Selena Gomez about to smooch the Beibster.  First of all, I don’t care what that cute little adolescent mind is thinking while she goes in to plant one on those cotton candy Justin Bieber lips.  Keep that cute couple off of the same pages where ‘Kinky Sex‘ titles are lurking, OK!? Justin’s mother could be reading!

And in this month’s ‘Sexy vs. Skanky,’ drinking girly cocktails is sexy and drinking binges are skanky.  Obviously, my drunk-ass disagrees. Drinking binges happen to make the bingee look like Lady Gaga’s next back up dancer.  And that’s totally sexy, right? RIGHT?

Need a guy to toss you a compliment?  Has it simply been too long since he’s looked up and down your saucy set of lean machine legs and popped you a, “Damn girl, you fine?”  Cosmo says to bring your guy to the grocery store where the clerk always compliments your smile ,or the gym where your trainer always singles out your perfect form. Golly gee, why didn’t I think about that before?! Dragging my dude up to the sales clerk cowering in a corner stocking the Saltines just to lemon-squeeze a compliment out of him doesn’t sound desperate at all.

One of the most annoying articles I found this month featured a hot personal trainer giving advice on how to pick dudes up at the gym.  His advice?  Doucher McDoucherton claims that girls that run too fast or lift weights are too intimidating to approach, but girls who flow through the gym casually talking to people and keeping their iTunes at a minimum are perfectly approachable.  Which makes sense, because we all go to the gym to let a soft breeze flow gently against our skin while wisps of our bangs tickle our eyelashes seductively.  Who actually goes there to sweat, breathe like a hyena and look like a hot mess doing it?  Uh, thanks but no thanks, trainer. I don’t wanna end up with a Ronnie-Roid-Rager, anyway.

Another bit of sauced up advice before we get to the good stuff? In ‘Beauty His Picks,’ Cosmo tells us to mix kiwi and bananas together and rub it all over each other’s faces for a natural face mask.  Uh, I wouldn’t do this with a dude if I was stranded on an island with Liam Hemsworth wearing loin cloths….

OK, fine, maybe I would. But still, it’s weird.

But not as weird as Cosmo’s behemoth of a sex advice column this month. Apparently Cosmo thinks no one has any time in their lives these days for sex, so they’re helping us out in a time crunch with this doozie: ’50 Ways to Seduce Him in Seconds.’ One…two…three, let’s go!

Hurry! Before you miss something!

Cosmo Says: Slip an X-rated doodle – like a couple getting it on doggie-style – into his coat pocket. To make your intentions crystal clear, title it ‘What I Can’t Wait to Do Tonight.”
Brittany Says: I can see already that my lover would be completely thrown off. ‘Oh, honey – you can’t wait to walk the dog tonight?’  Since when did Cosmo immediately assume I was an artist?

Cosmo Says: “Drop” your purse by his feet in the middle of a crowded store. When you stand up from retrieving it, run your fingers the whole way up his leg and over his crotch.
Brittany Says: If I wanted to do the Jersey Turnpike (face down, ass up), I’d go to Jersey. Or a frat party. I really don’t need to butt hump my man next to the produce section (and a mom pushing her toddler in a cart) at the neighborhood grocery store. That’s almost as innaprop as those Bieber dreams I’ve been having….

Cosmo Says: You know those treats you used to find at the bottom of a cereal box? One morning, I hid the new finger vibrator I’d just gotten in my guy’s cereal for him to discover.
Brittany Says: I don’t even know what to say about this.  I am, however, having some difficulty downing this bowl of Chex right now.

Cosmo Says: Label areas of the house where you two have never gotten busy with creative titles like The Doggie-Style Den or The Oral Corner.  Tell him the goal for the night is to move from station to station until the whole place is christened.
Brittany Says: Actually this is HILARIOUS.  If I ever tried to do this with my guy, we would never get past the Kegel Kitchen because I would be too busy laughing my ass off in the Nasty Nook.

Oh Cosmo, how I love thee.

Check out Cosmo’s other ridonk advice here.

Looking back, though, much has happened in the past year. It seems I’ve learned a lot while Ke$ha put a dollar sign in her name and started brushing her teeth with a “bottle of Jack,” John Mayer proclaimed that he is on the search for “the Joshua Tree of vaginas,” and the Jersey Shore became a national phenomenon.

So here (in no particular order) is what I know for certain after turning 21. Perhaps you youngsters can take a few things from this:

1. Friendships should make you happy — not pissed off : Friends should be so much more than people you dance on tables with and dish about the weekend to. They should be there for you, and you should be there for them. They also should not steal your alcohol on your 21^st birthday and make out with the fraternity guy, all while puking as your boyfriend helps take care of them.

2. Raincoats are amazing: They are often understated and overwhelmingly overlooked when it comes to fashion. But even if they aren’t fashionable, really, you can’t complain when that slicker keeps your from frizzing. Without a rain jacket I wouldn’t have made it through the summer in London. And I think it actually kept me going to class this past semester. Why didn’t I realize this sooner? It doesn’t matter if you have a basic from Lands End or a super sexy trench from Dillards, just get one!

3. Go to the gym: Surprisingly enough, it is worth your time. Who knew? I sure didn’t, until I started going religiously with my boyfriend back in September. If you actually go to the gym and do more than hang out on the treadmill and elliptical for thirty minutes, you can see results. Plus, it teaches you patience on so many different levels.

4. Do not drink MD 20/20: Even if the frat-mixed mojitos are watered down and tasting a bit like a dirty dance floor, stay away from the MD.

5. Do experience a Pimms with Lemonade: Although you probably have never heard of this drink before, Pimms with Lemonade is a London pub staple. The Pimms is to Wimbledon, as the mint julep is to the Kentucky Derby. This fresh tasting, fruity cocktail will may be enough to convince you to study abroad for a semester. It’s to die for.

6. Puppy Love = True Love: Dogs truly give the most unconditional love. Even though my boyfriend got a dog back in September and it has been a ton of work, I can’t help but keep falling in love with the little darling. You can’t have a bad day whenever a puppy is around. However, at the same time, the realization that having a puppy is a huge responsibility is constant and serves as amazing birth control for many, many years to come.

7. The VS Miraculous Push Up Bra is a miracle: The Victoria’s Secret new Miraculous Push Up bra is the greatest and latest thing to come into the world of retail. With a level 5 design to push up and lift, this push up bra is not playing around – it increases your breast size by two full cups. Unlike a lot of push up bras, this bra actually makes your boob size look believable, all while supplying comfort.

8. Hell No to the Snow: I can never live where it snows on a daily basis during the winter. After what I deemed the Great Snow of ’09 in Virginia (in which 24 inches of snow fell in two days), this has re-arranged my life geographically for good. Those applications to Illinois for graduate school?  Out the window. My dream of always visiting Maine? Only if it’s summer.  Multiple inches of snow at a time? No thanks.

9. Reading is magical: Taking the time to read for pleasure in between reading for class is one of the best ways to relax. This past year, I have rediscovered my love for reading, all while falling in love with some great stories. Need something to restart your love of reading? Read The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon or Train to Trieste by Domnica Radulescu.

10. “That’s So You!” It’s important to have your signature piece, be it clothing, music or opinion. This has made my life simpler and more defined.

11.  Meeting the Parents: Meeting the parents is scary. However, whether they like you or not is out of your hands. You can be the sweetest girl they have ever met, but if they don’t like the idea of their kid being with someone without the qualifications they are looking for (i.e.: money, a professional school degree), it doesn’t matter how amazing you are or how much you have going on for yourself. Just accept it and try not to take it to heart … too much.

12.  Post-Grad is intimidating: Graduate, law, and business school applications are a lot more comprehensive than they lead you to believe on first glance. Those statements of intent and optional essays are really unlike anything you have written in the past, unless you are a professional graduate school applicant. Starting early is the only way to preserve your sanity as senior year rolls around. And taking the GRE or LSAT, well those should have occurred a year ago. Oops!

13.  “Welcome to the real world, she said to me…:” Although the quarter-life crisis often seems inevitable, I have learned that I definitely do not want to go down the John Mayer permanent-existential-life-crisis road. While his never-ending misery will supply good music for more and more years to come (without a doubt), I choose to not dwell. It’s much healthier this way, even if I do enjoy indulging in his misery sometimes.

14.  Stop reading beauty magazines: I’ve stopped buying magazines and I feel much more enlightened.  Instead, I have stopped giving my $3.99 to advice on how to make a man moan and enjoy the in-depth features in the feminist friendly Bust magazine, and the musically progressive Paste.

15.  Give a Little Bit: Helping others is amazing and it makes you feel better than anything else can.

16.  It’s Overrated: Being a senior is overrated. I have had more work and more responsibility than ever before and I feel like with every passing day, more and more obligations come my way. While it seems that a lot of seniors are spending their nights partying and hanging out, I am writing 20-page papers and doing graduate school rain dances to promote a surplus of acceptance letters.

17.  To Thine Own Self, Be True: To be a writer, you need to have extremely thick skin. Regardless of what your stance is, someone is always going to go against it and you have to be true to yourself and the piece you are writing. The same goes for all facets of life; you gotta be you and that’s that.

18.  Big birthday parties don’t prove anything: Big birthday parties aren’t all that they are cracked up to be. After years of over-the-top Disney birthday,  the whole high school teenage hang-out-birthday scene, and the exuberantly drunk and pretentiously planned college birthday, I will take the quiet and intimate birthday dinner over anything else.  It’s better to celebrate with those that actually matter.

19.  Lady Gaga is a goddess: She’s given us greatness, i.e.: “I’m bluffin’ with my muffin,” disco-bras, “Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah! Roma-roman-mamaa! Ga-ga-ooh-la-la!,” and perhaps the greatest line of them, “I’m a free bitch, baby!” Her stage presence is to die for, and her genuine, authentic, down-to-Earth personality (come on, didn’t you see her on Oprah?) is addictive. Plus, I’ve seen a slew of live performances and I have to say, Gaga outperforms the rest with her Monster Ball.

20.  Say No to Parent Drama: If your parents are magnificent – great. If they aren’t, it is time to accept it and move on, instead of constantly wishing for your mother to be someone she is not.

21.  The Little Things Count: It’s important to relish the little things. In college, so much happens at once, it feels like the world can pass you by – especially once you turn 21 and the end of college seems very near. The most important lesson I’ve learned is to take time doing something you enjoy. It doesn’t matter if you want to get crazy drunk on a Friday night or take an extra art class, but do what gives you the most pleasure. Make time for more sex. Make time to cook dinner with your roommates. Just make time! As each year goes by, it is also important to look back to see what you’ve learned (whether it’s good, bad, ugly, or silly).

[This post is a favorite of CollegeCandy fan, Rose...and also of The Huffington Post. So Yay Charlsie...and thanks Rose for picking out one of the best!]

Between Lea Michele’s airbrushed cascading titty cleav, the Sex Quiz, demands to ‘Get Naked!’ and articles dedicated to ‘His Thighs Only,’ I had to check and make sure I didn’t accidentally grab a Playboy.  Um, ‘scuse me Cosmo, but do you need to start packaging condoms with your magazine from now on?  I’m feeling a little sexually violated.

Brace yourselves, College Candies, Cosmo has been hiding some dirty articles up their sleeves…and they are shaking ‘em all out out in this issue.  So, let’s get naked sit back and enjoy.

Let’s start with Lea Michele and her article ‘Lea’s Got a Naughty Side.‘  For reasons I can’t quite explain, she annoys me to the bitter core.  Seriously, my upper lip curls whenever I see her smug grin.  Maybe it’s because I feel like she knows something I don’t about being seductive and she’s never going to tell me. Or maybe I’m just associating her too much with Rachel Berry? I don’t know, but her quote about her favorite body part (butt) totally topped the hate-cake: “My mom say’s I have a good future behind me!” Oh honey, no.

In my favorite feature ‘sexy vs. skanky,’ I learned that giving lap dances in public is skanky and putting your leg on his lap is sexy.  So for those of you who were unaware that humping people to oblivion in a room full of onlookers wasn’t nearly as cute as a little bf/gf touching, well, now you do. Thank you, Cosmo!

After passing ‘The Sex Quiz You Must Take’ simply because the title seemed demanding, I came across ‘Where to Meet Your Future Boyfriend.’ Oh, great – ever since I caught ‘The Craigslist Killer’ on Lifetime, it was getting a little too etch a sketch for me.  They suggest going to a coffee-tasting, book releases, anywhere you’ve bought a Groupon…. Ugh call me old fashioned, but I’d rather drop my bing cherries in the grocery store and wait for one to roll next to the toe of my dream man.

And for fun, here are the mini titles under the article ‘The Erotic Touch That Draws Him Closer’: The Slippery Nipple, The Gliding Light, The Wonder Ball, The Cheek Charger and The Lip Service.  It looks like Cosmo took a bunch of ’70s sitcoms and changed their names to describe perverted sexual favors.

Lastly, since I’m a Minnesotan and really take ‘staying warm’ advice to heart, I thoroughly enjoyed this month’s doozie: ’25 Fun Ways to Go Naked…Without Freezing Your Butt Off. Well, at least I thought I would. With advice like this, I’ll take frozen fingers and spontaneously erecting nipples any day.

Cosmo Says: Play strip Jenga in front of the space heater.
Brittany Says: One word: dangerous. I don’t sh*t around when it comes to Jenga.  And if it’s one thing I like to do amidst victory and satisfaction, it’s celebrate.  That space heater would be tucked in between my naked butt cheeks quicker than you can yell ‘Jenga!’

Cosmo Says: Get hot working out nude to a hard-core Jillian Michaels DVD.
Brittany Says: I wouldn’t want to work out to Jillian’s evil screams fully clothed, so what the thought of doing so as my boobs nearly knock me to the ground while I’m doing a jumping jack couldn’t be less appealing. Warming up doesn’t matter when you’ve got a black eye from your own tit.

Cosmo Says: Take a naked yoga class.  Stand in the front to avoid a full view of your friend’s downward dog.
Brittany Says: This is not OK for many reasons.  I can appreciate what God gave me and my friends but nobody needs to appreciate a full on nose to a glory hole encounter with my BFF. And trust me, I’ve done the math.  There is only so much room offered in the front row.

Cosmo Says: Have a body-paint party. $10 if you’re clothed, gratis if you drop trou and paint your parts.
Brittany Says: Let’s reflect on how this would unravel: “Hey Joe, welcome to the party! Look, I painted a bush on my hoo-hah!” Awesome.

Cosmo Says: Go on a naked run.
Brittany Says: …….

P.S. If you haven’t yet, pick up a copy of this month’s Cosmo and turn to page 36 to see Caitlin, CollegeCandy’s beauty blogger, in all her beuaty-product-loving glory!

Olay sent me their Pore Minimizing Cleanser & Scrub’s 2-in-1 Foaming Formula, the Daily Facials Deep Cleansing Dual-Textured Cloths, and the Shine Control Lathering Cleanser.  All of the products are gentle enough to use every day, although you can use their Lathering Cleanser as more of a mask every few days.  I even ran out of the cleansing cloths because I used them so often!

I really enjoyed this stuff (almost as I enjoyed seeing my face in my favorite magazine!), so watch this vid to find out why!

Got something you want me to cover? Post it in the comments below. And don’t forget to follow us on YouTube and check out my other videos right here! And For more beauty related tips, check out my website!

Uh...what's with Ashley's lazy eye??

Sometimes Cosmo really just makes me angry. Not that I’m going to stop reading it, mind you, but mad enough to sigh as I flip through the same ish month after month. Every article inside Cosmo is as predictable as the results of a spelling bee between Mark Zuckerburg and Paris Hilton.  I know a Cosmo mag better than I know the recipe for Velveeta.  And well, that’s embarrassing for me to admit.

First, Cosmo always states the obvious. This month’s Duuuuuh story? The ‘Stud Meter.’  Oh really? David Beckham in his tighty whities is hotter than Adam Sandler dressed in drag?  That’s totally insane, Cosmo! How could 8-pack abs beat guy-liner?

Next, the lady mag tells girls to use sex to keep their man from cheating, like in this issue’s ‘The Moment He’s Most Likely to Cheat.‘ Wait, so you mean to tell me the only way I’m going to keep my man from dipping it elsewhere is to always look hot, wake him up at 5 a.m. to do the hippity dippity, flirt with other guys, and constantly feed him ego-boosting compliments?  Anything else, Cosmo?  While I understand I should keep my man happy and restrain from getting a butch haircut, should I learn to do backflips from my spot in the kitchen while I’m making him a sandwich and give him an HJ after my third back hand spring?

Of course, there’s always Cosmo’s bat sh*t crazy theories, and ‘Pillow Talk,’ an article sharing your guy’s personality traits based on how he sleeps at night, easily fills that requirement.  First of all, these theories are somewhat creepy in that girl-just-got-off-the-crazy-train sorta way.  And second of all, I’m willing to believe the reason he’s “covering his head with the pillow” is because I’m running my mouth, wondering, “Does this mean you’re feeling guarded and need more space!? Do you even love me anymore?!”

Cosmo also always disposes a weird man-trait I really don’t care to know about (i.e. ‘The New Male Grooming Obsession’ – thanks for the poll about how men manscape their pee pee hair) and never ceases to freak me out with their dramatic and scary stories about my goodie goodie gum drops (i.e. ‘Are You Running Out of Time to Have a Baby?‘)  Seriously?  I’m running out of time to get to the movie store and scoop up a Toy Story 3 before they sell out.  Stop scaring me.

But best of all, Cosmo loves to talk about sex, love, lust, and all sorts of naughty.  And they really pulled out all the stops (and by “stops” I mean “freaky leaky guys”) in this month’s ’60 Hand Free Ways to Wow Him.’ Hmmm, I guess sign language isn’t as sexay as I thought it was….

Cosmo Says: My wife was straddling my face and stretched one leg out to work my johnson with her toes. (Side Note: Where does Cosmo GET these ‘guest man opinions’???  I’m imagining someone breathing intensely over their computer, watching porn, and typing vigorously…)
Brittany Says: In a world where our male counterpart isn’t nearly as flexible and bendable as say, well, us…does this mean we have to do some crazy gymnastic girl maneuvers in bed to make up for that?  Making friction (with my uncoordinated toe) in a comprimsing postion just sounds uncomfortable.  Besides, the word ‘man’ must be in maneuver for a reason.  Why don’t you try it, Doug age 31?

Cosmo Says: Lick on his eyelids and then blow on your saliva.
Brittany Says: I need to understand the appeal in this.  I can already see how this would go down.  “Hey honey, close your eyes.” And while he’s closing his eyes imagining you whipping out a sex toy or some sexy lingerie, you take a big, wet lick.  Ahh girlfrennn, what a buzzkill.

Cosmo Says: On a cold night, I went to my girlfriend’s place.  She put my penis under her armpit.  It got me hot, fast.
Brittany Says: I think it’s time for someone to get a Snuggie.

Cosmo Says: Biting my shoulder will make me come.
Brittany Says: Thanks, for that.  Is it gross that I almost made a joke about my dog?  Whatever, I’ll go for it.  I wish it was that easy to get Rover back in the house.

That’s why I nearly died when I saw a billion gorgeous holiday up-dos in the magazines this month! I decided to walk you through two looks I saw in Cosmo’s December 2010 issue that every girl must try this season. One is a messy up-do and the other is a messy side ponytail.

Do you see a pattern?

Yup, messy is in. But it’s cute messy. Deliberate. Intentional. Not, “I just woke up and threw on this LRD.” How do you get it just right? Let me help.

Still, you can only imagine I was surprised she was gracing the cover of Cosmo in that leather sheath this month.  I’m dying to crack open the mag and see ‘The Side of Julia I Haven’t Seen Before.‘  I’m quivering with excitement to see what she’s been up to all these mysterious years behind the spotlight…(one of the most intriguing things: a building fear of pigeons).

As quickly as I was surprised about Julia Styles’ birth back into Hollywood-dom, I forgot about it.  So, let’s move on.

Under Cosmo News, the magazine debuted the Hollywood Newlyweds who were most in love. Unfortunately for newlywed, Hilary Duff – her and hubby Mike Comrie have “space issues.”  Trouble in paradise, people.

In the middle of the mag, Cosmo created their own line of greeting cards starring celebs. As you can imagine, this wasn’t at all hilarious.  Especially when they put Justin Bieber’s face on an elf costume with slogan ‘Look Who We Found in Santa’s Workshop?’  Ew, Cosmo.

Oh, and before I forget to mention it, there was an article called ‘Make Him Burn With Pleasure.’ No, Cosmo wasn’t encouraging you give him an STD. They want you to microwave his socks, put them on, and squeeze his feet. Why didn’t I think of something as hawt as this before!?!

In my fave feature, ’101 Things About Men,’ Cosmo dispensed some pretty interesting factoids and advice. They even tried to help us ‘beat the slow fade’ in a relationship by ‘being extra intriguing on Facebook.’ Yes, you read that right; Cosmo wants us to “use Facebook to flaunt all the cool sh*t you’ve been up to.”  No Cosmo, just no.  Sometimes I’m bummed I still read this.

But after giving myself a pep talk (“Just one more page!”), I came across the best advice this month’s issue had to offer: ‘Decode His Driving Style.’ Because the way he grasps onto a steering wheel obviously gives it all away.

Cosmo Says: He reclines and has one hand on top of the wheel at 12. This guy is dominant.  By leaning his seat back, he’s taking up as much space as possible to claim his territory. And his steering style is his way of showing he’s so in control, he can do it one-handed.
Brittany Says: Or maybe he is a typical dude, who likes to listen to Tupac, roll the windows down and relax. Wait, he’s in control because he can perfect the wheel-stirring one handed!? Hold the press, I gots to get me a one-handed-driving man!

Cosmo Says: He’s sitting up straight, with his hands at 10 and 2. He’s practical. He keeps his hands firmly in this position because it’s convenient to the horn, turn signal, and lights – in case he should need, well anything.
Brittany Says: The last time I checked, I found the horn pretty conveniently placed on the steering wheel.  I don’t care if I was driving upside down, with my toes, while I read Cosmo – the horn, turn signal, and access to lights were pretty convenient.  This means nothing to me.

Cosmo Says: He’s slouched in his seat with one hand at the wheel…at six. This guy is rebellious. He has a bit of a spontaneous streak, and he always has one hand free to be ready to deal with the radio, grab a drink, or whatever-in-the-moment craving he has.
Brittany Says: Whew, boys – slow your roll if you’re lazily gripping the steering wheel at six.  I just don’t think I could handle a man with this amount of rebellion.

Cosmo Says: He’s crouched up to the wheel and gripping it at 11 and 1. This type is insecure. He doesn’t feel like he’s in control, so he clings to the wheel with his hands.
Brittany Says: Or he’s just a terribly cautious driver and realizes what precious cargo he’s got in the passenger seat.

Check out what other madness the mags are spilling each month.