Last week we had Rosh Hashanah; now it’s time for Yom Kippur. Yeah, baby; time to atone! Starting tonight at sundown, Jews around the world will eat their last meal…for 24 hours.

Why will we be giving up bagels, lox and all those other Jewy foods for an entire freaking day?

To atone for our sins, people.

We have one day and one day only to apologize to God for everything we did wrong over the course of an entire year. That is not a lot of time, which is why everything that does not involve repenting must be given up. Like eating.

Or admiring good looking men.

Or personal gratification.

Or shopping.

Or reruns of Friends.

Or massages.

Or ice cream.

Or ice cream sundaes.

On top of a cupcake.

Served by him.

Or all those fun things that got us in trouble in the first place.

Tomorrow night – and my clean slate/macaroni and cheese – can’t come soon enough. Until then, be nice to your Jewish pals; it’s gonna be a long day.