Dear Dude,

I have been with my wonderful boyfriend for 1.5 years. He is from Michigan, which is where all of his family and friends are. We recently moved in with each other. He told me in the beginning that he had a lot of female friends and if I had a problem with it that we wouldn’t work out. That was fine for me because I also have male friends.

A few weeks ago his ex girlfriend of three years contacted him. He used to say that he couldn’t stand her and wanted nothing to do with her because she did him so wrong. Now every time he tries to show me something on his phone, I see a text message or the last call is from his ex. It’s not as if it’s a friend that has kept in touch with for a long time over the years, it’s an ex he couldn’t stand and now all of the sudden they have this friendship.

It really does bother me, but I feel like I can’t say anything because he said if he can’t have female friends then he and I won’t work out. He was almost engaged to this person and brags about how they never used to fight. This is making me feel very insecure. What do I do?

Thanks!

Dear…Stormageddon (When you don’t provide a pseudonym I get to make up my own!)

There’s not wanting to make him think you can’t handle the situation and then there’s not handling the situation. Right now, it sounds like you’re dangerously close to falling off the edge here.

I’ll present you with a simple choice to make: either destroy your relationship by driving yourself crazy, or run the risk of driving him crazy, which, honestly, you won’t do if you TALK TO HIM!

Everybody all together now: communication is key. It’s such a simple but essential guideline maintaining a healthy relationship or rescuing one that’s trapped in a Pandorica of emotional baggage. You’ve got to talk about what’s bothering you. And so long as you do it with clarity when you approach him, you’re not going to trip his trigger.

You being upset about him getting back on friendly terms with an ex he led you to believe he couldn’t stand isn’t the same as being upset that he has female friends. Apples and nectarines. Make that clear with him. It’s not about “women” in his life, it’s confusion and insecurity due to the contradiction of what he says and does with regards to her. That’s where it’s coming from, he looks suspicious because he says one thing but is doing another and, yeah, I’d get edgy if I were you, too. Hiding it is only going to make things worse.

Why’s he talking to an ex he claims he couldn’t stand? Because guys will do that. Sorry to sound general but, yeah, we do that. We have communication with our exes who pulverized our hearts into a million bazillion pieces. Sometimes it’s nostalgia, wanting to get some closure and not feel like we wasted our feelings on a complete bitch, that we want to come off as the bigger person, and on rare occasion because there are those lingering feelings we like to keep a bit of a tie to. Let’s face it, we’ve all got people from our past that we still have a “what if” thought about at times. And this could be that person for him. And you may have to deal with that. Or not. You won’t know until you talk to him.

Don’t drive yourself to the nunnery because you bottle up your worries. Be clear, decisive and honest. Then, listen. You may not like the answer but at the very least you’ll make him aware that you’re upset and why you’re upset. At the worst, you’ll have to deal with his behavior and deal with his insecurity. The choice is yours.

Mission Accepted,

The Dude

I’m the Dude with a blue box called the Tardis that allows me to explore the ends of time and space-wait that’s another guy with a ‘D’ sounding name isn’t it? Better than that, I’m a Dude that knows the inner workings of Dudes and I’m ready to spill all, whether you’re ready or not. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com.

No, not the guy on the side of my actual relationship — I don’t have a real boyfriend either. I had boy reserved for cold New York nights when I felt particularly needy for human affection. Hey, no one is immune and dating is difficult. Any single girl in the city who refuses to date “just anyone” for the sake of having a boyfriend will say the same. Which is why I have a backup boyfriend, someone who can play the role when you need a night of pretending. I’ll call him Smith.

Smith is a few years older than me, incredibly intelligent, beautiful and in a band. You’re thinking, “Why the hell isn’t he your actual boyfriend?” Well, I have a long (and rather entertaining) history of dealing with men like Smith. They weren’t all assholes. Just most of them. Smith isn’t an asshole, though. He’s incredibly affectionate, mature and most importantly honest. And the sex? He’s a passionate (albeit slightly melodramatic) artist, so it was theatrical, violent and absolutely mind blowing. His flaw? Smith is first and foremost in love with himself.

He once asked me, “What if we tried this? Tried actually trusting each other. It could be great.” To which I responded, “Unfortunately, Smith, you will never make me feel like I’m the only girl in the room. And I don’t think you have the capacity to love anyone as much as you love yourself.” “Well, should I love you more?” You get the idea. He’s the perfect Mr. Right Now. Or he was. Until he dumped me.

It’s pretty ironic how it went down. Ironic in the way that, even though it totally sucks, you can’t help but chuckle at the universe a bit. So here I am, feeling totally in control of the situation. We were cuddling affectionately after a lazy day of watching Shameless. Comfortably nuzzled in his chest, I said, “What are you going to do when I actually start dating somebody?” He snickered, “I’ll be polite to his face and make snide comments to you behind his back while attempting to sleep with you.” “Fair enough.” In an odd (and what you’ll surely deem unhealthy) way, it was adorable. Did I mention that this is one of my best friends’ older brother? We’re pretty stuck in each other’s lives. Yeah, yeah, judge as you may.

So here I am thinking I’m in the perfect situation. I don’t have to wade through all the douche bags and losers that plague the New York City world dating scene. I can focus solely on my career knowing that great sex and something-a-lot-like-love is only a phone call away. Meanwhile, if the actual Mr. Right comes along, I’m free to be swept off my feet.

A few days after the aforementioned cuddle fest, Smith has a big show that I attended. I wasn’t surprised when he didn’t smother me with attention. He was busy flirting with everyone, working the rock star charm for all his adoring fans. I get it. What did surprise me, however, was that the next day when I was out doing a nice bit of day drinking with his sister, I texted him to meet us…but he never responded. That was unlike him. Even if he was out with a hoard of women, he always used to respond. I follow up again. Still nothing.

When I felt that inner girl crazy (oh, you know what I’m talking about) stir within me that wanted to text him something ugly, uncalled for and over-dramatic, I immediately deleted his number. Not as mature as having actual self control, but still probably more mature than had I said something I would later regret. After a few days of not hearing from him, I knew something was up. So, I email him and ask. We have the uncanny ability to be perfectly honest with each other. I didn’t mind admitting that it hurt me and I even explained the vulnerability the hurt implied.

I got the sweetest email back explaining that he met someone that had totally overwhelmed him in the greatest way possible. Fuck. Isn’t karma a big, ugly bitch? What will I do? I guess now I’ll be polite when she’s around, make snide comments to him behind her back…always tempting him.

I’ve obviously changed names for the sake of privacy…. but you should totally check out this band, Deadbeat Darling. They’re awesome. Download their stuff and like them on Facebook.

Over the past few decades, the way people date has drastically changed. Instead of being limited to your social circle or areas that you frequent, now it seems like the whole world is your oyster to date. You could try creating an online profile and choosing someone based off their looks and common interests. Or you could try speed dating, judging someone based on a few minutes of conversation. But would you try dating someone based on their smell?

Yes, you read that right. Judith Prays, an Atlanta-based artist, held her first “Pheromone Party” in late 2010. Forty people were invited to the party. Twelve of those people “hooked up” (no definition included). Six of those (that “hooked up”) began relationships. The odds aren’t all that bad. So, how does sniff and date work?

1. Send picture of armpit with RSVP to the party.
2. Wear the same t-shirt to bed for three nights without wearing perfume or deodorant.
3. Bring shirt to party, put into numbered bags marked pink and blue (her parties stuck to heterosexual partner matching). Walk away.
4. Go through bags and sniff. Indicate your favorites by taking a picture with their bag, breaking the ice and launching an introduction.
5. Date. Fall in Love. Break up. Really just chose your own adventure at this point.

It’s not really that difficult a concept, but the results seemed pretty high. But are you really that surprised? Many animals sniff each other and although we mask our natural scents with cologne and perfume, science says that pheromones trigger a response within a certain species.

So, let’s have it. Would you sniff and date?

It’s not easy being gay. In a world where heterosexuality is the norm and homosexuality has often been seen as more than just a religious taboo throughout history—you know, when legitimately recognized at all, that is—the LGBT community has worked tirelessly to declare that sexual preference is not a “preference” at all; instead, the nature vs. nurture arguments now lean more toward a “I’m on the right track, baby, I was born this way” mantra. However, is it necessarily a winner-takes-all conclusion in the homosexuality debate? According to Sex and the City actress Cynthia Nixon, maybe there’s more than one way to be gay. And ton of people are pissed off about it.

I’m pissed off too, to be honest. I’m pissed off at the people who are pissed off about it. In this week’s Hot Button Issue, I invite you to read the following carefully, because a lot of vocal opinions on the Internet are getting it all just a little bit twisted…in my opinion.

Actress Cynthia Nixon, whom we know as Miranda Hobbes on Sex and the City, has always been a peculiar case study for the LGBT community: she was happily in a relationship with a man for 15 years (they even had two kids together), but she’s been dating a woman since 2004. Though her sexual orientation seemed to have made a switch, she has said in the past that she didn’t feel like she was necessarily lying to herself or hiding anything. ”I’d been with men all my life, and I’d never fallen in love with a woman,” she told The Daily Telegraph in 2007. ”But when I did, it didn’t seem so strange. I’m just a woman in love with another woman.”

Many gay activists call her midlife switch in sexual orientation disingenuous, and Nixon chose to defend her relationship by controversially stating that for her, homosexuality is a choice. She explained to the New York Times Magazine:

“I gave a speech recently, an empowerment speech to a gay audience, and it included the line ‘I’ve been straight and I’ve been gay, and gay is better.’ And they tried to get me to change it, because they said it implies that homosexuality can be a choice. And for me, it is a choice. I understand that for many people it’s not, but for me it’s a choice, and you don’t get to define my gayness for me. A certain section of our community is very concerned that it not be seen as a choice, because if it’s a choice, then we could opt out. I say it doesn’t matter if we flew here or we swam here, it matters that we are here and we are one group and let us stop trying to make a litmus test for who is considered gay and who is not.”

Opponents argue that defining Nixon’s gayness isn’t about Nixon at all; it’s about how she’s abusing her elevated platform as a celebrity with comments that can not only further confuse young people who are struggling with their sexuality in silence, but also give conservatives some free ammunition to use against the LGBT community as they continue to fight for equal civil rights. Unfortunately, this is partly true, as people who are famous for something seem to automatically become spokespeople and advocates for something else (Demi Lovato fighting eating disorders, Rihanna speaking up against domestic violence, etc.). Cynthia Nixon just wants to worry about Cynthia Nixon, but she may have given up that right when she signed on for her first big acting role.

The thing about Nixon is that she refuses to call herself bisexual; she genuinely states that she was straight before, but she’s gay now. Political blogger and gay activist John Aravosis called her out on the supposed misnomer of her sexual orientation: “It’s not a ‘choice,’ unless you consider my opting to date a guy with brown hair versus a guy with blonde hair a ‘choice.’ It’s only a choice among flavors I already like.  And if you like both flavors, men and women, you’re bisexual, you’re not gay, so please don’t tell people that you are gay, and that gay people can ‘choose’ their sexual orientation, i.e., will it out of nowhere.  Because they can’t.”

Supporters of Nixon’s views say that whether people of the LGBT community say their sexual orientation is rooted in nature or nurture, it won’t actually make a positive difference in fighting the good fight. “Ask African Americans if they think being ‘born that way’ helped during the hundreds of years they fought for equal rights, or ask women about being born that way and how that helped get the right to vote or other rights,” wrote Windy City Times editor Tracy Baim in The Huffington Post. She also pointed out that religion is also a ‘choice’ that right-wing opponents seem to recognize, but ignore that of gender or sexuality. “If they hate us, they hate us, and how we got this way just doesn’t compute in their narrow minds.”

And after seeing both sides of the Hot Button Issue and agreeing with all the good intentions on the table, I feel like these members of the LGBT community are simply arguing over technicalities at this point. If being gay means something different to Cynthia Nixon than it does to John Aravosis, then can’t both definitions exist? She isn’t attacking anyone else’s sexuality; she’s only speaking out about her own. Why attack a fellow soldier whose sword isn’t even threatening you at all? Like Tracy says, there’s a different enemy that the community might be losing sight of, because of this.

Actually, both sides seem to still have a common goal in mind: so many say that these comments will confuse young kids who are currently debating and simply trying to figure their way around what they’re feeling, but what seems to be more confusing to me, a straight person in shock of all this controversy, is how these people of the LGBT community seem to be attacking each other’s worth. Does this environment seem like a safer place than the world where one is held against a harsh heterosexual standard, a place where you won’t be judged by your sexual orientation? Even more so, maybe Nixon’s controversial comments will actually help those young people out there who actually hope to choose to be gay but didn’t know they could! Can people still explore their sexuality after being in a heterosexual relationship or two? Yes, says Cynthia Nixon, you can, and it doesn’t necessarily negate the love you had for those of the opposite sex at the time.

And if we’re gonna get technical about timelines and titles, is a virgin who has never been in a relationship still straight, even if she’s never found a man she’s been attracted to? Just a thought.

I know it’s an important conversation, but it’s not that important and worth fighting over to the point where people forget what is actually worth fighting FOR. And sadly, that greater fight is still far from over. Whether “born this way” or bred into another, Cynthia Nixon is simply saying that we are who we are, right here, right now, and that’s all that matters. That’s all that needs to be accepted, at any point. “Why can’t it be a choice? Why is that any less legitimate?” Nixon asked in the NYT interview. “It seems we’re just ceding this point to bigots who are demanding it, and I don’t think that they should define the terms of the debate.”

Who is to say who we’ll be attracted to tomorrow, and who is to blame for who you were attracted to yesterday? Whether straight, gay, bisexual, or still figuring it out, your sexual orientation is yours and yours alone, and the only person who could ever have any kind of definition on the matter is the one you love, because that person’s gender—not their opinion—might change that label.

Can homosexuality be a choice for some people? Are Cynthia Nixon’s comments completely out of line, or are John Aravosis’ blogs overstepping personal boundaries?

Ashley is a UC San Diego grad who is holding on way too tightly to a potential career in magazines and goes to Vegas all too often. She’s fascinated with celebrities and strawberry beer and doubles as a pathological texter/emailer/blogger. Feed the addiction with tweets @cashleelee. Thanks in advance.

Growing up, snow storms are the best. You get the day off from school, spend it sledding or throwing snow balls at cars and end it all with a nice cup of hot cocoa. But, after a certain age, snow days don’t exist and you have to shovel your own driveway (which means waking up 30 minutes earlier), then try your best to drive to work among drivers who forgot how to drive (apparently weather other than sun brings that out).

However, there is one good thing about adult snow days — the days when everyone is excused from work…or you and your S.O. skip — snugglefests. It’s the one day you are excused from putting real clothes on or eating real food. You don’t even have to move from your bed (while besides for necessities), all you have to do is lay back and let the majesty of all that is good in the world warm your heart.

I know a thing or two about snuggling, mostly learned from John Stamos…but I digress. There is nothing more complimentary to a good snuggle then a great movie. So here are some movies that will have you jonesin’ for another snow storm…

initiating the gallery...

Ahh, college. Some people look at it as an institution of higher learning, others look at it as a new place stocked with eligible men and women for the taking. Wherever you fall across the spectrum, you’ve probably heard of the sometimes-taboo subject called dormcest. That means dating/hooking up with someone who lives in your building or on your hall. These types of relations are common both when you first move in and again in the cold winter months when people are less apt to hike to a party in a short skirt and more likely to pick from what’s close and convenient.

However, “dormcest” can be risky business. Getting intimate with someone who lives nearby and who you see just about every day can become awkward, annoying, hurtful or even dangerous. Tread carefully with this, and use this guide to eliminate as many risks as possible.

Rule out the next door neighbors.You will see these guys every day, even multiple times a day. They will probably see you in a towel, coming in drunk from a party and at your morning-after worst. If you hook up with them, you might be starting a FWB relationship where you two just go to each other because it’s easy.  Or, you can get into a relationship. And while might seem super fun to live right next to your boyfriend, think about how annoying it can get. Too much time together is never a good thing.

And if that ends badly? You will undoubtedly see other girls enter his dorm room and perhaps vice versa, which can cause hurt feelings and jealousy.

Choose wisely. If you are looking for a one time hookup/fling, pick a guy who wants the same. If you pick a guy who wants a relationship and seems very clingy in the beginning, you will have a sad puppy following you around for weeks to come.

Respect each other’s space.  Do not bust into his room like you own it, and do not spend all your time in there. Think about it like it was his house. Would you drive by his house five times a day? At 3 in the morning? (If you said yes, you should probably seek some help).

Keep quiet. A dormcest couple in my building is actually doing quite well because they don’t broadcast their relationship to the world. Laurie* and Rob* started out slow in the beginning; I wouldn’t have even known they were spending time together if they didn’t decide to share that with a few friends. They told each other they weren’t looking for a relationship at the time, which allowed them no drama. After a couple months, they decided to make their relationship official, and still they are a pretty low key couple. No one is talking about them and nothing is weird in the dorm because of it.

Make alone time. Another dormcest couple in my hall, Shannon* and Mike*, started getting serious pretty quick. Now they fight all the time, and everyone knows about it (and hears it!). This is a case of too much time together and not really knowing each other. My friend Megan brought up a good point: how can you really know each other if you only spend time together in the dorm, surrounded by friends? You don’t get any alone time like other couples do when they go out on dates.

Make time apart. Spending too much time together can become overbearing. Then you feel uncomfortable in your own space, and you can’t even escape the other person. Make sure you hang out with your friends, do things separate, and set limits on seeing each other in the building.

End it as amicably as possible. Unless you are one of the select few who fall in love and decide to be together forever, you will probably suffer an awkward break up. Resist the urge to have a big blow out fight, use mean insults or to make yourself look like a crazy person. End it as cleanly as possible, and be civil and polite when you see your ex. A smile and a wave make things less awkward and soon you won’t even feel weird passing them in the hallway.

Protect yourself. I hate to admit it, but there are some crazies out there. A girl I know, *Karissa, began seeing a guy who seemed really friendly and cool in the beginning. However, now that she told him she wasn’t interested anymore, he has become obsessive, angry and even threatening. He texts her every day, calling her names and saying he will kill her if she doesn’t call him back. He knows where she lives, but thankfully cannot get into the dorm without the proper authorization. What if you picked a guy like this in your own building? Know someone very well before you start a relationship where they know how to find you, and know how to protect yourself. If you see any inappropriate or threatening behavior, report the person to your campus police immediately.

Those are my tips for making dormcest work, and I wish all those crazy enough to try it good luck! Please share your dormcest stories in the comments!

*Indicates names have been changed.

Maura is a freshman at Rider University and loves chocolate, cheesy wedding T.V. shows, writing, fashion and playing with her overweight (but adorable) Pomeranian. When she isn’t at class or sleeping, you can catch her on twitter @maurahilgar.

Ever feel like everyone around you is suddenly coupling up and you’re the only single person left? Well, that’s how Demi Moore and Katy Perry must feel around Hollywood right about now, because waaaay too many people got engagement rings for Christmas this past year. Was there some kind of amazing sale on diamonds or something? Did everyone just completely blank out on original gift ideas and just decided to go for the gift that keeps on giving—as in once you give someone that particular piece of jewelry, you also have to give them a wedding, a honeymoon, and the rest of your life?!?

Here are all the celebrities who got engaged over the holiday season. In other words, people who seriously thought the world would end once 2012 began, wanted to make some amazing love before their last days on earth, and knew that popping the question to their significant other would seal the deal. And now they have to follow through and actually get married.

initiating the gallery...

What’d you get for Christmas that’s better than an engagement ring?? I’m more than happy with my iPad, thanks.

Ashley is a UC San Diego grad who is holding on way too tightly to a potential career in magazines and goes to Vegas all too often. She’s fascinated with celebrities and strawberry beer and doubles as a pathological texter/emailer/blogger. Feed the addiction with tweets @cashleelee. Thanks in advance.

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I moved in with my childhood best friend five months ago. He’s great and I love him as a friend. But he’s had feelings for me in the past and we’ve talked about it. I told him I’m not interested. He said he understands. And we’re still really close friends.

When we moved in together I was having some money problems and he offered to cover the extra costs so I could afford to move in. So he’s been paying $300 more than me every month, and I really appreciate it. The deal was that if I cook and clean, he’s happy to pay for it.

Our other friends all think it’s really weird and they are convinced I’m sleeping with him, but I’m not. Anyway in the past two months I got a promotion and now I can afford the rent but he offered to keep paying the larger amount as a favor to me. I agreed because I thought it was really nice. And now he’s started buying me little gifts and even doing the cooking.

I’m not going to lie, it’s a pretty great life. But I know he’s doing it because he has feelings for me. But at the same time, is it so wrong to keep accepting his favors, since I keep telling him I’m never going to date him and he still wants to help me out?

Sort of Conflicted

Dear SOC,

SMASH. Yes, you shoop, of COURSE it’s wrong!!! Your words say no, but your actions say yes, yes, yes!!!

You may not mean to (we’ll get to that later), but you are totally leading him on. This sweet but incredibly stupid friend of yours has deluded himself into thinking that you’ll come around because he’s courting you with all this crap. Money don’t buy love, honey. Unless you’re a ho. So…

Look. You can afford the rent now, so stop accepting his cash. Pay equal rent. That is your first and most obvious step. After that, when he brings you gifts, tell him, “Thank you so much, but you’ve been getting me things so much lately! I just can’t accept another thing.” Yes, it’s rude. But it is NECESSARY to STOP THE MADNESS.

Doesn’t it bother you that he is trying (fairly successfully, by the way!) to buy your love?!?!?!?! ARE YOU A FRIENDSTITUTE?!?!?!?! It’s so messed up of you to take advantage of someone like this. It’s even more messed up that you’re taking advantage of your childhood best friend. Do you not care about him at all?! Or do you just think you deserve more than him? Is that it?! Do you think you’re more entitled to his money than he is?!!?

Oh, and back to that, “you may not mean to.” Yeah, I think you mean to. I think you’re more than happy to take advantage of this dude. And gross of him to think you’d go for it. But also gross of you TO go for it. Gross. Gross. So 1892. Geez. Woman up.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

10 Guys you should date in 2012

Guess this is not the year of Octomom

Is Justin Timberlake the perfect Elton John?

A defense for dating around

Love resolutions you can actually keep

How to glam up your walk of shame

Hindus take the Katy Perry/Russell Brand breakup badly

Some people just get nasty plastic surgery

Crazy tattoos of celebs

image via Ekaterina Pokrovsky/Shutterstock

I had an unhealthy addiction to Oregon Trail in elementary school. The second that screen popped on up my window, my morals went out the window.

Hell yeah, I’ll be a banker. There’s nothing more important in the world than money.

Shoot extra bison even thought I very well know I can’t carry it all back to the wagon. No duh.

Leave my grandmother to die because she’s slowing us down with her damn cholera. I never looked back.

And then I grew up. Or maybe not grew up as much as learned how to play the Sims. If you think controlling someone’s life changing journey across America puts you on a power trip, spend ten minutes playing the Sims. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t still have a soft spot for Oregon Trail. That’s why I clicked on this article as soon as I saw the title and decided to share it with you.

So with no further ado: How the Oregon Trail Relates to Dating

Jenni may or may not have downloaded the Oregon Trail app to her phone and was crushed to see you had to pay to play the full game. You can follow her on Twitter here @MayorJenni.