HighJoy.com and Sinulator.com made it happen. These sites not only offer sex toys to peak your pleasure principle, they now make it possible to connect these toys to your computer so that with the touch of a button, you can control your partner’s sex toy o’choice and send them into pleasure heaven. And vice versa.

Sinulator.com offers a package of all the software necessary as well as the ever popular “rabbit” vibrator for a mere $139.95. Simply install the software, name your toy, and you are on your way!

HighJoy.com offers similar packages.

As if this isn’t awesome enough, the remote can not only connect to your computer, it can hook to your palm pilot.

This is a godsend for long-distance relationships…and really horny people.

The frustrating thing about the Today Show piece is that they were calling the segment ‘Cyber Cheating,’ and while, surely, Cook cheated, and indeed he didn’t just look at porn but also used (apparently, its hard to tell with all the ambiguous language) ‘sex’ sites, which we assume are swinger hubs, porn shouldn’t really be considered cheating. Granted, three grand worth of porn is divorce worthy, based on irresponsible money management and creepy factor alone, but looking at porn isn’t cheating. And if it is, every guy with a connection to the Internet is cheating. Half of them are cheating right now!

Is cybersex cheating? Arguable, but we can lean toward yes. Cybersex and ‘cyber-flirting,’ while physically harmless, reveal that you aren’t getting something from the relationship you’re in. You’re interacting with another person (probably a 40-year-old fat dude), and that’s where the difference lies. So, even if it’s not cheating, it’s low and you should just break up and find someone who can make you happy. Porn is (typically, unless your girlfriend is awesome) a solo thing, and it’s not really about wanting someone to talk to as it is about wanting to get your rocks off with speed and efficiency.

There aren’t many men over the age of 18 who watch porn and sigh woefully, wishing their significant others ‘could just be more like these women!‘ Admittedly, there are those ignorant sh*ts who want their girl to be a porn star in the sack and an angel everywhere else, but those guys are f*ckin’ retarded. Porn is a means to an end, and personally I don’t really understand why anyone would pay for (or collect) it at all. It’s free and it’s all over the goddamn internet.

What I want to know is HOW Peter Cook is spending that much on porn. I like porn as much as the next guy, but I can’t imagine a plausible scenario that involves a $3,000 MONTHLY bill. I mean, he can’t be looking at standard stuff, because $3,000 a month would just produce an astronomical amount of content. He’d need an entire team to sort and file…OH MAN!

When Peter Cook’s Head of Porn Management takes the stand, you all owe me $20.

I mean, I’ve heard of being afraid of intimacy before, but this guy takes it to a whole new level. This guy built a robot girlfriend.That’s right, a robot girlfriend. Dude was a 33-year-old virgin until he met (read: MADE) Alice, his robot girlfriend who includes a chatbox to talk through and a teledildonic device, which, I assure you, is exactly what it sounds like.

I’m sorry, but this is straight out of a Philip K. Dick novel. I find it really frightening that there are actual people who are so emotionally and sexually disfunctional that they need to build robots to have relationships with.

Yeah, it’s the relationship part that freaks me out. You wanna have sex with a hunk of metal, by all means, be my guest. It’s the idea of forming a loving relationship with an inanimate object that you have made to look and seem like a human woman that freaks me the frick out.

I just hope this guy doesn’t go on a killing rampage or something. I mean, to me, this goes beyond innocent virgin needs an outlet, builds a robot, gets busy. To me, this suggests more of a mental problem, an inability to interact and to love other people. And that is really scary.

Am I overreacting? Or is this totally freaky?

Have you ever wished there was a “Massively Multi-Player Online Erotic Game” where you could pretend to be smoking hot and have lots of cyber sex?

Then let me introduce you to Erotasy Island.

Much more than just your average cleverly named role playing game, Erotasy Island dubs itself a “romantic virtual vacation spot” where players can amuse themselves with activities such as strolling though “a lush jungle garden” or dining “in an amazing volcano view restaurant” all without having to step foot outside their house.

For a monthly fee, users (sadly for all those love-deprived Mac users out there, it seems only PC computers are compatable) can “interact” with people all over the world, most likely creating and maintaining a scantily clad Greek-ish avatar and doing all the things online they only dream of doing in the real world (that is, if you dream of “dancing in a disco”…which most of us haven’t done since 1975).

Not being up on the latest role-playing information, I have no real idea how all of this virtual fantasy stuff works—but I can imagine, and my imaginings are very, very boring.

But maybe that’s just because cyber-sex has never struck me as interesting in the least. I prefer my men real and in front of me, or safety in my dreams.

However, for all those who’d like to pay for the honor of jumping into a virtual bed, Erotasy Island is waiting.

Just steer clear of those fantasy STD’s.

Reason 798 why the Internet creeps me out: (which is even weirder than reason 797: the government probably reading everything I’ve ever put on here), people not being who they say they are online.

Wired Magazine recently featured a story that is the mother of all mistaken Internet identity tales, and reads like some kind of psychotic Lifetime movie of the week. Stay with me now.

Thomas Montgomery, a 45-year-old husband of 16 years and father of two teenage girls was living a pretty uneventful life in upstate New York. After spending 12 years at the same boring job, something inside Montgomery must have snapped, causing the man to live a monotonous life no more—at least in cyberspace. Deciding to log onto the game and chat site Pogo.com as a “19-year-old marine” named Tommy who was getting ready to ship out to Iraq, stood 6 feet tall, and had a “9 inch dick”, Montgomery set out to live a double life.

And live it he did, once he began talking to a 16-year-old girl from Virginia named Jessi. Jessi fell in love with Montgomery’s Tommy, talking to him for hours at night and sending him G-strings in the mail.

Sometimes, just to shake things up, Montgomery would pretend to be Tommy’s father, admonishing Jessi for making mistakes in the relationship.

Eight months after instant messaging every day and speaking on the phone, Tommy proposed to Jessi. Jessi accepted. In a bizarre New Year’s Eve resolution, Montgomery wrote “On January 2, 2006, Tom Montgomery (46 years old) ceases to exist and is replaced by an 18-year-old battle-scarred marine”.

But the only thing that really happened was Montgomery’s wife finding his secret stash of G-strings and realizing her husband was cyber cheating with a girl as old as his daughter. Being a mother, and a sane individual, Montgomery’s wife contacted Jessi and let her know Tommy didn’t exist.

Distraught, Jessi contacted a friend of Montgomery’s who also frequented Pogo.com, 22-year-old Brian Barrett, and asked him if Tommy was indeed a fake. Barret told her he was. A disappointed Jessi began messaging Barret in place of Tommy, and the two began their own online relationship.

A relationship Montgomery found out about. A relationship that pissed the delusional father of two off so much he (allegedly) followed Barret to work and shot him three times.

When Jessi was contacted about the crime, her mother answered for her, saying her daughter wasn’t around. But as cops pushed, they noticed something odd about Jessi’s mother. She acted strangely, nervous, like she knew something.

Turns out, Jessi’s mom, was Jessi.

The icing on this freaking weird cake, Jessi didn’t exist at all. Jessi was really a housewife named Mary, using her daughter’s profile.

I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.

…And I don’t think I’d ever want to.