The holiday seasons are all about eating too many dips, spending way too much money on frenemy gifts, and watching Elf on repeat. This year we’re prepared to take the stress and the frustration out of holiday gift giving by giving you the ultimate gift guides to buying the perfect presents for your favorite people (and we’re splitting into 3 different price ranges so you can choose the gift based on how much you actually like the person!). So set this series as your favorite because all week we’re bringing you the best.

It’s tough to buy gifts for the friend who loves to read. The choice should seem obvious, shouldn’t it? Buy a book. But what type of book? What has she read? What does he want to read? Hardcover or paperback? New or used? The questions are endless. And that’s before you even get into accessories. Are bookmarks too cliché? Will she even use them? Are all those gadgets really necessary?

All valid questions. But more importantly, all answerable questions. College Candy is breaking down the answers for you. With prices ranging from $11.99 to $139 we’ve got all your bases covered, from the books, to the book lights to the book shelves.

So no more standing in the middle of Barnes and Noble staring at the stacks of bestsellers attempting to figure out which one is actually worth reading. I’ve done the hard work for you and scoured those (cyber) shelves to provide you with the best gift options for the bookworms in your life.

Get even more gift giving inspiration in CollegeCandy’s Holiday Central!

When Monday rolls around, I’m usually gathering all of the snacks I can find, burrowing into my couch, pulling a blanket to my chin, having a mini freak-out, and anticipating the glory that is Gossip Girl.  Seriously, that television production has rendered me completely useless every Monday for nearly three years now. But, it’s been a good run.

Until now.

Did the original GG producers go on an extended vacay? Are the new GG producers out to turn my life into a pile of ashes that have been burned from the horrible story line that is this season’s Gossip Girl??  I’m deeply sorry if I’ve offended anyone who’s enjoying the season right now.  Actually, I changed my mind.  No, I’m not.  This shiz has been as entertaining as a Quidditch match at a nursing home.  I’m dying of boredom.

Seriously, is this all you can come up with this season, GG? It seems as if time and ideas are running out.  We are back where we started…Serena wants to run away forever, she makes out with her (ehem, stepbrother) Dan again, Jenny has no friends, and Blair is still trying to find herself.  I think I just snapped my jaw mid-yawn. Borrrr-innggg.

Gossip Girl: You are like my mother when she tells me to get a job, make my bed, and to turn down the volume Chelsea Lately. I’ve heard it all before.

So, since Gossip Girl has been MIA for a week now, maybe the week off has given those producers time to think about what they’ve done and fix it. We’re all supposed to learn from our mistakes, right?  Well, let’s hope the people behind Gossip Girl have learned a lesson or 12. Here are a few things we are hoping the producers have come up to make Gossip Girl shiny and new again.

Serena: The Real Story
In the next episode, we could find out the real truth about Serena and her fickle ways with men: she’s actually a lesbian. She doesn’t know when to properly come out, and she doesn’t want to make Lily write (yet another) check for her.  Eventually, her truth will come out, most likely at a gala, hotel party, ball, or some other event that brings everyone together in couture dresses. But it won’t be Serena’s idea to share the big secret. Team Brooklyn will pull a curtain away from Serena’s make out sesh with…wait, that’s not Lonely Boy.

Nate and Dan:  When Boredom Strikes…
Without Serena, things are getting a little melancholy on the Upper East Side.  In a marijuana induced angst sesh (and after they bond when Nate teaches Dan how to work a lacrosse stick), they end up going back to Nate’s hotel suite.  After a few stiff drinks, Dan and Nate turn their bromance into a romance, get tipsy, and hook up. Before you know it, they are walking hand and hand to Central Park.  Awww, cute!

Rufus: Takes His Baking to the Business World
Since Lily clearly can’t get enough of her hubby’s great cooking (the sarcasm is dripping like syrup off of a stack of his famed waffles here) and he can’t handle his roll as boring housewife, Rufus takes his waffle making abilities to the business world. He writes a business proposal highlighting the important role waffles plays in the preservation of families and before we know it, Rufus buys a ‘waffle truck,’ and roams the city as a breakfast maker with a cause.

Blair and Chuck: I Hear Wedding Bells
Since the only thing I actually enjoy watching on the show is Blair and Chuck, why not take their relationship to the next level?  Honestly, I’m not sure if I would get up at 3 AM to watch Prince William wed Kate Middleton’s royal nuptials, but Blair and Chuck on the other hand?  I would take a two-hour special and the risk of drooling on my shirt to see that any day.  Oh, and make their engagement a short one so I don’t have to suffer through five episodes to witness the wedding of the century. Perfect.

Juliet:  Diminishes the Mystery and Gets.Out.Of. New York.
Ok, enough already!  It’s about time we figure out why Juliet’s brother is in jail so we can be donzo with these fools!  In my ideal Gossip Girl world, the mystery of Juliet and her a-hole bro would be disposed, the sketchiness of it all diminished, and Juliet would run out of the city like a little girl (which she clearly is not).

Jenny: Gets a Haircut
And runs out of eyeliner.

Sigh, I hope someone’s listening out there. I guess we’ll find out tonight.

But we finally reached the climax and despite my expectations that it just wouldn’t happen (and I’d have to channel my inner Meg Ryan a la ‘When Harry Met Sally’), we had a toe curling, fireworks extravaganza last night that left me jonesing for a cigarette. (Not that I smoke, but it just seemed appropriate after that hot, hot Blair/Chuck sexy sesh. DAYUMMM.)

I knew Serena was going down, but whew, girl didn’t even get a chance to go down with a fight!  Like they say on the Upper East Side, the possibilities are endless.

Since we are on the precipice of one of my favorite holidays of the year (Thanksgiving!), I thought it would only be appropriate to create the perfect recipe for every Gossip Girl episode.  Even though this particular Monday evening run had a few more twists, turns and ingriedents than normal, I feel like I’ve seen all of this before.  So here we go, let’s cook up some GG casserole, shall we?

A Spoonful of Lily Trying to Fix Serena’s Reputation By Writing a Check
Poor Serena, the scheming efforts of Team Brooklyn have led S’s flesh and blood mother to assume the worst. And weird, Lily is stuck writing another check to buy Serena a mended reputation. Well, pshh, that’s never happened before.

Two Teaspoons of Blair Trying to be an Empowering Women
Since Mr. Chuck isn’t a blurter and meant what he said when he let intense sexual pleasures dull his senses thus voicing the three one-syllable words, Blair and Chuck announce they are back together. Well, they’re forced to announce it when Serena’s Doppelganger exposes them, but whatev. It happened. Unfortunately for Chuck (and every single viewer who has only hung on this season because of those two) it didn’t last long. Blair wants to be her own woman. You know, like Hillary Clinton, but with better hair. “I have to be Blair Waldorf before I’m Chuck Bass’ girlfriend.” Awww.

Can you guys still have brainstorming sessions while in bed, please?  That is a beautiful relationship.  Nothing’s wrong with a lobster pot pie between friends! And since when was there an episode without it?

Crack an Egg and Mix it With in Someone’s Jealousy Problem with Serena
I don’t care what it is, someone is always jealous of S.  In this case, it’s me (I just want her freaking wardrobe, OK?), Juliet and the two Brooklyn b*tches. These girls want everyone against Serena so she can finally feel like an outsider like them.  So go ahead, Juliet – steal Serena’s Sim Card and continue to spend your days trying to ruin her life and pull her out of Columbia.  We get it, you weren’t born (in 1965) with a silver spoon in your mouth. But just know, you aren’t the first person to try to do this and you definitely won’t be the last. With that hair, that beauty, that body, and all that money, there’s always someone trying to steal Serena’s thunder. Wouldn’t be a tasty GG pie without it.

Sprinkle in Some Man Competition Between Lonely Boy and Golden Boy
These dudes have been competing for S since day one. Blah blah blah but they’re still friends blah blah blah. Blah blah blah let the best man win blah blah blah.  Nate wins. Blah blah blah. Dan wins. This is the ongoing love triangle and without it, what would Gossip Girl do with all her live video?? (The bigger question is, how does no one notice when someone is shooting live video of them?)

Let Ingredients Set for Three Hours and Go Shopping
Because Ducks and Dorota don’t compare to the Zen of shopping, right S?  When isn’t someone buying a new couture dress on Gossip Girl?

Add One Cup of Nate Saying Someone Thick
Like, “That doesn’t mean I love you, that means I love having sex with you.”

Mix All Current Ingredients With a Party in a Hotel
It wouldn’t be the perfect Gossip Girl without mixing together all of our lovely ingredients with a creative party at an expensive hotel.  Seriously, this is where the good shiz goes down.  Like figuring out what Little J looks like without all that eyeliner, who’s a saint or a sinner, a liar or a loyal friend, a good kisser or a bad kisser.  Hey J, don’t accidently kiss Lonely Boy!  No joke, I was nervous for a moment there and after the season we’ve had, I was pretty sure the GG writing team was going to let that happen.

Let Bake
Cook that freaky dish until it comes out with Serena’s life ruined, the entire Upper East Side against her, Nate and Dan besties with testies, Vanessa showing zero initiative, and Lily continuing to slam Rufus’ cooking.

Pleasant dreams sweet angels.

Until next time (in 2 [!!] weeks),
XOXO
GGRG
(Gossip Girl Recap Girl)

I want to be that robe. Or that cookie. Or that duvet.

Like most people, after seeing the commercials for Gossip Girl promising loads of Blair and Chuck hate sex, I was beyond excited. While I usually DVR the episode and watch it later in the evening to avoid those pesky commercial breaks, I couldn’t stand to wait another minute so I <gasp> watched it live (with many of you!).

….and I was more disappointed than that time I hooked up with my high school crush and he kept saying “baseball, baseball, baseball” for the duration of the (3 minute) dalliance.

I don’t know what those Gossip Girl writers are smoking over there at CW HQ but it must be laced with something bad because this show has turned into the worst piece of crap in TV history. Seriously, I think I’d rather watch a Hoarders marathon than this dribble. This episode just makes me so angry. When it finally ended and I finished picking popcorn kernels out of my teeth, I hated everyone. Everyone! (Especially Orville Redenbacher.)

Rufus:
There are starving children in Africa. Must you waste so many waffles when it’s just you and Dan eating breakfast?

Serena:
I’m pretty sure the song “Quit Playing Games With My Heart” was written with Serena van der Woodsen in mind. I mean, the girl manages to string along every single guy on the Upper East Side. I know, she’s freaking gorgeous and can make anything, even a dress that is missing the front part of the skirt, look good, but what is it about her that has guys quitting their jobs or hopping in cabs from Brooklyn to kiss their step-sibling?!

MAKE UP YOUR MIND, Serena. I’m getting really sick of you juggling all these incredibly good looking men. And if you really love Dan, then having Nate show up on the sidewalk shouldn’t change that. Grrrr.

Nate:
Could there be anyone on this planet who is more gullible and dense than Nathanial Archibald? It’s infuriating. How many times does Cougar Juliet have to get caught in a lie before you finally kick that biznatch to the curb, Nate? Like the wise President Bush once said: “Fool me once shame on….you. You fool me you can’t get fooled again.” Or something like that.

Juliet:
I resent the fact that shopping at outlet malls and having Ikea furniture in your 5th floor walk-up is something to be ashamed of [says the girl sitting at an Ikea desk on an Ikea chair wearing sweats from the Old Navy outlet]. Also, stop letting other people control you and learn to stand on your own two feet, woman. Oh, and please explain to me how you can just constantly call your brother in jail. Aren’t there rules against that?

Vanessa:
What did Jessica Szohr do to the writers that made them hate her so much to give her the worst character of all time? I used to like V back in the day when she was a little Brooklyn hipstery thing trying to save the world. But much like her most recent hair-do, revenge and scheming do not look good on her. Especially when it’s for such a dumb reason. “I’ve been losing to Serena for 3 years, watching her get away with everything and anything and I’m over it.” Is she really so pathetic that she’ll go to such great lengths, sneak into the ballet and totally isolate herself from the 5 people she knows in NYC just to get Serena back for being so damn perfect? I get it, I hate Serena too, but this little inferiority complex is embarrassing and if she doesn’t get it in line soon, I fear we’ll have a little drug addiction on our hands soon.

…but then maybe she’ll go to rehab?

Dan:
Serena is your step-sister. If that’s not enough to get you to wake up and smell the girl who is going to break your heart again, well, godspeed. (P.S. Telling her a man should quit his job to be with her? What world do you live in?)

Chuck and Blair:
OK, so I can’t hate these two, no matter how hard I try. All that hate/love sex. All those pastries in the bathtub. That purple velvet robe. It’s these two (and possibly Dorota) that are going to make me come back and watch more sh*t go down next week.

Get them back together or I’m out, GG. There are plenty other crappy shows, like Real World/Road Rules 47,  I can watch on Monday nights.

XOXO,
GGRG
(Gossip Girl Recap Girl)

Moving on.

When the leaves turn, it’s time for Blair’s birthday, a shiz-ton of scheming, and an ending make-out scene that had me staring at the TV screen in a mix of delight (“FINALLY!”) and horror (“there are middle schoolers watchign this!”). That’s right, Chuck and Blair pull out the sauce….on the piano.  In the words of everyone’s favorite housekeeper, “Happy Birthday Meeeez Blair!”

Could you handle it?  I couldn’t.  I screamed. I jumped up. I couldn’t even swallow amidst all that hair pulling, panty ripping and aggressive kissing, which wouldn’t be a big deal had I not just took a giant swig of extra hot chocolate. Yeah, burn. Literally (Rachel Zoe voice).

It’s a good thing that happened, though, because last night’s ep needed something to redeem it. Then again, I’ve come to learn that Gossip Girl‘s creators always have a knack for ending a craptastic episode with something so great I can’t help but count down the seconds until the next week.

But that (and the whole “don’t drink hot cocoa while watching GG” thing) is not the only thing I learned from this week’s Gossip Girl. So, ladies and gents, let’s see what other wisdom Gossip Girl imparted on us all. Think of me as your just-as-sexy-as-Collin professor and pay attention:

“Coffee is the thing you have, before you pay the check and have sex.” -Blair
Blair is such a wise woman.  Because it’s true – Serena and Colin can barely keep their hands off of each other.  When S talks about bagels, she really wants breakfast in bed, people!  So much so that Serena finally gives in even though she “likes him too much to do this right now,” and Juliet finds out Serena’s dating her cousin, and she video tapes their make out sesh.

OK, I’m dying GG, what is Serena responsible for?  Why does Ben and Juliet want her sabotaged/ expelled?  Why is Collin going to ruin everything? It’s her roots, isn’t it? Or maybe Juliet is uber jealous of Serena’s buoyant breasts?! (I know I am…)

“Peace time is the perfect time for a side strike.” -Dan
GG is right, it seems like the leaves aren’t the only thing changing this fall.  The Brooklyn boy is in it to win it. Dan is so mad his (gothic Barbie) sister remains quarantined upstate, he’s willing to do anything to bring her back. Nevermind the fact that no one (not even Blair) can really keep Jenny out of Manhattan, this is JENNY, bro. Remember when she sabotaged the family? Or when she dropped out of school? Or when she VOLUNTARILY slept with Chuck Bass? She’s not worth all the scheming. If you really want to see her (it’s your prerogative, I guess), take the Bass limo and go pick her skanky ass up. Boom. Anniversary party saved.

“All books and no sex? Guys don’t wait.  When they’re not getting any from you…[fill in the blank]” -Juliet
Thanks Juliet, you little (old) slutbag.  I don’t know what you’re doing to convince all these morons that you’re a good person (or an actual college student… SERIOUSLY, what is wrong with everyone!?), but you are always good for some sound advice. I’m so glad the tweens of the world were watching and listening.

“All powerful people have enemies.” -Blair
And all along I just thought enemies were reserved for beautiful people and bloggers, but B is right. Lucky for Blair, hers is Chuck. And lucky for both of them, enemies have hot, angry sex.

“Screw the bar, the good stuff is in the kitchen.” -Blair
Right on, girlfriend.  And she’s not just talking about the Grey Goose.  In the kitchen, Collin is in the midst of getting mad at Juliet and it looks like Juliet is dating Collin so Nate gets mad at Juliet and Juliet finds out Serena is really dating Collin.  Woah, which way is up?? See? Blair told you all the good stuff is in the kitchen!

“It only takes one video to topple an entire career.” -Blair
Even if that video is just some harmless, drunken karaoke. Provided by Robyn. (Yeah, I have no idea how she fit into all of this either. Very creative, writers!)

Not really sure how that could ruin Blair’s life or how Dan even knew that existed, but allow me to share a lesson with Blair (if she’s reading): sex tapes MAKE careers. Just ask Kim Kardashian! You want to make a comeback? Get Dorota to hold the FlipCam while you and Chuck get. it. onnnnn. on the piano. Crisis averted.

“You have to allow  yourself to be weak and grow stronger. You don’t have to lose the girl to be a woman. You just need to think about who’s going to be around when you let her out.” -Eleanor
Who knew Eleanor was so full of cheesy cliches? Regardless, it was deep… in that “my fortune cookie is talking to me” sorta way.

“There can never be peace when all of the guns are loaded and full of ammunition.” -Gossip Girl
And if that whole scene on the piano proves anything, it’s that Chuck’s gun is fully loaded. Meow.

Class dismissed.

XOXO,
GGRG
(Gossip Girl Recap Girl)

"Oh hey, mom! Yeah, I'm jst having breakfast in my shoulder pads and '90s prom updo!"

Only on Gossip Girl can the episode begin with two beautifully (albeit overdressed) designer clad ladies eating crumpets at a spicy cafe in Paris while discussing Blair’s future date with Louis, whom is (naturally) a Prince.  I’m serious, the Disney Channel couldn’t make this sh*t up. And only on Gossip Girl can that beautiful moment be interrupted by a call from Serena’s mom to scurry on over to the morgue to identify a body that is presumably her former step-brother’s.

Yes, while sporting those chrome shoulder pads…and that squirrel that was residing on the back of her head.  I fully understand it was her hair, but let’s all agree that Serena is lucky she’s so gorge. That sorta business wouldn’t fly on just anyone…especially yours truly.

Whew, let’s dive right in, shall we? After four (long, cold, desolate) months of trying to figure out what happened after Chuck risked his entire life to save Miss Blair’s monstrous rock, Gossip Girl is in full force and here with all the answers.  No need to worry, my minions – Jenny (and her split ends/leggings/eye liner) did not appear on this episode. Rejoice!

OK. Here goes…

While Serena is going to the morgue – “What is that a strip club?” (Quote, unquote. Blair Waldorf, ladies and gentleman) – Nate is back at home in New York sipping coffee with Juliet, a sketchy girl he met in a restaurant.  Juliet is refreshingly charming at first but we all know that’s a surefire sign of a complete nut case. Well, everyone but Nate knows that.

See, Juliet seems to be brewing a screw-Serena-and-Nate-over stew and it’s starting to smell like victory.

Case A: She secretly knows everything about Nate and Serena. Hello, she keeps a bulletin board completely dedicated to Gossip Girl cutouts of the two. (Editor’s Note: Wait, is that not normal?) Call me crazy, but if that doesn’t raise her freak flag, I don’t know what will. (Editor’s Note: Oh….)

Case B: Juliet convinces Nate she should be his ‘life coach’ and she can finally help him win Serena’s recent affections for Dan.  Ugh, does Serena have to be the instigator for everything? Is she what John Mayer would describe as sexual napalm?!

Case C: She tells Vanessa the Baby Whisperer that Dan really has feelings for her so they can “take Dan out of the question using Vanessa” and give Nate a better chance to hone in on Serena and get her back.  Which doesn’t make any sense because doesn’t Juliet like Nate?  Then, to top it off, Dan and Vanessa end up hooking up because Dan tries to apologize and she makes him shut up because, “You don’t need to tell me, Nate already did.”  Then, Dan gets mad at Nate for telling Vanessa he had feelings for her when he really has feelings for Serena, right??

Did you get all that?

Oh. My. Lanta, I feel like I just ran a marathon.  That was a lot of information.  Take a minute to absorb. Eat a cookie. Eat a few more. OK, let’s get back to business.

SO, Dan and Nate have a bro-chat (with manly beer and hot cargo shorts, might I add) and talk Serena.  Want a summary of their conversation? Here it is: “Serena gets back tomorrow… what are we going to do?” Aaaand, end scene! I’m serious, that is about it.  True to nut case fashion, Juliet apologizes to Nate for intruding on him and his bud Danny-Doo and suddenly Nate has a hard-on for Juliet.  And just like she planned, Dan goes back to Vanessa and they kiss and make up.  Nothin an ol’ bro-versation won’t do!

Meanwhile, in Paris-town Blair is trying to feel all sparkly with Louis as he decks her wardrobe and brings her to a ball.  While Detective Serena is trying to find what Henry…er… I mean Chuck is up to with his ‘Dew vee need shots? Vhat dew vee pack?’ new woman, Blair finds carats, clarity and charisma in a jewelery shop that turns out…. houses the ring Chuck Bass owns!  Ugh, Paris is so complicated and beautiful.

So while Chuck is busy limping around Paris reinventing himself, Serena tries to convince Blair that she is the only one who can convince him to come back to New York and not completely give up his Empire to Serena’s mother. Which, would be really awful – duh.   Naturally, Blair rushes after him in a red dress that made my heart stop and they exchange a few, “I’d rather have nothing than be Chuck Bass…You can’t turn your back on who you really are…It wouldn’t be my world without you in its…” and BOOM, Blair is over Chuck and Chuck is flying his lover with him to New York.

“Don’t vee need teekets?” Chuck’s lover pleaded.
“We don’t need tickets. I’m Chuck Bass.”

Seriously, I’m dying.  This line wins the ‘Best Line in the History of Gossip Girl.’  In fact, what is up with all the Emmy slights every year? Have you heard what these people are saying, Academy?! It’s truly stunning. Kudos to you, Gossip Girl screenwriters! (Especially for writing J. Humph out for awhile. High fives!)

Blair on the other hand? She breaks up with her Prince, claiming she can’t live a fairytale.  She exits in true Miss Blair fashion, handing Louis her black pump and closing with, “It’s worth helluva lot more than a glass slipper.”  Oh Blair, you’ve always been one for fairytale endings.

OH and it turns out Milo (Dan’s “love child” with Georgina) has O-negative blood type.  You know what that means, little scientists? I’ll let you Wiki that and get back to me.

Until then, this poll is closed.

You know you love me.
XOXO,

—GGRG
(Gossip Girl Recap Girl)

The world’s largest nerd orgy, otherwise known as Comic-Con, kicks off today in San Diego and we’re  celebrating the dork-a-palooza by focusing on entertainment’s sexiest geeks. From the guys who never the leave the house without polishing their suspenders to to the guys who refuse to hide their  acapella affiliations, we’re covering every kind of nerd and dork that’s out there.  Because at the end of the day, when you’re done sitting around your phone waiting for that Abercrombie and Fitch model to call, these are the kinds of guys you want to date.

Seth Cohen is your basic neurotic Jewish man who talks a mile a minute and doesn’t stop playing his video games for anything. And we mean anything. This is the kid who didn’t even press pause when his father was like “this underage car thief from the wrong side of the tracks is going to live in our pool house now.” He’s obsessed with comics and confides his deepest secrets to a plastic horse. He’s a catch… especially if you’re a psych major.

Steve Urkel is your all-around classic nerd. He has the glasses, the suspenders, and the never-going-happen-except-during-sweeps crush on the hot girl next door. Oh and he’s also some kind of nuclear physicist genius who is creating mind-blowing inventions in his Chicago basement. So yeah, he’s that guy you see at your 25th high school reunion wearing a suit made out of gold…that he got as a gift from the president for inventing affordable time travel.

Dan Humphrey is your brooding, intellectual dork. The kind you might find sitting on a lone bench (hand!?)writing about his deepest thoughts, desires, and his anger towards his social-climbing-eyeliner-overdosing little sister. He’s the guy you want when you’re ready to move to Brooklyn or when your history paper is due in an hour and you haven’t even started yet.

Harry Potter is your everyday all-around wizard next door who can defeat the most evil wizard in the world, yet can’t control his pesky wand when a girl he likes conjures up some impressive magic. He’s a dork with a dark past and he’ll always be there when you want to talk abut feelings or weather-shaped scars on your forehead. Oh and he’s bilingual. Parseltongue foreplay anyone?

Screech is that pesky lifelong virgin who lacks all self-awareness about how completely annoying he is to everyone around him. Despite his constantly-cracking voice and his curly do, he manages to get in with the in-crowd and spend his day drooling over totally hot babes like Lisa Turtle. If his superior social climbing skills don’t impress you, then just wait for him to introduce you to his not-so-secret crush, Zach Morris.

Andy Bernard is a real-life good guy who happens to belong to one of upstate New York’s finest acapella groups. He’s not one to hide it when he likes a girl and he’ll do just about anything to get his lady of choice to marry him. Yep, marry. This guy is all about  some solid commitment — and outrageous Secret Santa gifts.

TV is like real life, right?

First, every television set in America goes digital, and now TV is going 3D? Yes, people, the future is here. According to MSNBC, ESPN will be the first network to go 3D this June, dubbing their new station ESPN 3D (rather original) and fulfilling every sports fanatic’s wet dream for a decade.

One of the main purposes is to help take a step for all TV to become 3D. While we can all do without A&E’s Hoarders popping out of the TV and taking over our living rooms, I’m sure we can all agree that there is nothing more heavenly than being able to reach out and touch Dr. McDreamy’s fine looking bod. In fact, much like adding a little extra buttercream on top of a cupcake, shooting my favorite shows in 3D will only make them that much sweeter:

Sex and the City: Who wouldn’t wanna reach out and give Samantha a high five while she gets it on with one of her (many) hotties in 3D?

Hung: For those of you that don’t know, Hung is about a man who is, well, hung. Enough said.

Portuguese soccer: Okay, what would you do if Cristiano Ronaldo was in your TV room in 3D?  If your answer is “nothing” you’re a big, fat liar.

The Food Network: There is nothing I want more than to have Paula Deen in my living room. OK, so maybe in my kitchen. Cooking me something. With lots of butter. But I’ll take her Krispy Kreme Casserole in 3D any day.

Gossip Girl: Chanel bags, YSL heels, Chuck Bass and Dan Humphrey nose to nose with me?  I’m not leaving my couch ever again.

See? Weird.

Talk about the British Invasion.

Yesterday, this post on Jezebel pointed me towards this utterly, utterly ridiculous Times of London article that claims college-bound British ladies are increasingly enrolling in American universities—primarily to meet “Ivy League educated males.”

The article is crazy enough that it blames “hit shows such as Gossip Girl, The OC, Dawson’s Creek and even Twilight”—yes, that noted television program, Twilight—for the pseudo-phenomenon it’s investigating. Author Luisa Metcalfe also cites Ivy League hotties including Barack Obama, Jake Gyllenhaal (both of whom went to Columbia. I’m just saying), and “aspiring Dartford College student Dan Humphrey” as bait for English girls.

I repeat: Dartford College. Never mind that Gossip Girl’s Dan actually ended up going to NYU, or that he originally wanted to go to Yale, not “Dartford”—Metcalfe actually writes the word “Dartmouth” just three paragraphs after she initially mangles the name of the beer-happy New Hampshire Ivy, so how did the term Dartford even make it into the final version of this article? Don’t they have copy editors across the pond?

And even if this article is right and female Brits are really applying to American universities just so that they can meet guys with argyle sweaters and perfect teeth—not, you know, because they want to get a good education at a top school—I have to speak up.

I’m sorry to burst your bubble, mates, but here’s the truth about Ivy League guys: they are weird. At least, the straight ones almost all are.

The only long-term boyfriend I had at Columbia once tried to make his own beer by boiling hops and wheat, then letting the mixture sit for a week. My best guy friend on campus, a chemistry major, straight-up watches videos of scientific graphs on Youtube sometimes. My brother, who went to Yale, used to have “books and hot sauce” listed as his interests on Facebook.

Metcalfe quotes Dr. Dona Matthews, who used to work at New York’s Hunter College Center for Gifted Studies and Education, as saying, “In order to get in to any of the Ivies — in addition to exceptionally high academics and SATs — they have to be athletic and they need to demonstrate exceptional social abilities.” But if Ivy League guys are all “athletic” and “social,” I’m the freaking Pope.

Sorry, girls—although there are a few Nate Archibalds scattered across Ivy campuses, the vast majority of dudes who attend the Ancient Eight are quirky at best and just plain odd at worst. So are the girls, actually. That’s one of the things I love most about Columbia.

If I wanted to find a Prince Charming in college… well, I guess I’d try transferring to some school in England.

Remember when Jenny Humphrey was just a cool, normal chick from Brooklyn? You know, before she dropped out of school to become a punk rock fashion designer and well before she became the biggest bitch on the UES?

She’s come a long way since those days. And even though she’s sporting over-sized t-shirts and men’s ties instead of bedazzled headbands, Jenny Humphrey is quickly surpassing Blair Waldorf as the meanest Queen in school. Yeah, we all thought she could live in both worlds – sweet Jenny at home and big, scary Jenny on the steps – but she proved us all wrong. First she demands almonds without the skin and then she dumps a perfectly good yogurt on her brother?

WTF, Jenny? There are starving children in Africa! You get twelve shopping bags from Bergdorf’s and suddenly you have no respect for the people who care about you most?  Seriously, girl, get a clue. And a hairbrush. Those extensions are lookin’ a little, well, nappy.

And speaking of evil-doers, let’s take a trip to Chuck Bass’s new world. The world that was almost ruined by selfish, needy Blair. The guy only has 24 hours to make his hotel a giant success – standard – and Blair’s ego gets in the way, almost costing him everything. Not that anyone had any doubt in Chuck’s abilities. Those eyes, that hair, that cute hat and suit combo… er…I mean, he’s smart and business savvy just like his daddy-o, so obviously he’d pull everything together and have the hottest hotel in NYC in under 24 hours.

I mean, that’s normal for a rich 18-year-old, right?

Luckily, everyone got out of the busted party unscathed (and Serena even picked up a new boy-toy!). If only it were that easy in the real world where I’ve found myself tearing off my heels and running through the bushes to get away from the PoPo that has come in search of under-age imbibers. I’d much rather have my photo taken by a bunch of paparazzi like Dan and Olivia than hide out in a bathroom until the police finally head out.

And going home with a mega moviestar wouldn’t be so bad, either. Although, I don’t know about you, but if I were Dan I’d feel less than excited to bump and grind with a talented actress like Olivia. I mean that girl does sex scenes for a living. With her hot Hollywood ex boyf. If anyone can fake an orgasm it’s her. Let’s hope not-so Lonely Boy is a little more adventurous between the sheets than he is in real life.

Who am I kidding? That kid looks about as vanilla as they come. My money is on a lack of bedroom sparkage. We all know Hillary isn’t going to be a permanent fixture on GG, so I’m betting it’s Dan’s bedroom boredom that sends this A-lister packing.

We’ll just have to wait and find out next week. With the entire group in a tizzy (Eric hates Jenny, Serena hates Nate and Blair, Blair hates the world), things are going to get even more exciting. I just hope someone puts Jenny in her place. With some eggs. To her face.

You know you love the dramz,

XOXO
GGGGR