Dianna Agron is on Septembers cover of Cosmo, looking fierce and…hungry. Why does Cosmo feel the burning urge to make woman’s boobs extremely bodacious and their waists unbelievably teeny? Honestly, Agron looks likes she was wrung out like a washcloth near the waistline one too many times. Then, Agron’s unnatural waistline led me to a few very enticing headlines.

My sex life has taken a nose dive into success before even opening the magazine! Because this month, I’m going to go naked and feel pleasure (awaiting the article fully clothed and by myself), learn about what my va-jay-jay is telling me (aside from calling it something sexier than a va-jay-jay), and about my bad-boy index. Can’t wait to see what a naughty fox I am. And take a shower.

In this month’s blatantly obvious sexy vs. skanky, Cosmo informed us that camel-colored heels are indeed more classy than camel toes. This as you can imagine, completely blew me away. Camel toes are artistic and different. Camel-colored heels are all the same (bor-ing). Read More »

Mila Kunis reminds me why I look at cupcakes like they are human, cellulite saddle bags-taunting me to eat them, like my stomach needs recognition that I’m not from a third world country.  She is just so hot.  After I made an appointment to dye my hair darker, attempted to figure out how she did her eyeshadow, and dusted some chip crumbs off my chest – I opened my Cosmo.

Priorities, people.

Let’s move forth into the ridiculousness and play a little game I like to call: “Things I bet you didn’t know before Cosmo published another month of doozies.”  I promise, you’ll learn more than you will at your 8 A.M. English Writing class. First, I bet you didn’t know that when a guy dances and gives a lap dance from behind; that means he’s passionate, but may consider his desires before yours.  Wait you’re confusing me Cosmo, but he’s behind me – doesn’t that speak figuratively into our relationship??

Read More »

Hellooooooo cleavage!

When I saw October’s cover of Cosmo, the headline ‘Own His Orgasm! What Men Really Want Right Before Blast Off,’ I almost considered going to church next Sunday. Whoa, Cosmo. Pump the breaks a bit, shall we? I haven’t even busted this baby open yet and I’m already getting weird stares from the check-out lady in Target.  Of course it didn’t help that the cover also boasted answers to 100 crazy, dirty sex questions for all of our uneducated, perverted peepsies out there….in true Tweet fashion (20 words or less).

Also in this issue, Cosmo posed the question we are all dying to know: ‘Do You Know the Real You?’ In the article it stated, “Research shows that key aspects of your personality may already be in place by the time you are in first grade.” Great, that explains everything (i.e. compulsively eating Pop Tarts, not being able to properly communicate in intense social situations, and still struggling with long division). One of the better articles showcased was how to ‘Win Anyone Over in 3 Minutes.’ Anyone except the woman giving you the stink eye when you’re buying this over sexualized magazine, that is.

Anyway, it’s time to get to the good stuff. And by the good stuff, I mean an article that prevents the opportunity to keep a straight face while scanning its many paragraphs.  Article, meet readers. Readers, meet ‘Easy Ways to Feel More Aroused.’ This list included finding your ‘horny song,’ taking ‘half showers’ and flirting with random guys to feel more playful and saucy. The best part of the article though? A small feature called, ‘Definite Mojo Killers.’ Cosmo claimed they are major mistakes that will make your libido tank.  I claim they are high-larious. Read More »

Oh, Cosmopolitan. I like to think of the magazine as my first love. In middle school, me and my girlfriends immediately dubbed it ‘The Bible’ and carried it around during morning break to read about the raunchy and new sex advice. “Oh so that’s what a Big-O is!?” It was like a dictionary for all of the school-bus language. It was the first and only magazine we all read, and we fell in love. Now that I am a seasoned pro, Cosmo is like the old boyfriend.  And I just keep going back.

True to form, this month I loyally snatched my July edition of Cosmo. I couldn’t help wondering what on earth my girl Shakira was wearing on the cover. Was that a lace leotard and jeans? And after seeing the headline: “Vaginas Under Attack” I couldn’t wait to snap open the magazine, whip out my notepad and get reading. Just like middle school!

Once inside, I was bombarded with lots of information about dudes.  An article about ‘101 things About Men‘ mentioned when men wear girlie things (i.e. pinkie ring or pink shirt) it means he’s even manlier because he can wear whatever he wants. I say if the brisk thought crosses his mind about wearing a feminine item of clothing, his manliness is politely bypassed. Sorry Cosmo.  Another article included man advice about turn-ons and turn-offs and what he likes to see women wear. Including the romper, which we all know is about as true as Lilo’s claims of sobriety. I’m not going to begin to think men like frontal-wedgie town and difficult access. Read More »

Every month when I pick up my Cosmo, my roommate always picks it up off the coffee table and starts to read it. It’s entertaining, I know. But really, the only reason I read it is for research for this column. Don’t people (a.k.a my roommate) realize this magazine is filled with nonsense?! It doesn’t even have juicy celeb gossip to read to make me feel like I’m part of the inner celebrity circle. Or even good fashion and style tips to get my creativity flowing. Oh well, let’s get to the good stuff (er, horrendous articles that we love to pick at).

First page I have bookmarked: the hot sheet. Scroll your eyes down to number 6: Vagazzling. Creative word, I must say. But jewels on your vagina? Umm can you say uncomfortable? Whatever kind of guy thinks this is hot is a guy I never want to meet, let alone expose my un-gazzled self to. Moving on.

In “The Love Mistake That Pushes Him Away” we are instructed on the correct way to ask our guy to stop seeing that girl we don’t trust around him. The article begins by suggesting we can’t tell him who he can or cannot hangout with. And by the end of the article we have learned how to tell him who he can and cannot hang out… only in a polite manner. Pretty sure no matter how polite or nasty you are when saying this, the message remains the same.

Then we’re given a fun way to pick up a guy. Cosmo suggests we take our bracelet off, stick it in our purse, and go up to the hottie at the bar and ask him to help find the “missing bracelet.” That is just cheesier than a bowl of Easy Mac. Don’t play dumb to meet a guy; just go up to him at the bar and start a convo. That is way more fearless than “losing” a bracelet in your purse. Read More »

This month’s issue of Cosmo may just take the award for most insightful published information yet. (Where’s that sarcastic font when we need it most?)

First we learn what kind of behavior is too freaky to fix on a man… such as someone who Tweets every time you switch positions in bed. If you didn’t know that before reading Cosmo, then your behavior is probably too freaky to fix, too.

Then we move on to several quizzes, in which we learn that we will be rich one day if we answer yes to having played competitive sports or were on the debate team in high school. Somehow I have a feeling Bill Gates was involved in neither and look at him now.

This month’s Cosmo also teaches readers how to flirt with anyone and everyone, including the dry cleaner. Because that tiny little man who cleans the stains off of my bedding is exactly who I want to take home to momma….

Oh, and real quickly: when did horoscopes start mentioning text messages and what flavor lube I’ll be interested in this month? Does that change by the month? What happened to good old advice on what to do when my friend gets mad at me on the 8^th? And why does Carrie Underwood’s hair look so greasy that it appears she hasn’t washed it in months? Gross.

But even with all of that priceless information and advice, the March issue gets even better: What his Texts Really Mean. I know, it sounds groundbreaking, right? Like the kind of information that could earn those Cosmo girls a Nobel Prize. I mean, we’ve all wondered what the hell he was trying to say and now Cosmo is going to break it all down for us and help us respond!

Well, that was the intention anyway…. Read More »

Cosmo‘s February issue had a lot of usefulless information, as per usual. Get excited! This month we learn how guys truly feel about nail decals (we know you’ve all been dying to know the answer to this.) Turns out 55% think they’re too over-the-top, while 45% say they’re fun and flirty. But I’m pretty sure 100% don’t really know what nail decals are, or even notice what their ladies are rocking on their fingers.

We also learn that what you’re envious of reveals what you really want in life. But didn’t we already learn this when Laguna Beach first came out and we all felt green with envy? I don’t think it took our “where-we-sit-at-lunch-defines-our-popularity-status” high school minds and an article from Cosmo to realize that we were envious because we wanted what they had. We wanted their million dollar mansions, designer name clothing, thriving social lives, and Ste-VEN in our beds. And we especially all wanted to be asked to our proms with a fish filled pool and a lit up sign. So thanks anyway, Cosmo.

But perhaps the most informative article this month is His Bedtime Body Language, in which we learn how his sleeping position tells us all we need to know about his personality.

Cosmo Says: Facedown: This guy likes to be in control.
Arielle Says: Or maybe he just likes to shove his face under the pillow so the afternoon sun doesn’t wake him from his slumber.

Cosmo Says: On His Back: His open posture shows that he’s secure and optimistic.
Arielle Says: Yeah… optimistic for a blow job! Or maybe he was watching an episode of Entourage and fell asleep halfway through. Or was reading his biology assignment and fell asleep with the book on his chest. Well, actually probably not the latter, if your man is anything like mine… Either way, the analysis of this sleeping position should really just be that he will need a nose strip; he’s going to be snoring all night. Read More »

Even though this month’s Cosmo is all about the new year, it just included more of the same old: a feature on Girl-on-Top, a few pointers on how to get hot guys naked, and their annual Bedside Astrologer (!!). It also featured a two page lingerie spread with advice from the Victoria’s Secret Angels…then continued to reference VS like 6 more times throughout the issue. Hmm, something’s going on….

By far the most -  ahem – interesting article, though, was The Guy Report (surprise, surprise). Read on for the gems of advice that Cosmo doles out this month.

Cosmo Says: If your guy won’t let you put pics up of the two of you kissing on FB, he’s just concerned with privacy.
Kari Says: OR he doesn’t want anyone knowing you two are dating…sketchy. I’m not into PDA, especially not when it involves a 5 minute video of you two staring into each others’ eyes meaningfully, or passionately making out in hi-def (Note: no one else is, either). But we’re all guilty of letting a little mush slip into our tagged photos every once in a blue moon. If he’s serious about you, he won’t mind letting his friends (or “Friends”) know.

Cosmo Says: Stop asking your date questions about himself! Make sure the convo revolves around you, he’ll be smitten.
Kari Says: Really? Because I’ve been on dates like that – they’re not fun! I understand that Cosmo is trying to promote self-confidence, but being interesting is just as important as being interested. The best conversation should casually flow back and forth about both of us, right? I want to get to know a guy as best as I can when we’re on a date…kinda hard to do if I won’t shut up about myself the entire time. Besides, a great date will ask all the right questions about me—all on his own! Read More »

[Yes, I realize this month's Cosmo breakdown is a little bit late. Sorry 'bout that. But better late than never, right? Especially with the poop Cosmo was throwing at the wall this month.]

This month, Cosmo’s Guy Report includes some of the usual brilliant suggestions from staffers, as well as expert opinion (read: random dudes interns found on the street) on everything from tatted up ladies to the little signals he’s allegedly sending us.

3 Things He Says That Seem Innocent But Aren’t…

Cosmo Says: “I still love you” translates into “I love you a lot less now that we just had this fight.” “Whatever” is no longer a fun word to abbreviate, but rather a sign that your guy is about to tune you out, and “Oh, Great” is not a demonstration of his sarcastic side, but an omen that your relationship will end.

Kari  Says: I guess my boyfriend should have broken up with me years ago, because these non-innocent quips pop up from time to time. Maybe it’s just me, but if I screw up royally and we get into a shouting match, I want nothing more than reassurance that my boyfriend still loves me. And as for “whatever”-ing, it’s usually more of a response to my daily “What should I make for dinner?” text. And the sarcasm? I def would prefer sincerity but I don’t think a few eye rolls are grounds for an impending break up…

Guypinion: Chicks With Lots of Tats

Cosmo(‘s poll guys) says: Back tattoos would screw up Jon’s “rhythm” during doggie style.  Chris, 35, would prefer no ink—however “great boobs and a great butt” might make up for it, and Matt, 27, thinks all tattoos are stupid unless they are an exact replica of your dog’s paw print.

Kari Says: Ink-free is the way to be for me, but I personally think that all my girls with body art are bangin’. They all put a lot of thought and time planning out their tattoos, and none of the guys they’ve hooked up with had ever had a problem with…distractions (sorry, Jon). Where are all the guys who think tattoos are sexy? They had to be out there somewhere, Cosmo; more diversity on the polls please! Read More »

This month, Cosmo was especially recession conscious (there were, like, 6 whole articles!), featured a slightly disappointing interview with Leighton Meester (she’s just not as bitchy as Blair Waldorf) and their first ever scratch-n-sniff! But, by far the most…interesting article I read was “The Sex Detective is in!”

Now, the woman-in-trench-coat-peeping-through-blinds picture that accompanied the headline immediately got me excited for the juicy confessions of some private investigator. Boy was I wrong. Instead, Dr. Harry Fisch, author of Size Matters, decoded what size, shape, texture and taste (!!) mean when it comes to a guy’s libido. So, read on to find out what it means if…

…He’s Trim Around the Middle.

Cosmo Says: If the guy’s got a spare tire, all that extra fat will break down testosterone much faster than lean muscle, and “testosterone is the gas that drives the car. If it’s low…he’ll be tired, he’s not going to be able to exercise very much, he’s less likely to be in the mood, and his fertility will be lower.”

Kari Says: Interesting. I didn’t know a little extra padding could be so detrimental to a guy’s sex life. I mean, a huge potbelly is definitely going to lower a guy’s chances of getting laid, but I had no clue it would affect his performance/ potency when he eventually does bed someone. Testosterone must be pretty damn important.

…He’s Got Guns.

Cosmo Says: Yes, Kari, testosterone is pretty damn important. If you want to have great sex, find a guy who’s “trim and jacked” because all those muscles mean more testosterone. Also, tall, thin guys with bodies like noodles don’t produce as much, and some guys won’t produce a lot no matter how much they workout, those hopeless wimps.

Kari Says: Ugh, it’s nice to look at all those fake baked guidos glistening while they spot each other at the gym, but it’s another thing entirely to want to sleep with them. Even if they are producing mucho testosterone (and I’m not sure how black market steroids affect that hormone post-cycle), I think I might rather sleep with noodle boy and have mediocre sex than get my bump and grind on while jamming to house music. Just sayin’. Read More »