For the past few weeks I have been freaking out about the fact that I might be pregnant. My period has always been irregular and I go months without it quite often, but for some reason I couldn’t shake the idea that I might soon be sharing my apartment with a 6th roommate….and binkies and bottles.

I knew deep down that there was no possible way there was a baby in by belly (I use multiple forms of birth control), but whenever I would feel a pain in my stomach, or have the urge to dip things in frosting, I let my paranoia get the best of me. I would go to CVS to buy a pregnancy test, but every time I walked into the store I would freak out at the prospect of a little blue plus sign showing up and walk out empty handed.

It just seemed easier not to know for sure and let the irrational thoughts pass.

Until I had yet another odd stomachache. Sure, it could have been caused by the large amount of candy I ate for dinner, but I finally mustered up the courage to find out the truth.

I waited until 10pm – I thought the store would be less crowded…and I wanted to watch my shows – and talked to myself the entire way there. “You can do this. You will be fine. You are not preggers. You just ate too much candy corn.” Nothing helped.

I picked up a Diet Coke and chugged it as I scoured the aisles for the pregnancy tests. The artificial sweetness calmed my frazzled nerves, and the 20 ounces of liquid prepared my bladder for the big task. I finally found them… right next to the “Female Cleansers.” I prayed not to run into anyone I knew; I didn’t want people to think I needed to buy douche!

But that was the least of my problems – pregnancy tests are expensive! I was left with a decision: buy the name brand for $15, or the CVS brand for $8. Was this the right time to be bargain hunting? At the same time, though, I’m a poor college student! I spent 15 minutes comparing the boxes, which is a long time when you have 20 ounces of Diet Coke in your bladder and a potential bun in the oven.

I ultimately went the cheap route (what can I say? I’m frugal), and took my purchase to the front counter. And this is when things got really awkward. There was quite a long line for 10:30 pm at CVS. Luckily, I didn’t see anyone I knew, but I did notice the strange look the CVS employee gave me as he rang me up. Well, attempted to ring me up. Turns out the box I chose was damaged and he had to call for a price check. Yes, a price check. On the loud speaker. So everyone in line could hear.

“Price check on the CVS home pregnancy test!” Everyone stared at me. A stock boy came quickly with a new, undamaged box, but it was too late; everyone already knew that I was damaged goods with a damaged box.

Hands shaking, I whipped a $20 out of my bag, threw it on the counter, and ran out of the store before I could even get my change. So much for the bargain. I saw a few friends walking in as I ran by and thanked god they hadn’t been there 1 minute earlier. When I finally made it home, I didn’t have the opportunity to second guess the test; I almost peed my pants. I opened the box, unwrapped the little stick and got a nice fat minus sign.

Clearly, it was a giant relief, although I am still plagued with the task of finding a new CVS to shop at…

And now it’s the same story with those dreaded Christmas presents for mom, dad and brother Jimmy. Christmas dinner is, like, 5 minutes away and you have nothing to bring (except that bottle of Jack you snuck into your purse). It’s way to late to run to the mall and get something, and even the neighborhood CVS is empty of all those crappy gifts you wondered why they had in the first place.

What the hell are you going to do? We came up with some fabulous last-minute gift ideas that are sure to please…and could never be re-gifted.

1. Coupon Book: Grab some paper and markers and start writing. Your parents loved these things when you were a kid, and there is no way mom wouldn’t appreciate some help with the laundry now. Offer her one week of free laundry, a few days of taking out the garbage, some trips to the grocery store, and maybe even a month of not calling and asking for more money.

2. Mix CD: You obvi brought your laptop home (there is no way you are sharing the family computer for a whole freaking month), so hop on there and make some CDs for everyone. Does dad love classic rock? Pull together his favorite jams onto a CD. He will love it (especially since most dads can’t figure out how to do that stuff on their own).

3. Report Card: (Note: this gift assumes you did well this semester.) Did you get your grades back yet? Print that baby out, fashion some sort of frame and give that to the parents. There is no better gift than seeing how successful their daughter is…and knowing their money isn’t being totally wasted on getting wasted.

4. If all else fails, give them a hug…and head out to the stores on Friday to find something better.

Unfortunately, your favorite pizza/ burrito/ burger/ neighborhood CVS closed 30 minutes ago and you are left to fend for yourself. Right. Because you could barely get your key in the front door, let alone boil water for some mac and cheese. (Mmmmm mac and cheeeeeese.)

Even a frozen pizza is much too difficult to figure out right now. Turn on an oven? To 350? Then wait 30 minutes? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!

Lucky for you, the food industry has been busy creating products for people on the go, which also happen to work quite well for people who are too-drunk-to-function. Yes, that would be you. Just stock up on any and all of these little guys and you are good to go when the Beer Pong tourny is over and you can’t remember your name (or how you made it home with one shoe and a missing bra…):

Uncrustables:

Because making a peanut and butter jelly sandwich requires you to find bread, find peanut butter, find jelly, and then use a sharp object. Uncrustables simply requires you to open your freezer. Done and done. Peanut butter and jelly bliss.

Peanut Butter Slices:

If frozen PB&J isn’t your thang, maybe a slice of peanut butter is better. Easy to slap between two pieces of bread? Absolutely. Gross? Totally. Not quite as gross when you are drunk and just need something to soak up all that Jaeger? Yes please!

Mac and Cheese Crackers:

Back in my day we had to pour water into a bowl with noodles and microwave it for 2 minutes if we wanted some late night Mac and Cheese. Oh the horror! Not anymore, people. Now if you are craving a cheesy post-bar delicacy, all you need to do is open a box. These crackers taste just like the real thing without all that pesky work. No measuring. No cooking. No waiting.

Bagelfuls:

Just like its cousin, the PB&J sandwich, the bagel and cream cheese is just really hard to master after hours of deblitating debauchery. Ever tried to cut a bagel sober? Yeah, hard enough. Thank you, Kraft! You took the work right out of this so drunk kids everywhere could carb up without fear of losing any fingers.

Cereal and Milk Bars:

Because we all love a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch after the bar, but can’t quite get the milk into the bowl/not all over the floor. Thankfully, General Mills fixed that problem by putting milk and cereal together into one delicious late night bar.

Now if only we could get some pre-packaged Vodka Tonics.

I spent twenty five minutes in the greeting card aisle of CVS last night. I literally picked up and restocked every single card in the entire store before leaving in a frustrated huff with a card that was far from appropriate for the situation at hand.

It is not that the folks over at CVS don’t have a wide enough selection of cards – they have like 10,000! – it is just that there are some occasions that just don’t quite fit into the limited card categories that exist. Sometimes people may want to buy a card for something a little more specific than a generic birthday/thanks/anniversary/holiday/sympathy/etc/ card.

You know; like when you want to thank your guy for respecting you. Or a good friend for being there when you need her most. Or for a situation when you just can’t seem to find the right words.

When Hallmark can’t seem to get your point across clearly, someecards.com is the place to go. It is a one-stop shop for all your card-giving needs. And since it has so many fabulous and hilarious cards to look through, this site is also the perfect procrastination alternative to good ole Facebook.