Dear Former Facebook Friend,

How is everything? I don’t know anything about your life anymore because I’m not getting constant updates on my phone and computer. We can still be friends in real life though!

I’m sorry I had to cut you out of my friends list. I think it’s really awesome that even though you had an exam at 7:30 this morning, you still went out last night and had the time of your life (I assume from the pictures you posted). I stayed in studying for the exam all night, and I just can’t bear to see your status next week telling the whole internet you got an A+ when I got a C. Hearing how smart you are and how much of a social life you have makes me want to drop out of school and be a telephone operator.

I’m also really glad that you have a super hot boyfriend and an amazing family who sends you care packages filled with money and candy every week (It’s so cool that you can eat all that candy and be a size 00!), but sometimes reading about all of your happiness makes me want drown the both of us.  So for both of our safety, I just had to de-friend you. Read More »

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Jimmy Kimmel has deemed November 17^th National Unfriend Day.  Yes, he’s talking Facebook and he’s insisting that you don’t really have 763 “friends” in real life, so why should you online?  Time to trim the fat, people!

Initially I thought this was a great idea.  Eliminating all those random welcome week acquaintances and sophomore year World Civ group project people would be pretty great.  I mean, seriously, who are these people anyway?  Do I care that your sister just had a baby?  Do I want to know what movie you watched last night with your mom?  Should you be posting pictures of your new tramp stamp?  Hell no.

But upon thinking some more, hitting that “unfriend” button could induce a sort of high.  It would start with people you’ve never heard of, increase to the ones you shared a few classes with, and end when you’ve cut all online ties to ex-boyfriends and old hook-ups.  Holy batman, you can’t stalk them anymore!  You can’t see if their new girlfriend is prettier than you!  You can’t know if they’re posting mysterious song lyrics that may or may not point to the beautiful moment you shared in the back of the bar last Thursday night when his hand was up your shirt!  What have you done!?

While I don’t think you should skip this new holiday altogether, I encourage you to observe it with a modicum of restrain.  Here’s a cheat sheet on who to delete now and who to keep around for a little longer:

Read More »

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God, I wish I didn't defriend the ex....

We’ve all been there.  You break up with your boyfriend, fight with your Bio lab partner, resent your freshman year roommate for getting a better internship than you.  In a booze-fueled rage you sit at your computer at 2am going through Facebook, wanting so badly to cut these people off altogether.  Why do you need to know that the old roomie is hanging out with Kanye?  Or that your ex already found a rebound girl and her boobs are really, really big?

Before you know it, you get caught up in the whirlwind that is FB’s newsfeed and suddenly you’re hating on people you haven’t seen in three years.  Sarah’s mom sends her care packages from Sephora?  Bitch!  Jamie is dating that hot TA?  You had your eye on him first and she knows it!  Your best friend is dating your little brother?  Gross and unacceptable!

In a flash, the floodgates have opened.  You’re going to defriend them all, that’s what you’re going to do!  With your mouse hovering above the delete button, you pause for a moment.  Sure, consciously getting rid of a Facebook friend is the modern day equivalent of sending someone to the guillotine.  Off with their heads and their damn status updates!  But while it might feel good in the moment to erase these people from your life account, it’s more than a little likely that you’ll come to regret your cutthroat ways.

In a few months you’ll probably be dating someone new and the hurt caused by your ex-BF’s fling with Pam Anderson will have subsided.  It was, after all, just a fling and apparently he ditched her via wall post.  Too bad you gave him the axe; you would have loved to read that one.  Not to mention your roommate got fired from her internship for enjoying an event’s open bar a little too much.  Talk about the funniest tagged photos you’ll never see.  Actually, it seems that whole unfriending spree really cut you out of the loop with everyone. Read More »

It’s about that time for me.

I am going to have a sit down with my Facebook friends list and carefully consider who belongs there, who does not, and which family members need to be moved to the “Limited Profile” list. Yes, de-friending is a vicious process, but it has to be done in order to make way for new and more important friendships. Read: the people with the most exciting photos to stalk.

Anyway, as I sit here cutting out some of my 423 friends, these are a few of the people whom I’ve made dust in my virtual wind.

The Friend Who Desperately Wants You To Join YoVille
Facebook applications can be great. Who doesn’t enjoy a game of Scrabulous? But being bombarded with requests to join your farm or garden or pirate ship isn’t helping out your chances of remaining friends with me come clean-up time. Bye-bye application-addict. We’re ignoring you once and for all.

The Constant Status-Updater
I do not care what your plans for the day are.  Or what emo song lyics are accurately emoting your feelings at the moment. Or what color your poop is… no matter how odd it may be. If you are cluttering up my newsfeed with mindless chatter, you will surely be de-friended. But before we part ways, I want you to seriously consider getting a Twitter. There, and only there, will you be appreciated. Read More »

I mean, I love Facebook. Seriously. Facebook allows me to keep in touch with old friends. It tells me when people I know marginally add pictures of their nights out. It lets me see who all my exboyfriends are dating.

Which brings me to #1:

1) It lets me see who all my exboyfriends are dating.

I really, really don’t want to know.

Which probably means I should delete them as friends, or at least use that spiffy little thing that lets you control who you don’t want to see on your newsfeed. But I, quite frankly, do not posess the willpower.

Oh well. The more you know. And crap.

2) Lil Green Patch.

Lil freakin’ Green Patch! Read More »