Looks like Lindsay’s heading to the clink.

Rom-coms even your boyf will enjoy.

It’s all about the (adorable) cork this season.

Wanna look like Gaga? It might be dangerous!

Ever wanna know what it’s like to sleep with Hugh Hefner?

Before The Bachelor, there were these low-budget dating shows.

“I’m trying to be the man of her dreams.  That’s why I got this tattoo – to be someone.”  And so began Kasey’s downward spiral on the latest episode of The Bachelorette, which was, without a doubt, the most entertaining part of last night’s episode.  The crem de la crem, of course, was Kasey standing all alone on a glacier in a snow suit with snow whipping in his face, waving at Ali as her helicoptor whisked her and the Wrestler away. It was so awkward, so sad. And I couldn’t even take stock of the moment (read: laugh/celebrate) because I was scared someone was going to forget about him. I was just waiting for the 11 o’clock news to tell me that a frozen body, wrapped in a fake Burberry pashmina, had been discovered on an Icelandic glacier.

And then some other things happened…

Am I the only one who was a little bored with this week’s plotlines?  Paying attention for two hours was an ambitious feat for my attention span, not to mention that the Chris Harrison cameos were few and far between.

Since we’re probably all thinking the same things (there wasn’t much to think about, after all), I’m going to break my commentary down into two simple categories:

More Real Than Someone Who Refers to Himself as Rated-R Standing on a Street Corner Begging for Attention

-Frank admitting he’s written a lot of poems in his day.  Aw, of course he has.  And I bet those silly thick-rim glasses make his poems all the more epic.  What happened to the fun Frank we knew (and I loved) who looked hot for five minutes on the set of the Barenaked Ladies video?  Bring him back.

-Kasey having “frozen lips” during his poetry reading.  The mystery of the mumble continues.  Anyone have an idea as to why he speaks like the teacher from Charlie Brown?  The subtitles did help, though.

-The look on Ali’s face as Kirk was telling her about his…uh, ailment.  It was the blankest of stares, and yet I knew exactly what she was thinking, “Ohmigod I kissed this guy.  Is he going to tell me I need a vaccination now?  Did I catch some creepy disease?  F*ck.”

-Ali asking Roberto if he would ever approach her on the street/ in a non-televised setting.  She then proceeded to tell him, “You’re too hot for me.”  It is the self-doubt that has plagued even the most glamorous of glamazons.  What do you do when “your type” personified walks into your life and *gasp!* might actually seem to like you?  You come up with excuses as to why you must be misinterpreting his signals.  Welcome to the club, Ali.

Faker than Ali’s Smile During the Revelation of Kasey’s Guarded Heart Tattoo

-Chris L.’s inability to ride a horse.  I refuse to believe it.  He’s too cute to be bad at anything.  I’m now putting my fingers in my ears in case anyone tries to argue with me. Lalalalala!

-Craig R.’s faux Kasey-inspired tat.  It was a really funny, and thank God non-permanent, move.  It was good to see this guy has a sense of humor… and you know that totally saved his ass at rose time.

-Chris N. being a jokester .  First of all, he’s barely been shown all season, leaving us all scratching our heads when Ali kept giving him roses. (Editor’s Note: To be fair, he was up against the Weatherman….) When we finally do see him, the dude’s got, like, less than zero personality.  Second, I would like to discuss his awkwardness during the rose ceremony.  At first I was confused, but then I think I figured out why he was so empty behind the eyes and unblinking.  He’s a narcoleptic.  That’s got to be it- he was sleeping with his eyes open during the entire thing.  I bet Chris Harrison swooped in, saving the day as he typically does, and nudged the guy awake in time to receive Ali’s goodbye hug.  Then he fell into a deep slumber during the limo ride home.

As always, if there’s something I’ve forgotten or a point you disagree with, leave your comments below.  I’m really excited to see what happens next week in Turkey with the supposed “one of these guys has a girlfriend” plot line.  Who do we think it is?

….and no I did not pause my TV during the scenes to try and figure out who’s body type matched that of the gray-sweatered cheating bastard running from the room. Who does that?

Booooring.

The Bachelor’s been on so long that it’s starting to look more dated and more scripted than the always-classy Blind Date series of the ’90s. Dating shows in general have become boring and stale. Because, let’s be honest, no one wants to watch one more good-looking-average-Joe go on dates. No, we want to watch full-fledged A-list celebrities who spend more time in tabloids than in the movies and on stage find true love. And of course by true love we mean a relationship that lasts at least three months, tops.

So here’s our plan for the future of reality television. Would you watch? Wait, who are we kidding? Of course you’d watch. If “The Little Chocolatiers” can make it, so can these:

How to Meet a Tabloid Hound in 10 Days

The OXYGEN network and ThxMom4MakingMeFamous productions are proud to present their newest reality show, How to Meet a Tabloid Hound in 10 Days, starring America’s Sweetheart circa 2005, Kate Hudson. Over the course of ten episodes Kate Hudson will date several A-list Hollywood bachelors as she attempts to find one who will ensure she’ll at least get the cover of Star 3 times a month. Each week she’ll narrow down the competition by handing each eligible tabloid hound one of her many rom-com DVDS. (“Will you watch my movie with me?”)But not for dramatic effect, more because no one bought them and the studio’s begging her to find a way to get rid of them.

Boob Jobs & Heart Jobs

This Fall on MTV2, Heidi Montag will search for love among the many unlicensed plastic surgeons of the Hollywood Hills on the soon-to-be-hated hit show Boob Jobs & Heart Jobs. She’ll go on several completely scripted dates with anyone who has access to a scalpel and silicone. And each week will be filled with tension when she eliminates people by handing them photos of herself-pre-plastic-surgery-palooza as well as a recording of her single “Body Language.” Harsh, Heidi!

What Would Jesus Do

Coming this September on TVLand is a new dating show so outrageous and so offensive that the FCC is already getting complaints. The original Lady Gaga, Madonna, will be searching for love on the show What Would Jesus Do. Throughout the season she’ll go on dates with various young models named Jesus. How will she decide who gets to stay and who gets to go? Well the first person to start crying/vomiting during the daily “Stare at my unnatural arms” competition will be asked to leave. The unlucky person will find out he’s a goner when he doesn’t receive a Botox shot during the elimination round.

Mirror, Mirror, On The Wall

This year Youtube and Twitter are coming together for an unprecedented dating show that will make you question the song “your body is a wonderland” for the rest of your life. John Mayer stars in Mirror, Mirror on the Wall, a completely original dating show where John Mayer effectively dates himself by dating various mirrors of all shapes, sizes, and colors. During the elimination round, he’ll hook-up with  the mirrors he wants to stay and then sell the details to whatever tabloid will pay him.

Kate No More Masturbate

Fueling more rumors that TLC has a pact with the Devil, they’ve unsurprisingly present yet another show featuring the completely unlikable mother of 8, Kate Gosselin.  Kate No More Masturbate will feature the “woe is me” single mother going on several dates with grown men who act like little boys. At the end of each episode she’ll gather them all on the interview chair and hand out her children to the men who advance to the next round. Pennsylvania’s child abuse council is already on high alert.

LiLo-Ve

Who says CBS is for grandparents!? This fall season,  they are proud to give America a show that will warm your hearts… by reminding you that it really was for the best that you weren’t a child star. Lindsay Lohan will star in a show titled LiLo-Ve that follows the soon-to-be-felon as she tries to date guys while fooling her ankle bracelet into thinking she’s sober.  At the end of each episode she’ll gather her rag-tag group of men, women, and dogs and give each contestant her a bag of sh*t  to light on fire on her dad’s doorstep. Didn’t receive the flaming poo bag? Looks like you’re going home. Please note that this show was taped in June so it’s premiering this fall whether the talent is dead or alive.

Can You Afford Child Support…

Get ready red states because FOX NEWS is entering the world of reality television. Famed teen mom Bristol Palin will date teenage men in a show called Can You Afford Child Support Because My Mother Only Pays Attention to Me When She Needs to Make a Point. Every week she’ll date various aspiring Playgirl models in an effort to see who has the best connection with her child. What’s her elimination strategy? She’ll hand every contestant that she wants to remain a pamphlet on abstinence taped to a box of condoms.

Justin Bieber Needs a Doctor

Discovery Health gets in on the teeny-bopper scene with their new show, Justin Bieber Needs a Doctor. No seriously the kid needs a doctor. Bieber Fever is officially an epidemic and the only conceivable cure is to find the kid a reputable doctor. Each week he’ll go out on a chaperoned date with various pediatricians who will present him with their scientific cures and/or home remedies for Bieber Fever. Each week he’ll eliminate one doctor by flicking his hair in the direction of those he wants to stay.

Troubles in Therapy

In an unheard of event, every major network will work together to bring you the show Troubles in Therapy, a dating show about Kristen Stewart‘s search for an anti-anti-depressant  that will make her look even more moody and disheveled than ever. She’s given full approval for the show as long as the networks don’t mind when she complains about how much she hates the show. What’s her elimination secret? She’ll hand all the lucky contestants a lock of her greasy hair.

Shirtless Love

Lifetime’s new teen girl network LifetimeLittleLadies brings you the show that’s sure to be a hit this season. Taylor Lautner stars in Shirtless Love,an innovative dating show where Taylor Lautner spends every single episode topless. The women will spend the majority of the episodes staring at his abs and actually attempting to wash clothes on them. At no point will his face be featured on camera. He’ll eliminate woman by bringing them into a private room and putting his shit on. Burn.

T.B.A

And EXTRA EXCLUSIVE, The TV Guide channel just bought exclusive rights to still unnamed Suri Cruise dating show debuting in 2011.  While the exact premise is still being developed, potential contestants are being assured that her height won’t be an issue. But is it ever an issue when you own 500 pairs of heels?

After three glorious days of hopping from the beach to happy hour to the strobe of light of the dance floor, I finally returned last night to reality and reality TV.  What better way to cap off Memorial Day 2010 than with two hours of The Bachelorette?  I was scared I might not make it through the gridlock Jersey shore traffic in time for the show, but stopped to ask myself, “What would Chris Harrison do?”  In a sudden moment of clarity, I added a little height to my poof, hit the gas, and zoomed up the shoulder of the highway making it to my nearest relative’s home in record time.  (Please don’t think I’m joking when I say that because I didn’t have time to make it home to my own TV, I borrowed someone else’s.)

Now that we’re all through with episode two, let’s get down to business and rip this tragedy apart.  Ali wined and dined and made out with her remaining fellas on dates that would never occur in real life.  I believe it was Frank who confessed, somewhat surprised, that his trip to the Hollywood sign was the best date of his life.   Screaming at the TV, I wondered who asked this genius to be on the show in the first place.  Come on buddy, ABC isn’t going to send you to a bad Chinese restaurant and a sappy romantic comedy.  They go big and you go along for the ride, duh!

This week’s group date was a “Sexy Guy Calendar” photo shoot that left me cringing instead of swooning.  I would like to shake my finger in the face of whoever selected the participants for these dates.  They left all the sexiest guys on the sidelines for a photo shoot that was practically named in their honor.  While no one exactly rocked the beach bum look, Jonathan/Weatherman freaked out over wearing a Speedo, almost refusing to put it on at all.  (Perhaps, I wonder, because he has a…little…problem?)

We also saw that that’s not all Weatherman found fault with as he feuded with Craig M./the guy who kinda looks like McDreamy if you squint.  Can I get a weigh in on this?  Who’s the bigger jerk in the situation?  And more importantly, did everyone catch the part when Weatherman let slip that he has a brown belt in karate?  That must be why Ali gave him a rose in the end, because I swear to God I have no idea what else she could have found appealing about him.

One of my pre-season favorites, Jesse, went on the one-on-one Vegas date and – damn – does that man clean up.  The sexy black tie, monogrammed cufflinks, and cherry red Ferrari encouraged me to overlook his frat-tastic tribal tattoo.  I was jumping for joy when he was offered a rose because now we know Ali has at least one solid guy going into round three next week.

Can anyone guess who I missed seeing the most in tonight’s episode?  If you guessed the Snuggle Bear aka Hunter, you’d be correct.  He must have been doing everyone’s laundry in the background because he was nowhere to be seen.  In a miraculous Bachelorette moment, however, Ali called his name during the rose ceremony and invited him to stay on for another week.  I can only assume it’s because she wants to get to know him more intimately before asking if he gets free fabric softener.

My opinion for this season’s front-runners: Jesse, Chris L., Ty, and Roberto (I can’t really read his personality, but Ali literally melts around this guy).

Why the hell didn’t he get a rose? Precious Chris H.!  Come on!  He was really, really, ridiculously good looking!

What were your thoughts for this week’s keepers?  Who would you have liked to see kicked off?  Is there any hope for Ali picking a decent guy?  Why did the Weatherman get a rose?  Sound off in the comments below.

Last night I had a dilemma. A major dilemma. Involving TV.

You see, I wasn’t sure which I wanted – no, needed – to watch more: the Paris Hilton documentary on MTV, or More To Love, Fox’s newest dating show.

It was a tough call, but being that MTV shows everything 4,367 times, I went with More To Love.

Ever since I heard about this “Bachelor for real people” I was intrigued. Having grown up overweight (and not had my first kiss until the ripe age of 18!), I really got behind a show that didn’t focus on looks and really just gave everyone a chance at love. Or as much “love” as you can get by meeting someone through a reality show on Fox.

I settled in front of the TV with some (fat free!) frozen yogurt, excited for the “real” people that were about to find their soul mates. And what did I find? 60 minutes of sound bites for the likes of Chelsea Handler, Joel McHale and every blogger on the internet to rip into women with already questionable self esteem.

Seriously, even I couldn’t hold back on the jokes. And that’s bad.

There is so much wrong with this show that I don’t even know where to start. Lucky for you, I got really good at taking notes on my iPhone while watching, so here are some of my biggest issues with More To Love:

1. It is not for “normal” people. Instead, it is for beautiful women who happen to be really large. The “average” size of a woman in this country is a 12-16, not the 24-32 that was walking into the house last night. Obviously, these women are all gorgeous (not that their dresses helped, but we’ll get to that), but it is clear that Fox was trying to get some big ladies up in there for shock value.

2. The show is 100% about weight. I wouldn’t have a problem with discussing weight and weight issues on TV (hellooooo, Biggest Loser!), but this is supposed to be a show about finding love. That’s it. Why must every single person’s name, age, hometown, job and WEIGHT IN POUNDS be flashed on the screen whenever they speak!? Isn’t the show about falling in love based on what’s inside, not whatever number is being flashed to millions of Americans?

3. The dresses. It is clear that whoever dressed these women has never worked with a full figure before. The quadra-boob ratio was out of control, as were very unflattering cuts and shapes. And don’t even get me started on the hair-dos or makeup.

4. They were feeding the women. Meat. On a stick. Have you EVER seen anyone eating on The Bachelor? I think not.

5. Fox is taking advantage of vulnerable women. I’m not going to lie, I cried a bit last night when one of the girls mentioned how she’d never been on a date. I totally felt her pain. But then I had to wonder if Fox was bringing her on this show to find her love, or take advantage of the fact that she (and many of the other women) were extremely vulnerable with low self esteem, thus making some great TV.

6. The girl in the pool. I know that the creators have no control over what these women do, but I don’t think they needed to edit in that little bit where one lady jumped out of the pool in the most unflattering. possible. way. It was just plain mean.

The Pregnant Man – Thomas Beattie became the sensation of the world in April when he appeared on Oprah to defend his choice to have a child as a transgendered man. Sticking up for your beliefs? Awesome, and definitely commendable. Eventually turning into a fame slut and marketing out your second pregnancy? Not cool. Now pregnant with his second child, Beattie has already cemented a book deal on his experience and been interviewed a second time as a ‘Barbara Walters Exclusive.’ One child is a miracle. A second one immediately afterwards is a marketing scheme.

Batsh** Insane Celebrities Across The Media - Britney, Lindsey, and others: we’re talking to you. 2008 was the year of the mental millionaire, with the world playing a captive audience to the tragic, bizarre, and sometimes just eerie behavior of celebrities. We watched Britney Spears struggle to put her life back together after divorce, Lindsey Lohan battling various addictions, and Scarlett Johansson crossing the borderline into stalker-ish about Barack Obama. Here’s the real scoop: an estimated 57.7 million adults are suffering from a diagnosable mental illness in the United States alone. What makes these celebrities any different from these people who are suffering in private besides their income and the paparazzi that shadow them? Watching people suffer is definitely a trend that shouldn’t cross over into ’09.

“Reality” Dating Shows - Now that Flavor Flav has finally hung up his clock and gone off the air, there are about thirty shows taking his place, and they’re spreading like cockroaches. Tila Tequila, the ‘Ikki Twins,’ and others are taking over Vh1 and MTV mercilessly, swamping our televisions with drunken fights (actually funny to watch), and pointless drama. Who makes their boyfriends/girlfriends eat nasty pig parts and do bizarre things in the name of love? These loveless actors do. Some dating shows range from the creepy (Date My Mom) to the outright postmortem (The Bachelor), but either way, they all need to go.

Political Ignorance/Apathy – In the year of the historical election, political action was awesome and political apathy was absolutely the anti-cool. The worst of the worse were the nonpartisans who were both apathetic and uneducated about the election. Their “why should I bother to vote” statements were both inhibiting to the democratic tradition and simply irritating. Guaranteed to piss off people who were voting, the ‘Not Voting’ demographic drew on fallacies and the platforms that they didn’t really understand to prove why they weren’t going to vote. The election was basically a two horse race, but there were still other entries available as an alternate, so not voting at all was just not cool.

Guys in Girl Jeans – It’s creepy. It’s weird. It’s a guy shopping in the same section as you in PacSun. As you put down the pair of sunglasses you were looking at and openly stare, you realize he’s not just shopping for a shirt to give to his girlfriend. He’s holding three pairs of jeans in his hand, and there’s no girlfriend in sight. As you watch, he takes the jeans and starts walking to the dressing rooms. You are not witnessing a confused shopper. You’re witnessing the Girl Jean Phenomenon, a plague of 2008 pop culture, and a trend that needs to die on December 31st. Guys wearing our jeans is not cool or edgy. It’s just lame and, now, overplayed.

Saturday Night Live – Is it still going? It’s been in the process of becoming painfully unfunny in the years since Will Ferrell left, and now with the exit of Amy Poehler, we just need to euthanize it. A classic sketch show that began in 1975 with genuinely funny people, SNL has run over six hundred episodes of pure comedic bliss continuously for thirty-three years. As with all great series, though, the time has come to put SNL out of its misery before it becomes the kind of joke it used to make.

Churning Out Tween Pop Stars By The Dozen – If child enslavement was defined as being manufactured on a kids’ show and being shoved on the masses, Disney and Nickelodeon would be doing massive amounts of time in jail. The list of sugary sweet music artists includes, but definitely is not limited to The Jonas Brothers, Hannah Montana, Demi What’s-Her-Name, That Miranda Kid, and a host of others, few if any of whom have actual talent. But you wouldn’t know, because should you approach any method of media that is playing a song by them, you’ll be deafened instantly and hopelessly by the cacophony of shrieking that erupts. The Original Disney Channel Star, Hilary Duff, unfortunately started it all when she split from Disney in 2004 to pursue a solo career (which caused a big fuss, if I remember right). She was an original, at least for the Disney Channel. These cookie cutter kids? About as generic as it gets.

Agree or disagree? Think something else should have made the list? Voice your opinions below, and tell us what you think about the worst pop culture in 2008!

DeAnna took the remaining three fellas on a date to the Bahamas. If the boys couldn’t cut loose, enjoy themselves, and win her over in a tropical locale, then there was no hope for ‘em.Jeremy went first. Poor Jer. Stiff, unfunny, a hopeless romantic who’s almost too right for DeAnna. Their date was lackluster. The only thing I wrote down in my notes while I watched was: Grand Bahama Island (the name of the resort) and “Burgers for dinner?” If my mind wandered, DeAnna’s must have too.

My main man Jason turned everything around. He made DeAnna laugh, and insisted on not boring her with talk about his kid. They smiled, and unlike the other two dates, both of them seem like better, more fulfilled people when they’re together.

And then there’s the wild card: Jesse. Who knew he would last this long? The two of them rode horses on the beach. Then he finally put the humorous side away and asked DeAnna some tough questions about how their lives would merge should they get married. Kids, commuting to Colorado, the works. I admire the fact that he’s taking this so seriously, but whenever I see DeAnna and Jesse together I just see good friends. They’re the reality show equivalent of Duckie and Andie, and we know how that one ends.

So not surprisingly, Jeremy was given the boot tonight. He went from heartbroken, to angry, to a guilt-tripping jerk, to depressed and out of it in about 60 seconds of footage. The drama continued on tonight’s reunion episode when he still didn’t seem to understand why DeAnna didn’t choose him.

So we’ve got the finale next week. Here’s my final power ranking:

1. Jason – If he doesn’t walk away with the girl on his arm then I will eat my hat. Seriously. Cover it in ketchup.

2. Jesse – Fun guy, great heart, but just not right for this. Next year’s Bachelor? That could be fun.

What do you think ladies? Anyone think Jesse can pull off the upset?

Chad escorted out immediately and is off the show. They don’t f*ck around. I take back my wanting to have a drink with Chad.

Is Bo missing teeth? OMG, he is spitting out so much blood, call freaking 911 already and stop standing around asking if he’s okay.

On cue, Glitter cries.

Bo must be SO pissed off. I can’t believe that he was able to keep himself from punching back; I don’t doubt his ability to defend himself. Off to the hospital he goes.

In the morning, Tila learns about the fight.

She doesn’t look good without make up. Tila cries some fake tears upon hearing the news. Or maybe these are real tears because someone got hurt over her fake ass show. That is nice of her to call Bo. I can’t believe that Scotty and Jay are the only guys remaining. I mean, Jay? Yuck.

BO NEEDS SURGERY??? This is horrific. I cannot believe that his jaw is broken and I really feel sorry for him.

Tila decides that with all of the drama that everyone needs to get out. Everyone is way too excited about it – I wonder how long it’s been. Ha, Tila goes to dinner in a separate car and what, is George coming back? Awwwww. But what’s with the rose — why does everyone think that this is the Bachelor?

Everyone is really excited to see George. Jay is quiet – probably because he has to sit with the fact that he instigated the fight and that because he was a punk someone is in the hospital (and *sniff* he lost his best friend in the house).

Whoa, Boston Michelle – where have you been? Jay is being a baby like ‘you eliminated George for a reason.’

Lisa Rizzo asks Tila why she eliminated George. Lisa’s hot. She busts out with, “I think Tila’s fake as hell.” HAAAAA!!!! We have a mental connection, me and Lisa.

After dinner, Tila goes up to her room to call her real-life boyfriend to complain about having ot hang out with the cast, Bo’s recovering from surgery and everyone else stays up to wear cowboy hats to ride the pole.

Bo and his busted jaw return to the house the next day. He’s not screwing around – he either really wants to be on TV or really wants to win.

There is a plate in his chin. He didn’t lose teeth; it just looked like it because of the split jaw. Geeeeeze.

Jay apologizes to Bo because he knows that he’s gonna go home if Tila gets wind of what he did. Shut up, Jay. Bo accepts it, but I don’t.

Oh, damn, there’s gonna be a stupid challenge. I like the show better with fighting and no challenges. Bo can’t participate and because there is an uneven number, someone has to sit out. Lisa and whomever is her partner will win so I won’t bother explaining the game.

I called it, Lisa and Brittany win. The best part of that is that before the game, Brittany said, “If we win, don’t eliminate me” because everyone who goes on a date with Lisa is eliminated.

Tila spends time with Brittany first. Tila’s comments about the contestants are so generic, I love it. “She’s a fun girl, but she has a serious side, too.” Really, Tila, what else did they write on the cue cards for you?

Next up – Lisa time. Tila confronts her on the ‘fake’ shizz. I love that Lisa can’t take the crying and walks out pissed off. Tila actually goes out to her and I’m surprised. A producer must have told her to do that because they needed more footage.

Eliminations

Tila calls down Lisa first and after a big old make out, decides to keep her around.

The last four standing are Jay, Boston Michelle, Sirbrina and Brittany.

Sirbrina is out. And so is Boston Michelle with her fab accent.

I don’t know what happens next time; I was too busy — doing — I don’t know. I’m sure I’ll see a commercial and figure it out.

Yeah, I do not concur with Bret on that.

I missed the first four minutes of the show but that doesn’t matter because my Trantastique is back with the subtitles! I’ve missed her so. Aubrey calls her a man and Bret insists that Trantastique is all woman which is kind of terrfying if you think about how up close you know Bret got to that. Poor thing had to quit stripping because everyone just wanted to talk to her and wouldn’t let her take off her clothes. I would want to just talk to her, too. She gives Bret a last lap dance and I am overwhelmed by her thoughtfulness.

I love that Ricky Rachtman hosts this mess. He needs to be way more famous, because I can’t link him to anything good.

Destiney is up next and looking fab without tons of make up. She is still the voice of reason in saying that maybe if she’d had more time that she could have fallen in love with Bret. Yeah, two hours of alone time within the span of one month isn’t enough.

Ricky talks about Destiney’s cool dad and they show the clip from when he visited the house. Destiney, please don’t cry. Now I am crying, too. Please announce that he is still alive and don’t play “Give Me Something to Believe In“, you are killing me, VH1. Even Bret is crying. Destiney’s dad died two weeks before the reunion was taped and I desperately need a commercial break right now.

I dry my tears in time for Kristy Joe and her crazy. Ricky says that he can get her tissues and prozac and Ricky needs to meet me for a drink. Especially after: “Daisy, do you live with your boyfriend? No? Kristy Joe, are you married and do you live with your husband? Okay.” I guess KJ committed to six months of counseling with her husband after the show or something. I don’t care so I didn’t pay attention. Aubrey-KJ montage? I love it. It’s quasi-lesbionic and totally funny.

Now Peyton and the whiskey voice take us into another commercial break with her cool singing.

Heather returns yet again and what is she wearing? That’s far too much coat and a truck load of spangles. She must have become a psychic reader since we last saw her but I cannot otherwise explain this outfit. Good idea, VH1, let’s review the drink in the face scene. Oh, even better, let Heather and Daisy share a couch. What’s up with Daisy’s skunk hair? Since when can Daisy speak like coherent sentences???

Daisy was upset about the lingerie store date because while she’s made great strides, Daisy still does not own the vocabulary skills that will allow her to say that Bret objectified her. She’s also pissed that on the last night in Mexico Bret took advantage of her by sleeping with her. Then Heather is calling her a whore and they fight which is so amusing because ultimately, they are both runners up in this mess. OMG, Daisy cleverly called Heather Stevie Nicks which inevitably dissolves into a hair pulling cat fight. Wow. Strippers are viscous.

Post commercial break, Daisy returns and we have to relive Ambre’s win. I hate her bangs but I’m glad that her hair is now one color. Bret almost eliminated Ambre because he thought that she was on the phone with a boyfriend on the first night. Thank goodness for karma and fate interfering because life would not be right had Bret not had been able to add Ambre to the ‘contestants with whom I had sex’ list.

Bret saw Ambre after the show wrapped, which is totally against the rules of any dating show on TV. If I find out that there’s gonna be a ROL 3, I swear, I’m going to throw my television from the roof of my apartment building.

Amber thinks that Bret can be faithful despite being on the road and the groupies. Are those new boobies? Are her answers rehearsed? So – looks like Bret and Ambre are going to date. Okay…

So that was boring. Perhaps had I had some backstage access, I would have been far more entertained. I mean, no Stupid Megan? I needed more comments from the Aubry peanut gallery. I needed more of – anything.

After all of that, the only question that remains for me is what will become of my Trantastique?

In the meantime, I thank you for watching with me, but let’s not rule out a third installment of this genius maximus of TV. Do you REALLY think that Mr. Michaels and Ms. Lake will last?

Last time

Episode 6 starts bright and early in the morning. Bret wakes up the girls and Big John, who I find to be more and more intriguing with each episode, hands Pey-ton a Bret-O-Gram (what the hell are they calling these?) to read aloud outlining the challenge for the day.

Where is Bret from, like, Pittsburgh? Any Pittsburgh girls want to come out and tell me if there are any cowboys out where you are?

I ask because the challenge is broken down into three events involving greased pigs, lassoing and horses. Anyway, Rodeo and her “hellish laugh” come out on a horse to help with the Rocker Rodeo Relay and I hate the people who named this challenge. Just like the Mud Bowl, there will be two teams and the MVP will win a solo date while the remaining winning team members get a group date.

Team captains again get to choose their teammates. Catherine and her beehive lead the blue team (Inna, Peyton, Daisy and Megan) and Ambre leads the red team (Destiney, KJ and Jesssica).

Stupid Megan thinks that the girls are jealous of her hotness and that’s why no one picks her. No, stupid, it’s because you probably don’t understand the rules of the games without diagrams and finger paint.

I can’t even figure out what’s going on with the lasso. Are they lassoing a bale of hay? The horses just ran off. Do we need the horses?

Turns out that we do – Catherine and Ambre have to ride them like 20 feet – and that’s it? They just ride them?

All of a sudden we’re on to pig wrangling? They have to get the bandanas off of these greased pigs. Oooh, okay. Suddenly, I think that I know how Megan feels.

Again, what’s up with all of the exposed tummies? And what’s the point of Rodeo even showing up for this episode? None? Just checking.

Daisy the Blowfish thinks that the pigs went to college because they are so smart. The pigs have one strategy: to not be touched by the belly exposing skanks. No college involved. I promise.

So the red team wins because Do Nothing Jessica DID something. She grabs the final bandana! She speaks! And she wins MVP!

The group date is later on that night and KJ, Destiney and Ambre are going with Bret to a restaurant called Opaque. Bret calls it “fine dining in complete darkness.” Yeah, allow me to disagree on that, my friend, since we all know what’s going to go down. Why are they bothering with the food? Oh, great, night vision cameras. Because the sound effects wouldn’t be enough.

Ambre is talking about being a cheerleader in high school in 1963 or whatever and KJ is alllll over Bret; so much so that he can’t hear Ambre. How can she not hear the make out sounds? Then KJ turns freak and a little violent and Destiney and Ambre get wise to what might be going on. When KJ and Destiney go to the ladies room (at least they don’t have to pee in total darkness) Ambre pounces on Bret and WTF? How is the place a real restaurant? Who EATS there? I cannot take this show right now.

At the end of the date, Bret camera-defines the experience as having “brought out our other senses” and by senses he means saliva and an erection.

After the date, Bret chooses to spend time with Kristy Queen of Restraining Orders Joe. Everyone gets super pissed off but they can all keep their spandex on; Bret chose to hang with her.

KJ is wrapped in a blanket that belongs on Flav’s floor and Bret tells her that he wants her to be emotionally available and then seems to not really trust her – but then he asks her to stay in his room and “cuddle.” Bret Michaels doesn’t cuddle. Just a hunch.

The best part of this is that Daisy appears to be waiting outside of Bret’s locked doors as the hours tick by. Ha.

Poor Catherine, who never had a date, makes breakfast for Bret so that she can force her own date on him. Megan calls Catherine an old horse that needs to be shot! Can’t someone bust out with the Beauty and the Geek 2 revelation already?

Bret is clearly worn out from all of that cuddling and Catherine wakes him up to make him eat – what did she make? I can’t tell. She ends up kissing him and all I’m thinking is that he tastes like morning breath, breakfast food and KJ. Plus, he had sex with Daisy on those sheets. Catherine’s leg should be burning any second now…

So this is the day of the solo date and Jessica’s camera time after like 20 episodes. She’s a pretty girl and she seems really sweet so now I kind of feel badly for ragging on her do nothing status. Even though she appeared to totally do nothing before. Anyway –

They’re paintballing for their date, which seems like fun. Big John is going to serve as the sniper – which is fitting since we learn that Big John is a US Marine. And he was a sniper. Can Big John have an episode dedicated to him? After Trantastique, I’d totally spend a lot of house time with Big John.

So anyway blah blah paintball and Jessica and Bret sit down together for dinner and when Jessica says to Bret, “You make me feel safe” she makes me feel pretty nauseated. HOW could he possibly make you feel safe? You don’t mean emotionally, right, since there are 80 other women competing for his affection?

Bret and Jessica return so that Bret can prep for eliminations! Finally!!

Daisy the Blowfish is a big fan of “I don’t know what Bret’s talking about” and “I’m freaking out.” Like we hear these phrases come out of her mouth at each elimination. I expect more from someone who’s slept with him. You should know him a little bit better than I do, since I don’t find him confusing and I know him from the comfort of my couch.

I’m afraid that Pey-ton and Catherine are leaving but I hope that somehow Megan is sent home.

Bret’s eyeliner is on THICK. John’s wearing a bandana and I’m disappointed because I like to see his hair.

Jessica gets the first pass and it is utter cuteness. There are puppies and kittens everywhere.

Stupid Megan is still in. Destiney’s bustier is from the Frederick’s of Hollywood catalog. I totally almost bought it in black for Halloween.

It’s down to Inna, Catherine and Peyton and I was totally right – Peyton and Catherine are sent home. Bret tells Peyton that he wants to keep her as a friend which makes me sad for her because she actually seemed to want to be with him.

Catherine is surrounded by the sweet guitar music from the first episode as she says goodbye. As she and her beehive depart, I know that she too was probably there for Bret. And yet stupid Megan is still standing.

Next time: Stripping for the USO. KJ is there for her career – she has a career? And the one with the most stripperish name (talking to you, Destiney) calls her out for that.