So the world hasn't ended (yet). We're pretty excited that we have some more time on this fabulous and fierce planet. I mean, there are still a few hours left in the day but fingers-crossed, we're in it for the long haul. Here are some of the things we're looking forward to in 2013.
Everyday until December 21, 2012 we will count down to the end with a sign of the apocalypse. It’s …
Mother Jones reports that body armor company, Amendment II, has tripled their sales in bulletproof backpacks for kids
So this week, conveniently the week of the apocalypse, Gossip Girl revealed who Gossip Girl actually is for their series finale.
Justin Bieber's manager Scooter Braun has said that The Biebz is in talks to create a sitcom based on his life before fame. The show will be executive produced by he and The Biebz.
This needn't any commentary. Here are the judges words straight up. Mind you this is after the criminal was charged and convicted of the following: rape, forcible oral copulation, domestic battery, stalking and making threats against his former live-in girlfriend.
The Pope has jointed Twitter. Why? Well, obviously to reach a larger audience. WHY? When the apocalypse happens he will be our direct channel to Jebus who will be sending him messages on all the great hiding places for when the zombies come. Jebus knows all the good hiding places.
NASA has announced there won't be the end of the world in spite of the Mayan calendar's December 21st prediction. Clearly they are only saying this because there will be an apocalypse. Why else would one of the biggest, cosmic-est government agencies waste their time with declaring that "nothing will happen." They just don't want you to panic when the poop hits the fan.
The god of war and overcompensating penises, has created a new soap that seeks to cure "mangina." What is mangina? Oh, you know, a disease (or cultural ideology) that shames men for engaging in activities that are considered stereotypically female. There's nothing worse than being a like a girl - amirite, ladies?
Ice and Coco are fighting on Twitter - the gods must be meddling. I don't if you've ever seen Ice Loves Coco, but you need to. There is only one conclusion to draw after watching 5 minutes of the hit reality TV series and that is: Ice, in fact, does love Coco.
Is there a clearer sign that the apocalypse is coming than a "Zombie Apocalypse" special on the Discovery Channel? Why is the Discovery Channel airing this documentary - because it's a part of their new lineup called "APOCALYPSE TUESDAYS!" It's coming. The special follows around ordinary people who are prepping for the zomgbies and interviews scientists and specialists on the horrific scenario in which humans come back from the dead and eat our faces.
Lesson materials included direction on how to carry out a “slave raid” and manipulate “African Chiefs” through bribes and lacing them with alcohol.
There are rumors floating around the Multiverse that Rihanna has asked for time off to have Chris Brown's baby. The couple are also rumored to be planning a secret New Years Eve wedding. Will their offspring be a devil spawn genetically designed to make Chart Topping Hits? Was it hand crafted by Beelzebub to become the antithesis of Our Lord & Savior Blue Ivy Carter? Will there be an epic battle between Good and Evil that can only be resolved by dancing baby knife fights? We'll find out on December 21st. How will Rihanna give birth so soon? According to Television (which means it's true) devil babies always get born only a few days after conception.
Vanity Fair has featured 6 men and 6 of a lesser-known species called "women" on the 3 covers of its January 2013 "Comedy's New Legends" issue. This will be their first comedy issue, guest edited by Judd Apatow and featuring: Paul Rudd, Chris Rock, Ben Stiller, Jim Carey, Will Ferrell, Leslie Mann, Melissa McCarthy, Megan Fox, Kristen Wiig, Amy Poehler and Maya Rudolph. Equal representation of women and men in such a butch, flannel, pickle-jar opening field of work such as "making people catch a case of the giggles," has been empirically denied.
The Gods are plotting against us. Just when we thought we knew how bad the end of the world was going to be . . . it got worse. Who could have anticipated the strongest, most powerful Goddesses of the Moon, Meryl of Comedy and Hillary of Tragedy, joining forces? No one. This is photographic evidence of their plan for world domination.
tarbucks has conjured up a new potion designed for seduction called Geisha. The regular cup of coffee (none of that frappuccino, latte fancy pants, etc.) is $6 for a tall and $7 for a grande. The witch's brew is crafted by the voodoo lords of Teavana a small covenant in Costa Rica where coffee is brewed from the blood of an ox and the eye of a crocodile.
Katy Perry, Siren of Candy Land, declared that she does not work out, that she simply stuffs her Snorlax-sized body into spanx. The Siren of Candy Land has exposed her beguiling powers to create enchanted glamours.
The world is pooing its pants because the Queen of Fire and Ice, Kate Middleton, has cut her fringe (the source of all her power) into a side bang. The new haircut is only visible to members of the Volturi. We can only confirm that the message from the nether world is true because we poured salt into the corner of the office yesterday and today it was gone! Are you a member of the Volturi? Can you see the difference?
The personal psychic medium to the blind prophet Ray Charles, Jamie Foxx, has declared Obama "Lord and Savior" of this life . . . and the next. While at the Soul Reaping Train Awards last night, Jamie Foxx invoked the wisdom of the stars to praise the new leader of the Garden of Eden, Barack Moses Obama. He announced to the free world, "It's like church over here. It's like church in here. First of all, give an honor to God and our Lord and Savior Barack Obama. Barack Obama."
Astrophysicist and sex symbol, Neil deGrasse Tyson, who notoriously uses his dark sorcery to "communicate with science," has left this cryptic message on Twitter alluding to the end. Much like the Greek prophet Tiresias, deGrasse Tyson uses doublespeak and verbal irony to convey a sense of imminent doom and foreboding evil.
Legendary, faux lesbians from Russia, t.a.T.u. are reuniting to perform on "The Voice" in Romania. The duo are celebrating their album's 10th anniversary.
The first sign of the apocalypse has arrived. A Wiccan source and master of the dark arts has used a confundus spell to confuse Radar into believing Emma Stone has a sex tape.