I’m sick of them, so sick that if I see something about them on E! News or in a magazine I have to turn it off or stop reading. And then punch something and question the heavens above as to why they exist.

That’s not okay with me. So join me in my quest to rid the world of these offending celebs:

5. Tom Cruise- We loved you in Top Gun, Rain Man, and Mission Impossible, but the whole Scientology/keep Katie Holmes captive thing is down right annoying. There are not little aliens inside of you. You also happen to be a hypocrite: you criticized Brooke Shields for using antidepressants to take care of depression, an illness, and yet most recently were quoted saying, “They say, ‘Get your physical, get your medication, get your physical illnesses handled.’” Which is it Tom? Get your medication or don’t? You confuse me. And Valkyrie sucked. Go back to Xenu.

4. Jessica Simpson- Personally, I love your music, but you’ve become a fallen star. We don’t want to see you sticking your tongue down Tony Romo’s throat or licking cake off of his face. We don’t want to see your attempts to get more attention than your sister, who looks fab post-pregnancy, by the way. She’s overshadowed you, Jess, and good for her because she lived in yours for too long. Either get in the studio or stay out of the limelight.

3. Amy Winehouse- I’m sick of seeing emaciated, cracked out pictures of you. You have had a beautiful voice once upon a time, but the only thing we hear from you now is the sound of whiskey being poured down your troat. Your skeezy husband is just as crazy as you, and we don’t want to hear about him either. You have a problem. Please go to rehab (yes yes yes) and then make a comeback. Just look at Britney – she did it and now she’s hotter than ever.

2. Madonna- I never liked Madge, but I especially don’t like her this year. She cheated on her husband, who I’ve heard is a very nice man, with A-Rod of all people. Now she’s whoring herself out to a male model named Jesus. Not only am I sick of Madonna, but I’m actually afraid of her, too. Have you seen the veins sticking out of her arms? I think everyone can do without that in 2009.

1. Miley Cyrus- Possibly the most annoying “celebrity” of this day and age. The only reason she’s famous is because Billy Ray got her a TV show on the Disney Channel. She can’t act, and she can’t sing either (it’s a shame her songs are so catchy). And maybe her teeth can use a little work. I’m sick of seeing her face on every backpack and tshirt in the mall, and especially sick of seeing pictures of her pulling up her shirt and showing us her training bra. She’s fifteen. And I’ve already had enough.

So can we blame her when her love for the bottle and her passion for high fashion collide….in the form of vomit splattered all over some super couture dresses…which she returned…without cleaning them?

Um. Ew.

And, yes. Yes we can.

I’ve been there. Too many times. Like the time my friend borrowed a pair of boots, got drunk and peed behind a dumpster…drowning my boots in urine. Or when I went to use my Chi and found chunks of vomit from a roommate’s particularly bad evening. (“Seriously, I couldn’t even get to the toilet. It was totally projectile!”) Or that time I loaned out my favorite t-shirt only to have it returned with some…er…male secretion splattered all over the front.

The point is this: we don’t care what you do in our clothes, just clean that sh*t up. Especially for Harvey Nichols.

Although, on the bright side, at least it was just vomit. Who knows what this girl is capable of?!

But isn’t there a more convenient alternative to carry in your purse or backpack for easy access during less-than-stimulating class? Mornings are hectic as it is – picking out a cute and semi-clean outfit, making sure you grab the right books, and checking the mirror for any potential embarrassments – who has time to grab a coffee?

Luckily, a few capitalistic masterminds have exploited our caffeine addiction. No, I’m not talking about those fools over at Starbucks; that’s old news. Enter the world of caffeinated munchies. Red Bulls and Power Bars have nothing on these chemically-enhanced, caffeine-infused snacks.

We’ve all seen the caffeine gums, but, Dorothy, we’re not in Kansas anymore.

Today’s caffeine fiends can choose from lollipops, chocolates, cookies, jellybeans and more. Here’s a rundown of the best indulgences to get you wired without suffering the evil burnt tongue:

BuzzStrong’s Coffee Cookies

Guaranteed to satisfy your inner-cookie monster, these babies are made with Brazilian coffee, Tahitian vanilla, and Swiss dark and white chocolate chips. All natural and carrying 70 calories per cookie, four cookies are equivalent to a one-cup coffee buzz. A 7 0unce, 12-cookie box will only cost you $4.99, which is the eqivalent to a single Starbucks run.

Crackheads

A far better alternative to inviting in the local crackhead off the street (these guys smell better and provide a much better buzz), Crackheads are a great caffeinated snack. White and dark chocolate covered espresso beans? Yum! Each 1.3-ounce box has around 30 beans, for a grand total of 120 mg of caffeine. That will get you through that 8am lecture, fo sho.

Sport Beans

Boasting yummy flavors like lemon-lime, cherry, orange, berry blue, watermelon and fruit punch, these caffeine-free beans packs 25 grams of carbohydrates as well as electrolytes and vitamins B and C. If you truly want to step it up, a second line of “Extreme” Sports Beans carry 50 mg of caffeine a pack. For about a dollar a bag and 100 calories, these small one-ounce bags pack a powerful punch, which far outweighs the chemically after-taste.

Buzz Bites Chocolate Energy Chews

Satisfy your chocolate craving and grab an energy boost to boot. Each chocolate contains about the same amount of caffeine as a cup of coffee (100 mg!). At $3.99 for an eight-piece tin, this is the clear choice of self-confessed choco/caffeine-aholics.

Jolt Energy Gum

A spin off of Jolt Cola, you can choose between spearmint and peppermint. Toss two pieces in your mouth to feel the equivalent of an energy drink. This also happens to be super cheap ($2.49 for a 12 pack) and you’ll be able to find it in almost any convenience store.

Night Light Caffeinated Chai Mints

Not for caffeine junkies, but a good choice for those seeking a slight bump during midterms…or after a particularly long weekend. Caffeinated chai mints are only lightly caffeinated (1.5 mg per mint) and promise to ‘add a slight hint of alertness to your chai induced peace.’ Bonus: These mints come in super-cute brushed metal tins with the option to go online and design your own!

Javapops

Lollipops aren’t just for the little tykes anymore! These adult-only pops come in 5 java-brew flavors: French Vanilla, Chocolate Almond, Irish Crème, Cappuccino, and Chocolate Raspberry. A pack of ten oversized lolli’s (with 60 mg of caffeine in each one) will set you back $9.99.

Penguin Caffeinated Peppermints


Three of these bad boys are the equivalent to a high sugar, high calorie Coke. Allegedly ‘the original caffeinated mint’, they’re sugar free and their caffeine infused offerings include peppermint, cinnamon and chocolate. For an all-natural buzz, try the Kola or Citrus varieties, both with guarana and ginseng. A $2.99 tin contains 25 mints.

Engobi Cinnamon Surge Energy Go Bites


Love Taco Bell Cinnamon Twists? Wish they would wake you up (instead of making you feel like a fattie)? Your prayers have been answered. These cinnamon sugar puffs contain 140 mg of caffeine in a pack and their taste alone blows the other caffeinated cravings out of the water. Well, that and the promise on the package: “To get wired. I mean really wired.”

This past weekend at a celebrity memorabilia auction in Las Vegas, Larry Birkhead, opportunistic baby daddy extraordinaire, purchased some drawers once worn by the late hot mess Anna Nicole Smith in a Playboy spread.

Birkhead spent a reported $2800 on a pink bustier and white negligee with the intention of someday giving the items to he and Smith’s year-old daughter, Dannielynn. According to one report, Birkhead said he bought the items in the hope that they will someday help Dannielynn understand her mother’s life and that this was definitely NOT a stunt to ensure his F-List ass stays in the papers. For realzies, guys. Make sure you get my good side.

That poor, poor, poor, poor kid. First her mother and brother die, then she’s in the middle of the most sleazeball custody battle of the 21st century, now she’s gifted a piece of her mom’s history as a trashy soft-core porn star? If Dannielynn makes it to the age of fourteen without getting knocked up or becoming a crackhead, she deserves a Nobel Prize.

[Photo courtesy of OK! Magazine]