[Yes, I realize this month's Cosmo breakdown is a little bit late. Sorry 'bout that. But better late than never, right? Especially with the poop Cosmo was throwing at the wall this month.]

This month, Cosmo’s Guy Report includes some of the usual brilliant suggestions from staffers, as well as expert opinion (read: random dudes interns found on the street) on everything from tatted up ladies to the little signals he’s allegedly sending us.

3 Things He Says That Seem Innocent But Aren’t…

Cosmo Says: “I still love you” translates into “I love you a lot less now that we just had this fight.” “Whatever” is no longer a fun word to abbreviate, but rather a sign that your guy is about to tune you out, and “Oh, Great” is not a demonstration of his sarcastic side, but an omen that your relationship will end.

Kari  Says: I guess my boyfriend should have broken up with me years ago, because these non-innocent quips pop up from time to time. Maybe it’s just me, but if I screw up royally and we get into a shouting match, I want nothing more than reassurance that my boyfriend still loves me. And as for “whatever”-ing, it’s usually more of a response to my daily “What should I make for dinner?” text. And the sarcasm? I def would prefer sincerity but I don’t think a few eye rolls are grounds for an impending break up…

Guypinion: Chicks With Lots of Tats

Cosmo(‘s poll guys) says: Back tattoos would screw up Jon’s “rhythm” during doggie style.  Chris, 35, would prefer no ink—however “great boobs and a great butt” might make up for it, and Matt, 27, thinks all tattoos are stupid unless they are an exact replica of your dog’s paw print.

Kari Says: Ink-free is the way to be for me, but I personally think that all my girls with body art are bangin’. They all put a lot of thought and time planning out their tattoos, and none of the guys they’ve hooked up with had ever had a problem with…distractions (sorry, Jon). Where are all the guys who think tattoos are sexy? They had to be out there somewhere, Cosmo; more diversity on the polls please! Read More »

This month, Cosmo was especially recession conscious (there were, like, 6 whole articles!), featured a slightly disappointing interview with Leighton Meester (she’s just not as bitchy as Blair Waldorf) and their first ever scratch-n-sniff! But, by far the most…interesting article I read was “The Sex Detective is in!”

Now, the woman-in-trench-coat-peeping-through-blinds picture that accompanied the headline immediately got me excited for the juicy confessions of some private investigator. Boy was I wrong. Instead, Dr. Harry Fisch, author of Size Matters, decoded what size, shape, texture and taste (!!) mean when it comes to a guy’s libido. So, read on to find out what it means if…

…He’s Trim Around the Middle.

Cosmo Says: If the guy’s got a spare tire, all that extra fat will break down testosterone much faster than lean muscle, and “testosterone is the gas that drives the car. If it’s low…he’ll be tired, he’s not going to be able to exercise very much, he’s less likely to be in the mood, and his fertility will be lower.”

Kari Says: Interesting. I didn’t know a little extra padding could be so detrimental to a guy’s sex life. I mean, a huge potbelly is definitely going to lower a guy’s chances of getting laid, but I had no clue it would affect his performance/ potency when he eventually does bed someone. Testosterone must be pretty damn important.

…He’s Got Guns.

Cosmo Says: Yes, Kari, testosterone is pretty damn important. If you want to have great sex, find a guy who’s “trim and jacked” because all those muscles mean more testosterone. Also, tall, thin guys with bodies like noodles don’t produce as much, and some guys won’t produce a lot no matter how much they workout, those hopeless wimps.

Kari Says: Ugh, it’s nice to look at all those fake baked guidos glistening while they spot each other at the gym, but it’s another thing entirely to want to sleep with them. Even if they are producing mucho testosterone (and I’m not sure how black market steroids affect that hormone post-cycle), I think I might rather sleep with noodle boy and have mediocre sex than get my bump and grind on while jamming to house music. Just sayin’. Read More »

This month, Cosmo released its annual “Sexy” issue. In it, they provide various, previously printed tips for seducing your man, or just feeling hot in general (apparently, paying my bills in the nude will make it “less painful.” Uh, I probably would have named something else as number 32 on the list of 50 Things to Do Naked, but that’s just me).

Additionally, Cosmo provides alternate ways to phrase creepy questions about a date’s credit card debt (pg 120), a single girl’s guide to using a camera’s self timer (apparently single girls don’t have friends to take their profile pics for them) and the hottest new accessory fashion house: Oriental Trading. Uh, the economy’s bad but do we have to resort to gummy bracelets?!

On the bright side, Cosmo’s Sexy issue did not disappoint in some arenas (he-llo naughty card game on page 136!): Katie Lee Joel’s recipe for a Mediterranean picnic made me question my aversion to olives, the Cosmo staff confessions had me LOL-ing in a very quiet section of the library, and the “Lose 5lbs in 7 Days” tips may have saved my life in preparation for pre-finals pool parties. And yet, Cosmo just wouldn’t be Cosmo without their well-intended but somewhat whack advice.

This month? The 6 sex lessons us lady folk can learn from the boys… Read More »

I am a Cosmo devotee. Have been since I started stealing my mom’s when I was twelve. I am amazed monthly by the hair, the witty captions, and their never ending innovation of synonyms for the word penis. Many of my friends, acquaintances, relatives and sisters swear by Cosmo as their Bible (and for the most part I do too). But there are some times (well…many times) when Cosmo’s take on real world situations is – in a word – whack.

I will still accept their declarations of lip gloss superiority like they were handed down from the divine, but when it comes to their interpretation of all things men (or at least all things greatly generalized and stereotyped), I think I’ll be reading with a grain of salt handy.

And I’ll pass that grain onto you. With every passing month and, in turn, every new “Secret Sex Fantasy Guys Won’t Tell You!” revealed, I will be here to break it all down for you. I will find the truth buried deep between the unsafe sex positions and “things he secretly loves you for,” so you don’t end up with a stiff neck, an angry boyfriend or some seriously embarrassing sexcapades.]

This month, Cosmo published a wonderful/accidentally hilarious article titled “Fascinating Facts About Men.” Naturally intrigued by the offer of any additional knowledge to help me decipher what the hell goes through my boyfriend’s mind, I delved into the article. The facts, if not all that surprising, did explain some of the reasons WHY men do such inexplicable things occasionally. Far more interesting, however, were Cosmo’s interpretations and addendums to the facts. I took it upon myself to conduct my own “scientific” (read: slightly drunk with several girlfriends) analysis.

1. “Men with elevated levels of testosterone may have trouble commiting, because it suppresses vasopressin and oxytocin, chemicals that encourage bonding.”

Cosmo says: “Signs a dude has a high dosage of it: strong brow, defined cheekbones, thin lips, pronounced jawline, broad shoulders, muscular body, large penis, ring finger longer than his index finger.”

Kari says: Cosmo just described Robert Pattinson, as far as I’m concerned (not that I can confirm the part about his schlong). So, yeah, I’d have trouble committing too if hundreds, quite possibly thousands, of women would literally do anything to screw me. I also enjoyed the sculpted physique and stunning profile of the little cartoon man that Cosmo supplied, perhaps a little too much. Thus reinforcing my theory about it not being the testosterone itself that makes a playa, but the hot face and rockin’ bod it creates. Read More »

[I am a Cosmo devotee. Have been since I started stealing my mom’s when I was twelve. I am amazed monthly by the hair, the witty captions, and their never ending innovation of synonyms for the word penis. Many of my friends, acquaintances, relatives and sisters swear by Cosmo as their Bible (and for the most part I do too). But there are some times (well…many times) when Cosmo’s take on real world situations is - in a word - whack.

I will still accept their declarations of lip gloss superiority like they were handed down from the divine, but when it comes to their interpretation of all things men (or at least all things greatly generalized and stereotyped), I think I’ll be reading with a grain of salt handy.

And I’ll pass that grain onto you. With every passing month and, in turn, every new “Secret Sex Fantasy Guys Won’t Tell You!” revealed, I will be here to break it all down for you. I will find the truth buried deep between the unsafe sex positions and “things he secretly loves you for,” so you don’t end up with a stiff neck, an angry boyfriend or some seriously embarrassing sexcapades.]

This month: 75 Crazy-Hot Sex Moves. Inevitably, variations of the same “ingenious” sex moves, tips tricks, “advice from real guys” (oddly enough, 19-24 year old males speak in the exact manner of Cosmo’s writers) are published every other month. November’s issue does not disappoint, but there were a few gems that even a die-hard Cosmo Girl just ain’t down for.

#2. “Intensify his orgasm by placing two fingers an inch behind his balls and feeling for a dent…For the last 30 seconds before he comes, massage the spot in a circular motion.”

Ok, I’m all for orgasm intensification, but not at the stake of my man’s butthole. Even Cosmo shows a little uncertainty about anal relations (“It’s totally cool…but make sure it’s ok with him first.”—they don’t include a disclaimer about permish before any of their other moves…), so I’m not so ready to venture that close while my target is rapidly thrusting and moving every which way. Additionally, there are tell tale signs that a guy is about to orgasm, but I don’t know if I’m skilled enough to identify them half a minute in advance. Cosmo has this very odd way of giving hyperprecise timing instructions for many of their moves… Read More »

As young, sexy singles (or not-so-singles), who doesn’t love a rousing bedroom session that gets the sweat running and the endorphins pumping at full speed? As I’m sure we all know, sex can easily fall into the routine category; kiss a little bit, feel eachother up, oral sex (if you’re lucky) and then it’s missionary, girl-on-top or the always faithful, doggy. And hey, those sessions can be fantastic, mind-blowing and all those other things, but aren’t there times when you want to break out of a rut and try something new and exciting?

Like, say that new position you read about in Cosmo that requires you to stand on your head while he balances on one foot?

I’m here to tell you, these positions, while alluring in theory are not only an excessive amount of work (that isn’t always worth that coveted “O”), they can even be hazardous to your health…anyone ever heard of a sex injury (or as my friends and I call it, a sexjury)? Read More »

During my junior year of college, while studying abroad in Sydney, Australia, I landed an internship at Cosmopolitan magazine.

After six months of getting editors coffee, reorganizing the beauty closet, and transcribing celebrity interviews, I was convinced that I was destined to not only work for one of the top women’s magazines but that, the minute I once again stepped foot in the U.S., it would be an absolute piece of cake to land an internship at Cosmo or any major magazine.

It wasn’t. As soon as I got back in the spring, I sent my resume and cover letter to almost every editor at every major women’s fashion and lifestyle glossy. Some never even responded. Others emailed me back saying that my credentials were great but they had already selected their summer interns. Still, other editors did call and interview me and I was offered a few positions, but there were only for openings that were three days a week unpaid. In New York.

I don’t think so. Read More »

Courtesy of Cosmo’s leading lady Kate White and some unknown marketing company that have polled 1,001 women on the meaning of their lives, we now have classifications about what type of 20-something we are!

Because thank God, I was wondering where I fit in to the world.

Are you a “Go for it Girl” that knows what she wants and won’t settle for less? Are you a “Restless Explorer”, someone who is just “indecisive” aka reformed slacker?

Are you a “Pleasure Seeker” that thinks girls just want to have fun? Or are you a “Housewife Hopeful” that just wants to pop out well-mannered babies?

Oh, the choices! The decisions! I just can’t decide! Read More »

We’re all guilty of picking up a Cosmo and perusing its pages, even if it’s just while standing in line at the grocery store (“I need to know the 834,394th hottest and steamiest sex tip!”).

But when you rrrrreally, rrrrreally read through the “journalism,” you realize just how fantastically talented these editors are at sending mixed messages left and right to their female readership.

By the last page, it’s like, actually insulting.

They obviously want to appear as though they represent for the ladies, but in reality, are they taking us ladies for fools?

Jezebel.com talks about the recent issue of Cosmo with J. Alba on the cover – and in this issue, they go from this:

Man Manual: What Will Really Impress Him, page 80

“Sure you’re sexy, smart, and fun..but so are a lot of other chicks. To really stand out from the pack, it helps to have that something extra — qualities that make a guy go ‘This girl is freakin’ awesome!’ You’ll be that much hotter to him if…”

To this: Read More »