For the past few weeks I have been freaking out about the fact that I might be pregnant. My period has always been irregular and I go months without it quite often, but for some reason I couldn’t shake the idea that I might soon be sharing my apartment with a 6th roommate….and binkies and bottles.

I knew deep down that there was no possible way there was a baby in by belly (I use multiple forms of birth control), but whenever I would feel a pain in my stomach, or have the urge to dip things in frosting, I let my paranoia get the best of me. I would go to CVS to buy a pregnancy test, but every time I walked into the store I would freak out at the prospect of a little blue plus sign showing up and walk out empty handed.

It just seemed easier not to know for sure and let the irrational thoughts pass. Read More »

You always were one to wait for the last minute. Like that paper that was still warm from the printer as you turned it in to your professor. Or that time you forgot underwear for Spring Break because you packed that morning. (Good thing people don’t wear much underwear on Spring Break….)

And now it’s the same story with those dreaded Christmas presents for mom, dad and brother Jimmy. Christmas dinner is, like, 5 minutes away and you have nothing to bring (except that bottle of Jack you snuck into your purse). It’s way to late to run to the mall and get something, and even the neighborhood CVS is empty of all those crappy gifts you wondered why they had in the first place.

What the hell are you going to do? We came up with some fabulous last-minute gift ideas that are sure to please…and could never be re-gifted.

1. Coupon Book: Grab some paper and markers and start writing. Your parents loved these things when you were a kid, and there is no way mom wouldn’t appreciate some help with the laundry now. Offer her one week of free laundry, a few days of taking out the garbage, some trips to the grocery store, and maybe even a month of not calling and asking for more money.

2. Mix CD: You obvi brought your laptop home (there is no way you are sharing the family computer for a whole freaking month), so hop on there and make some CDs for everyone. Does dad love classic rock? Pull together his favorite jams onto a CD. He will love it (especially since most dads can’t figure out how to do that stuff on their own). Read More »

It’s 4:30am. You just got home from the bar and all you want is food. In your belly. Right now.

Unfortunately, your favorite pizza/ burrito/ burger/ neighborhood CVS closed 30 minutes ago and you are left to fend for yourself. Right. Because you could barely get your key in the front door, let alone boil water for some mac and cheese. (Mmmmm mac and cheeeeeese.)

Even a frozen pizza is much too difficult to figure out right now. Turn on an oven? To 350? Then wait 30 minutes? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!

Lucky for you, the food industry has been busy creating products for people on the go, which also happen to work quite well for people who are too-drunk-to-function. Yes, that would be you. Just stock up on any and all of these little guys and you are good to go when the Beer Pong tourny is over and you can’t remember your name (or how you made it home with one shoe and a missing bra…): Read More »

I spent twenty five minutes in the greeting card aisle of CVS last night. I literally picked up and restocked every single card in the entire store before leaving in a frustrated huff with a card that was far from appropriate for the situation at hand.

It is not that the folks over at CVS don’t have a wide enough selection of cards – they have like 10,000! – it is just that there are some occasions that just don’t quite fit into the limited card categories that exist. Sometimes people may want to buy a card for something a little more specific than a generic birthday/thanks/anniversary/holiday/sympathy/etc/ card.

You know; like when you want to thank your guy for respecting you. Or a good friend for being there when you need her most. Or for a situation when you just can’t seem to find the right words. Read More »