That said, this season has seen the best talent I have ever seen. Brooke, Jason, and Carly would have been just as deserving of the title. I am so pumped about this season’s show that, as a girl from Hawaii, I am very tempted to fly over to California this summer to check out the American Idol Top 10 Tour.

I can’t wait for Cook’s album and hope that the producers give him space to be just as original as he’s been all season. (Who would have thought this rocker could pull off Lionel Richie’s “Hello” and Mariah Carey’s “Always Be My Baby” within six weeks?) Don’t get me wrong, Archuleta is an extremely gifted 17 year old, but America should usher in this summer with a major celebration for getting it right this year!

David Cook, congratulations!!! You rock!

Did that weather guy just say “69 sex”?!?

American Idol says no to creeptastic dads

Do you want to learn how to be a groupie??

David Sedaris has finished with his smoking

What would you do if you gave birth AT HOME? Jog to the hospital?

These women are ridiculously funny. Period.

The Magic 8 Ball amended by a Mom

Video of celebs attacking the paparazzi. Awesome.

The Queen gets herself a nice golden bust.

If you were “lucky” enough to catch Tuesday’s American Idol, you know there was an epic performance given by America’s little country belle, Kristy Lee Cook.

Her song choice? GOD BLESS AMERICA.

Please, gag me. I’m all about “America” and whatnot but watching Cook’s whole blonde-cowgirl-in-Acrylic-nailed glory act, complete with cowboy boots and that sparkly All American Girl look, I would have bet a million dollars that the government paid her to do it.

Apparently, the girl isn’t as stupid as she looks, cuz now has every Republican and Religious Righty is gonna be eating sugar from the palm of her hand while wearing their cross necklaces and Nascar t-shirts. Amen.

Cheesy American flag graphics were splattered behind her like a bad Up With People set design (speaking of Up With People, how about little David Archuleta’s performance? I believe there’s also a spot open in Menudo that he could take), and the whole vibe was so bombastic I almost went blind.

The performance was just a pure syrup spectacle, completely overshadowing the fact that there were some great performances. David Cook and Syesha Mercado, the only two REAL talented people, seem to always be thrown aside in favor of bland, boring character “fillers”.

The only thing that would have made Kristy’s crazy performance a wee bit better would have been if she put her Favorite Quote (as listed on the American Idol website) on a t-shirt and worn it proudly, with a Stetson cowboy hat. The Quote: “Rope it, ride it, wrestle it, cowgirl it.”

YEEHAW.

Onto The Bachelor. Which actually, isn’t that much different from American Idol this season since everyone seems to be some type of musician.

Talented chicks must turn him on, I guess.

However, singing a song YOU WROTE for him after knowing him amongst 15 other women for what I’m assuming is less than a week….that a bit creepy. I second the creepy statement when it comes to FLUTE PLAYING. Since when is this f*cking Star Search, girls? That shit went out with the bad hair of the early 90′s.

Get tipsy and and make “bedroom eyes” at your Bachelor like you’re supposed to. Don’t play Vivaldi’s “Four Seasons” while sitting on his lap. I want to see faux love flourish — not some twisted “Survivor” where everyone is competing through a series of artistic endeavors while wearing tacky evening wear. Dear GAWD.

And in closing, who was the producer who chose the girl who said (after she didn’t receive “a rose”) she was looking forward to seeing her cat when she gets home — since she’s the love of her life at the moment?!

I believe the quote went something like…”It’ll be great to have her purr again.“

There are so many levels of weird to that statement, I’m not even gonna try.