I’ve been looking for a cure for my problem for months.  Why can’t I just relax, sit back, and enjoy? What can I possibly do to block the free-flowing thoughts and get into the moment?  I know there is nothing emotionally wrong with me; I’m a normal girl and just like every other girl out there, my mind is riddled with thoughts.  Mine just happen to reproduce like a cluster of horny bunny rabbits whenever I get nakie and start doing the nasty.

Luckily, there is always a solution to my problems!  And this time, altering my mind may have a little something to do in altering my position.

A little back story:
While hiding from the Black Friday crowds in an empty bookstore last week, a certain title caught my eye. And that title was “Spectacular Sex Moves He’ll Never Forget.” I ducked down in the aisle and began flipping through, intrigued by the yoga-turned-sex moves I discovered. That night, fueled by some leftover wine, my boyfriend and I tried one out. And it was a night neither of us will soon forget.

Since then, we’ve been toying around with many fun and interesting new sex positions (which I’m sure will be even more fun when we’re no longer crashing in my parents’ basement) and I have to say, my sex life will never be the same. If you’re like me and tend to stick with the more traditional approach to sex (“I lie, you do all the work”), take it from me: it’s time to crack a book and get a little more adventurous between the sheets.

Why? I’m glad you asked.

It Brings You Closer Together
Because we were both nervous to try out a rather complicated new position, it was rather awkward for both of us.  Especially when I accidentally kicked him in the groin when my foot cramped up and he hit his head on the wall. But we fell into buckets of laughter together. Once that was out of the way, we were both free of any insecurities and I was free of the intrusive thoughts that usually get in the way of actually enjoying the moment.   It was embarrassing at first, of course, but we were both vulnerable and we worked together to accomplish something intimate and exciting. The barrier was broken and eye contact, free thoughts and comfort were welcomed with open legs arms.

It makes a long term relationship exciting again
Let’s be honest: when you’re in a long term relationship, sex can become boring and can even feel like a chore sometimes. But adding something new and different gives you something to look forward to and makes sex lively and fun again.

It’s a fun couple challenge
Beyond spicing your love life up, it’s fun to challenge yourself as a couple and try to master a brand new craft. Together, you can go above and beyond and take sexy time to the next level.  I’m always more satisfied when I feel like I’ve accomplished something and when you accomplish something as a team, more power to you.

It burns more calories
There’s no way lying there in the missionary position does much in the calorie burning department.

It makes sex more enjoyable
Since you’re out trying new things, chances are you will find a position that you like even better than all that stuff you’re used to.  Imagine that!

Like En Vogue once sang, it’s time to ‘free your mind.’  And I’m willing to believe switching up sexy positions will help you let go.  For me, it was easy to release some nervous energy with my partner, experience new things together, get a workout, spice it up, all the while enjoying a pleasurable, extravagant experience.  That’s better recognition than getting an apple sticker on my 5th grade spelling test.

So, get out there!  Crack open Spectacular Sex Moves He’ll Never Forget and try some new positions.

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My mother (yes, my mother) once told me that if there aren’t fireworks between the sheets, it’s just not meant to be.  I immediately dismissed this advice, partly because it meant my menopausal mother was having better sex with my overweight father than I was with my supposedly sexually prime bedmate. But mostly, I rejected this theory because I didn’t, and still don’t, think its entirely true.

Sex – the good, the bad, and the ugly – where does it all fit in?

We make such a big deal about sex. It consumes us.  We lie about sex – we say we’re having less when we’re having more, and more when we’re having less. We worry about our relationship if the sex isn’t “above average.” We worry about our health, our sanity, our bodies and our worth if he simply rolls over. We use sex as a barometer for the status of our relationships when there couldn’t possibly be a less reliable, standardized or empirical indicator.

I, for one, do not believe that the caliber or frequency of the sex we’re having – or not having – is necessarily an accurate representation of what lies beneath. Now this is not to say that sex is not an important component of a relationship, because it is.  I fancy a good ole shag just as much as the next gal. What I am saying, though, is that thanks to soft core porn, (aka cable television), Megan Fox, and Cosmopolitan articles with titles like “Give Him the Best Sex of His Life” and “101 Sex Positions to Try Before You Die,” we have been made to believe that not only should we be having sex every night, but great sex every night, and this just isn’t realistic.

These fallacies also spawn a kind of sexual competition among men, women, and couples alike. “Do you guys have a swing? Where have you done it today? Have you tried the Reverse Amazon? What about the Jellyfish? The Bent Spoon?” It’s like losing your virginity automatically (and unwittingly) qualifies you for the sex Olympics and suddenly everybody’s keeping score, or being judged, or being stripped of their medals for performance enhancers. The whole world was turned upside down when Sting revealed that he has epic bouts of tantric sex with his wife on a regular basis, and women everywhere were making statements about “how lucky his wife is.” Now, I’m sorry, but I have no time to be having seven hour sex sessions; I have to eat an Italian sub, pass a bowel, and watch reality TV all before 1 p.m., so this just isn’t going to work. And quite frankly, I have no desire to play hide the canoli for four hundred and twenty minutes. Should I feel bad about that?

We are constantly bombarded with images of beautiful people having beautiful sex. And because of this they are happy…elated…energized! We are repeatedly told by “sexperts” that you need to spice things up in the bedroom to “keep the magic alive.” And when friends get together and talk the dirty (and not in the middle of the day at a local shabby chic diner for hours at a time like Sex and the City would lead you to believe), it’s almost always about a mind blowing orgasm, a rainy day marathon, or an inopportune and especially volatile queef.

But what about the average sex everyone is having? Why don’t we ever hear about that? Is consistent, moderate sex unacceptable?

I just do not believe that people all over the world are having non-stop, tear jerking, flesh gauging sex – and I think that’s OK. In fact, I think that’s natural and normal. Great sex takes work, and personally, I’m not always up for the challenge. I’ll admit it – sometimes it’s nice to just lie there, (and you’re lying if you say you’ve never felt the same). Yes, most of the time sex is an incredibly fulfilling, invigorating and enriching experience, and yes, most of the time I’m a team player. But after a ten hour day, four non-light beers, and two episodes of Intervention, I can guaran-f*cking-tee you I won’t be hanging from chandeliers or slipping into any tutus. AND I’M OKAY WITH THAT.

I recently had a friend come to me in tears, terrified that her relationship was over because “we are only having sex  every other day.” Although my concerns had more to do with the condition of her vagina, I simply responded, “you’re totally fine.” This was not enough for her, however, because she had fallen victim to another “sex myth.”

Time and time again, we have heard that the quality of sex is directly related to how much you care about the person, but that just isn’t the case. I think that perfect strangers can have mind-blowing quickies, I think you can have mediocre love making sessions with your soul mate, I think perfectly happy couples can hit a dry spell, and that two people with nothing in common can come together (pun intended) in bed (or on couch, in backseat, hanging from flagpole, whatever your fancy).

Certainly it makes sense that the emotional connection you have with your partner will affect the sex you share with him (or her) – stronger feelings will produce a deeper sense of intimacy, inspiring more passionate bedroom business, and bringing poignancy and sentiment to an exchange that can otherwise be quite barren. We are also inclined to be more generous and attentive lovers when we respect and appreciate our bedmates. And finally, and perhaps most importantly, the closer we are with our partners, the more comfortable we feel talking about the sex, sharing our likes and dislikes, our haves and have nots, and exploring fantasies, fetishes and fears that would otherwise remain dormant (and unfulfilled). However, I think this theory has some loopholes, and that it often plateaus, and once again, that the sex simply is not always indicative of, or an accurate representation of the tenor and essence of a relationship.

Nothing comes easily in the world that lies within our bedposts, and I’m tired of being told that it does! I’m tired of doing kegel exercises while watching Oprah so I can really nail that Reverse Cowgirl. I’m tired of watching middle-aged women climax repeatedly on courtroom dramas. I’m tired of oysters being marketed as aphrodisiacs – they’re fookin’ delicious, and that’s why I’ll eat 100 of them. And most of all, I’m tired of everyone denying the fact that just maybe, when the moon is full, or when the tide is red, or when the goddam pigs go soaring past your bedroom window, that they too, from time to time, are having just average sex.

[This post was originally written by Lexi C - Brown.]

9 things you shouldn’t say to a guy.

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Say it with me: awwwwwwwwwww.

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Paris Hilton’s got beef with Kimmy K.

[The following post was written by dating coach, Kira Sabin, a keg of dating and relationship wisdom. She's been helping people find love for years so we thought we'd tap this keg and see what sort of brilliant advice she has for the CollegeCandy readers. Drink up, ladies.]

Something happens from the time when we are kids to adults.  We learn that if we want to be successful at a career, buy a house, save for retirement or achieve any major milestone in life we have to work for it.  Yet, when I talk to people about finding “the one,” they want it to happen naturally. Organically. They will “know it when they see it.”

I don’t want to burst any bubbles, but no one is entitled to happiness.  Nor is anyone entitled to a wonderful relationship.  People have to work for it just like their careers or any of the other relationships in our lives like friendships or family.  When you feel you are entitled to something you stop working for it and sit around and wait for it to happen for you.

The good news is everyone can have a healthy and balanced relationship; the hard news is that you have to work for it just like other areas of your life. You’ll have to take chances, step outside your comfort zone, explore, open up and go against your natural human instinct to wait for the movie moment.  Want to stack the odds in your favor?  Do the homework.  Figure out where you are, who is a good match for you and be aware of how you are presenting yourself.

Here are a few other common dating myths you need to consider.

MYTH: Men are intimidated by confident and intelligent women

You are right.  Some men are intimidated by confident and intelligent women. They probably are not the right guys for you.  That’s ok….we are only looking for one.  No one is right for everyone.  But what I find is a more common scenario is that when a man meets a confident and independent woman, it may look like she does not have room in her life for him.  If she already has everything figured out, where does he fit?  No man I know is going to take the time to understand how he can squeeze himself into her schedule and life.  I know it is a fine line, but figure out how to be your fantastic confident self and able to express that there is room for a great person.

MYTH: The third-date rule

Dating isn’t about rules or games.  It is about smart decisions that protect your body and heart. Jumping into a sex too quickly confuses chemistry with compatibility.  Excited about the chemistry, it is easy to miss the red flags that alert you when someone isn’t a good match.  All of a sudden you are in a relationship and realize you don’t really even like the person, and at that point it is sticky to get out and feelings get hurt.  Here is the one rule to follow:  If you don’t feel comfortable talking about if you are dating and are exclusive, you probably shouldn’t be doing it.

Here is the honest truth.  Love is going to happen, when it happens.  There is no way to control it or force it.  It doesn’t even matter how desperately you want it.  What does matter is that you continue to take care of yourself and work on creating your life to be the type of person that you would want to date.  So, stop comparing yourself to everyone you know.  Yes, you may still be single while all of your friends have significant others. However, they may be envious of you and dream of the days when they were free to experience the world—despite telling you otherwise.  So get out there, take chances, step outside your comfort zone, explore, open up and create your own relationship success story and kick those myths to the curb.

MYTH:  Love Conquers all

You know what? I love love. I truly think it’s what makes the world go round. It is why I do what I do. But there is a lot of confusion out there about love and relationships. Our expectations are higher than they have ever been before. When we finally meet someone who we feel chemistry and a connection with we think to ourselves, “Finally!” Then we jump in with excitement.

Even as a dating coach, I do not think that it is my place to judge whether or not love can actually conquer all. What I do know is that too many times we get so excited that we miss the important stuff. The stuff that helps us know whether or not this is a true relationship where love can grow and maybe even conquer. Sometimes, we are not in the right place for a relationship because we haven’t taken care of the crud from our past that is blocking us from tearing down that wall and letting someone in. Other times, we don’t know ourselves well enough to see who would be or wouldn’t be a good match. All of these things create imbalanced relationships that make it hard to find real love and for love to blossom.

I do believe that real love is a strong and powerful emotion and when you have it on your side, it changes your life. But you have to make sure there is also respect, similar core values and communication. Otherwise, you are wasting your time.

Just remember, if you need someone in your corner, that is where the College Candy Dating Makeover comes in.

You know that scene in Get Him To The Greek when Aaron’s girlfriend says something to the effect of, “Omg I can’t wait to watch like 100 hours of Gossip Girl”? I laughed hysterically (It’s funny cuz it’s true!). David did not (for the same reason).

I don’t know about you guys, but when I get home after a long day of interning, working, and gymming, all I want to do is eat dinner and zone out to one of the thousands of Real Housewives or Say Yes to the Dress episodes I have DVR’ed. Unfortunately, my live-in boyfriend isn’t on the same page. Especially now that it’s baseball season.

Without our usual primetime lineup to veg out to (If you’re an avid CC reader you’ll know about my unerring obsession with Comedy Night Done Right), the pickings have been slim for couple-friendly shows.

Until Now. Enter this summer’s surefire couple-pleasing shows. Read on, DVR and get some popcorn ready.

Last Comic Standing: David and I love this show because it’s (obviously) hilarious. But we love this show even more because Craig Robinson is the host. He’s charmingly side-splitting, and I personally think he’s kinda sexy. Disturbingly enough, David agrees. Anyways, the comedians are either really funny or funny because they don’t know how bad they are. And in either instance, the celebrity judges Greg Giraldo, Natasha Leggero (Chelsea Lately!) and Andy Kindler will crack you up. I’m soo happy this show is back, because girl or guy, who doesn’t love to laugh?

Lie to Me: The eccentric Dr. Lightman is back! This show is 65% Criminal Minds + 20% House + 15% Castle…and the main character is British. Besides the fact that after watching you’ll enjoy talking to each other with distinctive accents for the remainder of the evening (and you’ll say things like “the remainder of the evening”), Dr. Lightman (Cal Roth) is seriously badass. Basically he and his team of uber-psychologists read body language to catch bad guys. Realistic? No. Awesome? Yes.

TrueBlood: The Vampire craze goes coed with Eric, Bill and Sookeh. This weekly drama is a satiating hour long (but the end still comes way too soon every Sunday). It’s got blood and guts galore for him, along with seriously sick fight scenes. For the ladies, it’s got twisted, passionate love stories, Southern gentlemen vampires from a century or two ago, and Alexander Skarsgard. The sex scenes will spark both of your imaginations, and strong, sexy and feisty Sookie is a heroine guys and girls can root for. Plus, HBO has to put all of their parental control warnings (SDVM) on every episode, so you know it’s gonna be good.

Top Chef: There are 3 reasons why Top Chef just might be the ultimate couples’ show. 1. Incredible Food 2. Crazy characters 3. Padma and Tom (I don’t know what it is about that shiny bald head but Colicchio is one smooth, badass mofo). Every season David and I get seriously pumped for Top Chef…like we countdown the announcement of where the new season will be held and set the DVR to record the next episode a week in advance. It’s so much fun to pick our favorites – and we’ve gotten pretty good at it! I picked Angelo, he picked Kenny, and after you watch this season, you’ll know why. It’s a great way to have fun competition with your guy while expanding your vocabulary (seriously, now I know what brunois means). Plus, you can borrow their challenge ideas for a sweet date night. David has accepted my challenge to a cook off, and trust me, once we’re done with Top Chef South Florida, I’ll tell you lovely readers all about it!

There are so many shows about to premiere this summer that I know David and I will be able to agree on (Hello Entourage, Wipeout and Mad Men). How about you guys? What will you and your boyfriends be watching this summer?

We are NOT these people!

A few weeks ago, one of mine and Matt’sclose friends moved out of town to go live back home. And we’ve recently found out that she’s been coming back to town on weekends without telling us. We were worried for a bit, wondering if she was mad at us and what we could have done to cause it. Well, our worst fears were confirmed. Her best friend told us that she doesn’t tell us when she’s coming back to Austin because we’ve become THAT couple.

You know who that couple is. The two people that none of their friends want to hang out with; the ones that everyone assumes are different and don’t want to do fun things anymore. They’re the couple that has been tagged old and boring. Basically, if you’re THAT couple, your friends see you as mom and dad.

To this girl, we’re the lame old people who would rather bake cookies and play Scrabble than hang out with our friends.

And that both shocks and offends me.

I am not boring, nor am I a fuddy-duddy! Yeah, I am in bed by midnight and I bake casseroles for dinner, but I also go to parties on weekends and still dream of going to Hollywood when I graduate. I may have an almost 3-year-old relationship, but I am still a 21-year-old female and, dang it, I still act like one!

We had THAT couple at my high school. They’d dated since freshman year and, big surprise, they’re engaged now. These two were essentially playing house all through high school. They actually went antiquing senior year! They were horrible to be around because the girl would always try to give everyone motherly advice, and the guy was whipped. And now my “friends” think Matt and I are just like them? It’s appalling and infuriating.

While I know this is a bit of a big fuss over one person’s opinion, part of me sees it as a big thing. I want to be the best girlfriend I can be, but I also want to be the best friend I can be. And I thought I was doing it all well. Now that I think about it (read: now that I’ve been forced to think about it) I realize my balancing act between my friends and my boyfriend has been a bit out of whack lately, but that’s because with school and all, Matt was feeling a bit neglected. Just because I devote time to my boyfriend doesn’t give my friends the right to call me boring and no fun behind my back.

But I have to get over it. I may have been too busy to be “fun” lately, but I know deep down that I have my priorities in order. If this friend doesn’t agree, well, she can go out and party with other people; she probably wasn’t that great a friend to begin with.  If she were, she’d know that Matt and I are not THAT couple.

Last week, my boyfriend and I found this group of guys who boffer (it’s basically sword fighting role play) so that he could do a documentary about them. I went with because I was bored and figured I could help Matt out. I was expecting a group of stereotypical Dungeons and Dragons nerds; aka fat white boys who have no social lives. Well, we show up and there were, dare I say, really hot guys there!

Since I was just there to be Matt’s assistant, I sat on the porch while he filmed the guys doing their thing. I was just watching until one of the gents came over to the porch to get something. He noticed me just sitting there and kept trying to get me to join them. I kept telling him I’d have no idea what I’d be doing and I’d make a fool of myself, but he kept trying to get me to play along with them. He even offered to let me use the good weapons. (Ooo lala!) There was just no way that I was going to try to sword fight with these guys, so I stayed on the porch. Later this guy decided to keep tapping me on the shoulder from behind with his sword (his actual foam sword for those of you with dirty minds) and would pretend to be minding his own business when I turned around.

I’ve never been one to garner a lot of attention from men, so I naturally was very awkward around this guy. I thought he was just trying to be friendly, but in the car on the way home, Matt informed me that that guy was hitting on me. I was MORTIFIED! It was bad enough that I’m totally oblivious to the fact that I couldn’t tell when a guy was hitting on me, but the fact that my boyfriend had to tell me was the cherry on top. If I would’ve known that he was trying to flirt I would’ve naturally told the guy to back off because I’m taken!

I really didn’t think I’d have to announce to this group of total strangers that I was Matt’s girlfriend. I was fairly certain that the way we act around people, and the fact we showed up together, would signal to all the guys there that I was off the market. Apparently some guys are just too dense to pick up on social cues. All I can think of now is, “What if this happens again?”

What’s a girl to do? Do I flat out reject him to his face and not worry about being rude? Do I be nice and let him down gently hoping my boyfriend doesn’t take it the wrong way?  Do I say nothing at all, let it happen and, in the process, lead him on? It seems like there’s really no “right” way to handle this situation. Either I’m a presumptuous witch who assumes all guys are trying to hit on me, I’m a flirt who loves attention and leads guys on, or I’m somehow cheating on my boyfriend.

I guess for now I’ll just try to make it more obvious to people that I’m taken, but I’m not even sure that’s the right way to go; no one wants to see a kissy/lovey couple getting all PDA in front of them. So what’s a coupled girl to do?

Anyone got any ideas?

So I don’t know if you’ve heard, but Valentine’s Day is coming up.

Yes, as we gratefully leave the frigid cold of January behind, we embrace the month of love…which, since becoming a single, leaves a frigid cold place in my heart. And as V-day creeps closer and closer with each passing day, I dread it more and more.

Everywhere I go I am reminded of my impending doom. Walking to class, I pass what seems like hundreds of fliers reminding me to get tickets to the Valentine’s Day gala, to buy my sweetie a singing telegram, and to send roses to that special someone… And if knowing that I have no one to take to the gala/listen to my singing telegram/accept some beautiful roses didn’t make me feel crappy enough, all of the profits from these promotions are going to Haiti. Great. So now I’m a bad person for not being part of a couple and not helping people in need.

Can someone pass me some brownie batter?!

I have no idea where this irrational fear of V-day came from. It was never a holiday that I got all excited for, but I enjoyed it as much as the next person. If nothing else, I always love me some chocolate!

And then I realized, while I was lying in bed tuning out my hall mates gushing about their Valentine’s Day plans, that this was the first Valentine’s Day since middle school that I have not had a boyfriend. That’s some heavy stuff to digest, and now I finally understand why my single girlfriends would get so moody come February.

When I had a boy, it was never that big of a deal – we’d always do something low key and fun. One year we went out to sushi, another year he took me to a hockey game, another I was sick and he came over with flowers and made me soup. It’s not like we went all out to celebrate February 14^th; we saved that more for our anniversaries. The important thing was that we got to celebrate it together.

Now I’m not part of a we anymore. It’s just me and I am not sure how I feel about that. Until now I’ve been really comfortable with just me, but now I understand how Valentine’s Day can make even the most rational single girl go a little crazy. And pack on a little weight.

But while I may not have a boyfriend, it is moments like this that make me even more grateful for my wonderful girlfriends. We’ve got some big plans for Valentine’s Day that do not involve crying or feeling sorry for ourselves. In fact, our evening can be described perfectly in a Text From Last Night…

(502):
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine’s day plans

I can’t wait.