So I just got back from three very long days of vacationing with my folks.

I mean, VERY long.

Here’s the thing: it totally sucked. I mean, I love spending time with my parents. I do. We get along very well. But three days of touristing in some random little rural town without any break from my parents EVER just isn’t my idea of a good time.

So here are a few tips that I wish I knew before I went. Good luck, you poor brave souls.

(1) Insist on having at least a little say in the location.

Okay, we went to this town in upstate NY (5 hours from their house, 3 from my apartment) for seemingly no reason. When I was informed, I did not question. Foolishly, I said instead, “Whatever you guys want.” Fatal mistake. You see, my mother decided that we just HAD to go see this giant kaleidoscope. Yes, that’s right: apparently, the basis of this trip was a giant kaleidoscope.

Anyway, we finally get to the stupid thing and they take one look at it and my dad says, “I’m not paying 10 bucks a person for this!”, my mom says, “I can’t lean on this thing for 7 minutes!”, and next thing I know we’re back at the motel trying to figure out what to do for the next three days. Read More »

You may have already heard that Clay Aiken has impregnated someone.

No, not that way. Come on.

Aiken has artificially inseminated his “best friend” and producer, Jaymes Foster, who is in her late 40’s. Clay has even decided to be a father in earnest (no, not that way) and help raise the little tyke. The baby is due in August, which means that they’ve managed to keep this under wraps for a while now.

I would like to offer my congratulations to the future parents. And so, as a gift (for some reason, I wasn’t invited to the baby shower) I’m going to give Clay some advice on how not to horribly scar and embarrass his child.

1. Don’t Smile.

You’ve recently bought a new smile, Clay, but I’m sorry, adding huge ceramic teeth to an already startlingly creepy face is a bad move. If you catch your infant child unawares, he may think that you are a beaver monster and never trust you again. Read More »

This game is the sh*t! But more addicting than crack: you’ve been warned.

Maxim sums up basically the best gifts of all time for your Dad/Grad.

Charlie Sheen Marries an “Easy” Woman. Obviously.

I feel so bad for this guy. But not bad enough to find his situation completely hilarious.

Watermelon Bombe: It’s not what you’re thinking.

But This Is! Cheers!

Audrina from back in the day. Hot or Not?

Jennifer Aniston is a pothead?! Am I the last person on earth to realize this?!

You don’t have to be rich and white to like SATC...just don’t expect to see yourself represented.

Superhero Fashion: kinda flamboyant. Oh, wait, did I say kinda? I meant VERY.

(SARA, 23, sits with her DAD, 57, in a Thai restuarant near Sara’s apartment, waiting for her MOM, also 57, to come back from the bathroom so they can get this show on the road.)

SARA

(impatient)

What’d she, fall in?

DAD

You look…different.

SARA

Oh yeah, I’m growing out my bangs.

DAD

(brightening)

Oh yeah?

SARA

…Yeah…

DAD

You know I’ve never been a fan of when you have bangs. Even when you were a little kid.

SARA

Yeah, I know.

DAD

But something else too… Read More »

The crazy train that is Mel Gibson, Britney and her dad arrived in Costa Rica this morning to stay in Mel’s home for a mini-vacation.

Before I found out that Mel Gibson was indeed crazy, I would have been high-fiving Britney Spears in my head upon hearing this news. In fact, I might have still high-fived her in my head, but WTF, you’re bringing your dad with you?

Are these two friends? Like Hollywood kind of friends that are wink wink nudge nudge friends? Is this a publicity stunt?

Maybe they are going to do a project together. “Mad Max in the Britney Dome“? She can wear Tina Turner’s gear and sing “Gimme More” but this time she can do it with feeling.

As much as they seem to make an unlikely pair, I think that I like them spending time together. Lots of crazy plus lotsa crazy = a couple that isn’t so crazy. Once the crazy cups runneth over, there’s no where else to go but back down to normal, right?

Special thanks to ET for posting this important story with such urgency. They totally know what matters.

There comes an age when you realize the difference between homesick and home, sick.

Homesickness happens after moving out of state. You miss the backyard you grew up in, your family and friends, whatever it may be that just isn’t the same in your new digs. Home, sick happens when you’re too hungover to function or you’re legitimately ill, sometimes even ill due to the hangover. Most importantly, home, sick, as an adult, is when you realize how great it was when your parents were there to take care of you. Home, sick leads to homesick.

Maybe it was because I have no siblings, but my parents upped the love when I had what my father referred to as “the punies,” always pronounced with an exaggerated pout and a pat on the head, whether I was six or sixteen. He’d then quickly step away and make an x with his index fingers. “Love you, but I don’t want it,” he said, shaking his head sadly. Read More »

• The Sixty One is set to rank music; breed pretentious jerks

• Is this newly discovered, endangered rodent adorable or freakish looking? It’s hard to tell.

• Hero alert! A 9 year-old girl drives her dying dad to saftey.

• ANTM Cycle 1 winner Adrienne Curry and Brady Bunch husband Michael Knight may be headed for seperation. As if this is shocking to anyone…

• Shopping + Strip Club = Pearl Street Mall

• Forbes creates a completely pointless list ranks the world’s most influential toddlers.

So my dad has a really tight knit group of friends. Guys, gals, married, single, old, young, he’s got ‘em all. It’s actually kind of sweet, and it gives me hope for the longevity of my friendships. Anyway, they’ve all known each other and been BFFs since college, so naturally they’ve all been a part of my life. Cookouts, football games, Dungeons and Dragons tournaments… Oh yeah. They’re all huge, colossal nerds; just like my dad. But you know what? I was too, and it’s totally cool. I’m not ashamed of my nerdy past.

But whatever, those days are gone (I swear) and I digress. My point is that after you hit a certain age and you haven’t grown out of it, you’ll always be a huge nerd. (And I don’t mean me.) So why this is now my problem? Well in the past two years since I became legal, my dad’s sadly overweight, still-single at 50 computer nerd friends have reared their ugly heads and have started to use what seems like the same lame pick-up attempts their younger counterparts try on me all the time.

Suddenly I’m getting IMs from men I once thought of as weird but kind uncles (one of them actually IS step-mother’s brother), and it’s not, “hey kiddo, how’s school? Keep up the great work!” No, instead, this is the kind of message I can expect: Read More »

Ah, yes Father’s Day… a time to give praise to the first man in your life. So in celebration of Dad’s around the world, AOLMusic has compiled a list of 11 music men that have become less-than-desirable fathers. Happy Father’s Day.

[album=15]

There are only two days left to buy the guy who never forgets to call you back the perfect Father’s Day gift. But what does a middle aged man really want besides a jumbo screen TV, a flashy car, and a prolonged vacation on a tropical island? Probably lots of other very expensive things we can’t afford.

All kidding aside, finding something your dad will actually like can be a difficult task. This is why I have arranged ideas by budget in order to get your gift giving vibes flowing:

If you’re loaded: Maybe you have a killer summer job or maybe you run some type of sketchy monetary operation. Either way, you’re looking to spend the big bucks on dad.

BBQSauceoftheMonth.com membership- $19.95/mo ($240/yr)- Dads are known as universal masters of the grill. This website will send your dad two new barbecue sauces each month to experiment with. This is a plus for you if you like to eat because it will prompt your dad to throw some steaks or ribs onto the fire.

Snap-On Tools-$25-$500- Not all dads are handymen, but some can get pretty serious about their tools. Snap On tools are revered in male circles as one of the most respectable tool brands. Get a male friend or boyfriend to chat your dad up and see which tool he’s lacking. Then head online to snapon.com. You may want to check out eBay before making any purchases, because some of these items can cost more than a crappy car. Read More »