And then, no matter how great things are going, after about four months (max!) it hits you, and you go insane. And you have to ask: “What ARE we?”

Now, we can all admit that dudes are f’in confusing. I am guilty of this insanity as much as anyone. It makes everyone totally crazy because you just want to know that things are getting serious, and that he’s not secretly plotting to get out soon (or spooning with someone else). But still, I am staunchly anti-DTR (that’s ‘define the relationship’), and let me tell you why.

Generally speaking, there are two reasons for initiating the talk:

1. Things are fabulous, you are happy, and you want to revel in your togetherness as much (and as officially) as possible.

2. You’re unsure of how he’s feeling about the whole situation, and you want a little clarification and security.

If you’re in situation #1, first of all, congratulations! That’s the happiest place to be, and you should enjoy it! Second of all, if you’re happy and comfortable, why the need for the talk? If it walks like a boyfriend and talks like a boyfriend, chances are: it’s a boyfriend. Put much more stock in his actions than in his words, especially if you’re forcing those words out of him.

If you’re in the #2 situation, it gets a bit hairier. If he isn’t treating you like his girlfriend, then that is the issue you should be dealing with. If it’s an issue of feeling secure, then, well, if he is the sort of guy who will make out with someone else at a party, just because he never SAID you were his girlfriend, you do not want to be dating him anway. You can say boyfriend or not, but having ‘the talk’ doesn’t make you something new, nor does it (or should it, or can it) change the way you feel about each other.

Broaching this topic as a Talk, with a capital T, can lay down a power shift. Say you want it, but he doesn’t. He wants it, you don’t. Either way, one of you is more ‘officially’ invested in the relationship than the other, and it’s up to the other to say yes or no. It’s like a marriage proposal: you don’t want to ask unless you’re pretty damn certain what the answer will be.

Just because there’s is so much relationship bullsh*t circulating (see: The Rules, He’s Just Not That Into You, etc.) doesn’t mean that you have to define things in the terms these sage advisors use. Nor do you have to use mine, for that matter. At the end of the day, no one knows your relationship but you, and f**k everybody else. But in my experience, trying to create something by labeling it is a disaster waiting to happen, plain and simple.

[Photo courtesy of Dear Sugar]

And then, no matter how great things are going, after about four months (max!) it hits you, and you go insane. And you have to ask: “What ARE we?”

Now, we can all admit that dudes are f’in confusing. I am guilty of this insanity as much as anyone. It makes everyone totally crazy because you just want to know that things are getting serious, and that he’s not secretly plotting to get out soon (or spooning with someone else). But still, I am staunchly anti-DTR (that’s ‘define the relationship’), and let me tell you why.

Generally speaking, there are two reasons for initiating the talk:

1. Things are fabulous, you are happy, and you want to revel in your togetherness as much (and as officially) as possible.

2. You’re unsure of how he’s feeling about the whole situation, and you want a little clarification and security.

If you’re in situation #1, first of all, congratulations! That’s the happiest place to be, and you should enjoy it! Second of all, if you’re happy and comfortable, why the need for the talk? If it walks like a boyfriend and talks like a boyfriend, chances are: it’s a boyfriend. Put much more stock in his actions than in his words, especially if you’re forcing those words out of him.

If you’re in the #2 situation, it gets a bit hairier. If he isn’t treating you like his girlfriend, then that is the issue you should be dealing with. If it’s an issue of feeling secure, then, well, if he is the sort of guy who will make out with someone else at a party, just because he never SAID you were his girlfriend, you do not want to be dating him anway. You can say boyfriend or not, but having ‘the talk’ doesn’t make you something new, nor does it (or should it, or can it) change the way you feel about each other.

Broaching this topic as a Talk, with a capital T, can lay down a power shift. Say you want it, but he doesn’t. He wants it, you don’t. Either way, one of you is more ‘officially’ invested in the relationship than the other, and it’s up to the other to say yes or no. It’s like a marriage proposal: you don’t want to ask unless you’re pretty damn certain what the answer will be.

Just because there’s is so much relationship bullsh*t circulating (see: The Rules, He’s Just Not That Into You, etc.) doesn’t mean that you have to define things in the terms these sage advisors use. Nor do you have to use mine, for that matter. At the end of the day, no one knows your relationship but you, and f**k everybody else. But in my experience, trying to create something by labeling it is a disaster waiting to happen, plain and simple.

[Photo courtesy of Dear Sugar]

In my last blog, I wrote about the splendors of holiday hookups. (If you haven’t read it yet, get on it!) Now that most of us have exhausted the extent of our winter break hook-ups, I thought I’d take a second look at this most treasured of holiday traditions. As it turns out, there are a few things that actually can go wrong…

The Parent Thing: Even though we’ve moved out, most of us hate the thought of our parents knowing anything about our sex lives. This proves to be a huge problem when you’re actually hooking up under their roof. Nothing makes you feel like you’re back in high school more than tip-toeing through your house with a guy in tow. If you stay at his house, on the other hand, you run the risk of being discovered by his Mom and becoming “that slut” that’s sleeping with her baby.

The Small Town Thing: No matter how big of a city you live in, you can’t deny that we live in a very, very small world. And nothing proves that more true than a hometown hookup rumor spreading like a wildfire. I swear, once one person finds out and spills the beans, it’s all over. You can bet by the end of the week anybody and everybody, from his Mom to your 8th grade woodshop teacher, will know of your little rendezvous(s). Or, if you’re like me and accidentally leave a hickey on his neck, you don’t even need anybody to say anything for the entire world to know. My bad.

The High School History Thing: This is slightly related to the Small Town Thing. If you and your hookup of choice are from the same town or high school, it is very likely that they have been involved with other people that you know. Just be sure that if you’re hooking up with someone, that you’re not gonna piss off your or your partner’s ex-lovers, best friends, or relatives. I learned this puppy the hard way, and believe me, it really sucks.

The DTR Thing: By DTR, I mean the loved and loathed “Define The Relationship” conversation. Once you start hooking up, you and your guy are going to have to discuss where you want your relationship is and where you want it to go. This holds especially true if you’re hooking up with someone you’ve already been involved with. Do you want to get back together or stay friends with benefits? Hookups during school breaks put an expiration date on any affairs, often speeding up the onset of the DTR and the difficult questions that ensue.

Did anybody else run into obstacles with their holiday hook-ups? Or am I just severely crippled in the suave department?