My sex life has taken a nose dive into success before even opening the magazine! Because this month, I’m going to go naked and feel pleasure (awaiting the article fully clothed and by myself), learn about what my va-jay-jay is telling me (aside from calling it something sexier than a va-jay-jay), and about my bad-boy index. Can’t wait to see what a naughty fox I am. And take a shower.

In this month’s blatantly obvious sexy vs. skanky, Cosmo informed us that camel-colored heels are indeed more classy than camel toes. This as you can imagine, completely blew me away. Camel toes are artistic and different. Camel-colored heels are all the same (bor-ing).

In the 101 Things about Men tasty bit, Cosmo told us to “supercharge his desire” by talking dirty to him. Not just any dirty talk ladies. We are suppose to give him specific assignments like; “Put this here and that there.” No wonder so many chicks get tramp stamps these days. Less words, more satisfaction. Then, a sweet little half article caught my eye; 4 White Lies You Should Tell Your Guy. One of them, I can’t quite muster. In bed, if girls have done something naughty foxy, they are suppose to claim, “Nope, I’ve never done that in bed before either.”

Screw that. I’m getting a stop sign as my tramp stamp.

After a quick shower, (and shamelessly rubbing Justin Bieber’s Someday perfume sample all over my neck and upper arms), I came across an article where guys answered all of our sex questions. And Cosmo was nice enough to round up the biggest douche bags on planet earth. The very first question was “Do you ever prefer a hand job over having sex?” Aside from that being the stupidest question EVER, the answer was a triumphant, “Yes, but only when full-on sex isn’t an option, such as on an airplane or at the DMV.”

I didn’t read any more of the article.

Finally, I fell upon (pun intended) ‘The Sexiest Things to Do After Sex.’  Even though I’m pretty sure the sexiest thing to do is eat peppermint bon bon ice cream and read Ne-Yo lyrics out loud to each other, curiosity got the best of me.

Cosmo Says: Play with props. Have him lick chocolate syrup off your boobs. He’ll enjoy playing lab partner and watching their effects on you.

Brittany Says: Correct me if I’m wrong, but are we bringing scientific experiments into the bedroom and studying what happens when the man pours Hershey’s syrup all over our lady breasts (using the word “breasts” because that’s more scientific sounding)? Correct me if I’m wrong (again) but you’re naked, hence no lab coat is involved. And sorry but the closest thing to a science experiment is hypothesizing what caused the explosion downtown five minutes earlier.

Cosmo Says: Put on a show. Deepen your breath, engage in some sexy fondling, then give him a sly smile and tell him to take over.

Brittany Says: Ugh. I thought this was after sex. Sex after sex? Fine. But let’s get a little more creative here Cosmo. I can write an article too: “The Yummiest Things to Eat After Eating.”

Cosmo Says: Get his mind engaged by giving him hot visual inspiration, such as letting you walk around the bedroom naked.

Brittany Says: Not sexy. Here, let me wander around the room stark naked. While I’m up for a little strip tease or a nonchalant prance into the bathroom, roaming nekkid around a bedroom just…seems like a bad dream.

Cosmo Says: Have him talk about his body, like how he got a scar or by commenting that he looks buffer.

Brittany Says: Nope, let’s talk about me. And how sexy I look as I wander around the room naked, with chocolate syrup stained on my boobs, while I’m touching myself. BOOM.

Priorities, people.

Let’s move forth into the ridiculousness and play a little game I like to call: “Things I bet you didn’t know before Cosmo published another month of doozies.”  I promise, you’ll learn more than you will at your 8 A.M. English Writing class. First, I bet you didn’t know that when a guy dances and gives a lap dance from behind; that means he’s passionate, but may consider his desires before yours.  Wait you’re confusing me Cosmo, but he’s behind me – doesn’t that speak figuratively into our relationship??

I bet you didn’t know that Tony Parker cheated on Eva because he tensely cupped his hand near his pocket while she rested her hand on his abdomen at a movie premiere.  If only Eva would have spotted this sign earlier (or stopped swinging her hand near his crotch so much)…she could have gotten a prenup.

I bet you didn’t know that if you drink vodka and then lick your boyfriend’s nipples and blow, it stings like chapped winter nipples shall, it makes it extra tingly. I bet you also didn’t know gyno symptoms you should never ignore are “a stabbing pain in your pelvic region, a bloody vadge after sex, and milky nipple fluid.”  How ignorant does Cosmo think I am? It takes less than a firework coming out of my va-jay-jay that spells ‘STD’ in smoke for me to ignore that kind of lower region shiz.

Lastly, a nice little article called ’25 Fun Things to do With Your Guy‘ peeped it’s way into my funny bone like a joke on the back of a Laffy Taffy wrapper.  Finally, a list about doing things with men that’s not going to make me feel bad about being alone on Valentines Day.

Cosmo Says: Get VIP couple treatment. When you’re checking into a hotel, have your guy use the line: “I’m proposing tonight.  Is there anything you can do to help me make it unforgettable?”

Brittany Says: Oh great, not only does Cosmo promote freaky, tantric sex with lubed plastic necklaces, they are now promoting lying to get there. Unless you’re Paris Hilton – that kind of treatment should be out.  Besides, lie about more important things.  Like, after you eat a medium fry at McDonalds, go back through the drive-thru and tell them you didn’t get your Dollar Menu fry order.

Cosmo Says: Talk dirty in a foreign language. ‘Do me now’ sounds hotter with an accent.

Brittany Says: Oh please, I would probably try to say ‘do me now’ in Spanish and end up with ‘put the cucumber in my ear.’

Cosmo Says: High five like pros.  As you’re going in for the high five, instead of looking at each other’s hands, focus on the other person’s elbow – it improves accuracy.

Brittany Says: Instead of perfecting your sportsmanlike victory five – try having more sex. You’re in a happy relationship.  Not a Prozac commercial.

Cosmo Says: Discover a planet. Grab binoculars and set your sights on Jupiter.

Brittany Says: Please tell me that was a metaphor for something else.

Hellooooooo cleavage!

When I saw October’s cover of Cosmo, the headline ‘Own His Orgasm! What Men Really Want Right Before Blast Off,’ I almost considered going to church next Sunday. Whoa, Cosmo. Pump the breaks a bit, shall we? I haven’t even busted this baby open yet and I’m already getting weird stares from the check-out lady in Target.  Of course it didn’t help that the cover also boasted answers to 100 crazy, dirty sex questions for all of our uneducated, perverted peepsies out there….in true Tweet fashion (20 words or less).

Also in this issue, Cosmo posed the question we are all dying to know: ‘Do You Know the Real You?’ In the article it stated, “Research shows that key aspects of your personality may already be in place by the time you are in first grade.” Great, that explains everything (i.e. compulsively eating Pop Tarts, not being able to properly communicate in intense social situations, and still struggling with long division). One of the better articles showcased was how to ‘Win Anyone Over in 3 Minutes.’ Anyone except the woman giving you the stink eye when you’re buying this over sexualized magazine, that is.

Anyway, it’s time to get to the good stuff. And by the good stuff, I mean an article that prevents the opportunity to keep a straight face while scanning its many paragraphs.  Article, meet readers. Readers, meet ‘Easy Ways to Feel More Aroused.’ This list included finding your ‘horny song,’ taking ‘half showers’ and flirting with random guys to feel more playful and saucy. The best part of the article though? A small feature called, ‘Definite Mojo Killers.’ Cosmo claimed they are major mistakes that will make your libido tank.  I claim they are high-larious.

Cosmo Says: Your guy unhooks your bra…and some of your fiber cereal from that morning’s breakfast falls out.
Brittany Says: Snack break!

Cosmo Says: He takes your try at dirty talk a little too seriously. “How do you get me so hot?” is a rhetorical question.  No need to respond with, “Perhaps it’s my new axe body wash.”
Brittany Says: No, please that is so bro-fabulous! While you’re getting it on next time and you tell him to, “Ride me” I hope he says, “I’m on a horse.” Oh wait, that’s Old Spice.

Cosmo Says: You’re this close to an epic O when you discover that his cell-phone ring-tone of choice is Justin Bieber’s “Love Me.”
Brittany Says: I’m absolutely dying at this.  So the dude appreciates little boys singing wistful techno tunes. So what? (I guess I’m just a suckah for love). This isn’t what you had in mind for your “horny song,” Cosmo?

Cosmo Says: SeamlessWeb said you have 35 minutes to get it on before the Dominos arrived. Just as the condom goes on, you find out they were wrong.
Brittany Says: Oh my lord. Stop whining. You’re about to get it on and ‘oops, pizzas here?’ Yesterday I watched the History Channel for 3 hours. By myself. Get over it.

Cosmo Says: You go into his top drawer to get some lube…and discover his Team Taylor t-shirt.
Brittany Says: Let’s have a toast to all the softies. Then get right back to business.

True to form, this month I loyally snatched my July edition of Cosmo. I couldn’t help wondering what on earth my girl Shakira was wearing on the cover. Was that a lace leotard and jeans? And after seeing the headline: “Vaginas Under Attack” I couldn’t wait to snap open the magazine, whip out my notepad and get reading. Just like middle school!

Once inside, I was bombarded with lots of information about dudes.  An article about ‘101 things About Men‘ mentioned when men wear girlie things (i.e. pinkie ring or pink shirt) it means he’s even manlier because he can wear whatever he wants. I say if the brisk thought crosses his mind about wearing a feminine item of clothing, his manliness is politely bypassed. Sorry Cosmo.  Another article included man advice about turn-ons and turn-offs and what he likes to see women wear. Including the romper, which we all know is about as true as Lilo’s claims of sobriety. I’m not going to begin to think men like frontal-wedgie town and difficult access.

My least favorite article was a brief ‘10 Reasons We’re Still Obsessed With R-Patz.‘ The most delightful reason? Cosmo says, “He doesn’t date skanky chicks.” After regaining an airway post choking on my Special K, I turned the page. I’m just going to count that statement as an overly sarcastic joke.

But a personal favorite article near the end (they save the best for last at Cosmopolitan) was called, “20 Dares to Take on After Dark.” I didn’t even need to read the teaser to know this one was going to be good….

Cosmo Says: Invite the girls over for a blackout version of truth or dare. Pull the curtains so you can barely see. When everyone’s feeling a little more risque, it’s way more fun.
Brittany Says: Now I understand why the purchasing of this magazine was heightened when I was in middle school. But back in my day, we played truth or dare in the safety of my good buddy: light. This also sounds like the opening scene of ‘Jennifer’s Body.’ Therefore, it scares me.

Cosmo Says: Haven’t tried Chatroulette.com? Dim the overhead light, and start clikcing. Hey, you never know who may pop up to chat with.
Brittany Says: Uh, actually, Cosmo, anyone who has ever tried Chatroulette.com knows exactly who may “pop up to chat with,” and unless I want to get molested via computer screen in the darkness, I won’t be doing this. Also, images appear clearer on a computer screen when the lights are turned down. I don’t need the numerous peen images from Chatroulette to be any clearer, thankyouverymuch.

Cosmo Says: Feed each other ice cream. Not being able to see means more spilling, which means more licking up the mess.
Brittany Says: I can already feel the metal spoon clinking on my teeth when my smooth significant other misses my mouth mid-serve. And sticky ice cream residue all over my sheets…. sounds kinky and romantic to me.

Cosmo Says: Next time you’re at the movie theater, slip off the lacy silk panties you wore for this purpose, and hand them to your guy (don’t forget which side he’s sitting on).
Brittany Says: Hey everyone, next time you’re at a movie theater why don’t you think about all the panty-less women who have sat on that seat before you. Barf. Just because we’re in the darkness doesn’t mean we need to turn this joint into a Moulin Spooge.

First page I have bookmarked: the hot sheet. Scroll your eyes down to number 6: Vagazzling. Creative word, I must say. But jewels on your vagina? Umm can you say uncomfortable? Whatever kind of guy thinks this is hot is a guy I never want to meet, let alone expose my un-gazzled self to. Moving on.

In “The Love Mistake That Pushes Him Away” we are instructed on the correct way to ask our guy to stop seeing that girl we don’t trust around him. The article begins by suggesting we can’t tell him who he can or cannot hangout with. And by the end of the article we have learned how to tell him who he can and cannot hang out… only in a polite manner. Pretty sure no matter how polite or nasty you are when saying this, the message remains the same.

Then we’re given a fun way to pick up a guy. Cosmo suggests we take our bracelet off, stick it in our purse, and go up to the hottie at the bar and ask him to help find the “missing bracelet.” That is just cheesier than a bowl of Easy Mac. Don’t play dumb to meet a guy; just go up to him at the bar and start a convo. That is way more fearless than “losing” a bracelet in your purse.

And then I came to “How to Make a Man Commit.” Why is every article in Cosmo about how to change yourself to get a guy? GRR. Donde esta the one magazine that will encourage readers to be themselves? (What’s up, CollegeCandy?!)

Cosmo Says: You show him your sweet side. Going out of your way to display affection for your guy and make his life easier.
Arielle Says: Of course it’s nice for a man to wake up to fresh pancakes or come home after a long day to his favorite DVD already in the player and his favorite beer waiting in the fridge. But I also happen to enjoy waking up to pancakes and coming home to my favorite DVD and beer in the fridge (Shock Top with an orange slice, in case anyone who loves me is reading.) While it’s nice to do things for your man, make sure it’s equal.

Cosmo Says: You’re always game. Men want someone fun- plain and simple.
Arielle Says: I’m all about having fun and doing adventurous things. But not all women are. So, don’t do something you don’t want to do just to impress a man. Find someone who will commit to you because he loves you for what you enjoy doing.

Cosmo Says: You Work Your Look. A man passing a woman on the street will pick up on everything physical: hair, eyes, figure, skin, smile, outfit.
Arielle Says: Where are the men who pick up on these things? Not sure the last time my boyfriend even noticed when I got a haircut. But a short skirt? Yeah, he definitely notices those.

Cosmo Says: You keep him engrossed. Dudes also connect more easily with women who can keep them entertained during a conversation.
Arielle Says: I’d rather have a man who can talk politics with me than a man who yaps about baseball scores all night. But sometimes talking about our emotions is important to us, the same as baseball is important to him. If you listen while he rattles off batting averages, he should listen when you come home with some juicy work gossip.

Cosmo Says: You leave something to the imagination. Guys aren’t dumb. They know you pee, wax, put on zit cream… they just don’t want to think about it.
Arielle Says: I agree with Cosmo here; women stuff should be left to the privacy of the bathroom. So why is it that men can fart in our faces and think it’s hilarious and adorable? Women like a little mystery, too, ya know!

Cosmo Says: You can let the small stuff slide. The key is to show him that although you’re a team now, he still has independence.
Arielle Says: Make sure you have your independence, too! If you don’t yell at him for leaving the toilet seat up, make sure he doesn’t yell at you for taking too long to get ready before date nights.

First we learn what kind of behavior is too freaky to fix on a man… such as someone who Tweets every time you switch positions in bed. If you didn’t know that before reading Cosmo, then your behavior is probably too freaky to fix, too.

Then we move on to several quizzes, in which we learn that we will be rich one day if we answer yes to having played competitive sports or were on the debate team in high school. Somehow I have a feeling Bill Gates was involved in neither and look at him now.

This month’s Cosmo also teaches readers how to flirt with anyone and everyone, including the dry cleaner. Because that tiny little man who cleans the stains off of my bedding is exactly who I want to take home to momma….

Oh, and real quickly: when did horoscopes start mentioning text messages and what flavor lube I’ll be interested in this month? Does that change by the month? What happened to good old advice on what to do when my friend gets mad at me on the 8^th? And why does Carrie Underwood’s hair look so greasy that it appears she hasn’t washed it in months? Gross.

But even with all of that priceless information and advice, the March issue gets even better: What his Texts Really Mean. I know, it sounds groundbreaking, right? Like the kind of information that could earn those Cosmo girls a Nobel Prize. I mean, we’ve all wondered what the hell he was trying to say and now Cosmo is going to break it all down for us and help us respond!

Well, that was the intention anyway….

Cosmo Says:  A few words, like “hey.” Translation: He’s thinking about you and is craving reassurance that he’s on your mind, too. Your move: His ego needs a little stroking, so try “what’s up, sexy?”
Arielle Says: Well, Cosmo’s right – he’s definitely thinking about you. But I’m not sure the word “hey” actually means he’s insecure and unsure. Where I’m from, it’s just a greeting. Don’t feel the need to tell him how amazing he is just because he asked you what’s up. (Also, can Cosmo avoid the word “stroking,” please?)

Cosmo Says: Questions like “what are you up to tonight?” Translation: He wants to feel out your response before putting his neck on the line. Your move: Play coy.
Arielle Says: He obviously wants to hang out with you. Or is curious about what you’re doing. So stop wasting text messages and just get to the point.

Cosmo Says: A string of characters that are even more maddening because you can almost figure them out. Example: last nit u tuk it 2 krzy. Translations: He feels like the two of you can practically read each other’s minds. Your move: Let him know you are still on the same wavelength but have no clue what that meant.
Arielle Says: This is 2010. In a world where we abbreve the word abbreviate, it’s perfectly normal to shorten words in text messages. It’s super annoying, but I’m sure it’s just as annoying for him to hear you saying “obvi” and “totes” all the time.

…Or he’s drunk.

Cosmo Says: Stupid movie quotes. Translation: It’s an attempt at flirting. He’s trying to show you how funny he is. Your move: Google the quote to find out where it’s from and shoot one back.
Arielle Says: He’s just trying to get a giggle out of you. End of story.

Cosmo Says: Anything but a straight-up yes or no, such as “maybe.” Translation: He has zero interest in trying to come up with plans for the two of you. Your move: Don’t let the fact that he won’t give you an answer stop you from moving forward.
Arielle Says: Just because he’s not sure doesn’t mean he has zero interest in making plans with you. “Maybe” he has a Halo match tonight. Or “maybe” he needs to write a paper. No need to go to extremes, ladies. Either make the plans or give him some options to choose from.

Cosmo

We also learn that what you’re envious of reveals what you really want in life. But didn’t we already learn this when Laguna Beach first came out and we all felt green with envy? I don’t think it took our “where-we-sit-at-lunch-defines-our-popularity-status” high school minds and an article from Cosmo to realize that we were envious because we wanted what they had. We wanted their million dollar mansions, designer name clothing, thriving social lives, and Ste-VEN in our beds. And we especially all wanted to be asked to our proms with a fish filled pool and a lit up sign. So thanks anyway, Cosmo.

But perhaps the most informative article this month is His Bedtime Body Language, in which we learn how his sleeping position tells us all we need to know about his personality.

Cosmo Says: Facedown: This guy likes to be in control.
Arielle Says: Or maybe he just likes to shove his face under the pillow so the afternoon sun doesn’t wake him from his slumber.

Cosmo Says: On His Back: His open posture shows that he’s secure and optimistic.
Arielle Says: Yeah… optimistic for a blow job! Or maybe he was watching an episode of Entourage and fell asleep halfway through. Or was reading his biology assignment and fell asleep with the book on his chest. Well, actually probably not the latter, if your man is anything like mine… Either way, the analysis of this sleeping position should really just be that he will need a nose strip; he’s going to be snoring all night.

Cosmo Says: Thrashing Around: Constant movement indicates your guy is stressed.
Arielle Says: This is probably the only one that actually holds some merit. We all thrash around when we’re stressed… and when we’ve had too much to drink and can’t get comfortable on either side because the room is spinning no matter which direction we face. He may also be thrashing around because it’s hard to find a comfortable position in a dorm-style twin bed with two people in it.

Cosmo Says: On His Side: Men who snooze this way tend to be laid-back and quick to compromise.
Arielle Says: Or he turned away from his girlfriend because she was reading Cosmo and asking him why he doesn’t compromise even though he sleeps on his side…

By far the most -  ahem – interesting article, though, was The Guy Report (surprise, surprise). Read on for the gems of advice that Cosmo doles out this month.

Cosmo Says: If your guy won’t let you put pics up of the two of you kissing on FB, he’s just concerned with privacy.
Kari Says: OR he doesn’t want anyone knowing you two are dating…sketchy. I’m not into PDA, especially not when it involves a 5 minute video of you two staring into each others’ eyes meaningfully, or passionately making out in hi-def (Note: no one else is, either). But we’re all guilty of letting a little mush slip into our tagged photos every once in a blue moon. If he’s serious about you, he won’t mind letting his friends (or “Friends”) know.

Cosmo Says: Stop asking your date questions about himself! Make sure the convo revolves around you, he’ll be smitten.
Kari Says: Really? Because I’ve been on dates like that – they’re not fun! I understand that Cosmo is trying to promote self-confidence, but being interesting is just as important as being interested. The best conversation should casually flow back and forth about both of us, right? I want to get to know a guy as best as I can when we’re on a date…kinda hard to do if I won’t shut up about myself the entire time. Besides, a great date will ask all the right questions about me—all on his own!

Also Enlightening was “How a Guy Gets Over a Breakup”:

Cosmo Says: Men don’t like anyone to know they cry, but they all do, and it helps them process emotion.
Kari Says: Believe it or not, us womenfolk are actually clued in to the fact that yes, men do cry! We know they don’t want to do it in front of us, and we suspected there might be some background soundtrack to drown out the noise, but I never did suspect that it was heavy-metal. Or that they referred to the act as producing “hot, manly, motor-oil tears”…

Cosmo Says: Any dude who’s upset about a break up will punch things.
Kari Says: Also true. Except men punching things and taking their fury out on inanimate objects/CGI Halo enemies has never been exclusively limited to break up anger. I like to make sure that when my BF watches Monday Night Football, any small object within a 3 foot radius is nailed down. If it’s not, I can expect it to get hurled across the room.

Cosmo Says: The first Friday night your ex is alone, he will attempt to get you back (by drunk dialing).
Kari Says: If any guy is serious in his attempts to win back a girl, I would hope that this epiphany occurred for reasons other than a bottle of Jack and a cell phone nearby. If this sudden realization does result from actual remorse, pain or missing his ex-girlfriend, guzzling a six-pack before he calls probs isn’t the way to go.  A better route? Skip the Bud and buy some knee pads; now swallow the pride and prepare to make a heartfelt apology.

Ok ladies, what advice do you have about guys that Cosmo should really be writing?

This month, Cosmo’s Guy Report includes some of the usual brilliant suggestions from staffers, as well as expert opinion (read: random dudes interns found on the street) on everything from tatted up ladies to the little signals he’s allegedly sending us.

3 Things He Says That Seem Innocent But Aren’t…

Cosmo Says: “I still love you” translates into “I love you a lot less now that we just had this fight.” “Whatever” is no longer a fun word to abbreviate, but rather a sign that your guy is about to tune you out, and “Oh, Great” is not a demonstration of his sarcastic side, but an omen that your relationship will end.

Kari  Says: I guess my boyfriend should have broken up with me years ago, because these non-innocent quips pop up from time to time. Maybe it’s just me, but if I screw up royally and we get into a shouting match, I want nothing more than reassurance that my boyfriend still loves me. And as for “whatever”-ing, it’s usually more of a response to my daily “What should I make for dinner?” text. And the sarcasm? I def would prefer sincerity but I don’t think a few eye rolls are grounds for an impending break up…

Guypinion: Chicks With Lots of Tats

Cosmo(‘s poll guys) says: Back tattoos would screw up Jon’s “rhythm” during doggie style.  Chris, 35, would prefer no ink—however “great boobs and a great butt” might make up for it, and Matt, 27, thinks all tattoos are stupid unless they are an exact replica of your dog’s paw print.

Kari Says: Ink-free is the way to be for me, but I personally think that all my girls with body art are bangin’. They all put a lot of thought and time planning out their tattoos, and none of the guys they’ve hooked up with had ever had a problem with…distractions (sorry, Jon). Where are all the guys who think tattoos are sexy? They had to be out there somewhere, Cosmo; more diversity on the polls please!

Why You Should Check His E-Mail

Cosmo Says: It’s totes not OK to read his e-mail, but every Cosmo Girl should obviously read over his shoulder to check out his inbox maintenance. Someone with a “tidy inbox probably manages his life well,” someone with a ton of e-mail can’t get their sh*t together and someone who saves every e-mail they’ve ever gotten is sentimental.

Kari Says: Perfect! I needed a quick, creepy way to categorize my boyfriend’s personality type based on something totally random. Way better than the article I was planning on writing about “What his eyebrow shape says about his financial future.” Seriously, Cosmo? I guess I can understand the tidy inbox/ Type A  example, but someone who gets a ton of e-mail might just be really popular (or friends with too many promoters on FB). And someone who saves every e-mail they’ve ever gotten is effing weird, not sentimental.

How To Cure A Football Addict

Cosmo Says: “Whenever possible, convince him to DVR games for later.” Also, give him an ultimatum and make sure he always at least gets to watch the 4^th quarter. Tell him how much you LOVE football so he knows it’s important when you tell him he can’t watch. If all else fails, threaten to go out with your crazy single ladies any given Sunday.

Kari Says: Once you can convince him to give up his pesky football habit, you’ll have a much easier time persuading him to let you keep his balls in a jar on your desk. Football can be really special to guys, and if he loves it that much, who am I to force him to give it up? I mean, homeboy will never understand my sick obsession with the Real Housewives of New Jersey, but he doesn’t demand I give up my Danielle fix. A better way to deal with a football freak is to learn the basic rules, and a few impressive stats to impress him with in casual conversation (I like to name the positions. “Left Defensive End” is my favorite one to throw around.) Then, put on his favorite team’s jersey and watch a game with him. You might actually enjoy it, and if you don’t, guys usually watch football while drinking copious amounts of beer and eating great fattening food, so you really can’t go wrong.

What do you guys think about this particular Man Manual? Did you ever feel the need to stalk your guy’s inbox or cure a football addict? Gentlemen who LIKE body art, I know you’re out there—what do you think about a girl with tats?

Now, the woman-in-trench-coat-peeping-through-blinds picture that accompanied the headline immediately got me excited for the juicy confessions of some private investigator. Boy was I wrong. Instead, Dr. Harry Fisch, author of Size Matters, decoded what size, shape, texture and taste (!!) mean when it comes to a guy’s libido. So, read on to find out what it means if…

…He’s Trim Around the Middle.

Cosmo Says: If the guy’s got a spare tire, all that extra fat will break down testosterone much faster than lean muscle, and “testosterone is the gas that drives the car. If it’s low…he’ll be tired, he’s not going to be able to exercise very much, he’s less likely to be in the mood, and his fertility will be lower.”

Kari Says: Interesting. I didn’t know a little extra padding could be so detrimental to a guy’s sex life. I mean, a huge potbelly is definitely going to lower a guy’s chances of getting laid, but I had no clue it would affect his performance/ potency when he eventually does bed someone. Testosterone must be pretty damn important.

…He’s Got Guns.

Cosmo Says: Yes, Kari, testosterone is pretty damn important. If you want to have great sex, find a guy who’s “trim and jacked” because all those muscles mean more testosterone. Also, tall, thin guys with bodies like noodles don’t produce as much, and some guys won’t produce a lot no matter how much they workout, those hopeless wimps.

Kari Says: Ugh, it’s nice to look at all those fake baked guidos glistening while they spot each other at the gym, but it’s another thing entirely to want to sleep with them. Even if they are producing mucho testosterone (and I’m not sure how black market steroids affect that hormone post-cycle), I think I might rather sleep with noodle boy and have mediocre sex than get my bump and grind on while jamming to house music. Just sayin’.

…He Parties Smart.

Cosmo Says: “Smoking and heavy drinking have the same effect on a guy’s mojo as a Rosie O’Donnell striptease.”

Kari Says: Poor Rosie, but ugh, vivid mental image. Anyways, Dr. Fisch explains that cigarettes constrict bloodflow to the penis, making erection a sometimes issue. But if a guy reeks of cigarette smoke, has yellow smokers’ teeth or has a red pleather Marlboro jacket (that he acquired by saving all those cigarette box tops), he’s gonna have issues wooing the ladies long before his junk doesn’t work. And the alcohol thing? Obviously, if a guy’s so toasted that I fear for the leather seats in my car, all he’s getting before bed is some ibuprofen and a bucket by the bed. But what if he’s still coherent and only slightly slurring? Well, as a victim of whiskey-dick syndrome, I can attest to the disappointment that comes along with alcohol-induced impotence. I agree with Dr. Fisch here.

…His Testicles are in Top Shape.

Cosmo Says: “Check out the size of his testicles, each should be the size of a walnut.” Also, check out the temperature, because if they’re running too hot, it might be because of a vein cluster called a varicocele. Find this by cupping his balls and running your thumb all over.

Kari Says: Cosmo, I’m beginning to be overwhelmed with all the testicular action you provide every month. You’ve taught me how to use them to enhance foreplay, control orgasm, and now determine future fertility risks. The uses for male reproductive organs will never end! The act of sneaking around his sack to find potential baby-making problems does seem kind of creepy, though; could you imagine if the guy noticed your facial expression was a little to concentrated? “Uh, what are you doing?” “Oh, nothing. Just exploring your reproductive value while pretending to pleasure you.” Awk.

…He Has Stellar Semen.

Cosmo Says: “You can glean a lot from the volume, clarity and taste of a man’s semen.”

Kari Says: No. Effing. Way. Cosmo, you have never shied from going into all the gritty details of all things sex, but there’s no way you would devote a column of an article to semen consistency, right? Wrong. Apparently, I’m supposed to measure out about half a teaspoon of jizz to determine if a) something is wrong or b) he masturbates a lot (I’m gonna go with b.) After that, I should check out how cloudy or clear it is—his ejaculate, not the weather—to see if he’ll have difficulty fathering my children. Finally, I should give it a good swish around my mouth to see if it’s salty (masturbates a lot) or sweet (hasn’t come for a while.) Pass. On all of the above.

…He Takes Just Long Enough

Cosmo Says: If he comes to fast, that sucks. If he takes too long, he could be masturbating too much, or he’s on anti-depressants and/or anti-anxiety meds.

Kari Says: Well, I’m definitely not gonna argue with you on this one Cosmo and Dr. Fisch. But in the second scenario, if he is taking a little too long (and there is such a thing, gentlemen!), I’d probably chalk it up to the masturbating thing before demanding a list of his prescriptions.

So what do you think? Good tips for determining a guy’s sexual abilities and reproductive health? Would you ever use any of this advice?