This past weekend at a celebrity memorabilia auction in Las Vegas, Larry Birkhead, opportunistic baby daddy extraordinaire, purchased some drawers once worn by the late hot mess Anna Nicole Smith in a Playboy spread.

Birkhead spent a reported $2800 on a pink bustier and white negligee with the intention of someday giving the items to he and Smith’s year-old daughter, Dannielynn. According to one report, Birkhead said he bought the items in the hope that they will someday help Dannielynn understand her mother’s life and that this was definitely NOT a stunt to ensure his F-List ass stays in the papers. For realzies, guys. Make sure you get my good side.

That poor, poor, poor, poor kid. First her mother and brother die, then she’s in the middle of the most sleazeball custody battle of the 21st century, now she’s gifted a piece of her mom’s history as a trashy soft-core porn star? If Dannielynn makes it to the age of fourteen without getting knocked up or becoming a crackhead, she deserves a Nobel Prize.

[Photo courtesy of OK! Magazine]

No, this is not the title of an upcoming episode of the Maury Show. This is the real-life result of the highly anticipated DNA test that was handed down today in a Bahamanian court. It is official, Larry Birkhead is the biological father of Dannielynn Hope Marshall Stern.

Whew… It’s over. It is finally over. I thought most certainly we would invade Iran before the results of this ever-so-important paternity test were revealed. Now we can all return to our regular lives and sleeping patterns knowing that Anna Nicole’s little Dannielynn is safe in baby daddy Birkhead’s arms.

Or can we? It is very unlikely the battle for custody will end here.

TMZ.com reports that Virgie Arthur will continue her fight for custody of the would-be million dollar baby regardless of the outcome of today’s hearing. And although Stern has previously stated that he has no intentions of pursuing custody if Birkhead is named the father, what are the odds that he will just move quitely along?

So to recap for all of you keeping score at home, Larry Birkhead wins round one. But in the end, when the final score is tallied, everyone involved will still remain just a bunch of LOSERS.

Who would make a better baby daddy?