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So maybe it’s not fair that I don’t like Dane Cook because he annoys me. He really isn’t the annoying one. It’s all the bros (and girls that want to be like bros) who are annoying. I think a comedian’s jokes should only be allowed to be said by the comedian, because they are obviously the funny one. Not the frat guy toasting to Dane Cook before shot-gunning a beer. So maybe I’ll give Dane another chance next year, because love him or hate him, he will be back on our TVs.

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Ew Dane Cook

As I’m sure anyone with an internet connection, mobile phone, or the ability to read knows: John Mayer is a tremendous douche bag. In a recent interview with Playboy, he reminds America (as if his Twitter feed wasn’t proof enough) why he is the most irritating dbag on the planet. I will reiterate douchebag multiple times in this article because I am fairly certain if you check the ingredients on Summer’s Eve, the primary ingredient is John Mayer.

Okay, sure, John Mayer shouts out his exes, claims his cock is a “white supremacist,” will do anything for attention, makes that nasty face when he sings and just generally looks like a grease ball who invented HPV, but certainly there have to be worse guys out there. And there are.

So allow me to list 10 guys who are even more un-dateable than the totally un-dateable Mr. Mayer.

10. Jon Gosselin Michael Lohan?
As a personal pact to myself to not name he-who-shall-not-be-named-ed hardy-ear piercing-hailey-glassman-screwing-child exploiting-a**hole, I will say, ugh, Michael Lohan. Any creepy show biz dads have to be worse than @JohnCMayer.

9. Spencer Pratt
Well thank golly he’s taken by his lovely Barbie, Heidi. Who wouldn’t love a guy so charming with his creepy flesh colored beard and all?

8. The Situation
Pauly D? Yes please. As for The Situation, this old-as-balls washed up Guido can get out. Creep!

7. Dane Cook
If I wanted to be with someone unfunny, obnoxious and sweaty, then he’d be the perfect man. Seriously, can you imagine the arm-flailing this guy would pull in the bedroom? Ugh.

6. Chris Brown
Enough said.

5. Perez Hilton
Now I know he isn’t into girls and I know he hates John Mayer (probably even more than I do), but still, certifiable douche. Leave Miley alone!

4. P.Diddy
No, I do not want to wake up in the morning feeling like I’m a cocky, entitled, untalented a**hole.

3. Kanye West
Although I am totally team Kanye over that devil child T.Swift, I could never date this man. If John Mayer and his egos got into a fight, it would be a tough call, but I’m sure Kanye’s would take a cheap shot and win.

2. Tom Cruise
Dude is just straight up creepy.

1. John Mayer
What can I say? He’s an a**hole AND his music sucks. And seriously? That O face? Ugh.

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I love the fantasy version of dating where everything’s shrouded in a pink mist and it rains sunshine and daisies on you and your perfect mate. Music plays when you kiss, you’re wined and dined, showered with gift boxes from Tiffany’s… and everything’s fantastic because, duh, you’re in love. Or what Dane Cook refers to in many a sketch as “lerve.”

Clearly in Fantasyland there is no concept of money, which is the primary reason I would LOVE to move there and live happily ever after with Christian Bale.

Let’s face it, ladies, the dating game has gotten out of control with expenditures. If you’re doing distance, travel just to see the other person will cost you a small fortune. Between that, the upcoming holiday season, birthdays, anniversaries, Hallmark holidays and oh, remember the generic DATES you’re going on? Yeah those. They’re all costing you.

I admit, there’s nothing more fun than splurging a little on a date-night outfit, heading to a fancy schmancy dinner, going away for a weekend, or getting tickets to a concert or sporting event your new fling would die to see; it makes you happy to make other people happy, I get it. But frankly, unless you’re one of the those lucky bitches who have Mommy and Daddy as your personal piggy bank, odds are you’re young and broke. And more than likely – unless you’re dating up – so is the other person. (Note: Dating up would be the ideal way to do it if money is your concern… I don’t attract these guys, but if you have advice on how to do so, please comment away below. PLEASE.)

Sure, you want the great first impression to keep going, but is it worth getting yourself into debt to buy those Tory Burch boots for the perfect outfit, or box seats at that game? Hate to tell you, sweetie, but you don’t get reimbursed for cash spent while dating if you break up. And the bills really only make you bitter, which doesn’t make you too marketable for the next guy.

I’ve made the mistake many a time – seriously, just look at my credit history – and have a few suggestions for how to keep yourself and your credit card statements in check:

Chivalry is dead, go halvsies. Take turns visiting each other if you don’t live in the same place. If you do, have fun but spend within your means. My own record shows many a guy who had no problem letting me pay, which is fine if it’s for half, but I have yet to date someone who finds it necessary to pay my way all the time. If their situation is anything like mine, I try to appreciate that. Do what you’re comfortable with and what you can afford.

Start small with the gifts. I’m a huge fan of doing things we both can enjoy for birthdays, holidays, and the like. If you’re in the beginning of a relationship that might not be “the one,” well… it may not pay off in time, if that’s what you’re expecting. Talk with him about gifting and set a cap to your spending limit. It’s nice to do nice things for people, but, like your mom tells you, it’s really the thought that counts.

Do not, do not, do not try and buy his affection. He was attracted to you for a reason, so don’t think you need to buy him off to make up for a fight or to keep his interest. It’s not going to fix anything.

Level with him. Don’t play it off like it’s no big deal when you won’t be buying groceries for the next month after a really expensive date or weekend. If you really like this kid, tell the truth: expensive dates once in awhile are fine, but you’d love to keep it low key. It’s ultimately about the company you’re keeping, right?

Love is a many splendid (and expensive!) thing; spend wisely, ladies.

[photo courtesy of www.dating-weblog.com]

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Dane Cook is kinda right.

1. Ryan Reynolds. Now, besides the fact that he is off the market (engaged to Scarlet Jo!), this man is seriously adorable – and funny. Did you not see his abs in the hilarious movie Waiting? Or perhaps catch a glimpse of that killer smile?

2. Dane Cook. Not only is his stand up hilarious, but he’s got that dreamy guy-next-door-you’d-like-to-pounce-on look. Girls dig it. Guys dig it. I sure as heck do.

3. Sean William Scott. While Steve Stiffler is a piece of work, this guy is not too bad on the eyes. Ever see that movie Rundown with him and The Rock? Yummy.

4. Jim Carrey. Ah, a classic. This man can do it all, while maintaining a great physical appearance. That Jenny McCarthy must be keeping him young!

5. The Wilson Brothers. Whether you prefer blonde or brunette, there’s something for everyone in this twin set. I myself prefer Luke (circa Old School, “Yes Godfather, yes!”), but lots of ladies love the bummed out nose and surfer look of Owen. Let’s just hope the funny man can stay on track…wouldn’t want to disappoint his admirers.

6. Vince Vaughn. Some love his look. Others hate it. Personally, I’d love for his 6’7’’ frame to swing me around a dance floor like he did to Isla Fisher in Wedding Crashers, as he cracked jokes to her parents. He’s a burely type of man: likes to drink beer, stick his hand down his pants, burps and farts real loud. You ladies know you like it. Admit it.

7. The Wayans Brothers. Whether you like them skinny or muscular, Marlon and Shawn (don’t forget Keenan and Damon!) are some luscious looking funny men who can pull off spoof comedy, like dressing up as spoiled females in the movie White Chicks. Now, come on; what guys could put on tights, masks and make-up and still manage to rock our world?

8. Seth Rogen. There’s something about his curly hair and beer gut that has certain ladies requesting a little Knocked Up 2. It’s simple: He’s the guy who’d be in love with you in high school, but you’d be chasing after the hot jock. Give this funny man a chance. Laughter is the key to a women’s heart and this guys brutal honesty makes him endearing.

9. Will Smith. Although lately he’s made some more serious movies, Will Smith knew how to crack up an audience during his Fresh Prince of Bel-Air days. And he is still making me weak in the knees.

10. Kevin James. Call me a chubby chaser, but I think this guy is adorable. His stand-up is hilarious, his show, The King of Queens, is a modern-day Seinfeld/Married with Children (sans the children), and his Pillsbury doughboy look makes me want to cuddle up with him and watch a movie. Sigh….