So that time of year is creeping up on us. The time when we must throw some clothes into duffel, fill the rest of the bag with dirty laundry, kiss our roommate and our bottle of vodka goodbye, and head home for fall break.

Yes, there are many up-sides to this little trip: we get a break from all the homework, we get to eat something other then cafeteria mystery meat for a change, and we get to curl up with Scruffy on the couch for a couple of days.

But with the comfort of being home comes a few downers as well. And I’m not talking about being woken up at 9am on a Saturday or having to empty the dishwasher. It’s those little comments from mom and dad that really get under your skin. And no matter how hard you try to be nice, you just can’t help but snap, say something mean and beeline to the car/airport (clean clothes and leftovers in hand, obvi) as soon as humanly possible.

Here are a few of the worst offenders:

“Honey, your pants look a little tight”
Yes mom, I realize that drinking 5 days out of the week and eating delivery pizza has done a number on my waistline. Am I happy about it? No. Do I know it is there? Yes. Is it helping that you pinch the muffin top and poke the underarm flab? Absolutely not!

“Have you found a nice boy yet?”
If by “nice” you mean “a tall pre-med student who considers hanging out in the library fun,” then no, dad, I have not found your ideal son-in-law quite yet. But I have hooked up with a couple of the guys on the football team who can barely form coherent sentences but have 8-pack stomachs you can bounce a quarter off of, if that counts for anything. Read More »

I decided to take a different approach to this weekend’s Saturday Read. Usually, I try to recommend my readers a great book. But this week, I’m looking to use a book to make a point.

“I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell” is a controversial memoir by Tucker Max. If you read this website as religiously as I do, you know all about our feelings on this guy. If you are a newcomer and or live under a rock somewhere and have never heard of Max, here is his life:

Average guy.
Started a website.
Sleeps with women.
Posts his stories about the horrible things he does to said women.
Published this book and then turned it into a movie.
Guys laugh. Girls laugh.

Now, let me just say this as my disclaimer: I DO NOT AGREE WITH TUCKER MAX. I don’t think that any of the things that he does to women are right and, if they happened to me, I’m sure I would have some psychological damage. However, I have a hard time believing the truth in all of his stories (as 10% of a biography or memoir can be embellished). If you’ve read the book, you know the ridiculous things I’m talking about. And, yes, assuming that his stories are somehow exaggerated does make me feel a bit less guilty while laughing at them.

But, my point… Read More »

Though we hate it when guys call us crazy/psycho, every girl out there has had their moment. For me, it was when I drafted an email to a non-existent person and “accidentally” sent it to my crush, forcing him to write back. Or the time I called a different crush’s work and used a fake name to see if he was indeed working late or just lying to me to hook up with some other girl. Or when I used to walk by yet another crush’s dorm to see if his light was on and if he was home.

Ok, so I’ve had my fair share of crazy-time, but it’s not my fault. I’m not a crazy person – boys just make me that way. And I know you ladies can relate.

After leaving a long, drunken voicemail for my newest conquest last weekend (“I don’t understand why you’re not calling me. I like you. Do you like me? Oh god I sound crazy. I’m not cra-” This is where my friend grabbed the phone and threw it across the room…), I sobered up, wiped up my dignity and deleted his number from my phone.

Then, as I sat indulging in some pretzels dipped in frosting, I started wondering what other girls were taking a ride on the crazy train. While no one wanted to admit it, I forced the CollegeCandy writers to fess up to their lowest moments. Read More »

There’s an app for that.

Who’s stalking Nicolas Cage?

University athletes create a disturbing Facebook group.

More bad news for Jessica Simpson.

10 dating mistakes men make.

Shakira’s new ‘do is a major don’t.

While signing my life away last year… I mean, my apartment lease… many things crossed my mind:

1)   No more crappy cafeteria food!
2)   Yay for bonding! We’ll be all up in each other’s business all the time.
3)   We’ll have so much in common – we all have boyfriends!

Now this has become two (sorta) truths and a lie. I went from cafeteria food to massive amounts of frozen food shipped from my loving mother. (What can I say? She refused to let me live on Ramen.) And being all up in each other’s business turned out to be more than I bargained for. Think assigned chores, paying rent, and dealing with cockroaches when we moved in (still makes me shudder!). And as you may have already guessed, the boyfriend and I broke up. So that leaves (put your hands up!) a single, independent woman who apparently makes references to Beyonce songs when she talks about herself.

Yes, I’m single and living with three other girls in relationships. Read More »

What is he thinking?!

Got a little question for Tuffy Luv? She’s got a little answer for you! Email questions to TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com for a chance to be featured in the Tuffster’s column.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

So, I have a cozy, late-night nookie friend.

We’re not overly compatible in the sobering light of day, and we’re both unusually insecure, so the unspoken rule seems to be every couple of weeks or more. Emails are sporadic and sweet, for reasons that any of you who’ve ever binged on ice cream before or heard the chorus of the Elliott Smith song “Ballad of Big Nothing” will know.

I disappeared this summer, so falling back into a routine feels like navigating the bumpy straits of first acquaintance all over again. We’ve only seen each other three times this fall, but a few weeks ago, maybe moved by birthday drinks or the card that I sent him, he sent me an email telling me to barge in whenever I felt like it. Read More »

See ya later, Single Status!

It’s weird how it happens. One day you’re screaming “THIS IS MY SONG!” every time “Single Ladies” comes on at the bar, and the next…well, you’re doing the same thing, but it’s not actually true. After just over two years of being the most single person on the planet, I actually took the dive. It happened really unexpectedly with a cute acquaintance I have known for years. We started talking a little more, and things took off out of nowhere.

I used to want to jack people in the face when they said, “When you stop looking for a boyfriend, you’ll get one.” And even though that is exactly what happened, that’s still really annoying advice. I think I hate it largely because it takes the situation out of your hands; as if you have to be in some sort of cosmic state of perfect personal balance just to get a damn date. I think a better way to phrase the advice is this:

Beating yourself up over not having a boyfriend or becoming depressed that “there’s no one out there” isn’t going to make your perfect mate appear out of thin are. There are times when 5 guys ask you out in a week, and there are times when your only male interaction for months is with your Environmental Science professor (hopefully not the wrong kind of interaction…). You can control your love life, but only to a certain extent. You don’t completely control who you meet, when you meet them, or (even as much as we try) how they feel about you. Read More »

Stay away. Stay far, far away.

Making your way through the landmine that is the world of college dating is tricky. You have to make sure to bypass the clingy, the crazy and the man-whores before you can settle down in a safe zone. But just like my favorite computer procrastination game, Minesweeper, there are red flags that you have to pay heed to, lest you detonate a mine, or a relationship gone sour.

Red Flag #5: His idea of a date is using a meal swipe on you at the dining hall. I see a long line of Denny’s dates in your future.

Red Flag #4: You finally get invited to spend the night in his dorm room. But upon arriving you notice his collection of navel fluff in jars lining his book shelves. If the guy is collecting his own belly button lint, chances are you were going to wake up later that night and find him finger-diving for yours.

Red Flag #3: The only time he ever calls you is to ask if you’ve filled your Adderall prescription. Your doctor-diagnosed disease has turned you into his and his friends personal drug-dealer come exam time. You have to ask yourself, does he love you or your ADD?

Red Flag #2: We all want our roommates to like our boyfriends. It makes it easier to sexile them come the weekend. But if you find him spending more time with her than with you, don’t ignore this red flag. Unless you’re interested in a threesome, don’t be surprised if you wake up and he’s spooning your roomie instead of you. Read More »

Long distance relationships suck. End of story. But what about semi-long distance relationships? You know, the guys who live all the way on the other side of campus. Sure, it may only be a mile but that’s like having hoes in different area codes when you’re in college. There are different restaurants over there, different bars; it’s a whole new world.

I recently ended things with a guy who lived across campus. The whole thing was just so hard. Everything was such a process and neither of us ever wanted to go back to the other’s place just knowing how freaking long that walk home would be (or how expensive the cab ride). I tried to make it work but our combined laziness made it impossible. So I shipped him off to his side of campus and decided to look closer to home for my newest conquest.

And I found one who lived just up the street. Score! My life was now complete, right? Well, sorta. Turns out, dating a guy close to home has its own set of problems. And by problems I mean I never know when he’s gonna pop up on my walk home. From the gym. When I’m a hot, sweaty mess.

I’m sorta stuck at the moment on what would make the best no-strings-attached situation, so I decided to make a list weighing out the benefits of dating a neighbor vs. doing the cross-campus booty commute. Let’s see what we’re dealing with: Read More »

I went to college hoping to graduate with my M.R.S. degree. Little did I know that instead of perusing the collegiate hallways for my future husband, I should have just shacked up with my parent’s handy man.

According to an academic report published in the European Journal of Operational Research, women looking for a long-lasting, loving marriage should settle down with a man five or more years older, who has received less education than they have. Scientists tracked 1,000 couples who were either married or in serious relationships over five years. Their research suggested that if neither partner had been previously divorced and their age and education fell within the guidelines, marital bliss was sure to ensue.

Older and dumber = happily married? So what you’re telling me is, I’ll have better success in my marriage if I settle down with a man in his mid-30s still working on receiving his high school degree rather than the Ivy League graduate or the hottie sitting next to me in Chem?

I don’t know how my parents will feel about this.
Sigh.
I don’t know how I feel about this.

I always envisioned myself with a handsome man, probably younger than me due to my cougar-ish nature, who is a gentleman and a scholar. He would challenge me intellectually and look damn good in a pair of jeans. Now it seems the criteria for my future mate has changed.

He must not be able to read.
Extra points if he’s going bald. Read More »