Week after week (after week after week…), CollegeCandy and our pal John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, and saddest things he hears on his college campus. And we know he’s not the only one who hears this stuff. Join the Overheard revolution! Listen in on some weirdos’ conversations and share them in the comments or send ‘em over to us to put in next week’s post.

(Two guys, at a bar.)

Guy: I have a really good pickup line.

Guy 2: Yeah?

Guy: It’s kind of specific, though. It only works if on a black female thermophysicist.

(Guy, after watching the “Avatar” trailer.)

Guy: It looks like… ‘Gears of War’ meets ‘Fern Gully.’

(Computer science Professor, in a morning class.)

Prof: But watch! When you treat it as a mergesort, it becomes an “log n” algorithm instead of a “n log n” algorithm! F**k yeah!

(Girl, making a 911 call.)

Girl: Hi. We’re at the newspaper. We think everything’s fine. The building’s probably not burning down.

(During a break in class, girl reading a text aloud)

Girl: Praising God and condemning sex with men!

(Guys, dressing to go out.)

Guy 1: Shit! You can’t wear a tie! Now I’ve got to wear a tie!

Guy 2: And so the fashion arms race begins.

Guy 1: I’m getting my cummerbund.

(Guy, before a class.)

Guy: What I don’t understand is why you don’t just convert people into energy with “E equals MC squared.” It would be so much easier to compute.

(Professor, in class)

Professor: He’s an electrician. He knows about crime.

(Girl, watching “Star Wars”)

Girl: The physics of this makes no sense! There’s no sound in space! Stop! Stop all of this! … God, why do I talk?

(Guy, on the phone with a delivery guy.)

Guy: Okay. Yeah, sure, that’s no problem. All right. Bye. … He had to stop for gas. I told him it was fine. It was the most human moment I’ve ever had with a delivery man.

(Girl, talking to friends.)

Girl: I always imagined that you could just use the Force on your shoes, and fly. But then I guess you’d have to use the Force on all your other clothes, too, or you’d just be getting dragged around the sky by your feet.

(Two girls, eating dinner.)

Girl 1: I got some pumpkin ale. It’s in season!

Girl 2: Oh my god. What?

Girl 1: Pumpkin ale! Like, with nutmeg.

Girl 2: I thought you said ‘toilet ale.’

There are only a few weeks left of the Spring 2009 semester, so how are you going to spend your summer? If you’re like many poor students across the country, you’re going to waste at least the first month of summer vacay working (and sweating) your ass off in the grueling heat in order to pay off the debt you racked up this term.

This past weekend was the first summery weekend in New York (and the Tri-State area), and as I walked through Manhattan, giving my pasty arms their first taste of real sunshine in months, I was infinitely jealous of all of the people in shorts and flip flops sitting outside the restaurants and cafes, casually throwing back margaritas and nibbling on tapas. I immediately regretted all of the cabs I took this winter when it was too cold to walk a few blocks to the subway, splurging on expensive bar nights (and overpriced coat checks), and every other frivolous nickel I threw away, because this weekend, I could not afford a leisurely afternoon of day-drinking. I realized that if I could not afford this luxury, how would I afford a fantastic vacation this summer?

Well, it’s not too late to cut costs where it matters and save up the money to enjoy the weather this summer and make the most of your three months away from school. By cutting down on what you think are daily necessities, you’ll be surprised by how much you can save in a short period of time.

1. Caffeinated Drinks

Now that you’re not pulling late-night study sessions, you can start to wean yourself off of lattes (it’s too hot for them now, anyway). Even if you can’t go a whole day without caffeine, start brewing your own joe in the morning, you know, since you won’t be rushing out the door to hit the 8 a.m. lecture.

If you grab a capp every weekday morning, you are probably spending, on average, $4 a pop. That’s $20 a week. So if you nix the Starbucks now, you’ll save $100 by Memorial Day. If you can forgo the habit for the whole summer, you’ll save about $450 by Labor Day. And that’s even a low estimate.

2. Bar Nights

The bar scene is especially appealing in the winter, when you want to wear a halter top and work up a sweat on the dance floor in frigid temperatures. But once summer hits, there’s bound to be a pool party, barbecue, bonfire, or keg party every weekend. Stay at home and make your own margaritas or sangria’s by the pool, and you’re probably only going to spend about $10-$20, especially if you make a large batch and split the costs with your friends. Even if you go to a party with a door charge, you’re probably forking over $5 for all-you-can drink.

If you can forego a $10 club cover charge for twelve weeks of summer, you’ll pocket $120.

If you usually drink three full-priced cocktails a night at $8 a pop (average mixed drink price) and tip at least 20%, you’ll save almost $400 by the end of August.

Factor in the other expenditures, such as cab fare or coat check (if applicable), and you’ll find you can cut $700-800 easy out of your summer party budget.

3. Food

No more rushing through the campus deli for a plain, overpriced turkey wrap. No more drunken deliveries after an already-expensive night at the bar. It’s summer- take advantage of picnics and barbecues!

Made-to-order sandwiches and combo meals can range from $5-$10, so your lunches could be costing you $25-$50 a week, or $100-200 a month, or $300-$400 in a three-month period.

Delivery options can cost up to double, especially when you factor in gratuities. Spend just a week’s worth of your takeout allowance on frozen chicken breast and hamburger patties, and you can cook out for “free” for the whole month of July, with enough cash leftover to buy a cute bathing suit for the fireworks on the 4th.

4. Transportation

The New York City subway costs over $80 a month. When I had a car, I was putting at least $30-40 into the tank a week. Now that the sun’s out, you can walk, Rollerblade, skateboard, or ride a bike. Or you can just stay home and invite your neighbors to a game of volleyball in the quad of your apartment complex. Even if you can just cut a fraction of your transportation costs, you’ll save more than enough for the gas and parking when you take a road trip to the ocean.

5.  Soft Drinks

Like coffee, many college students down Coke, Pepsi, or Mountain Dew to keep going all day.  Or, we grab Sprite, Iced Tea, Gatorade, or another flavorful beverage to quench our thirst.  The heat this summer is going to make you even more dehydrated and thirsty all summer, so be good to your body and save on vending machines by filling up a Nalgene bottle every morning from your own kitchen sink.  Drinking two store-bought drinks a day can rack up $28 in quarters a week (based on $2 bottles), which is $112 a month, or $448 from May to August.  Not only will your body thank you for replenishing the liquid you lose in sweat, you’ll cut calories– and you’ll have enough for a round-trip flight to a variety of locations when you realize summer’s almost over and you have yet to take a holiday.

These are five little things that we tend to over-indulge on during the winter months when we’re busy with school, freezing our butts off, and simply overspending to battle the depression and cabin-fever that sets in when the dismal winter season starts to take its toll.  If you’ve been cooped up in the dorms and retreating to your parents’ houses for the summer, you’ll save an exponentially greater sum on housing and utilities, grocery shopping, and even laundry.

What expenses are you most looking forward to cutting this summer? And, more importantly, what summer splurges are you going to spoil yourself with once classes are over and you have almost four months of freedom?

[I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the epitome of prim and proper- heck, who really is nowadays? But looking around at the misguided youths of today *ahem drinking buddies*, I’m starting to think that Miss Manners might have been onto something.

While you may never need to know how to greet a duke or how to tell which fork is REALLY the oyster fork, knowing how to deal with people whom owe you money, how much to tip, and how to address the ever annoying licorice-in-teeth conundrum without being rude might actually come in handy in the real world. I'm not trying to be your mother - oh goodness, no - I'm just here to help you out of those little etiquette dilemmas. So here goes: a quick lesson in etiquette. The sh*t you might actually need to know.]

I know that times are tough. The economy is in the dumper and our wallets are just getting emptier and emptier. These days it seems like I can’t turn a corner or walk into a bar without having to pay somebody something. Though I know it’s hard to choose between blowing your last dollars on another pitcher of beer or tipping the bartender, as a one-time waitress, I would never ever suggest skimping on tips. These service providers work hard (usually on a tiny salaries) and their paychecks rely heavily on your tips.

The other day, I was appalled when after ordering a heap-load of Chinese food, a “friend” of mine flicked the delivery guy a quarter and closed the door. A quarter. As in twenty-five cents. I literally had to chase down the guy and shove a few dollars at him. When I confronted her, she said she wasn’t sure how much to tip. I called bullsh*t, but it got me wondering if this is a real problem for a lot of people. So in case you were wondering, here is a tipping cheat sheet on who to tip and how much to tip them.

Waiters: Depending on the service, you may feel obliged to leave anywhere from 10% of the pretax bill to well over 20% (if you’re feeling especially generous). Here is the breakdown:

Good service: Did the server refill your drinks without being asked? Did he bring out the food on time? For adequate to good service, a tip of about 15% is expected.
Great service: Did the server remember your 12-party order perfectly… without writing it down? Did she ask the kitchen to burn the top of your macaroni just the way you asked? Was she quick to notice and replaced the dropped fork? If so, maybe you should reconsider the 15% tip and opt for something a little more. She deserved it.
Bad service: Even if the service is terrible, it is customary to leave at least a 10% tip. Maybe the waiter had an off day, but keep in mind that while you are out wining and dining, he is relying on your tips to pay the bills.

Bartenders: At the bar, leave at least a dollar a drink. If you’re out to make a good impression (which totally helps on Thirsty Thursdays when everyone is lining up for drinks) tip $2 for the first drink of the night. While you aren’t required to tip at a private party, remember that this is not the case for open bars. The drinks may be free but the bartender is still working for tips.

Valets: $2 for parking/retrieving your car. This seems a little silly to me. If you’re low on money, why bother with valet? Park your own car and walk a little further- it’s better for your wallet AND your health.

Taxi drivers: NYC taxi drivers are notorious for being terrible, but keep in mind that they make their living doing this. 15% of the total fare should work, granted you make it out of there alive.

Delivery guys: This goes for all deliveries- from pizza to dry cleaning to liquor. Tip them anywhere from $2-$4 depending on timeliness, more if the weather is terrible.

Hairstylist: 20% of the total is usually the standard gratuity, and don’t forget to tip the shampoo girl $2. If more than one person works on your hair (i.e. one person shampoos, another cuts, another colors, etc), leave the tip with the cashier and ask her to split it.

Professionals: Doctors, lawyers, accountants, etc. Really, for what they’re charging, it’d be a crime to ask for a tip as well

The mailman: Can you imagine tipping the mailman every time he hands you a letter? You really only have to open your wallet around the holidays, when a “gift” of a couple dollars (around $20) would be customary.

Flight attendants: No, you do not need to tip them every time they pour you a cup of diet Pepsi. Smile and say thank you.

Waiters and/or bartenders at a private party: You do not need to tip the caterers at a wedding; their gratuity is included in the Host’s package price.

Butlers or maids… in somebody else’s house: Honestly, I don’t know if this advice will ever come in handy. The only personal maid I’ve ever seen (on TV, nonetheless) is Gossip Girl’s Dorothea and she doesn’t accept tips *coughbribes* from anybody, not even Chuck Bass.

Your professors: No. Just no

Lastly, if you really can’t afford to tip, then maybe you should hold off on certain services until you’re willing to pony up the cash. It isn’t fair to anyone and if you keep up the little cheapskate act, you’re going to find one day that the whipped cream on your hot chocolate isn’t really whipped cream.. courtesy of your friend the waiter.

Sure, we can layer five sweaters, two hoodies, a parka, and a scarf, but once we’ve stepped outside, bookbag in hand, we realize we would much rather snuggle up under our down comforters and hibernate until spring. Yet, when Friday rolls around, we’re willing to trudge across campus in a blizzard, wearing mini skirts and halter tops, just to look cute for Martini Night.

Of course, these practices only snowball (har har har) into bigger problems when we get strep throat, bronchitis, the flu, or other wintery illness since our immune systems have been frozen solid. Rather than braving the cold, risking hypothermia, or sitting in an ice-cube of a car, begging the heat to kick in for twenty minutes just so you can feel the steering wheel to drive to a party, here are some ways to make the weekends work…warmly.

1. Host a floor party.

Especially in suite-style dorms or university apartment complexes, this is a no-brainer. Everyone can pop in and out as they please, nobody even needs a jacket, and you’ll never be stuck being the DD. If your RA is a stickler for the rules, this can be tricky, but if you can get away with it, have an open house on your floor/in your hall/ around the building.

2. Order delivery.

You’re going to do it anyway if you’re stumbling home from the bar. So skip the “going outside” part- don’t even venture to the dining hall- and order a couple of piping hot pizzas, right to your door. Make some hot cocoa in your microwave (spike it with Bailey’s if you like), and have a roasted, toasted food fest. When you’re finished indulging, you wouldn’t want to wear a skimpy outfit anyway.

3. Make your dorm room a personal spa.

Pretend spring break has come early. Soak your feet in hot water, relax with a heating pad, or model the bikini you bought for the upcoming season. Getting in the mood for summer will help you beat the winter blues. Since you’re staying in anyway, blend up some margaritas. You are always just one step away from snuggling under the cozy, warm covers.

4. Blackout.

I’m not talking about irresponsible drinking. But, since the winter months are the darkest, take advantage of the 4 p.m. nightfall and save some energy. Once, during a winter-storm-induced blackout, my roommate and I lit all of our (illegal by university housing codes) candles, lined up shots of all of the different types of liquor in our kitchen and had a dimmed dance party. To avoid getting written up, use flashlights or a few small lamps. Break out some old board games, or simply have a girly bonding night…in the dark.

5. Snuggle up with that special someone.

Nothing keeps you warm like someone else’s body heat! You can do any of the above with your honey, or release all of your school-induced tension by staying in bed all weekend long. You’ll save money on the bar, burn some calories, and the only gloves you’ll need will be ribbed for your pleasure.

No need to risk driving on icy roads, falling into snowbanks, or getting windburn on your face this winter. There’s plenty of ways to entertain yourself within the confines of your nice, warm walls – whether you’re cheating on your spring break diet (which you deserve), partying it up with your neighbors, being silly (cabin fever can have that affect- and I like it!), or finding an excuse to try Cosmo’s latest “Best Ever” position! What do you do to beat the winter blues?

I’ve been single (and loving it) for a long, looong time. So long, in fact, that I’ve fallen into a rut. I go to class, I come home, I eat, I hang out, I go to the gym, I watch TV, etc. It’s the same stuff all the time, and for a long time I was OK with that – I was doing what I wanted to, when I wanted to. No one was telling me what parties to go to, where to celebrate my holidays, or who I could or could not sleep with.

But lately I have begun to re-evaluate things a bit (read: weigh myself) and I now realize that I went from being in a single-girl rut to hitting single-girl rock bottom.

What does rock bottom look like? I’ll show you:

1. Last week while my roommates were snuggling with their boyfriends and watching scary movies, I was sitting on my bed with a box of graham crackers and a bowl of cake batter. (Mix some cake mix with a bit of water, stir and you have yourself the ultimate single girl snack.)

2. After eating said grahams and cake batter, I woke up the next morning and was nearly halfway out the door before I realized I had chocolate cake batter smeared across my left cheek.

3. I haven’t shaved my legs in 3 weeks. I can’t remember the last time I did anything for my bikini line. Wait; yes I can. It was for Memorial Day.

4. I wore jeans (or non-sweat pants) yesterday for the first time in 3 weeks. And, naturally, they were very tight.

5. The only person who has called me “babe,” “honey,” or “sweetie” in the past six months is the old man who takes my pizza order (nightly) and the younger, burly man who delivers it.

Are you single? Fear that you, too, have hit rock bottom? Join other fabulously single ladies in CollegeCandy’s Facebook group!

[Photo courtesy of baycolonyfarm.tripod.com]