My first kiss
I was 19. I was at a party with a whole bunch of lesbians and one straight guy. After a few drinks, he found me appealing enough to kiss, and well, it was late enough in the evening that he had started looking like Justin Timberlake to me, so we started kissing. By this point, the party had wound down and we were the only ones still in the living room. In the process of making out, my dress and bra came off, and my first kiss went from G to PG-13/R with a quickness. After it was over, I was emotionally perturbed and anxious about the not-so-romantic way in which everything had occurred, and things were compounded the next morning, when I found out that we were in fact not alone in the living room…and that the witness to my shenanigans? Was a 15 year old boy (someone’s little brother had tagged along…so appropriate). While I’m certainly somewhat of an exhibitionist now, I certainly wasn’t back then, and I still get queasy about the fact that a strange child was 10 feet away at the very beginning of my deflowering process.

My first FWB.
He was a decade older than me. He was an ex-coworker’s ex boyfriend, which was kind of sticky in and of itself. And, I found out later, he was dating other people the entire time we were hooking up. Um, I’d like to at least actively consent to being the side ho, thank you very much.

That time I sobbed during sex.
This was less than a year ago. I was visiting my family for a week for Thanksgiving, which was stressful in and of itself. And I was majorly bummed about being separated from my boo (trust me, I felt sufficiently embarrassed/ashamed/pathetic). So we were having goodbye nookie, and I couldn’t hold it together and started bawling. One of those extremely ugly, but super cathartic cries. While he was still inside me. I feel like I’m often teetering on the brink of sanity, but that moment…I was feeling very girl, interrupted.

That summer I had an online fling with a dude from Craigslist.
I had moved to Washington, D.C. for a summer internship. It was towards the end of the summer and all of my friends were gone, and I was extremely lonely. Naturally, I turned to Craigslist, and really did had every intention of keeping things platonic with anyone I chatted with (my naivete is absolutely stunning at times, I swear). This guy emailed me, and he seemed totally normal at first…until he started talking about erotic asphyxiation. Yes, he got aroused by the thought of being choked and choking women. I was morbidly intrigued, and for several weeks, we sexted. Luckily, I always rebuffed his invitations to meet in real life, and I’m comforted by the fact that I never told him my last name, but I admit, I was a hot, vulnerable mess for awhile and that really could have gotten me into trouble.

Am I going to regret not writing this anonymously? It’s very possible. But I’m a huge proponent of talking about sex comprehensively – the good stuff, the bad, the scary, the erotic, the complicated…and the humiliating.

While I haven’t seen this…creation…in person (I know, can’t win ‘em all), I’m kinda dying to get my hands on one. Set this baby up in the quad and — bam! — best prank ever. Wait, what’s that? You don’t think it would be? You think this whole “yard art” thing is just weird and mildly uncomfortable to look at and kinda makes your throat constrict in the back like you might vom, too?

Nope. I don’t believe you. The puking man water sprinkler is the best piece of gardening frippery any child will ever have the opportunity to be horrified by. It even says right in the ad- your kids are going to love running through the “barf” on hot days! Guys, I really think we can redefine some classic summer memories with this one. Thoughts?

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Best of Craigslist

With a full week in California under my belt, I’ve officially moved in. This move-in was a lot different than any dorm room move-in I’ve done throughout college. Instead of signing for my dorm key, I signed a lease. A real “I’m an adult, I must abide by this contract or I’m legally responsible” lease. In fact, everything I’ve done this past week had a stamp of “Adult” on it, making post-grad a lot different than any undergrad experience.

So, now that I traded my student checking for an everyday bank account, I think it’s time to put some money in there. Maybe it’s my drive to be successful, even when my life is in limbo, or all the California wealth around me, but I have been looking for some kind of job to occupy my time. However, job hunting is a full time job, and it seems like the job market has turned its back on us post-grads.

Nearly every job listing requires three to five years of experience. Uh … I’ve been in college classrooms for the last four years, does that count? It’s kind of scary to think that I spent all this time getting my B.A. degree, only to be told that I need experience to match my degree – full time experience. It seems like entry level positions, which used to require a degree and interest (not a few years of experience), don’t exist anymore. I want to use my skills, so I can build up experience – but I can’t gain experience when I can’t get hired. Some listings I’ve seen even say that if resume don’t show three to five years of job experience in the field, they will be tossed. Yikes!

Like a lot of college students, I have equated experience as being something I’ve gained during my internships. I was told over and over again “internships offer invaluable experiences” and that they were necessary to obtaining any post-grad jobs. It sure doesn’t seem like it now. I’ve had some great internships – but those aren’t going to count as prior experience in any field, and while I think they say “Hey look at what I’ve done and where I was hired as an intern at,” they aren’t offering much of anything else.

While looking for jobs, I have also been on the prowl for internships. When applying to law school in the fall, I feel like it’s really important to have an internship experience during my time off to show that I’m dedicated to hands-on learning. However, the outlook on the internship search is not so good. Maybe it’s just California, but every single internship listing requires that the intern must get “college credit.” Now that I’m not enrolled in school, it seems like all these opportunities are closed off to me. I don’t want monetary compensation for an internship and I don’t need college credit – I just want to learn.

I haven’t given up on the job and internship search yet. In fact, all the little detours that have come my way so far have encouraged me to keep looking for the job that will offer me what I want. If anything, college taught me to be determined in everything I do (whether it’s finishing off a bottle of wine or getting the internship that I want).

And hey, it’s not completely bleak…I have an interview for a part-time babysitting position today – and the mom is taking me out for frozen yogurt with her kids. Free frozen yogurt and a possible reoccurring babysitting job that won’t tax my cash money? At least it’s a place to start!

I have a dirty, sick, twisted infatuation with Craigslist personals. I am someone who has an innate curiosity regarding all things taboo, and really, is there anything more shameful than searching for love and sexy time on one of the slummiest websites the great Interwebs has to offer?

My affair with Craigslist started fairly innocuously – laughing and mocking the lameness that is inherent once you forget about being yourself and present the sanitized, most palatable version of who you are. Then I ventured into the infamous “casual encounters” section and was immediately assaulted with the most vulgar pleas for sexy time with strangers. “Who actually responds to these?” I wondered. Naturally, the only way to find out was to post my own ad. And thus began a new adventure.

I am currently in Washington DC, home of thousands upon thousands of very important people who are doing their part to sustain and shape American democracy. They are lawyers, congressional staffers, consultants, and defense contractors. They work long hours and are well-versed in all things related to current events. They are less hot/funny Jon Stewarts, their entire public existences completely, intrinsically linked to All Things Political.

And they are kinky. Oh boy, are they kinky.

After posting my first ad, I received at least 50 responses in 12 hours. And they all violated me in ways I hadn’t experienced since 2 Girls, 1 Cup. From that moment, I knew I had a new way to occupy my time…and my inbox.

I recently posted an ad that was actually rather refined….and inspired by Ms. Britney Spears. It merely said, “I find myself flirting with the verge of obscene. Tell me what that means and we can make it happen.” I was expecting the usual, “let’s have a threesome/let’s do it in public/let’s roll around in chocolate and whipped cream and then lick it off each other”…you know, the usual.
I definitely wasn’t prepared for…

“cute, normal guy here…want you to pee in my mouth.”
IN. HIS. MOUTH. Not even on, but in! He sent me a penis picture, which is kind of beyond my realm of comprehension. Why would he expect someone to respect him enough to engage in penetration after he requested urine in his mouth.

“How about pissing all over you after f*cking you with my middle-aged [BEEP]? You host.”
Number 1 – he looks like Kevin Richardson rode hard and put away wet. Number 2 – Middle aged but unable to host? He is obviously very married. And/or lives in his parents’ basement which doesn’t even have its own entrance.

“Let’s play around with our pee and sh*t while we f**k, suck, and lick. Sh*t would be soooo obscene”
He kind of looks like that guy in elementary school who ate glue and always had an aura of pee lingering around him. Also, yes, ish would be obscene…obscenely unsanitary and potentially life-threatening. I’ve heard of flirting with necrophilia, but you are not the love of my life; consequently, I am not willing to risk my life to have a night with you.

Stepping into the slums of Craigslist is an educational experience in its own right…I mean, who doesn’t want to be enlightened as to how many different ways guys can gross you out sexually?

College students are strapped for cash on a normal, average day of the year. Which means we are doubly strapped for cash when the need to buy Christmas and Chanukah gifts arises. Winter activities like ice skating and hot chocolate (or just our usual shopping/handles-of-vodka ways) are sucking up our funds and now we need to buy 30 gifts for every member of our sorority…it’s not pretty.

But what some of you may not realize is that instead of working overtime 3 weeks straight to save up enough to get your parents, your boyfriends and all your bff’s something nice, you could just sell your old stuff that you never use and make enough to do all your holiday shopping and maybe pick up a pair of those awesome boots you’ve been eying in the Macy’s catalog…

Sell Your Clothes
We all have those sweaters that we leave in the box in the basement marked “winter,” swearing year after year that we’ll wear it next time the season rolls around. I know it’s hard to get rid of clothing (especially seeing how everything comes back in style in, like, 2 years), but if you haven’t worn it in the past year, it needs to go. And there are plenty of people willing to buy it from you. Google local consignment shops and bring in all your stuff. They won’t take everything, but if you have clothes that look like new with a recognizable label, your chances are pretty good. And earning 20 bucks a pair for that stack of jeans that you’ve been trying to fit back into since senior year of high school really adds up.

Sell Your Books
Instead of selling your books back to the bookstore and walking away with pocket change, put them on Amazon. You’ll make back at least 50% of what you paid for them and you can get rid of them all (unlike the bookstore where you lug all 10 textbooks to that joint and they tell you only 2 of them are eligible to be sold back). Plus, Amazon only charges you when your book sells, so if it doesn’t, it’s no change out of your wallet. And since everyone has registered for their next semester classes, the overachievers among us will already be online looking to secure all their books before winter break.

Sell Your Gold
We’ve all seen the commercials with some creepy dude begging us to put our “unwanted gold” in an envelope and send it away to some stranger. Yeah, it seems like a total scam but that ish is legit. The price of gold has gone up, so now is the best time to gather up those ugly bracelets you got for your Bat Mitzvah, Sweet 16, or you just “borrowed” from your mom in high school and never returned and sell them! If you don’t trust the mail-away places, there are plenty of local jewelry stores that will buy your gold back. I sold 2 old bracelets (that were way ugly and just took up space in my jewelry box) and walked away with $300! That’s enough for a bunch of gifts and a little somethin’ for myself!

Sell Your Miscellaneous Crap
Ebay and Craigslist are the best things to ever happen to a hoarder. I have 200 beanie babies, 30 of those pointless glass figurines, and dozens of collector’s edition Barbies still in the boxes. Let’s be honest: our kids aren’t going to want our old beanie babies someday when they can get a Webkins complete with an online profile (and, despite how much we hoped they would accumulate worth over the past 10 years, Beanies are no collector’s item). It’s time to log on and sell those suckers.

Making a seller profile on Ebay is super easy and cheap (postings cost less than dollar) and listing on CL is even easier! Those old speakers you never use, the plastic storage bins your mom had delivered for your dorm room, jewelry that’s been sitting in a bin on your desk…. you might think no one will want your old crap, but you’d be surprised. Your trash is someone else’s treasure; someone who is up late on a Wednesday night surfing Craigslist for the exact limited edition Garcia Bear you’re hawking. Get that stuff listed and you’ll have extra money in your wallet….FAST.

Do you guys have any other suggestions for ways to make some fast cash?

By just being a tad more conscious of your recycling options, you can make a huge difference with relatively minimal effort.  Here are some common products that you can recycle right in your home town!

Batteries – These babies are full of heavy metals and toxins that are of special concern to soil and water contamination, so be sure to recycle them!  Keep a box in your room so once those batteries from your remote control (or any other battery powered “appliances”…) burn out you can send them in to be recycled.  Batteryrecycling.com has a good program where you can send in pretty much any commercial battery for recycling, or you can check out any local recycling centers in your area to see if they offer this service.

Laptops – I don’t know about you, but I have definitely made my way through computers.  My most recent, Doris, has a cracked screen and a dead battery.  Who in their right mind would want to take her off my hands?  Gazelle.com, that’s who.  They offer laptop recycling services and even offer payment for some laptop models!  If poor little Doris can have a $30 value, just imagine what your old laptop can fetch!

Clothes – As college girls, I’m sure we’ve all become familiar with the beauty that is Goodwill.  There is no better excuse for buying new clothes than donating the old ones to a good cause.  But what about those that are just too threadbare to donate?  Surprisingly, you can donate them anyways!   Goodwill and the Salvation Army send out these clothes to “rag sorters” which recycle the fabrics themselves.  Another good option for running shoes in particular is Recycled Runners, a company specializing in recycling and donation of running shoes.  Hit up their website for donation info and sights in your area.

Glasses – Although we hate to admit it, most of us sport a pair of spectacles now and again.  Now I’m sure you look fabbb in your Polo readers, but what about those fug pink wire ones in hidden your closet from 6^th grade?  Believe it or not, thousands of people are without glasses when they really need them.  Donate them via New Eyes for the Needy or drop them off at your local LensCrafters to ensure that they are handed off to somebody who really needs them.

Medications – Even if your new birth control meds make you bitchy, never ever flush them down the toilet!  Pharmaceuticals can seep into our water supply, polluting local bodies of water and even our own drinking water!  Instead, find a local pharmacy with a “take back” program for any over-the-counter drugs, personal care products, and prescription drugs and spare the fishies your terrible PMS symptoms (joking!).

Anything else – If you can’t find a good place for it, just donate it or, better yet, put it on Craigslist!  Craigslist perfectly embodies the phrase “one man’s trash is another man’s treasure”; no matter what you have you are bound to find someone else that has been dying to find it.  What’s more, they’ll even come pick up your junk and might even pay you for it!  I really can’t think of a lazier way to make money while exercising your eco-friendly side.

Even if your junk isn’t on this list, it can probably be recycled!  Check Earth911.com before you throw anything away – it’s a great resource for recycling info! It even has a search tool so that you can find a local drop-off site for all of your unwanted junk.  Happy recycling!!

I thought I was IKEA’s biggest fan. Everything I own in my apartment is from that place. But this woman would definitely beat me for president of the IKEA Fan Club.

She may not be amazing, but she knows what she likes. And it can be put together in 12 easy steps.

What if I had gone to another college? What if I had majored in psychology? What if I’m one of those people who don’t know they’re pregnant until they go into labor at nine months and discover their baby has 13 fingers and tentacles because their mother took a shot every time she asked herself what if?

What if I had taken a different internship last summer, seduced the boss, and then been able to blackmail him into getting me a job. What if the love of my life lives in the past and we spend the rest of our lives communicating only through a mailbox at a lake house (do they have to play that movie every single weekend??). What if I end up getting hired at my dream job and realize that I hate it?

What if my friends/family have been lying for the past 22 years about me being tone deaf because they knew if I really knew how good my voice was I would be the greatest singer this world has ever seen and I would never speak to them again except through the press? What if I never get a job in New York and I have to move home and face all my former high school acquaintances and explain why I’m living in the place I swore I would never live?

What if I’m not good at the job that I just spend the last four years preparing for? What if my parents had considered my future plans and goals and had become professionals in the television industry and hooked me up with a job right now? What if I didn’t have to be worried every time I answered a job on Craigslist and was told my headshot and bra size was need for further job consideration?

What if I could just be one of those people who could just chill and go with the flow and not spend their nights composing long lists of unanswerable what if’s?