These days in Hollywood, the children of celebrities are often overlooked. They’re more like the perfect accessory to an already awesome outfit than actual people. They’re like that great new designer everyone is wearing, but one that won’t ever go out of style. So we forget sometimes that these kids are actual people with actual lives. And the celebrities we fawn over are actually their parents. Like, their real parents. Just like ours…

Or not.

And well, we can’t help but think that for some of them, that must really, really suck. But for others, they’re living the life we dream about as we lay in bed late at night (after our Jake Gyllenhaal/Mark Salling threesome fantasy ends). So we did some research, some analyzing, figured out the networth pros and cons of each of these celebrity parents and so we propose to you the celebrities we’d love to have play parent to us…and those we wouldn’t even want as distant relatives.

We all agree that Lindsay Lohan is a train wreck. But can we really blame her for being so messed-up when she’s had to deal with parents like Michael and Dina Lohan?

Michael has been acting especially awful lately—he keeps leaking recordings of phone calls with Lindsay and her mom to the media, supposedly because he’s worried about her. Right, because the best way to help your strung-out daughter is by releasing calls that you recorded without her knowledge to the national press, who have always been nothing but kind to her.

What a douche.

Thinking about Michael Lohan reminds us of other Hollywood dads who are certified d-bags. Jon Gosselin, Alec Baldwin, the Hoff… all of them are rich, famous, and majorly jerky. But which one of them deserves to be named the Douchiest Hollywood Dad of all? Tell us what you think in the poll below.

Jon Gosselin: Do we even need to list the reasons why this father of eight deserves to be named Douchemaster of the Century? His crimes against humanity are only made worse by the fact that he and M.Loh are apparently BFF. Shudder.

David Hasselhoff: Remember the video from 2007 of The Hoff wasted out of his mind, eating a hamburger on the floor as his daughter begs him not to drink anymore? We do. Douchetastic.

Alec Baldwin: We love Alec on 30 Rock, but that doesn’t change his awful parenting—he screamed at his daughter on her voicemail, saying that he didn’t care if she was “twelve years old, or eleven years old,” because she’s a “rude, thoughtless little pig.” Classy!

Jude Law: Don’t you just love how the British tabloids once called the Oscar-nominated actor “Rude Law”? Having an affair with your children’s nanny while dating the smoking hot Sienna Miller is definitely not polite behavior; we’d expect more from a Brit. Plus, rumor has it this dad hasn’t even met his newest love-child. Good work, champ. Even Lil Wayne is less of a dead-beat than you.

Billy Ray Cyrus: Oh, Billy. First you pose creepily with Miley in Vanity Fair, and then you let little Noah Cyrus leave the house looking like a common prostitute. We don’t care how achey and breaky your heart is—that’s just wrong.

So which dad is the douchiest? You decide:

David Hasselhoff gets drunk, punches doctor. Awesome.

College editor forced to resign for a too-sexy article.

Lindsay Lohan acts like she’s over acting.

Get rid of those raccoon eyes.

Amy Winehouse has some new friends.

Let’s get creative with those sexy Halloween costumes.

The Hoff wasn’t drunk, OK?

Mmm. That food sounds tasty, doesn’t it?

12 secret signs he’s into you.

Mariah and Nick: most awkward couple ever.

Megan Fox is pretty...but that’s about it.

Brad Pitt’s questionable red carpet attire.

DJ AM’s death takes a toll on Nicole Richie.

Puppy vs. baby: the battle is on.

Perez Hilton likes little girls.

Now this is a party animal.

Khloe Kardashian’s got a new man.

The Hoff does a solo.

Before he left, The Hoff made this prediction/menacing threat:

“He is going to steal the hearts of every American watching the show.”

That prophecy came to fruition during last night’s two-hour Vegas episode. The judges whittled the 113 acts down to 60, and on Thursday they’ll cut 20 more before the pool of contestants is set for the live episodes.

David upped his game and with two minor additions that made it impossible for the judges to send him packing; a little tuxedo, and an alliance with the youngest contestant in the competition, Kaitlyn Maher. Separate they are just two cute little kids, but put them together (holding hands no less!) and the viewing public is powerless. The two little ones beat out individuals three times their age (in their own age bracket no less) and both moved on to the semi-final round. But were we surprised? Voting them off would be like putting Milo & Otis to sleep.

So David is safe for another day. My guess is that his next performance will be a duet with a basket of yellow-lab puppies or newborn babies. Can he be stopped?

[Photo: CBSNews.com]

To prove my point, tonight’s episode was only an hour long and here’s how the time broke down:

22 Minutes Of Commercials

35 Minutes of Sob Stories

10 Minutes of The Hoff yelling unintelligible nonsense

2 Minutes of Talent

I’m no statistician but I think that’s about right.

Meet Kyle Rifkin, a prime example of one of the many sad sacks to grace the AGT stage. He’s got talent alright…talent for telling the saddest story ever. He sang on the street for nickels people. NICKELS. Grab a tissue or a free sleeve and let it all out.

Cross your fingers for a better episode next week. We need more crazies!

]]>